I received a comment today on a posting I wrote a long time ago. The posting was on a hypnosis session that was done to me about 30 or so years ago. At the time I had the session, I was young, foolish and did not understand the implications of what I was doing.
I am not in favor on Hypnosis. I think its very dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.
I decided not to allow this comment that is in favor of Hypnosis because its in direct conflict with both logic and the Bible.
I believe that Hypnotherapy is very dangerous. I believe that no Christian should go under this mental knife. Many years ago, this was the mainstream thought in the Christian community. Now things have changed. Many deceived Christians now say that its ok. Its not really surprising. There are a lot of things that were once forbidden in our Churches that some have now decided are fine.
One example. We even have so-called Churches now that allow gay marriage.
But just because some have changed their minds, does not make these things right.
The mind is very powerful. God spoke the world into existence with only his words. These words came from his heart and mind. In us, the mind is also the brain. The heart, mind, and soul is who we truly are. The brain controls the entire body.
To mess with these controls is very dangerous. We know very little about the brain and its abilities. To mess with something that we know very little about is just plain crazy.
It would be like me trying to perform surgery. I know computers. I know nothing about the brain or surgery. So for me to perform surgery on a brain is ludicrous. But yet, this is what we are doing when we allow someone to work on our brain.
We are giving this Hypnotherapist control over our very being.
We are allowing someone, that knows very little about how the brain really functions, to come in and make adjustments to it.
This would be like asking a customer service person to do brain surgery on you. It makes no sense at all to allow it.
This is the logical side of my argument. What about from a Biblical stance?
Well, the Bible does not specifically address Hypnotherapy, but that does not mean that its ok. Some think that just because a thing is not mentioned by name in the Bible, its ok to do.
I find this argument to be extremely silly. I hear it all the time. 'The bible does not address Gays, Homosexuals, Hypnosis, etc.. by name, so it must be ok, right?"
This is a really poor argument. Up until about 50 years ago, or so, the word Gay simply meant someone that was happy. We changed the meaning of it.
The word Homosexual was invented in the 1800's. Since these terms were not invented yet, how can we possibly expect God to have used these terms in the bible?
Hypnotherapy, at least by that name, was also unknown in Jesus day.
In order for God to say that certain things were wrong, to an audience that knew little to nothing about such sins yet, he would need to talk about them in more general terms.
Hypnosis involves the transfer of control away from ourselves to another person.
Galatians 5:22-23
We are to give over the control of our mind only to God.
Romans 6:12-13
Hypnotism is often promoted as a simple way of “refocusing” ourselves and finding the answer within us. As believers in Christ, our focus is to be on our Savior, not on ourselves or anything else.
Hebrews 12:2, Romans 7:18, Romans 8:2
Many of the techniques used in hypnosis are shared by mystical, philosophical, and religious systems, including the occult. The “father of hypnotism,” Franz Anton Mesmer—from whose name we get the word mesmerize—was himself a practitioner of the occult.
Deuteronomy 18:9-12 tells us that we can not have anything to do with the occult.
So I think the Bible is all too clear, as does logic tell us, that we should have nothing to do with Hypnosis.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Avoidant Personality
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
How to be defective and live with a defective
I have received several emails lately asking me for help. They have all been from people that are in some sort of relationship with a partner that is an Avoidant. In some cases, they are not sure, but suspect that their partner is an Avoidant.
My heart goes out to anyone that lives with, or is in a relationship, with an Avoidant. I wont blow smoke up your you know where. Its ruff putting up with an Avoidant. I takes the patience of Job and the understanding and wisdom of Solomon. I have been married for 10 years now.
I try to tell my poor wife as often as I can that I love her and appreciate her. When I am in full blown Avoidant mode, I am impossible to live with. I am a Christian and used to be a Youth Pastor. I love God, pray, read and talk to him daily. But even with all this on my side, its still not easy.
I cant even imagine how anyone could possible cope with being an Avoidant and not be a Christian. Just being normal is hard enough without God. But being an Avoidant takes this to a whole new level.
I really have no idea how my wife and I have made it this far. Other than to say that it has to have been God. We have been on the brink of divorce many many times. We still have our bad days. I tell people that being an Avoidant is like a form of Schizophrenia. Its like a computer that was given 2 conflicting sets of instructions. Like in the movie 2001 a Space Odyssey.
I think if someone wants a glimpse of what being an Avoidant is like, Id have them watch this movie. In the movie, the on-board computer is called Hal. Hal has a directive to always tell the truth no matter what. But in secret, he was given orders to lie to the crew about the tru nature of the mission.
These orders are diametrically opposed to each other. Hal cannot complete either order. So the result is that he goes nuts. This is what Avoidants deal with each and every day. We want to love and be loved. We want to be accepted by others. We want to have friends and relationships.
