Impromptu visit to car dealer (Week4)

My brain has gone blank with regards to Threat Assessment Ratings, so I will have to put that on the back burner for now. What I need to write today is about something different, yet not so much.

Yesterday was Friday. My wife had been working all day and so had I. She called me on my cell and wanted to know if she should continue without me or drop by the house and pick me up. I said sure; Id love for her to come get me so that we could spend a little time together that evening.

So my wife came home and we went out together. She said she had a few places she wanted to go and I was happy to be with her for a while.

We were driving along when my wife said that there was an Explorer that she wanted to look at. It was at a car dealership!

Now anyone that has Avoidant Personality Disorder knows that being impromptu is one of the scariest situations that we face. When I am expected to go into a social situation, I need as much advanced notice as possible. It’s like preparing for a music recital or that dreaded English test in school. I have to prepare myself to be able to tackle the social graces that are required. I have to mentally prepare myself to know what to say, how to say it, when to say it, and the unknown.

And add to the possibility of having to deal with a Used Car Salesman.! This is he worst of the worst. Used Car Salesmen are the most advanced kind of, mind game playing, butt kissing, scum bag, socially manipulative, money hungry, predators that exists on the planet. The only situation I can think of that’s more scary and awkward that this would be an entire room filled with Used Car Salesmen.

Going to this car dealership was sprung on me out of the blue. In the past, when my wife wanted to see a used car, we simply parked outside the lot, we walked over to see the car or cars that she liked, she drooled over them a while, then we got back into out car and drove off. Pretty painless for the most part.

Though I have to describe painless just a bit. I hate window shopping. Rejection is a huge problem in my life. Going to look at something that I know I can’t afford, or for what ever reason can’t have, is a form of rejection. The higher priced and large the item, the more rejection I feel. I huge and expensive (expensive to us) Ford Explorer is therefore a massive amount of rejection. I have quite enough rejection and problems in my life, thank you very much. This is just one more huge thing that might just send me over the edge into that void from which I may or may not return.

Back to my story. I though to myself, I don’t like this, but I want to do it for my wife. Since the past has been that its just a short time we spend looking at this and then leave, I will gladly put up with this. I can deal with it because I love my wife and I’m trying very hard to make her happy and not let my short comings rule me.

So we parked at the dealership and went to look at the Explorer that she liked. I have to admit that it was pretty and would make her a nice vehicle. Of course, the only thing I could think of was the gas bill this monster would require of me.

We looked at the truck. The dealership was open, so I knew I was in danger. I knew that if we tarried here long, the predator would sense our presence and move in for the kill. It’s kind of like in a good war movie. We were moving through the enemy’s territory. I was trying not to make any more disturbance than absolutely necessary in the hopes that I could get out of there alive.

But it was not to be. The predator saw us and moved in. He asked if we wanted to see inside. My wife said yes. I was pleading with her in my mind to say no, because I knew this was the enemy’s tactics. Once we were inside the vehicle, we would be doomed.

My wife looked around inside the Explorer. She was hooked. The enemy had trapped us inside its web and there was no escape. Now my only hope was that I would survive the night.

I was trying to remain outside the vehicle, but I knew this would not last long. Having to get inside the vehicle was yet another level of fear and rejection. My wife was over come with desire and admiration for the explorer that she wanted, and had wanted for so very long. She asked me to sit inside. Even though I knew this a trap, I was also hoping to salvage the night and also our relationship. So I got inside.

After a while, I could see my wife glowing and the question about to pop from her mouth. Then when she could not contain it anymore, out it came. I can’t recall her exact words now as I’ve already blocked some of it from my mind. Weather this block was intentional of unintentional, I do not know.

But in essence, she was asking if we could buy this Explorer. Logic set in on me and I said it would be better if we waited. Very thankfully, she agreed. Though perhaps begrudgingly. I could not really tell.

The enemy approached again as if sensing the exact time needed to move back in for the final blow. My wife told him that we would need to go talk about it. I thought that perhaps this was it. Our way out. But then again, I know our enemy. I know that they don’t let victims leave their web without a fight.

Now I don’t quite remember what was said by the predator. But I know the aftermath of it. Both my wife and I, we were willingly following our enemy into the very heart of his abode. This is where victims were slaughtered and their bodies mutilated. This was the worst of the worst of the worst. To walk away from the enemy’s very abode unscathed would require nothing short of a miracle.

