Day 5 and 6 with Ancestral Suppliment

The last 2 days have been much much better. I feel energy, optimistic, and like I can take on life. In the past when I have frogotton to take my Advocare for a few days, I felt it. I would feel down and depresed and like life was not worth living.

The last 2 days I have upped my dose to 3 pills each of the Bone marrow and Beef Liver. I feel almost as good as I did when I was on Advocare. I feel very optimistic that these suppliments just might be the ones that carry me into the future.

I might up the dossage to 4 each tomorrow. If 3 each is good, 4 each will be better, right? Well, maybe not, but Im going to give it a try anway. Im from Texas and in Texas, more is always better. Over the years, I have found this is not always true, but engrained into who I am. So I have to do it.

Phillip runs a non profit called Avoidant Personality Research Center in Meridian, Idaho. The web site is Avoidants.org

Day 2 -4 with Ancestral Suppliments

I combined several days because each has been little to no different than the last. I saw no reason to write pretty much the same thing over and over. No Change, No Change, wait.... there is No change again today. Today was better but I cheated. I drank about 1/4 to 1/2 a can of DR Pepper, which is my drug of choice.

With the suppliments I dont feel as much of the depression and down feeling, but its still no where near as good as what I felt when I was taking the Advocare.

The caffiene made a huge difference and took me into the evening still feeling good. So at this point, I am not feeling very optimistic that these suppliments are going to help. But, I am stil at 2 caps each of the Bone marrow and Liver, so I am not ready to give up on these yet.

I know for scientific evaluation reasons, introducing Dr Pepper into the mix was a bad idea. Its imppossible to know if the pills are finally taking hold, or its the Dr pepper and the suppliments are going to be duds.

But Im going to keep pressing through with this eperiement and see where it takes me. I think tomorrow I will probably up the dossage to 3 each.

Phillip runs a non profit called Avoidant Personality Research Center in Meridian, Idaho. The web site is Avoidants.org

Day 1 Ancestral Suppliments - To early to say

Yesterday I started taking Ancestral Suppliments Beef Liver and Bone and Marrow. I took 1 capsule of each. According to Brain which is the owner, I should start with 1 cap and work up from there. he said finding that sweet spot of the right dossage is important. Every person is different. We all have unique biology, unique body chemistry and unique daily habits. These factors and more effect how suppliments are metabilized in the body and how effedive they will be.

1 dossage might work perfectly for me which for another person that same dossage might not yield the same results. Brian suggested i take one capsule per day of each supplement for the first 3 - 4 days. Then, go up to two capsules of each per day for the next 3 - 4 days. Three capsules per day of each and so on.

Day 1 Energy
I felt like I had some energy beyond my norm, but its impossible to say for sure if this was left over from the Advocare. It also might be that I only thought I had mosre energy so it was just something in my head. It will lilely take some time before I know, but probably not long. When I was taking Advocare, it would not be more than 3 to 4 days of not taking them before I would notice the effects.

Sleep
I did not sleep well but this is normal for me. I have had bouts of insomnia for many many years. I will have a week or so of poor sleep, then a week or so of decent sleep then rinse and repeat. I dont have cafeine much anymore at all because of my blood pressure and also because it will keep me up at night. Im not yet sure this seems similar to that, but its something to keep my eye on.

Blood pressure This morning by blood pressure is 152/82 after 2 takes

They were;

Very low energy Feelings of hopelessness and defeat Major Depression Feeling like I needed to eat everying in sight until I burst Wanting to self isolate and talk to or see no one Feeling like the future was pointless and I should give up on everything

On these days, all I wanted to do was lie on the coach and watch TV all day long. I laid there with a bag of Doritos and barely moved. Any phone calls I got where met with silence and rejection.

Botton Line Eval Its way too early to say for sure if these suppliments are doing any good. I will give the current dossage another day and then up it to see if there are any noticiable changes

New Vitamins and new journey for my Avoidant Personality?

It has been a while since I have written here. I have been very busy with Avoidant Personality Research Center (Avoidants.org). Today though marks a new chapter. For years i have taken a vitamin supplement called Advocare MSN E. My wife 1st turned me onto these after years and years of searching for something that would help with my Avoidant Personality (Avpd). I tried everything from Chinese medicine, to various vitamins to other so-called professionals.

