Home Alone

Ive lost track of which week Im on, so Im dropping that. I was laid off from my work of 2 years. I worked as a priviate contractor for a company that teaches people how to trade in the stock market. Ive felt this coming for quite a while, but I held out hope that I would be spared the carnage. Well, last week the layoffs finally found me.

Im very grateful that I lasted as long as I did. Lots and lots of people were laid off.  It might have been for the best that I got laid off. Tech support is very stressful. Working while there were many around me getting laid off was even more stressful. I never knew from 1 day to the next if I would still have a job. There were several other factors as well that added up to a very high stress level for me. I needed a rest. Its not good for the family budget, but there are more important things that money, right?

The 1st week was pretty good. I worked on my computer catching up on work Ive been needing to get done. So, no problems the 1st week. Now, its the 2nd week of the layoff and depression is trying to set in. I think this is normal really for a man. After all, God says that if we dont work, we dont eat. God created man to be the provider. When we are not working and providing for our family, we dont feel like we are doing what we are supposed to.

Depression on some level should effect any man that got laid off. But, for an avoidant, its even worse. I not only get hit with the feeling that Im not providing for my family, but also that my employer rejected me. It would be easy to just lay around on the couch and watch TV. Im trying to avoid that trap and keep myself busy.

Last week, I kept the car and took my wife to work. This worked out Ok, but my wife sometimes needs the car, so that she can run errands for her boss. So, this week, my wife took the car and Im home alone. My daughter is now riding the bus to school. This was her 1st day. She was excited to ride the bus, but  not sure how long that will last.

Its my job to keep my daughter safe. Though it may or may not be rational, I dont feel that the bus is entirely safe. Having to let my daughter ride the bus only adds to my sence of failure. So, Ive failed in supporting my family, Ive failed in protecting my familiy. Ive failed to find and keep a job. Lets face it, Ive just plain failed.

This is how I feel anyway, when Im being honest. My former emlpoyer says that conditions will improve and they may be able to call me back come June. I should probably treat this time off like a long vacation and trust God that they will call me back in June. Or he will work something else out instead. But trust comes very hard for me. I want to trust others and God. But as my daughterr say; Its a hard time.

So for now, Im stuck home alone trying to cope as best I can.



This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Week 5 - Descision from the VA

Well, its been 20+ years since I started with this disability claim. Today, I received the final determination. Are you kiddintg me? After all this time, the VA contacted me saying that they messed up and was re-opening my case. So the VA got my hopes up that after 20+ years of this, they would finally do the right thing. The VA had me go down to their Hospital here in Boise and be evaluated on 2 different occasions. I spent some 6 hours of my life at the VA hospital for this evaluation. I even had to take time off from work for it, that I could not afford.

Now, the very instrument of my Avoidant Personality Disorder has risen back up to torment me yet again. They have dinied me again!!!!!

What do I do fron here? I really dont know. Im tempted to just drop it, again. But I dropped it before and the VA is the one that brought it back up.

Some good has come out of this. This blog as been a God send. Its helped me identify areas where I need help and its helped me identify triggers of the disorder. I think its helped my wife as well. She reads my blog as well and hopefully can understand a bit more about the disorder and how it effects me.

Maybe it will even help others as well. I plan on continuing to write in this blog. Perhaps for the rest of my life. I dont know. But I have to belive that God is in control in all this.





This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Disconnecting - Week 5

Ya know, this blog has been great for me so far. At least now I can identify where problems are. I’ve still no clue how to fix or head off at the pass, but at least I have identified them. It’s like they say in Alcoholics Anonymous and other things like that. The 1st step is admitting it’s a problem. I took the 1st step already and perhaps even went over board. Not only did I admit it, but admitted it to the world.

I was talking to my wife last night and suddenly the lights came on. I have always known that this happened, but I could never explain it. Well, now I can.

When I am emotionally threatened, or perceive a potential threat, I disconnect. This threat can be a fight, someone yelling or mad at me. It can even be a threatening posture or perhaps even the smell in the air. Not sure as I often can intuit things that others cannot. But Im getting off the subject. The point I am trying to make is that there are many things that can cause me to disconnect. Even a bad day. I don’t think I even know all my triggers, but I know now that they are there.

The main thing I know is what happens. It’s like my mind disconnects from my emotions. It might even be a disconnect from my Spirit. With all the things that I went through in getting hurt, especially in my Air Force days, I tend to think it’s my emotions that disconnect. After all, if my emotions are not present, I can’t get hurt, right?

When I was in the Air Force, in Correctional Custody, I had 4 sergeants within an inch or so of my ears that yelled at the top of their lungs that I was worthless, never would amount to anything, and other such niceties. The pain from their yelling and insults was so bad, that I broke, cried and blubbered all over the place. What they said became ingrained in me and I cannot get it out.

If I was to trouble shoot myself, I would say that at that point, the pain was so unbearable that my emotions, and perhaps Spirit, detached from my brain/body in order to prevent massive damage. Now whenever I’m faced with anything even close to this, I disconnect. That way, the pain, or potential pain, cannot hurt me.

The problem is that I have no control over this. I can’t control when it might happen. It seems to be just as involuntary as breathing or my heart beating. It’s a defense mechanism which sometimes I’m very thankful for. I have been hurt a lot on my life. The Air Force is a huge example of this and probably the most devastating and what triggered it and made it permanent.

When I disconnect, I have no control. I cannot get back in any way, shape or form. It’s almost like a movie that I’m watching of myself. I can no more control things that I can manipulate a movie. I try very hard. Especially when it’s a situation like a fight with my wife. I want desperately to make up, but I have to wait. Eventually, I reconnect.
My poor wife though has to put up with this. Shinks I don’t care, or want to make up. The reality is that I desperately do care and want to make up. It’s just that I seem to have no choice but to wait to be reconnected. I’m hopeful that through all this writing, I will find a way to heal. I’m just not sure how right now. Since this blog was all God’s idea, Im hopeful it will help






This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com