But the Avoidant part of us gives us another set of orders. These orders say that we hate people. People are the enemy. Everyone is better than us so we need to shun them all. We cannot be loved because we dont deserve it. We deserve to live alone and be unhappy.
These 2 sets of orders are always fighting against each other driving us nuts.
To live with an Avoidant takes extreme patience, extreme understanding and extreme patience. Did I mention patience? When you have come to the end of your patience, be patient some more. And when you have gotten to the end of that, be patent some more. And when the end of that comes, be patient some more.
Its a tuff life that I would not recommend to the faint of heart. But there is hope! There is always hope. If you love that person, stick with them. It will take time, but they will come around. I think that once you get through the muck and mire of being with an Avoidant, there are very good things on the other side. Avoidants have the capability of making excellent mates because once you get through, your in.
Avoidants, perhaps more than just about any other personality type, will be there through thick and then. Fiercely loyal and protective to a fault. We love deeply. You just have to get through all the ruff exterior.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
My heart goes out to anyone that lives with, or is in a relationship, with an Avoidant. I wont blow smoke up your you know where. Its ruff putting up with an Avoidant. I takes the patience of Job and the understanding and wisdom of Solomon. I have been married for 10 years now.
I try to tell my poor wife as often as I can that I love her and appreciate her. When I am in full blown Avoidant mode, I am impossible to live with. I am a Christian and used to be a Youth Pastor. I love God, pray, read and talk to him daily. But even with all this on my side, its still not easy.
I cant even imagine how anyone could possible cope with being an Avoidant and not be a Christian. Just being normal is hard enough without God. But being an Avoidant takes this to a whole new level.
I really have no idea how my wife and I have made it this far. Other than to say that it has to have been God. We have been on the brink of divorce many many times. We still have our bad days. I tell people that being an Avoidant is like a form of Schizophrenia. Its like a computer that was given 2 conflicting sets of instructions. Like in the movie 2001 a Space Odyssey.
I think if someone wants a glimpse of what being an Avoidant is like, Id have them watch this movie. In the movie, the on-board computer is called Hal. Hal has a directive to always tell the truth no matter what. But in secret, he was given orders to lie to the crew about the tru nature of the mission.
These orders are diametrically opposed to each other. Hal cannot complete either order. So the result is that he goes nuts. This is what Avoidants deal with each and every day. We want to love and be loved. We want to be accepted by others. We want to have friends and relationships.
But the Avoidant part of us gives us another set of orders. These orders say that we hate people. People are the enemy. Everyone is better than us so we need to shun them all. We cannot be loved because we dont deserve it. We deserve to live alone and be unhappy.
These 2 sets of orders are always fighting against each other driving us nuts.
To live with an Avoidant takes extreme patience, extreme understanding and extreme patience. Did I mention patience? When you have come to the end of your patience, be patient some more. And when you have gotten to the end of that, be patent some more. And when the end of that comes, be patient some more.
Its a tuff life that I would not recommend to the faint of heart. But there is hope! There is always hope. If you love that person, stick with them. It will take time, but they will come around. I think that once you get through the muck and mire of being with an Avoidant, there are very good things on the other side. Avoidants have the capability of making excellent mates because once you get through, your in.
Avoidants, perhaps more than just about any other personality type, will be there through thick and then. Fiercely loyal and protective to a fault. We love deeply. You just have to get through all the ruff exterior.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Im an Avoidant, your an Avoidant, wouldnt you like to be an Avoidant to?
Someone left a comment about my blog. Their comment was the they were surprised that any Avoidant could have a wife. Or even a girlfriend. What follows is both my response to their comment and a new post to all Avoidants out there.
I have had comments from Avoidants all over the world. I have actually been very surprised at the over seas Avoidants out there. Not sure why I thought that this was an American problem. Well, I guess its not. There are Avoidants everywhere.
What I wonder though is if the medical profession in other parts of the world is able to diagnose effectively, or as often, people as Avoidants.
Of course, that begs the question of how many people in the US, and the world, struggle with these things, but have never had the benefit of knowing why they are the way that they are. Knowing the problem is a huge help.
Its like being an alcoholic. Admitting you are one is half the battle.
"Know Thyself"
When I was younger, I dont know. I have never had a good memory. I dont really remember much from when I was younger. Very little and very sketchy.
It is a huge challenge to maintain a healthy relationship. Its often beyond a challenge. But anything that is really worth it is going to take some work. In some cases, lots and lots of work!
I guess the 1st thing Id say is that no Avoidant should accept the labels of the world or what they say that we can and cannot do.