Nothing worked. Then one day my wife suggested Advocare. It was like a switch had been flipped in my mind. I could function and I felt good about life. My wife called them my Happy Pills. They did not take away the Avpd, but they took the edge off it.

Fast forward years and years of taking Advocare MNS E. Wouldn’t you know it, Advocare in its infinite wisdom decided to Discontinue MNS E and come out with what it called a new formula. Reminded me of when Coke tried this years ago and fell flat on its face with it.

I ordered some of the new formula and tried in anxiously. Nothing, or at least next to nothing. I searched and searched for something to replace my beloved Advocare. i even wrote lots of letters to Advocare pleading for help in finding the old formula but my pleas fell on deaf ears.

After searching and searching, I ran across something I fond very curious. Ancestorial Vitamins. They claim to be end to end of the cow. They say that our ancestors ate all of the cow including internal organs. On their web site is this.

—Traditional peoples, Native Americans and early ancestral healers believed that eating the organs from a healthy animal would strengthen and support the health of the corresponding organ of the individual * —

I went to Amazon and found them there along with lots of glowing reviews. It seems to cure everything from low energy, to gut problems and everything in between. Sounded a bit like those old tonics in the 1800's that were peddled by slick sales people that said their crap cured everything.

But I figured, why not give these a try. So I rushed off to Amazon and bought Beed Liver and Bone and Marrow. The 2 set me back about $100.

I emailed the owner of ancestorial Supplements and he suggested that I start with 1 of each and work my way up. This will be my day-to-day journal of my experience with these.

The Begenning I took 1 each of the Beef Liver and Bone and Marrow. I have no idea what to expect. In tomorrow’s blog, I will go over any side effects, noticed energy levels and anything else I notice that I think might be attributable to these new supplements.

Updates on life & Avpd

It has been a long long time since I have written in here. I start off a lot of my blogs the same way Ive noticed. Today I got the idea to go back through everything I have written, which was weird. I did this because Im writing a book about living with Avoidant Personality. I have been working on this book for a long long time. Many years in fact. I am actually reaching the end of the journey, sort of. Im almost done with the 1st draft. Once the draft is done, the editing process starts. I found a guy that is doing the editing for free. He is a college professor that teaches english and writing, so I think the book is in good hands. Its been quite a journey with Avpd and this book, and life. Im offically retired now which is the best thing ever. I can write and work on these ideas and things all day long, every day. Its hard sometimes to stay motivated when part of me wants to do nothing but sit in front of the TV. I know that is a bad thing though. Just because I can do that does not mean I should. If anyone is interesed in a copy of this book when its out, just let me know. Phillip@AvoidingLife.org I changed the name to Avoiding Life, which is the name of my book as well. The daughter is almmost 17 now, so she will be graduating soon. She has a boyfriend. A dads worst nightmare, but its part of life and I cant fight it. He seems like a nice kid though. My Avpd battle is still ongoing. Not sure it will ever be fully won, at least not in my lifetime. I continue to work with others that have Avpd and I continue to try to get the word out about Avpd. Its a hard battle because no one has heard of Avpd except those that actually have it. The wife and I are doing well. We have been back togther now for 2 years and its going well. The Avpd still rears its head at times and tries to take over, so its a constant battle to keep its head down. Well, thats probably about enough for now. Phillip

The FaceMask blues

Got your attention, didn’t I? These are weird times, aren’t they? Covid 19 has made a mess of our society, and world. Who would have thought that we would see a time when we would have to stay 6 feet part and practice other social distancing measures?

I was just at the grocery store this morning. I wanted to get a box of cereal. When I tried to go into the cereal aisle, I was presented with a large red cone and a very rude sign that said; “One way only, do not enter”.

I don’t go downtown for this very reason. I hate one-way streets. One time when I was downtown, I did not see the sign and turned into, what was very soon, cars coming right at me. I could even see the faces of the drivers. They looked angry and like they would run me gladly over if I did not quickly find a way to get turned around.

It was terrifying!

Now I was facing this one-way sign at a super market of all places. As weird as this is, things like this have become the new normal. One of these “new normals” these days is that we have to wear Face Masks. We all hate wearing these, but in the light of Covid 19, its necessary. Facemasks make it hard to breathe and even harder to talk through.