Im not going to spend much time wrapping this up. Partially becase the moment has passed and when I write, if I dont get to what I need to put down right then, I can no longer connect to the emotion of it. When that happens, anything I write becomes lifeless. So all that to say that I may or may not be able to come back to this. Surfice to say that I did make it out alive from the enemies layer, but not without wounds. Wounds came in the form of my poor wife, which I left out to dry with the enemy which I cowered in the back on the room.

It was not too bas because I had my daugher there as protection.



This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Week 4 - Threat Assesment

When I started this blog, I had a couple goals in mind. #1 – Describe how the avoidant personality manifestx in my life. #2 – Describe what its like to live on a day to day (or week to week) basis with the disorder. My hope was that in writing all this down, perhaps I can learn how to cope better. Maybe I can learn something about how I work and perhaps others can learn how they work. Everyone if different, but I think for the most part, all Avoidants all work pretty much the same. The differences probably come when our unique personalities and personal make up interact with the disorder.

Whenever I am thrust into meeting a person, or people, or I’m put into any social or potential social situation, there is a very complex “Threat level Assessment” that I do. Weather I do this consciously or subconsciously, or a combination of the 2, I have no idea.

This assessment is extremely complex and takes up a great deal of energy. In computer speak, Id call it processing power. If my processing power, or energy level, in doing this Threat Level Assessment is expended, I freak out. Freaking out could take the form of having an anxiety attack, becoming physically ill, shutting down emotionally and even physically, and just plain unable to function.

Since I work with computers in tech support, I compare a lot of things to how a computer works. Putting this into computer terminology, expending my energy level would be like running out of system resources. Once your computer runs out of system resources, the computer becomes unstable. Unless the condition is corrected, the computer will shut down and will no longer function.

Putting that computer analogy back into how I function, the only way to correct a system failure is to be immediately taken out of the situation that caused the overload and wait for my body to calm down.

Whenever I meet a person, or persons, or I’m faced with a potential social situation, I immediately go into Threat Assessment Mode. In this mode, I must gather as much information as quickly as possible about the person, persons, situation, place or thing and come up with a very quick rating as to how much of a threat is posed.

Let me give a quick example of this before I go into the details of the Assessment Rating System. When I go to the mall, I’m faced with 100’s to 1000’s of people at the same exact time. My Threat Level Assessment kicks in. I’m scanning potentially 100’s of people that are within my range (area) in order to come up with my Threat Assessment as quickly as possible. For every single person in the mall, I must come up with as detailed as possible of an assessment of the potential threat they pose to me. So take a Single Person Assessment, which must be very detailed ( I will get to the rating system in a moment) and multiply that by the potential 100’s within my range at even give time. That assessment is dynamic. In other words, it’s constantly changing as people move in and out of my range and new ones come into my range as new folks come into the mall.

I may be scanning every one of these hundreds of people to come up an individual threat assessment rating, which must be resolved into a group threat assessment rating. Since the people inside my range is constantly changing, I’m constantly re-scanning, re-evaluating individual threat assessments, and coming up with a Group Threat Assessment. Then I must take into consideration the surroundings, my current emotional and physical state to come up with an Overall Threat Assessment.

All of this brain and emotional power takes huge amounts of energy and body resources. Is it any wonder that Avoidants avoid these situations like the plaque, and when forced into them, can even become physically ill? At the very least, an Avoidant can only keep up this level of processing power for a short period before shutting down, becoming ill, or running from the mall like a complete mad person.

The only reason I can put all this down on paper is because I’ve been in this situation many many times. Its only recently that I have figured out, at least for me, how it works.

Ok, next we move on to the Threat Level Assessment Rating System. This is the most complicated part and is probably much more complicated than even I can imagine. When I meet someone, or a group of someones, there is a very complicated process of ratings to determine how much of a threat that person, or persons, is to me.

This Ratings System will determine if I can relate at all to this person, or group of persons, or if I need to turn around and run as fast as I can in the other direction. The ratings system is huge and very complex. Since it is going to be very long, I am going to give it its on blog entry. So stay tuned and I hope to have this rating system up soon……………..










This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Weeks 3 - Coping

I received 1 comment to 1 of my post, which is actually 1 more comment that I expected. The reader simply commented that I was brave to do this. Ya know, I guess I am. There are just not many people that seem to be ok with airing out laundry. In Christian circles, this problem is even more profound. Christians just dont talk about thnigs like this. Add to that Pastors, which are even more so inclined to not talk about their problems and failures. How I managed to Pastor (Youth Pastor I was) since im an Avoidant Personality is another stort entirely. In short, I was not a very good Pastor at all. Its hard to pastor people when you just want to run away and not even talk to them.