This is the #1 suggestion that I have for any Avoidant, and anyone else for that matter. Be careful who you listen to. There will be lots of people that will tell us what we cannot do. Dont listen!
When I was diagnosed as an Avoidant, I was told that I would never even have a girlfriend, much less a wife. Well, Im here to tell you that the shrink that diagnosed me was wrong!
I am married and very happily so. That does not mean that its not difficult, but its good just the same. Normal marriage, with all its challenges is hard enough. But throw on top of that someone with an Avoidant personality, who thinks everyone, including his wife is always out to get him, and everyone is better than him, and is soo hurt that everything that she says and thinks and does is an attack and well...you get the idea.
Its beyond a challenge for my poor wife that deserves a big medal and the wife of the year award. But one thing that made the difference is that I gave her a book called "Please Understand Me". She read about me and my personality. It was very tuff on her at first, but eventually she got it. All the credit really goes to God though. God just made me click in her mind and heart.
That does not mean that she always gets it and always understands, but it means that he is a lot more understanding that most of of your other average people.
If I had accepted (Believed) the curse (What she told me that I could not do) that my shrink tried to put on me, I would have never even tried to find a girlfriend or wife.
For me, salvation came largely in the form of writing. I write down my thoughts, my prayers, my ideas. A lot of therapy came from writing. I also get therapy from helping others. I serve in my local Church and am the leader for a helps ministry there.
Its said that the best way to get your mind off your own troubles is to help others with theirs. I started a blog in the hopes that I could help in some way others that were Avoidants and needed to be understood. Soon, I hope to write a book and maybe more.
As for drugs, I did go to the VA to try an anti-depressant once. It had a side effect that they did not tell me about. I got vertigo so bad, that I thought I was going to die and had to go to the ER.
The ironic thing is that they all have side effects. Most anti-depressants can make you even more depressed. They can also give you thoughts of suicide. Been there too. I thought of it before and even tried it. Now I cant even tell you what my thinking was or why I wanted to do that. Its a foreign thought to me now.
Sure, I get depressed sometimes, but I would never end things for several reasons. First, I could never willingly leave my daughter and my wife. Next, I am too smart for that. What good would it do to end things? Not one good thing would come of it. And depending on your theology, you might end up in Hell. Definitely not a good thing.
I never went back to anti-depressants. Drugs do have their place as do medical professionals. But Id take them with a huge grain of salt when it comes to being an Avoidant.
Few, if any Shrinks, know what it is to be an Avoidant. They have the book learning, but that is totally different than actually living as one.
I have thought about writing a book one day on being an Avoidant and also from the perspective of a spouse that lives with an Avoidant. One day, I will do this.
Best advice is to Never Give up. Things always get better eventually. It might take a while, but the light always comes just after the darkness.
"Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.''
Winston Churchhill
Dont listen to the well-meaning, but often wrong things, that others will tell you. Often those closest to us will be the most negative and tell us what we cant do.
If you are looking for a girlfriend or wife, the best thing to do is to stop looking. If you are a Christian, pray and ask God. When you stop looking, it will happen.
It will take a special person to put up with an Avoidant. It did for me. I think any Avoidant that is married, or in a relationship, will tell you the same thing. Be up front with her and tell her about yourself and your Avoidant. Maybe not right off the batt. I dont know about that one for sure. Thats a tuff call.
If my wife had known what she was getting herself into, Im not sure she would have signed on the dotted line, If I was in her shoes, I would not have!
But thank God that she did. She is the best thing that ever happened to me apart from God and my 8 year old daughter. Without the women in my life, I am not sure where I would be, Or even if I would be.
I owe my wife and daughter a huge debt that I can never repay. Sounds like God doesnt it? Well, they are not God, but they certainly are a gift from God. A gift that I often take for granted and dont appreciate like I should. But I would not be who I am today without them!
In the end, Id say to hang on. Every Avoidant struggles with these things. Its not an easy life to live with this. But it can be overcome. I am working mine out. Its has been a long struggle, but its been a good and worthwhile one. God is a huge help. Best suggestion is to find him and let him help.
If any Avoidant out there needs help, a kind word, understanding, or anything else, I am here. I will do the best I can. Just email me.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
I have had comments from Avoidants all over the world. I have actually been very surprised at the over seas Avoidants out there. Not sure why I thought that this was an American problem. Well, I guess its not. There are Avoidants everywhere.
What I wonder though is if the medical profession in other parts of the world is able to diagnose effectively, or as often, people as Avoidants.
Of course, that begs the question of how many people in the US, and the world, struggle with these things, but have never had the benefit of knowing why they are the way that they are. Knowing the problem is a huge help.
Its like being an alcoholic. Admitting you are one is half the battle.
"Know Thyself"
When I was younger, I dont know. I have never had a good memory. I dont really remember much from when I was younger. Very little and very sketchy.