For a normal person, these are inconveniences. But for someone that is suffering from a mental health issue, putting on a face mask can be very traumatic event.

As a normal person (A Normal is someone that does not suffer from a mental health issue), it can be very difficult to put yourself in the shoes of someone that is like this. I am not sure that I can help you imagine this, but I will try. Being severely depressed is like being trapped behind very thick glass. Not ordinary glass mind you, but that weird glass that you find in some bathrooms that you can see through, but everything is very distorted so the best you can see are fuzzy shapes and shadowy misshapen figures.

If you suffer from depression, you can see clearly enough to make out friends, family, and loved ones, but no matter how hard you try, or want to try, you can never reach them. No matter how hard you want these people to hear your cries, your pain, or know anything about you, they cant.

Nothing you, or they can do will ever matter. The glass is impenetrable. You can pound on it until your firsts are a mass of blood, and there is nothing left but bloody bone, but no matter how hard you try, you can never ever ever ever feel the loving embrace of your mom, your dad, or your daughter.

Nothing can get through. You are trapped behind this glass forever watching the world go by. Even your very own spouse, or significant other, if you fortunate enough to have one, is on the other side of this glass wall.

You can only watch as your relationship with that person crumbles because the person you are supposed to love cannot feel anything from you, they can’t get to know you, or even talk to you on any meaningful level. You want desperately to reach out to that person that you love, but you cannot get through the glass.

To make matters even worse, the people on the other side of this glass only see a person that is stoic, having no emotion at all, and seems to be completely uncaring. To them, you seem uncaring, stuck up, not wanting friends, or relationships. Your loved ones, your friends, and the world only see someone that is always mad, wants nothing at all to do with anyone and cares for no one.

This is what the severely depressed deal with every day of their lives. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, and on and on with no end and no hope of ever escaping.

It is like Mr Cellophane from the movie Chicago. Mr Cellophane feels like no one can even see him. Life goes on all around him, but does not affect him in any way because he is invisible to everyone. To the Severely Depressed though, this is a safe place. “If no one sees me, they can’t hurt me.”

Hopefully you now have an image in your mind of what its like for the severely depressed. Take that image and add to it a face mask.

When a person that is already suffering from this intense nothingness puts on a face mask, it is like the old adage of rubbing salt into a wound. Even before they had to put on this mask, they felt like no one loved them, no one could see them, or even cared anything about them. Now add to this insult the extra injury of a face mask.

Before they were “nothing”, but now they are “extra nothing”. Without the mask, there was a possibility, even though a very remote one that someone, anyone, might glance their way. Even though they have given up hope a long long time ago that someone might stop and say Hi, now with the mask, even that remote hope is gone.

With the face mask, they are marked. Before they were just depressed. They could hide depression, they could choke back the tears, they could disappear just like Mr Cellophane and blend into the crowd.

Now, they have to wear a face mask and die all over again.

Divorced life as one with Avoidance

It has been a while since I have written here. A lot happened in the last few months since I wrote. I am divorced now. Its something that I never thought would happen to me.

Why the divorce happen really has little to do with the Avoidance. Sure I made some mistakes and hurt my wife emotionally. But once I found healing from Avpd, most all of that was resolved.

We got divorced because we were just not compatible, which is really really weird. We married because we both loved God and we thought that was enough. Well, it turned out that it was not enough.

How we loved God and wanted to serve him is very very different. My wife is a church person. She grew up in the church and wants to stay in the church.

She wants to go to Church, raise her hands up in the air "like she just dont care", and just be in the local Church. For me, I am different, I see church as a hospital for sick people.

Once you get healing, you go out into the world and work. Work feeding the homeless, clothing the naked and all those other Sheep and the Goats things that God said we should be doing but most of us dont.

So even though we are both Christians, we are still unequally yoked. So we moved on. Moving on is the hardest thing I have ever done. Some days are bad and is very hard to cope. Other days are bearable.

After all, we were married for 15 years but now thats gone. I have moved out and I am alone. Thankfully i have my daughter a week on and a week off. Its not enough, but its as good as it can be.

Life goes on. At least I think it must. I dont do the podcast right now. Its hard to give others hope, when you can find very little for yourself. But in God there is hope. At least that is what I am told and what I hear. So hopefully it is true.

Well, that is enough for today. I will try to start writing in here more. Maybe it will help.

Phillip





This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.