Ya know, as a Christian, this is probably not the Acceptable thing for a Christian to say. Its not very......Christian. Or is it? Is God that insecure that he is afraid of our honesty?
As Christians, we like to cover things up and pretend that everything is ok. And in the end, it is fine and all is good.
But this is in line with my Keeping It Real. Its my new theme song for Avoidant Personalities.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Avoidant Personality
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
My own response (actually my wife's) to my post of the odd patterns
My wife reads my blog. She had a really good and positive way of looking at these odd patterns in my life.
My wife is wonderful. I asked her this morning what she thought of these patterns and she nailed it. Its actually a thought I have always had, but I have doubts about it when nothing seems to come of it and the pattern continues.
I even have more doubts when I dont sleep well. The lack of sleep makes for a really bad outlook on life and seems to make everything gloom and doom. Just like that old Hee Haw show for those of us that have been around that long and can remember it.
The song was called "Gloom Dispair and Agony on me"
This was how I felt yesterday. Today is a different story. I slept well last night and have a different outlook. So on with what these odd patterns are in my life.
God has always kept a close eye on my life. I dont really know why. But for whatever reason, he just has a special purpose for my life and does not let me wander too far. He does not allow me to have certain friends. He has always directed my life and just does not let me stray too far from his will. And in other cases, the thing I was supposed to do was only for a short season.
Such odd things for those that follow Christ are not without precedents.
My wife is wonderful. I asked her this morning what she thought of these patterns and she nailed it. Its actually a thought I have always had, but I have doubts about it when nothing seems to come of it and the pattern continues.
I even have more doubts when I dont sleep well. The lack of sleep makes for a really bad outlook on life and seems to make everything gloom and doom. Just like that old Hee Haw show for those of us that have been around that long and can remember it.
The song was called "Gloom Dispair and Agony on me"
This was how I felt yesterday. Today is a different story. I slept well last night and have a different outlook. So on with what these odd patterns are in my life.
God has always kept a close eye on my life. I dont really know why. But for whatever reason, he just has a special purpose for my life and does not let me wander too far. He does not allow me to have certain friends. He has always directed my life and just does not let me stray too far from his will. And in other cases, the thing I was supposed to do was only for a short season.
Such odd things for those that follow Christ are not without precedents.
- Jonah refused to go to Nineveh to preach. He took a boat ride to Tarshish, which was in the opposite direction from Nineveh. God sent a violent storm to almost sink the boat. The people of the boat determined the cause for this storm was Jonah. The crew threw him overboard. A whale swallowed him, took him to Nineveh and then spit him out.
- Then there is the story of Joseph. He was sold into slavery and went though a lot of pain in order to get placed where God needed him to be.
There are a lot of other stories in the Bible that show us that God directs people lives to get them where he needs them and to do what he needs them to do. Such is the case with my life and Im sure many others. Or most others. God is directing my life to get me where he wants me to be. Many times along the way, I have fought him. Like Jonah, I have not wanted to do what God has told me to do. I suspect that many of us fall into the same category.
Odd things seem to happen and we dont know why. Instead of thinking that life is just horrible to us and so is God. Perhaps, just perhaps its just the opposite. God case about us so very much, that he knows what we need to be doing and what we should be doing. Even though we may not understand it or recognize it. God knows that its the thing that will make our entire lives make sense. Its the one peice of the puzzle that we have always resisted because we just dont see how it can possibly fit.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Odd Paterns in my life
My life has been a series of ups and downs. Today is a down day. Weather this is due to the Avoidant or my just not having slept well last night, I do not know. Maybe is a combo of both. I hesitated to put this in my Avoidant blog. But I decided to do it anyway for a couple reasons. 1st, I didnt know where else to put it. Perhaps under a blog titled, "My weird and odd life that makes not sense at all". But perhaps that the very definition of being an Avoidant.
These odd patterns have existed all my life. My memory has never been good, so there is a lot that I just dont recall and never have. What are these odd patterns? Its like this carrot that is dangled out in front of me that I can never catch no matter how hard I try. I almost think of myself like Job.