It is a huge challenge to maintain a healthy relationship. Its often beyond a challenge. But anything that is really worth it is going to take some work. In some cases, lots and lots of work!
I guess the 1st thing Id say is that no Avoidant should accept the labels of the world or what they say that we can and cannot do.
This is the #1 suggestion that I have for any Avoidant, and anyone else for that matter. Be careful who you listen to. There will be lots of people that will tell us what we cannot do. Dont listen!
When I was diagnosed as an Avoidant, I was told that I would never even have a girlfriend, much less a wife. Well, Im here to tell you that the shrink that diagnosed me was wrong!
I am married and very happily so. That does not mean that its not difficult, but its good just the same. Normal marriage, with all its challenges is hard enough. But throw on top of that someone with an Avoidant personality, who thinks everyone, including his wife is always out to get him, and everyone is better than him, and is soo hurt that everything that she says and thinks and does is an attack and well...you get the idea.
Its beyond a challenge for my poor wife that deserves a big medal and the wife of the year award. But one thing that made the difference is that I gave her a book called "Please Understand Me". She read about me and my personality. It was very tuff on her at first, but eventually she got it. All the credit really goes to God though. God just made me click in her mind and heart.
That does not mean that she always gets it and always understands, but it means that he is a lot more understanding that most of of your other average people.
If I had accepted (Believed) the curse (What she told me that I could not do) that my shrink tried to put on me, I would have never even tried to find a girlfriend or wife.
For me, salvation came largely in the form of writing. I write down my thoughts, my prayers, my ideas. A lot of therapy came from writing. I also get therapy from helping others. I serve in my local Church and am the leader for a helps ministry there.
Its said that the best way to get your mind off your own troubles is to help others with theirs. I started a blog in the hopes that I could help in some way others that were Avoidants and needed to be understood. Soon, I hope to write a book and maybe more.
As for drugs, I did go to the VA to try an anti-depressant once. It had a side effect that they did not tell me about. I got vertigo so bad, that I thought I was going to die and had to go to the ER.
The ironic thing is that they all have side effects. Most anti-depressants can make you even more depressed. They can also give you thoughts of suicide. Been there too. I thought of it before and even tried it. Now I cant even tell you what my thinking was or why I wanted to do that. Its a foreign thought to me now.
Sure, I get depressed sometimes, but I would never end things for several reasons. First, I could never willingly leave my daughter and my wife. Next, I am too smart for that. What good would it do to end things? Not one good thing would come of it. And depending on your theology, you might end up in Hell. Definitely not a good thing.
I never went back to anti-depressants. Drugs do have their place as do medical professionals. But Id take them with a huge grain of salt when it comes to being an Avoidant.
Few, if any Shrinks, know what it is to be an Avoidant. They have the book learning, but that is totally different than actually living as one.
I have thought about writing a book one day on being an Avoidant and also from the perspective of a spouse that lives with an Avoidant. One day, I will do this.
Best advice is to Never Give up. Things always get better eventually. It might take a while, but the light always comes just after the darkness.
"Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.''
Winston Churchhill
Dont listen to the well-meaning, but often wrong things, that others will tell you. Often those closest to us will be the most negative and tell us what we cant do.
If you are looking for a girlfriend or wife, the best thing to do is to stop looking. If you are a Christian, pray and ask God. When you stop looking, it will happen.
It will take a special person to put up with an Avoidant. It did for me. I think any Avoidant that is married, or in a relationship, will tell you the same thing. Be up front with her and tell her about yourself and your Avoidant. Maybe not right off the batt. I dont know about that one for sure. Thats a tuff call.
If my wife had known what she was getting herself into, Im not sure she would have signed on the dotted line, If I was in her shoes, I would not have!
But thank God that she did. She is the best thing that ever happened to me apart from God and my 8 year old daughter. Without the women in my life, I am not sure where I would be, Or even if I would be.
I owe my wife and daughter a huge debt that I can never repay. Sounds like God doesnt it? Well, they are not God, but they certainly are a gift from God. A gift that I often take for granted and dont appreciate like I should. But I would not be who I am today without them!
In the end, Id say to hang on. Every Avoidant struggles with these things. Its not an easy life to live with this. But it can be overcome. I am working mine out. Its has been a long struggle, but its been a good and worthwhile one. God is a huge help. Best suggestion is to find him and let him help.
If any Avoidant out there needs help, a kind word, understanding, or anything else, I am here. I will do the best I can. Just email me.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Monday, July 16, 2012
A Mind is a Terrible Thing when Wasted
Its been a while since I wrote on this blog. Life for me has been pretty busy lately. I know that is not really a good excuse, but its the best one I have.