Here I sit in my chair at my desk working from home. I dont have to talk to anyone, except through a Chat program that we have. I work in a virtual call center. Taking calls is fine because I have a shield between myself and the callers.

Here in my room/office I have complete anominity and protection from the outside world. I have everything I need right here. I work from home. I can order everythinig I need from the internet. I never even have to go outside at all if I dont want to. Of course, I do try and I do go shopping and such. After living as an Avoidant for so many years, Ive learned to hide my feelings quite well. Most of the time, I can cope and deal with the situautions that I face.

I dont want to give the impression that Im a complete shut in and I dont get out cause I do. I can appear fairly normal when I want to or Im having a good day. It comes with years of practice. I can think of many things Id rather be good at than faking than Im ok, which is the purpose of this blog. After all these years, I am finally saying to the world, or at least my very small corner of it, and to God, than Im not ok and I need help.

A "Good Day" comes very infrequently and seems to have no rhime, reason, or pattern to when it will come. I get them anywhere from 1 day every few months to maybe a day a year. I have no clue why I have an occasional good day. A good day is when I feel almost normal (Though since ive lived this way so long, I really dont know what normal is except what I see in others). I feel like I can like people and evem socialize on some level. When I do have this good day, I want to tell say; "Good day, please dont go. Please stick around for a while and make that other person go away." But it always leaves just as quickly as it came and Im back to feeling isolated and alone.

I can even socialize to some degree when I need to. But I never feel connected at all. I have no friends except those here at work. ( I do have 1 friend that I met in Oregon and now livesin Tenessee.) I have thought of trying to get a job in the outside world, but history has shown me that sooner or later, my disorder causes problems and I just cant hold normal outside jobs.

So I sit here in my room/office and continue to exist and little else. I hope 1 day I can find a way to break out of this bubble that I seem to live in. So far, nothing has helped, at least not in a lasting fashion.






This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Week 2 - God, the VA, and Avoidant Personality Disorder

Friday I go back to the VA for my 2nd evaluation. I was there last week where I was evaluated by a Physociologist. Friday, its a full fleged shrink. The interview is supposed to last 2 hours. The VA is trying to determine if I should receive a disability rating for my personality disorder. I opened the claim way back in 1986 just shoflty after I got out of the Air Force.

Their position is that I was born with the Avoidant Personality Disorder. My position is that I dont know if I was born with it or not. But even if so, what happened to me while I was in the military made it far worse than it would have ever been otherwise. Also, because of how bad my disorder has become, I cant hold a normal job. I currenlty work at home, which I do well at. I do well at this job cause I dont have to see or socialize with anyone. Working at home, there is a barier and comfort in not having to see anyone face to face.

In other jobs Ive worked out where I go to a regular office with people, I fail. I have a hard time communicating with people, I fear authority and in general, just feel like everyone is better than me. This just does not work well in a normal office environment. Especially, when you are the supervisor. It makes it real hard to supervise people that you feel inferior to them. I feel as though my career path and income has been greatly stifled by the depth of my disorder, which is a result of the abuse I took in the military.

After I filed my claim way back on 87, I was denied. I had appealed and that was denied as well. I had decided to forget about it. Especially since there was nothing I could do about it anyway. Then one day, about 3 weeks ago, I received a notice from the VA that they had made a mistake and the claim was being reopened. I even asked the VA about the reopening and they said that this just does not happen.

So I decided that this just might be God and I should let him work if he was up to something. I went to me first interview and Friday, I go to the 2nd. Then I wait again for God and the VA to go to work. The claim will either be approved or denied. If it gets approved, I will finally be able to go to the VA and see doctors for this and get some help at no charge.

Why I feel that the Air Force made a mess of me is another story worthy of a seperate entry. I will update in here as soon as I know whats going on.




This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Charlie brown lived with rejection. Yet he managed to not let it rule his life. He never gave up trying to kick that football.

Sometimes I think I should have married a physiatrist. Perhaps then, I would have had someone that could at least understand me. But then I wonder if being married to someone that really understood my disorder would be even worse. A Physiatrist that understood Avoidant personalities well might not cut me any slack at all.

My wife does her best to understand, but unless you have actually had such a disorder, its very hard to really get it. Physiatrists say that they get it, but I often wonder if they really do, or they just pretend. When they go home at night, I wonder if they tell their spouses how messed we are and don’t really understand at all why we just can’t get over it.

Over the weekend, my wife and I had a fight. A very silly thing that never should have happened. We were driving in the car and my wife got a call on her cell. My wife lives on her cell phone. She just can’t not answer it when it rings. (Excuse the double negative) Thats not a bad thing, its just the way she is. Her affliction with her cell phone is not unlike me and trouble shooting. I cannot not try to fix things. (There goes that double negative again.)