Of course, I cant compare the things I go though to anything even remotely like Job. My needs have always been met. I have a good daughter, a good wife, a good house, a good job and good health. In these departments I can certainly not complain. But its just these odd things in my life that by themselves are not that big of a deal.
Looking at just 1 or 2 of these things in my life, one can just come to the conclusion that this is just how life is. Its often not very fair. I could even go as far as to say that "Life is a bitch and then you die". When this very same pattern continues for and entire life and the same things happen over and over and over again, I have to start taking notice.
I have certainly taken notice of this pattern before. In fact, I have thought on it many times over the course of my life. But thinking and even praying about it seems to do no good at all. I cannot figure out what it is, what I did wrong, or why this is happening.
Perhaps like Job, I didnt do anything at all. I was just an innocent subject of a bet gone wrong.
I guess I need to get back to this pattern and try to describe it or at least give examples of it. Throughout the course of my life, things have just never worked out for me. Or if something does seem like its about to work out, all of the sudden like, its yanked out from under me. And I am left trying to figure out why and what I did wrong.
Such has been my life. Its a puzzle that I have been working on all my life and still I am no closer to figuring it out.
Ok, so I guess its on to some examples of this weirdness. Like I said, by themselves, they would just seem normal or bad luck or whatever you want to call it. But do these sorts of bad luck streaks really last an entire lifetime?
So here are the ones I can remember.
#1 YWAM (Youth With a Mission)
I have no recollection of time frames. Best I can do is estimate this at around 1990 . YWAM is a Christian Missions organization. I worked with them for 3 years. One day I just mentioned casually that I might like to leave the ministry one day to my supervisor. I returned thinking about this, to my desk and work. About 10 minutes later, I was summoned to a meeting with about 10 or so of my peers and as told that I was being released from the ministry as of that very day.
#2 YWAM part 2
While in the School of Evangelism, I didnt send out letters to try to raise support like others did. I heard from God not to do this. About 2 thirds or so through the school, the director of the school came to me and told me that unless I raised the funds to pay for the school, I was to be sent home. Nothing was raised, so I was indeed sent home. After about 2 weeks or so of being home, someone called and said that my school was paid. So I packed up and went back to school.
#2 US Air Force
Within about 1 month of my permanent duty station, there was an accident where I tore a ligament in my knee. Because of this injury, I was unable to do my work. After 3 years of not being allowed to do anything, I put in for other jobs. I was turned down for every job that I put in for.
#3 US Air Force Part 2
I was given odd jobs to do when they came up. This one odd job was a painting detail. There were 3 of us working the detail. When the Sargent was not there, it was said that I was to be in charge. 1 day he was not there, and being in charge and not having any more work to do for the day, I and the 1 other person left for the day. This was the typical thing that we did when we ran out of work. On this particular day, the boss in charge of the detail came looking for us and to make a long story short, the Sargent of my detail did not back me up. I was charged with abandoning my post.
#4 US Air Force Part 3
As punishment, I was sent to Correctional Custody (CC), where I was terrorized and humiliated by the people on staff there. This greatly enhanced my Avoidant Personality which lead to my hatred of the Air Force, which lead to my discharge.
#5 Church
When we started attending this Church, a Pastor approached me. After some talk she said that the Church had a need for a facilitator in their Helps Ministry. We talked about this a couple more times. After the last meeting, everything went cold. I never heard anything again from this pastor about this ministry.
#6 Restoration Ministries
This was a Church that I attended when I lived in Oregon. There was a ministry there called Restoration. After I went through the school, I went on staff. I worked on the ministry office and took care of their books, advertising, school agenda, etc. One day, a young lady came into the school. After she graduated, she came onto staff. She moved into the office and started working with me. Slowly at first, then she just took over completely and I was told I was no longer needed.
#7 Boise Bible College
I attended this college with the intention of just getting a Bible Certificate. The 1st semester went well. I made a friend right off. She was just the thing I needed to make my college experience bearable. About half way through the semester, her husband had an terrible accident which left him a paraplegic. Since he was the provider for the family, she had no choice but to drop out of school. After she left, I was without anyone to be my friend and support.