I just got a response from someone that commented on one of my post. He just wanted to say thanks that someone writes about this disorder. Its hard to keep writing on this sometimes when I don't even know if anyone is listening.
It would be like a Pastor preaching in a Church with some sort of barrier that prevents him from seeing his audience, or if there is an audience at all.
I think it would be pretty hard on that Pastor. I guess it really should not matter. After all, even Jesus did not really have that much of an audience. Not compared to the size of audiences in this day and time.
So as my daughter says; "Its a hard time."
When I receive a comment or response saying thank you, it really means a lot. The other part of this is that maybe if all of us that have AVPd speak up, we can learn what this disorder is, what causes it, and how to deal with it better.
No offense meant to those with Cancer, or MS, or any of those other more obvious and physical deceases, but doesn't it seem that those disorders get all the publicity, notoriety, and money for research?
What about us? What about those of us that suffer silently and usually invisibly with mental disorders?
No one seems to pay us any mind (Pun Intended)
Phillip
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it.
I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
I just got a response from someone that commented on one of my post. He just wanted to say thanks that someone writes about this disorder. Its hard to keep writing on this sometimes when I don't even know if anyone is listening.
It would be like a Pastor preaching in a Church with some sort of barrier that prevents him from seeing his audience, or if there is an audience at all.
I think it would be pretty hard on that Pastor. I guess it really should not matter. After all, even Jesus did not really have that much of an audience. Not compared to the size of audiences in this day and time.
So as my daughter says; "Its a hard time."
When I receive a comment or response saying thank you, it really means a lot. The other part of this is that maybe if all of us that have AVPd speak up, we can learn what this disorder is, what causes it, and how to deal with it better.
No offense meant to those with Cancer, or MS, or any of those other more obvious and physical deceases, but doesn't it seem that those disorders get all the publicity, notoriety, and money for research?
What about us? What about those of us that suffer silently and usually invisibly with mental disorders?
No one seems to pay us any mind (Pun Intended)
Phillip
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it.
I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Ya know, as a Christian, this is probably not the Acceptable thing for a Christian to say. Its not very......Christian. Or is it? Is God that insecure that he is afraid of our honesty?
As Christians, we like to cover things up and pretend that everything is ok. And in the end, it is fine and all is good.
But this is in line with my Keeping It Real. Its my new theme song for Avoidant Personalities.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
As Christians, we like to cover things up and pretend that everything is ok. And in the end, it is fine and all is good.
But this is in line with my Keeping It Real. Its my new theme song for Avoidant Personalities.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
My own response (actually my wife's) to my post of the odd patterns
My wife reads my blog. She had a really good and positive way of looking at these odd patterns in my life.
My wife is wonderful. I asked her this morning what she thought of these patterns and she nailed it. Its actually a thought I have always had, but I have doubts about it when nothing seems to come of it and the pattern continues.
I even have more doubts when I dont sleep well. The lack of sleep makes for a really bad outlook on life and seems to make everything gloom and doom. Just like that old Hee Haw show for those of us that have been around that long and can remember it.
The song was called "Gloom Dispair and Agony on me"
This was how I felt yesterday. Today is a different story. I slept well last night and have a different outlook. So on with what these odd patterns are in my life.
God has always kept a close eye on my life. I dont really know why. But for whatever reason, he just has a special purpose for my life and does not let me wander too far. He does not allow me to have certain friends. He has always directed my life and just does not let me stray too far from his will. And in other cases, the thing I was supposed to do was only for a short season.
Such odd things for those that follow Christ are not without precedents.
My wife is wonderful. I asked her this morning what she thought of these patterns and she nailed it. Its actually a thought I have always had, but I have doubts about it when nothing seems to come of it and the pattern continues.
I even have more doubts when I dont sleep well. The lack of sleep makes for a really bad outlook on life and seems to make everything gloom and doom. Just like that old Hee Haw show for those of us that have been around that long and can remember it.
The song was called "Gloom Dispair and Agony on me"
This was how I felt yesterday. Today is a different story. I slept well last night and have a different outlook. So on with what these odd patterns are in my life.
God has always kept a close eye on my life. I dont really know why. But for whatever reason, he just has a special purpose for my life and does not let me wander too far. He does not allow me to have certain friends. He has always directed my life and just does not let me stray too far from his will. And in other cases, the thing I was supposed to do was only for a short season.
Such odd things for those that follow Christ are not without precedents.
- Jonah refused to go to Nineveh to preach. He took a boat ride to Tarshish, which was in the opposite direction from Nineveh. God sent a violent storm to almost sink the boat. The people of the boat determined the cause for this storm was Jonah. The crew threw him overboard. A whale swallowed him, took him to Nineveh and then spit him out.