Well, when she talks on her cell phone in the car, I feel rejected and alone. Its makes me feel like she is ignoring me and paying attention to her caller, which of course she is. Though we don’t always talk a lot when we are driving, I like to at least have the option to talk. When she is on the phone, I cant talk to her even when I have something to say.

When I mentioned this to my wife, she got angry and accused me of not wanting her to have any friends and talk on the phone at all. I tried to tell her so she would understand, but just could not make my illogical arguement logical. We had the same problem when we 1st started dating. We would go out to eat and she would get calls while we were eating dinner. So me this was very rude and again, caused me to feel rejected.

I think even in a normal relationship, these things are rude and should not happen. Then add onto that someone with a relational problem like mine and the issue is compounded many times. She should have every right to talk on the phone anytime she wants to. But for someone in my condtion, it hurts. Its like telling me that I dont matter. Its like that movie Chicago where that guy sings "Mr Celephane." Im not longer in the car and dont really matter anymore. Ive become invisiable!!!

I think in the end, we decided to drop this and sweep it under the rug. Which of course if not good either, but for now, I think its what we had to do.

I feel rejected at the drop of a hat. I try to not feel this way, but not sure when or perhaps even if I will be able to get past it. For better or worse, I blame the Air Force for my troubles in this area. I go back to the Veterans Administration Hospital this Friday for an evaluation. I’m hopeful that the VA will finally, after 20+ years, recognize what they did to me, approve my disability, and give me the help I need.

I feel very sorry for my wife. She has a lot to put up with.


This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Well its day 2. I think I may go to doing these weekly. Writing in this blog daily might be taking on too much. of course there may be days when I just need to write this.

Ive been living with this disorder so long that it is normal to me. I dont even realize that there is another way to live. I watched a video blog last night by my good friend Eric Wilson that inspired me. He said that sometimes you just wont feel like writing or want have any inspiration and you have to snuggle up to your writing. So here I am snuggling up to my disorder. Hmm, is that right? Can I do that? Oh well, too late.

I feel dissconnected from everything and everyone in my life. I dont really feel any closnes to my wife and dauhter. Thats sounds tgerrible doesnt it? It even sounds bad to me. But its the truth. I must rely on my wife and daughter to make up for my lack by their initiating contact and closness to me. I just cant manage it. I also have that nagging feeling that I will be rejected and Im not good enough to ask or even be close to them.

I love my wife and daugher of course, but I just dont feel connected to them. Or anything for that matter. I know it drives my poor wife and her family nuts. Its got to the terrible living with someone like me. Which of course only makes it all seem worse that they have to put up with me.

Even in my relationship with God, I cant connect. Last time I really felt a connection to God was when I was in Youth With a Mission (YWAM). I do feel connections with my wife and daughter some, but I know its not the full connection that I should feel. Sometimes I feel that perhaps this is just as good as it gets.

Its all too easy to be fake. I was a youth Pastor for a year at a small Church here in Idaho. I loved the sence of connection, but even in that, I did not really enjoy it. I just dont like people. There, I have said it.

Of course, I probably dont like them cause i feel that wont like me. Sorta said for a Pastor though to not like people. Im confortorable in this solitude I have here in my office, in my house. But at the same time, I crave that connection. I wonder if i will ever find it??




This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.
http://www.avoidantpersonality.com/

Day 1 - Gota start some time, right?

Ya know. Living with a disorder is funny. I almost feel as though Im being judged now after years of judging others. Ive never given any slack to people that use things in their past as crutches and excusees. Excusess like, "I could not help killing all those people Judge. My dad beat me every single day when I was young, so I just cant help myself.  Its not my fault, its my dads."

I still hold the position that the past in not an excuse. If you kill someone, its your fault. You cant use your past as an excuse and expect to get away with a crime like Killing. There must always be consequences to our actions.

But......now I feel as though I can have compassion towards people like this. I can feel that way because I now have a disorder to deal with. I know its not logical to be scared of people. I know its not logical to think every minute of every day that everyone is better than me. I know in my head that I have value and worth. I know even from what God says about me that I am a child of God and Im a wonderful creation.

But that just is not enough! Just because its not logical does not matter one little bit. In the military, in Correctional Custody (CC), I was told that I was worthless, I would never amount to anything and many other wonderful things. As hard as I try, I cannot shake that. The fact that its not logical just does not help me at all. Oh well, there is always tomorrow, right?



This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.avoidantpersonality.com/ (Still under Construction)