#8 Boise Bible College part 2
I wanted to be a help to the college as much as I could. Those of us that lived off base had it doubly tuff because we just didnt seem to get the support that those that lived on campus did. I wanted to start a forum for us off-campus students so we could talk and get help. I was told it was not a bad idea, but was just left hanging. I was never gotten back to from anyone.
#9 Boise Bible College part 3
I also wanted to promote the school. I was contacted about by a company that wanted surveys from students and testimonials for colleges throughout the US. I asked about posting these surveys and soliciting testimonials from students. Again, I was left totally hanging. No one from the college ever got back to me on this project.
#10 Boise Bible College part 4
I have nerve damage (From the Air Force) in my hands making it very difficult to impossible to write legibly. I informed every one of my professors of this problem right at the start of every class I took. No allowances were made for my disability. So when tests came, I was forced to try to write by hand. There were essay questions and fill in the blank questions. The only hope that I had to even come close to being legible was to write very very slowly. The tests were timed. I was unable to complete the tests in time. On answers that I was able to complete, I had to keep my answers shorter than what they needed to be due to the pain in my hands. So as a result, my scores were very bad and some tests I was not able to do at all and was forced to take Failures.
#12 Odd noises?
Another one that I am not sure belongs here, but Im going to put in down anyway. When I was a kid, I would often hear odd noises and see strange things. One time, I even thought that I had a pillow over my head and was being smothered.
#13 Hewlett Packard
I was hired over the phone for this job without even an interview. So this was a odd one, but with a good result at 1st. But after 3 years, I was laid off.
#14 The Apple store
I was hired as the service manager. After a short while at this store, I learned that the owner did not pay either personal or business taxes. Some time later, I was laid off.
#15 The Movie Gallery
I was the store manager. One day, I was sent movies that were soft porn. I refused to rent them and was fired. A couple years later, they went out of business.
#16 Failed Business
My wife and I started up a business. It was a magazine. We were not able to sell enough spots and finally had to file Bankruptcy when the business failed.
Bankruptcy, Foreclosure & Repossession
This was a result of our failed business, but we lost our home, & 2 cars in the bankruptcy.
Then on the flip side of this, there is a positive. I met my wife. We met over the phone when I lived in Texas and she in Idaho. We prayed that if it was God and I was to move to idaho, that God would provide a job. I put a resume on line and was called by a company. I was hired for HP sight unseen and without even an interview. I went to Idaho and got married.
These are just the main ones that I can recall. But I know there are many many more just like this. There have been jobs that I have applied for that I thought I had for sure. One interview would go wonderfully. Then then next would not and would not get hired. This happened again and again and again. Not precisely the same way each time as if not to raise too much suspicion. But odd things that keep leading to the same result.
Every friend I have made in my life, which have been very very few, have left me.
In every single job I have ever had, something has gone wrong. At some point, my position was dissolved, or the company went under or something else odd happened to end my time there. Nothing I have ever tried has succeeded. There have been a few small things here and there, but nothing big or even close to big.
I know that in any life, some rain is going to fall. Bad things happen. Thats just life. But I have had just about nuthing but bad luck all my life. Sure, there have been times of peace throughout my life when things have gone ok or at least nothing bad has happened.
I think if anyone was given a steady dose of all this constantly, they would go crazy or go out and do something dumb.
In all this, I have refused to give up. I still do. I keep plugging along and try to at least get by. But on some days, like today, its just a bit much. If I didnt know better, Id say that I am cursed. Its like this thing that prevents anything really good from happening in my life. I get just enough to get by and our needs are met, but no more. The only really good things in my life have been my God my wife, and my daughter.
I dont blame any of these places above. It was not any of their faults. It was this thing that seems to float over and around me that causes any place I am, any job Im in, any friends I have to not work out, fail and leave me.
Its like that movie Shawshank Redemption. In the movie, Tim Robins was sent to prison for a murder he did not commit. When asked why he was sent to prision, he said that bad luck just floated around looking for someone to land on and it was just his turn.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
These odd patterns have existed all my life. My memory has never been good, so there is a lot that I just dont recall and never have. What are these odd patterns? Its like this carrot that is dangled out in front of me that I can never catch no matter how hard I try. I almost think of myself like Job.