- Then there is the story of Joseph. He was sold into slavery and went though a lot of pain in order to get placed where God needed him to be.
There are a lot of other stories in the Bible that show us that God directs people lives to get them where he needs them and to do what he needs them to do. Such is the case with my life and Im sure many others. Or most others. God is directing my life to get me where he wants me to be. Many times along the way, I have fought him. Like Jonah, I have not wanted to do what God has told me to do. I suspect that many of us fall into the same category.
Odd things seem to happen and we dont know why. Instead of thinking that life is just horrible to us and so is God. Perhaps, just perhaps its just the opposite. God case about us so very much, that he knows what we need to be doing and what we should be doing. Even though we may not understand it or recognize it. God knows that its the thing that will make our entire lives make sense. Its the one peice of the puzzle that we have always resisted because we just dont see how it can possibly fit.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Odd Paterns in my life
My life has been a series of ups and downs. Today is a down day. Weather this is due to the Avoidant or my just not having slept well last night, I do not know. Maybe is a combo of both. I hesitated to put this in my Avoidant blog. But I decided to do it anyway for a couple reasons. 1st, I didnt know where else to put it. Perhaps under a blog titled, "My weird and odd life that makes not sense at all". But perhaps that the very definition of being an Avoidant.
These odd patterns have existed all my life. My memory has never been good, so there is a lot that I just dont recall and never have. What are these odd patterns? Its like this carrot that is dangled out in front of me that I can never catch no matter how hard I try. I almost think of myself like Job.
Of course, I cant compare the things I go though to anything even remotely like Job. My needs have always been met. I have a good daughter, a good wife, a good house, a good job and good health. In these departments I can certainly not complain. But its just these odd things in my life that by themselves are not that big of a deal.
Looking at just 1 or 2 of these things in my life, one can just come to the conclusion that this is just how life is. Its often not very fair. I could even go as far as to say that "Life is a bitch and then you die". When this very same pattern continues for and entire life and the same things happen over and over and over again, I have to start taking notice.
I have certainly taken notice of this pattern before. In fact, I have thought on it many times over the course of my life. But thinking and even praying about it seems to do no good at all. I cannot figure out what it is, what I did wrong, or why this is happening.
Perhaps like Job, I didnt do anything at all. I was just an innocent subject of a bet gone wrong.
I guess I need to get back to this pattern and try to describe it or at least give examples of it. Throughout the course of my life, things have just never worked out for me. Or if something does seem like its about to work out, all of the sudden like, its yanked out from under me. And I am left trying to figure out why and what I did wrong.
Such has been my life. Its a puzzle that I have been working on all my life and still I am no closer to figuring it out.
Ok, so I guess its on to some examples of this weirdness. Like I said, by themselves, they would just seem normal or bad luck or whatever you want to call it. But do these sorts of bad luck streaks really last an entire lifetime?
So here are the ones I can remember.
#1 YWAM (Youth With a Mission)
I have no recollection of time frames. Best I can do is estimate this at around 1990 . YWAM is a Christian Missions organization. I worked with them for 3 years. One day I just mentioned casually that I might like to leave the ministry one day to my supervisor. I returned thinking about this, to my desk and work. About 10 minutes later, I was summoned to a meeting with about 10 or so of my peers and as told that I was being released from the ministry as of that very day.
#2 YWAM part 2
While in the School of Evangelism, I didnt send out letters to try to raise support like others did. I heard from God not to do this. About 2 thirds or so through the school, the director of the school came to me and told me that unless I raised the funds to pay for the school, I was to be sent home. Nothing was raised, so I was indeed sent home. After about 2 weeks or so of being home, someone called and said that my school was paid. So I packed up and went back to school.
#2 US Air Force
Within about 1 month of my permanent duty station, there was an accident where I tore a ligament in my knee. Because of this injury, I was unable to do my work. After 3 years of not being allowed to do anything, I put in for other jobs. I was turned down for every job that I put in for.
#3 US Air Force Part 2
I was given odd jobs to do when they came up. This one odd job was a painting detail. There were 3 of us working the detail. When the Sargent was not there, it was said that I was to be in charge. 1 day he was not there, and being in charge and not having any more work to do for the day, I and the 1 other person left for the day. This was the typical thing that we did when we ran out of work. On this particular day, the boss in charge of the detail came looking for us and to make a long story short, the Sargent of my detail did not back me up. I was charged with abandoning my post.
#4 US Air Force Part 3
As punishment, I was sent to Correctional Custody (CC), where I was terrorized and humiliated by the people on staff there. This greatly enhanced my Avoidant Personality which lead to my hatred of the Air Force, which lead to my discharge.
