How to fight with an Avoidant Personality

I just recently started up my radio show/group for Avoidants. Its a huge undertaking and responsibility. Its not anything I take lightly. In fact, truth be told, I dont even want to do it.

My wife told me that since I am an Avoidant, I should just Avoid it!!

That made me laugh. But its something that I feel I just have to do. Plus I really do want to help others. After all, that's what I do. Or at least I try. Sometimes I wonder how in the world Jesus did it. He must have had all kinds of people coming up to him wanting help.

In the Jesus movies, we typically only see hearings. And perhaps this is all that there was. Its what we read in the Bible. My favorite Jesus movie is Jesus Christ Superstar. In this movie, there is a huge crowd that envelops Jesus and crowds him so much, that he is almost trampled. He throws up his hands and cries out for help.

We are given a few examples where Jesus had to get away from the crowds. I suspect that it may have indeed happened much like what I saw in that movie. In this day and age, if someone had lots of money and stands out on the street with that money in plain sight, they wont have it long.

Can you imagine someone standing out in the street handing out healing? My guess is that they just might be equally trampled and used.

What I have found is the greatest need is for those that want to know how to be in a relationship with an Avoidant. Its very hard to try to put myself in the shoes of someone that is normal. Most of the time, I can even figure out me. Much less someone that does not have these issues that I have.

However, I have my wife to lean on. I do my best to study her and learn from her. There is so much that I never learned when I was young. Im not sure if this is common to Avoidants or not, but I suspect that it is. For example, when I was young, I had very few, to no friends. As a result, I never developed social graces and such.

I heard of "How to win friends and influence people", but I could never get my hands on the book. Or maybe I was just waiting for the book to come out. I suppose its a bit like the "What came 1st, the chicken or the egg" conundrum. The egg could not have been 1st because a Chicken would have had to have been around to lay it.

And the Chicken could not have been 1st because the chicken need be hatched from an egg. (Of course as Christians, we know that the Chicken came 1st. God did not create an egg)

So in my situation, which came 1st? The Avoidant, or not knowing how to deal with people?

I need to be around people in order to learn social skills. But I need to learn social skills in order to be around people.

Back to my wife. I need to be able to put myself in her shoes in order to figure out how and why she is unable to communicate with me in the way I need her to. As an Avoidant, I avoid. Sounds pretty simple huh?

So in a normal relationship, when 2 people get in a fight, they hash it out. It might not be pretty, but its a necessary thing on order for 1 people to work things out. In a relationship with an Avoidant, there is 1 person missing. The "Normal" (For lack of a better word) puts us their dukes and prepares for the fight. They cant wait for the bell to ring so they can come out swinging. Of course in this case, the swings are verbal assaults.

In the other corner is the Avoidant. The avoidant is just trying to ignore the situation and really really hoping that this will all blow over quickly so they can go back to watching TV. The Avoidant wants to avoid conflict at all costs. They are thinking that it would hurt less if this was a real fight in a real boxing ring. At least the Avoidant could deal with real punches, and they would hurt so much less that the words that the other person is about to hurl his or her way.

The bell rings and its time to fight. If this were any normal relationship, the blows would have begun. They would continue until either one or the other is knocked out or they come to some sort of resolution.

But this is a special fight. Its between an Avoidant and a Normal. Its the fight in the century!

The bell has rung and...........

The Normal steps forward and starts swinging. But the swings catch nothing but air.

Wait, there is something wrong. Why is the Normal the only one standing? What happened to the Avoidant?

As the dust settles, we see the Avoidant cowering in the corner. He looks battered and beaten in. But how could this be? The Normal did not lay a glove on the Avoidant?

Not only is the Avodaint cowering in the corner, they are shaking uncontrollably.

Such is life with an Avoidant. We will do anything to avoid a fight or argument. All it takes is the hint of un-settlement coming our way and we collapse in misery. We are defeated before the fight even materializes. So how in the world does one fight or argue with an Avoidant?

The answer. Very Very Very Very carefully!!!

More later











This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

Recorded Avoidant Groups

We just finished our 2nd group. I hope that any that wanted to was able to attend. In case you did not get a chance to be there, here are links to both groups. If you have any ideas, suggestions, or thoughts on the group, please contact me.

1st Group
10-09-13

2nd Group - Keeping it Real - Avoidant Group
11-13-12








This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

Avoidants everywhere come

Thank you to those that have taken our old survey. Unfortunately, it was only 10 questions. It was set up on a free account with Survey Monkey. The downside of being free is that they will not allow me to view all the responses or lengthen the survey unless I pay a monthly fee, which I cannot afford right now.

If you took the old survey, please retake it. The new one that I created on Google Docs is much much better and its free.

If you have not taken the survey, please consider doing so. Especially if you plan on coming to our group on Wednesday at 7:00 pm MT.

Taking the survey will help you understand yourself a little better, and will also help us. The hope is that we can find commonalities and things that link us together. Maybe we can learn a bit as to why we all suffer from this and maybe find things that will help in the healing process.

You should also click on "Follow" for this blog. By clicking on follow, you will get emails when there are new posts here.

We will be holding our Group every Wednesday night. If you are able, please come and check it out. If you are not able to listen live. I will be posting the recorded versions here as well. But if at all possible, please come to the live group.

This Wednesday, I will be sharing my personal testimony, which is my journey. I have to tell a joke here. It came from my wife. I told her how hard this was and how much I really did not want to hold the Group. She had this to say.