Of course, I cant compare the things I go though to anything even remotely like Job. My needs have always been met. I have a good daughter, a good wife, a good house, a good job and good health. In these departments I can certainly not complain. But its just these odd things in my life that by themselves are not that big of a deal.
Looking at just 1 or 2 of these things in my life, one can just come to the conclusion that this is just how life is. Its often not very fair. I could even go as far as to say that "Life is a bitch and then you die". When this very same pattern continues for and entire life and the same things happen over and over and over again, I have to start taking notice.
I have certainly taken notice of this pattern before. In fact, I have thought on it many times over the course of my life. But thinking and even praying about it seems to do no good at all. I cannot figure out what it is, what I did wrong, or why this is happening.
Perhaps like Job, I didnt do anything at all. I was just an innocent subject of a bet gone wrong.
I guess I need to get back to this pattern and try to describe it or at least give examples of it. Throughout the course of my life, things have just never worked out for me. Or if something does seem like its about to work out, all of the sudden like, its yanked out from under me. And I am left trying to figure out why and what I did wrong.
Such has been my life. Its a puzzle that I have been working on all my life and still I am no closer to figuring it out.
Ok, so I guess its on to some examples of this weirdness. Like I said, by themselves, they would just seem normal or bad luck or whatever you want to call it. But do these sorts of bad luck streaks really last an entire lifetime?
So here are the ones I can remember.
#1 YWAM (Youth With a Mission)
I have no recollection of time frames. Best I can do is estimate this at around 1990 . YWAM is a Christian Missions organization. I worked with them for 3 years. One day I just mentioned casually that I might like to leave the ministry one day to my supervisor. I returned thinking about this, to my desk and work. About 10 minutes later, I was summoned to a meeting with about 10 or so of my peers and as told that I was being released from the ministry as of that very day.
#2 YWAM part 2
While in the School of Evangelism, I didnt send out letters to try to raise support like others did. I heard from God not to do this. About 2 thirds or so through the school, the director of the school came to me and told me that unless I raised the funds to pay for the school, I was to be sent home. Nothing was raised, so I was indeed sent home. After about 2 weeks or so of being home, someone called and said that my school was paid. So I packed up and went back to school.
#2 US Air Force
Within about 1 month of my permanent duty station, there was an accident where I tore a ligament in my knee. Because of this injury, I was unable to do my work. After 3 years of not being allowed to do anything, I put in for other jobs. I was turned down for every job that I put in for.
#3 US Air Force Part 2
I was given odd jobs to do when they came up. This one odd job was a painting detail. There were 3 of us working the detail. When the Sargent was not there, it was said that I was to be in charge. 1 day he was not there, and being in charge and not having any more work to do for the day, I and the 1 other person left for the day. This was the typical thing that we did when we ran out of work. On this particular day, the boss in charge of the detail came looking for us and to make a long story short, the Sargent of my detail did not back me up. I was charged with abandoning my post.
#4 US Air Force Part 3
As punishment, I was sent to Correctional Custody (CC), where I was terrorized and humiliated by the people on staff there. This greatly enhanced my Avoidant Personality which lead to my hatred of the Air Force, which lead to my discharge.
#5 Church
When we started attending this Church, a Pastor approached me. After some talk she said that the Church had a need for a facilitator in their Helps Ministry. We talked about this a couple more times. After the last meeting, everything went cold. I never heard anything again from this pastor about this ministry.
#6 Restoration Ministries
This was a Church that I attended when I lived in Oregon. There was a ministry there called Restoration. After I went through the school, I went on staff. I worked on the ministry office and took care of their books, advertising, school agenda, etc. One day, a young lady came into the school. After she graduated, she came onto staff. She moved into the office and started working with me. Slowly at first, then she just took over completely and I was told I was no longer needed.
#7 Boise Bible College
I attended this college with the intention of just getting a Bible Certificate. The 1st semester went well. I made a friend right off. She was just the thing I needed to make my college experience bearable. About half way through the semester, her husband had an terrible accident which left him a paraplegic. Since he was the provider for the family, she had no choice but to drop out of school. After she left, I was without anyone to be my friend and support.