#5 Church
When we started attending this Church, a Pastor approached me. After some talk she said that the Church had a need for a facilitator in their Helps Ministry. We talked about this a couple more times. After the last meeting, everything went cold. I never heard anything again from this pastor about this ministry.
#6 Restoration Ministries
This was a Church that I attended when I lived in Oregon. There was a ministry there called Restoration. After I went through the school, I went on staff. I worked on the ministry office and took care of their books, advertising, school agenda, etc. One day, a young lady came into the school. After she graduated, she came onto staff. She moved into the office and started working with me. Slowly at first, then she just took over completely and I was told I was no longer needed.
#7 Boise Bible College
I attended this college with the intention of just getting a Bible Certificate. The 1st semester went well. I made a friend right off. She was just the thing I needed to make my college experience bearable. About half way through the semester, her husband had an terrible accident which left him a paraplegic. Since he was the provider for the family, she had no choice but to drop out of school. After she left, I was without anyone to be my friend and support.
#8 Boise Bible College part 2
I wanted to be a help to the college as much as I could. Those of us that lived off base had it doubly tuff because we just didnt seem to get the support that those that lived on campus did. I wanted to start a forum for us off-campus students so we could talk and get help. I was told it was not a bad idea, but was just left hanging. I was never gotten back to from anyone.
#9 Boise Bible College part 3
I also wanted to promote the school. I was contacted about by a company that wanted surveys from students and testimonials for colleges throughout the US. I asked about posting these surveys and soliciting testimonials from students. Again, I was left totally hanging. No one from the college ever got back to me on this project.
#10 Boise Bible College part 4
I have nerve damage (From the Air Force) in my hands making it very difficult to impossible to write legibly. I informed every one of my professors of this problem right at the start of every class I took. No allowances were made for my disability. So when tests came, I was forced to try to write by hand. There were essay questions and fill in the blank questions. The only hope that I had to even come close to being legible was to write very very slowly. The tests were timed. I was unable to complete the tests in time. On answers that I was able to complete, I had to keep my answers shorter than what they needed to be due to the pain in my hands. So as a result, my scores were very bad and some tests I was not able to do at all and was forced to take Failures.
#12 Odd noises?
Another one that I am not sure belongs here, but Im going to put in down anyway. When I was a kid, I would often hear odd noises and see strange things. One time, I even thought that I had a pillow over my head and was being smothered.
#13 Hewlett Packard
I was hired over the phone for this job without even an interview. So this was a odd one, but with a good result at 1st. But after 3 years, I was laid off.
#14 The Apple store
I was hired as the service manager. After a short while at this store, I learned that the owner did not pay either personal or business taxes. Some time later, I was laid off.
#15 The Movie Gallery
I was the store manager. One day, I was sent movies that were soft porn. I refused to rent them and was fired. A couple years later, they went out of business.
#16 Failed Business
My wife and I started up a business. It was a magazine. We were not able to sell enough spots and finally had to file Bankruptcy when the business failed.
Bankruptcy, Foreclosure & Repossession
This was a result of our failed business, but we lost our home, & 2 cars in the bankruptcy.
Then on the flip side of this, there is a positive. I met my wife. We met over the phone when I lived in Texas and she in Idaho. We prayed that if it was God and I was to move to idaho, that God would provide a job. I put a resume on line and was called by a company. I was hired for HP sight unseen and without even an interview. I went to Idaho and got married.
These are just the main ones that I can recall. But I know there are many many more just like this. There have been jobs that I have applied for that I thought I had for sure. One interview would go wonderfully. Then then next would not and would not get hired. This happened again and again and again. Not precisely the same way each time as if not to raise too much suspicion. But odd things that keep leading to the same result.
Every friend I have made in my life, which have been very very few, have left me.
In every single job I have ever had, something has gone wrong. At some point, my position was dissolved, or the company went under or something else odd happened to end my time there. Nothing I have ever tried has succeeded. There have been a few small things here and there, but nothing big or even close to big.
I know that in any life, some rain is going to fall. Bad things happen. Thats just life. But I have had just about nuthing but bad luck all my life. Sure, there have been times of peace throughout my life when things have gone ok or at least nothing bad has happened.
I think if anyone was given a steady dose of all this constantly, they would go crazy or go out and do something dumb.
In all this, I have refused to give up. I still do. I keep plugging along and try to at least get by. But on some days, like today, its just a bit much. If I didnt know better, Id say that I am cursed. Its like this thing that prevents anything really good from happening in my life. I get just enough to get by and our needs are met, but no more. The only really good things in my life have been my God my wife, and my daughter.
I dont blame any of these places above. It was not any of their faults. It was this thing that seems to float over and around me that causes any place I am, any job Im in, any friends I have to not work out, fail and leave me.
