Someone left a comment about my blog. Their comment was the they were surprised that any Avoidant could have a wife. Or even a girlfriend. What follows is both my response to their comment and a new post to all Avoidants out there.
I have had comments from Avoidants all over the world. I have actually been very surprised at the over seas Avoidants out there. Not sure why I thought that this was an American problem. Well, I guess its not. There are Avoidants everywhere.
What I wonder though is if the medical profession in other parts of the world is able to diagnose effectively, or as often, people as Avoidants.
Of course, that begs the question of how many people in the US, and the world, struggle with these things, but have never had the benefit of knowing why they are the way that they are. Knowing the problem is a huge help.
Its like being an alcoholic. Admitting you are one is half the battle.
"Know Thyself"
When I was younger, I dont know. I have never had a good memory. I dont really remember much from when I was younger. Very little and very sketchy.
It is a huge challenge to maintain a healthy relationship. Its often beyond a challenge. But anything that is really worth it is going to take some work. In some cases, lots and lots of work!
I guess the 1st thing Id say is that no Avoidant should accept the labels of the world or what they say that we can and cannot do.
This is the #1 suggestion that I have for any Avoidant, and anyone else for that matter. Be careful who you listen to. There will be lots of people that will tell us what we cannot do. Dont listen!
When I was diagnosed as an Avoidant, I was told that I would never even have a girlfriend, much less a wife. Well, Im here to tell you that the shrink that diagnosed me was wrong!
I am married and very happily so. That does not mean that its not difficult, but its good just the same. Normal marriage, with all its challenges is hard enough. But throw on top of that someone with an Avoidant personality, who thinks everyone, including his wife is always out to get him, and everyone is better than him, and is soo hurt that everything that she says and thinks and does is an attack and well...you get the idea.
Its beyond a challenge for my poor wife that deserves a big medal and the wife of the year award. But one thing that made the difference is that I gave her a book called "Please Understand Me". She read about me and my personality. It was very tuff on her at first, but eventually she got it. All the credit really goes to God though. God just made me click in her mind and heart.
That does not mean that she always gets it and always understands, but it means that he is a lot more understanding that most of of your other average people.
If I had accepted (Believed) the curse (What she told me that I could not do) that my shrink tried to put on me, I would have never even tried to find a girlfriend or wife.
For me, salvation came largely in the form of writing. I write down my thoughts, my prayers, my ideas. A lot of therapy came from writing. I also get therapy from helping others. I serve in my local Church and am the leader for a helps ministry there.
Its said that the best way to get your mind off your own troubles is to help others with theirs. I started a blog in the hopes that I could help in some way others that were Avoidants and needed to be understood. Soon, I hope to write a book and maybe more.
As for drugs, I did go to the VA to try an anti-depressant once. It had a side effect that they did not tell me about. I got vertigo so bad, that I thought I was going to die and had to go to the ER.
The ironic thing is that they all have side effects. Most anti-depressants can make you even more depressed. They can also give you thoughts of suicide. Been there too. I thought of it before and even tried it. Now I cant even tell you what my thinking was or why I wanted to do that. Its a foreign thought to me now.
Sure, I get depressed sometimes, but I would never end things for several reasons. First, I could never willingly leave my daughter and my wife. Next, I am too smart for that. What good would it do to end things? Not one good thing would come of it. And depending on your theology, you might end up in Hell. Definitely not a good thing.
I never went back to anti-depressants. Drugs do have their place as do medical professionals. But Id take them with a huge grain of salt when it comes to being an Avoidant.
Few, if any Shrinks, know what it is to be an Avoidant. They have the book learning, but that is totally different than actually living as one.
I have thought about writing a book one day on being an Avoidant and also from the perspective of a spouse that lives with an Avoidant. One day, I will do this.
Best advice is to Never Give up. Things always get better eventually. It might take a while, but the light always comes just after the darkness.
"Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.''
Winston Churchhill
Dont listen to the well-meaning, but often wrong things, that others will tell you. Often those closest to us will be the most negative and tell us what we cant do.
If you are looking for a girlfriend or wife, the best thing to do is to stop looking. If you are a Christian, pray and ask God. When you stop looking, it will happen.
It will take a special person to put up with an Avoidant. It did for me. I think any Avoidant that is married, or in a relationship, will tell you the same thing. Be up front with her and tell her about yourself and your Avoidant. Maybe not right off the batt. I dont know about that one for sure. Thats a tuff call.
If my wife had known what she was getting herself into, Im not sure she would have signed on the dotted line, If I was in her shoes, I would not have!
But thank God that she did. She is the best thing that ever happened to me apart from God and my 8 year old daughter. Without the women in my life, I am not sure where I would be, Or even if I would be.
I owe my wife and daughter a huge debt that I can never repay. Sounds like God doesnt it? Well, they are not God, but they certainly are a gift from God. A gift that I often take for granted and dont appreciate like I should. But I would not be who I am today without them!
In the end, Id say to hang on. Every Avoidant struggles with these things. Its not an easy life to live with this. But it can be overcome. I am working mine out. Its has been a long struggle, but its been a good and worthwhile one. God is a huge help. Best suggestion is to find him and let him help.
If any Avoidant out there needs help, a kind word, understanding, or anything else, I am here. I will do the best I can. Just email me.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