"Well, you could say that since you are an Avoidant, you avoided the group."

This is not easy for me. Even though I am a Pastor, it is very hard to talk openly about this part of my life. And really, being a Pastor makes it 100 times harder.

In our society, and in our Churches, Pastors are put on pedestals. They are thought of as perfect and unapproachable. Pastors and other ministers are the gospel just don't share their weakness. Maybe its because we want those that lead us to be without weakness. Maybe we need them to be strong.

I understand this. Strength is an admirable trait. But in our society, strength is confused with pride and arrogance. No one is perfect. None expect Jesus. For one to pretend to be perfect (without fault) is arrogant and prideful.

True strength is being vulnerable and transparent. It takes a big man, and a bigger Pastor, to admit that he is flawed. Its only in this being open and honest that we can find healing for this.

My challenge to all the Avoidants out there is to come.

You can sit in the back and just listen if you wish. You can be as vocal, or as silent as you wish. There will be no demands and no pressure at all. But I do ask that you come and give it a chance.






This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it.

Please complete our survey at this by clicking here. Your answers will help you understand yourself better and will also help us understand us all better.

I also started a group on Facebook. I have no idea if it will prove popular of not. Avoidants tend to want to avoid. Such is our nature. But if you do wish to tell your story, your struggles and your victories, you can use try out the facebook page. .

I am not a professional. I am an Avoidant Personality. Professionals are good and can help, but they learn about Avoidants, and other such disorders, from a book.

Though I do not know for sure, I suspect that I was born an Avoidant. Certain things have happened in my life that made it much worse. I have been healed from the disorder, and I am being healed from this disorder. That means that I still have my struggles. The healing I have received is an on-going process that I have to work out from day to day.

I am a Pastor and run Needs Met Church. As an Avoidant, I want to help others cope with this. We wil be holding this group every Wednesday at 7pm.

Please join us as we explore Avoidant Personalities, other mental disorders, and seek healing from them.

Avoidant service starting again on Wednesday 11/13/13

I have been very encouraged by the response so far to the Avoidant Service. We had our 1st group last month.

I had many people email me and ask when the next one was going to be held.

The next servcie will be this Wednesday the 13th at 7:00 pm MT.

This group is for;

Anyone that has been diagnosed as an Avoidant
Anyone that thinks that might be an Avoidant, but has not been diagnosed yet
Anyone that lives with, or is in a relationship with an Avoidant
Anyone that has a similar disorder. (Depression, Social Anxiety, etc...)

If I can get it set up in time, I may have a co-host. This is someone that is also an Avoidant, and just wants to share their struggles and victories. If anyone else out there is interested in being a co-host of the group, please contact me. I would love to have guest and special speakers come from time to time as well.

The purpose of this is simple.

To give Avoidants, and those will similar struggles, from all over the world, a safe place to go. A place where we can talk openly and honestly about our struggles and our victories. All I ask is that you keep it clean.

The recording of the group will be available for anyone to listen to, but I would prefer to have as many as possible attend live.

What I need to know is; Is Wednesday night a good time for the group? If not, is there a better day and time that you would like to have this on?

If you have any suggestions, ideas, or things that you would like to know more about, please let me know.


Click here for the service page.




This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

The 1stAvoidant Group and the next one

The Avoidant Group was a success!

There was around 121 people at the group. What I didn't have was people interacting. I need people to come into chat, or even call in if you wish. I want to hear about your struggles and how you are coping with being an Avoidant.

What I also need is your ideas, suggestions, things you want to talk about, and such. Anything you have to say, I want to hear it.

If you have anything like this, please email them to me.

I am hoping to also get a professional to join us, but Im not sure if this is going to be possible. Most professionals may not want to join a group that is led by a non-professional.

So I will probably just end up looking for someone that wants to come and host the group with me. They either need to be a professional, or an Avoidant like me. They don't have to be recovered, or even recovering. If you are interested in applying for this, please email me and tell me why you think you would like to do this.

The focus of the group is that I am not a professional, but someone that is an Avoidant. The downside of professionals is that they learned about Avoidants from a book. I have lived it, and continue to live it.

I dont think its really possible for someone that is not an Avoidant to really understand what its like to BE AN AVOIDANT.

Of course, professionals do offer some advantages that I cannot. They often know statistics and such that I dont. They can tell you about some ways to deal with things that maybe I dont. And in some cases, even prescribe meds that I cannot.

Though I strongly recommend against meds unless you have experience with them or can be really really careful. Meds have a place and can be useful, but often meds that are prescribed to deal with depression and Avoidant type issues are worse have very very bad drawbacks.

For example, most anti-depression meds can actually cause deeper depression and suicide. Why these meds are prescribed is beyond me.

Many can cause you to have suicidal thoughts. Why would anyone want to take these seems just plain nuts to me!!

I dont have a format in mind for the group. I am completely open to however God would want to run this. We can just sit around and talk. That is perfectly fine.

I mainly just want to provide a place where Avoidants, and those like us, can go to. A place where everyone knows your name. Like in the old show Cheers.

Mark your calendars!

The next meeting for Avoidants will be November 13th at 7pm MT.

After this, I will be doing this every week, same bat time, same bat channel.

See ya all then!!!

And remember if you have any suggestions, ideas, or thought on how you want this to run, please let me know.






This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.