#8 Boise Bible College part 2
I wanted to be a help to the college as much as I could. Those of us that lived off base had it doubly tuff because we just didnt seem to get the support that those that lived on campus did. I wanted to start a forum for us off-campus students so we could talk and get help. I was told it was not a bad idea, but was just left hanging. I was never gotten back to from anyone.
#9 Boise Bible College part 3
I also wanted to promote the school. I was contacted about by a company that wanted surveys from students and testimonials for colleges throughout the US. I asked about posting these surveys and soliciting testimonials from students. Again, I was left totally hanging. No one from the college ever got back to me on this project.
#10 Boise Bible College part 4
I have nerve damage (From the Air Force) in my hands making it very difficult to impossible to write legibly. I informed every one of my professors of this problem right at the start of every class I took. No allowances were made for my disability. So when tests came, I was forced to try to write by hand. There were essay questions and fill in the blank questions. The only hope that I had to even come close to being legible was to write very very slowly. The tests were timed. I was unable to complete the tests in time. On answers that I was able to complete, I had to keep my answers shorter than what they needed to be due to the pain in my hands. So as a result, my scores were very bad and some tests I was not able to do at all and was forced to take Failures.
#12 Odd noises?
Another one that I am not sure belongs here, but Im going to put in down anyway. When I was a kid, I would often hear odd noises and see strange things. One time, I even thought that I had a pillow over my head and was being smothered.
#13 Hewlett Packard
I was hired over the phone for this job without even an interview. So this was a odd one, but with a good result at 1st. But after 3 years, I was laid off.
#14 The Apple store
I was hired as the service manager. After a short while at this store, I learned that the owner did not pay either personal or business taxes. Some time later, I was laid off.
#15 The Movie Gallery
I was the store manager. One day, I was sent movies that were soft porn. I refused to rent them and was fired. A couple years later, they went out of business.
#16 Failed Business
My wife and I started up a business. It was a magazine. We were not able to sell enough spots and finally had to file Bankruptcy when the business failed.
Bankruptcy, Foreclosure & Repossession
This was a result of our failed business, but we lost our home, & 2 cars in the bankruptcy.
Then on the flip side of this, there is a positive. I met my wife. We met over the phone when I lived in Texas and she in Idaho. We prayed that if it was God and I was to move to idaho, that God would provide a job. I put a resume on line and was called by a company. I was hired for HP sight unseen and without even an interview. I went to Idaho and got married.
These are just the main ones that I can recall. But I know there are many many more just like this. There have been jobs that I have applied for that I thought I had for sure. One interview would go wonderfully. Then then next would not and would not get hired. This happened again and again and again. Not precisely the same way each time as if not to raise too much suspicion. But odd things that keep leading to the same result.
Every friend I have made in my life, which have been very very few, have left me.
In every single job I have ever had, something has gone wrong. At some point, my position was dissolved, or the company went under or something else odd happened to end my time there. Nothing I have ever tried has succeeded. There have been a few small things here and there, but nothing big or even close to big.
I know that in any life, some rain is going to fall. Bad things happen. Thats just life. But I have had just about nuthing but bad luck all my life. Sure, there have been times of peace throughout my life when things have gone ok or at least nothing bad has happened.
I think if anyone was given a steady dose of all this constantly, they would go crazy or go out and do something dumb.
In all this, I have refused to give up. I still do. I keep plugging along and try to at least get by. But on some days, like today, its just a bit much. If I didnt know better, Id say that I am cursed. Its like this thing that prevents anything really good from happening in my life. I get just enough to get by and our needs are met, but no more. The only really good things in my life have been my God my wife, and my daughter.
I dont blame any of these places above. It was not any of their faults. It was this thing that seems to float over and around me that causes any place I am, any job Im in, any friends I have to not work out, fail and leave me.
Its like that movie Shawshank Redemption. In the movie, Tim Robins was sent to prison for a murder he did not commit. When asked why he was sent to prision, he said that bad luck just floated around looking for someone to land on and it was just his turn.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
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