Its like that movie Shawshank Redemption. In the movie, Tim Robins was sent to prison for a murder he did not commit. When asked why he was sent to prision, he said that bad luck just floated around looking for someone to land on and it was just his turn.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
These odd patterns have existed all my life. My memory has never been good, so there is a lot that I just dont recall and never have. What are these odd patterns? Its like this carrot that is dangled out in front of me that I can never catch no matter how hard I try. I almost think of myself like Job.
Of course, I cant compare the things I go though to anything even remotely like Job. My needs have always been met. I have a good daughter, a good wife, a good house, a good job and good health. In these departments I can certainly not complain. But its just these odd things in my life that by themselves are not that big of a deal.
Looking at just 1 or 2 of these things in my life, one can just come to the conclusion that this is just how life is. Its often not very fair. I could even go as far as to say that "Life is a bitch and then you die". When this very same pattern continues for and entire life and the same things happen over and over and over again, I have to start taking notice.
I have certainly taken notice of this pattern before. In fact, I have thought on it many times over the course of my life. But thinking and even praying about it seems to do no good at all. I cannot figure out what it is, what I did wrong, or why this is happening.
Perhaps like Job, I didnt do anything at all. I was just an innocent subject of a bet gone wrong.
I guess I need to get back to this pattern and try to describe it or at least give examples of it. Throughout the course of my life, things have just never worked out for me. Or if something does seem like its about to work out, all of the sudden like, its yanked out from under me. And I am left trying to figure out why and what I did wrong.
Such has been my life. Its a puzzle that I have been working on all my life and still I am no closer to figuring it out.
Ok, so I guess its on to some examples of this weirdness. Like I said, by themselves, they would just seem normal or bad luck or whatever you want to call it. But do these sorts of bad luck streaks really last an entire lifetime?
So here are the ones I can remember.
#1 YWAM (Youth With a Mission)
I have no recollection of time frames. Best I can do is estimate this at around 1990 . YWAM is a Christian Missions organization. I worked with them for 3 years. One day I just mentioned casually that I might like to leave the ministry one day to my supervisor. I returned thinking about this, to my desk and work. About 10 minutes later, I was summoned to a meeting with about 10 or so of my peers and as told that I was being released from the ministry as of that very day.
#2 YWAM part 2
While in the School of Evangelism, I didnt send out letters to try to raise support like others did. I heard from God not to do this. About 2 thirds or so through the school, the director of the school came to me and told me that unless I raised the funds to pay for the school, I was to be sent home. Nothing was raised, so I was indeed sent home. After about 2 weeks or so of being home, someone called and said that my school was paid. So I packed up and went back to school.
#2 US Air Force
Within about 1 month of my permanent duty station, there was an accident where I tore a ligament in my knee. Because of this injury, I was unable to do my work. After 3 years of not being allowed to do anything, I put in for other jobs. I was turned down for every job that I put in for.
#3 US Air Force Part 2
I was given odd jobs to do when they came up. This one odd job was a painting detail. There were 3 of us working the detail. When the Sargent was not there, it was said that I was to be in charge. 1 day he was not there, and being in charge and not having any more work to do for the day, I and the 1 other person left for the day. This was the typical thing that we did when we ran out of work. On this particular day, the boss in charge of the detail came looking for us and to make a long story short, the Sargent of my detail did not back me up. I was charged with abandoning my post.
#4 US Air Force Part 3
As punishment, I was sent to Correctional Custody (CC), where I was terrorized and humiliated by the people on staff there. This greatly enhanced my Avoidant Personality which lead to my hatred of the Air Force, which lead to my discharge.
#5 Church
When we started attending this Church, a Pastor approached me. After some talk she said that the Church had a need for a facilitator in their Helps Ministry. We talked about this a couple more times. After the last meeting, everything went cold. I never heard anything again from this pastor about this ministry.
#6 Restoration Ministries
This was a Church that I attended when I lived in Oregon. There was a ministry there called Restoration. After I went through the school, I went on staff. I worked on the ministry office and took care of their books, advertising, school agenda, etc. One day, a young lady came into the school. After she graduated, she came onto staff. She moved into the office and started working with me. Slowly at first, then she just took over completely and I was told I was no longer needed.
#7 Boise Bible College
I attended this college with the intention of just getting a Bible Certificate. The 1st semester went well. I made a friend right off. She was just the thing I needed to make my college experience bearable. About half way through the semester, her husband had an terrible accident which left him a paraplegic. Since he was the provider for the family, she had no choice but to drop out of school. After she left, I was without anyone to be my friend and support.
#8 Boise Bible College part 2
I wanted to be a help to the college as much as I could. Those of us that lived off base had it doubly tuff because we just didnt seem to get the support that those that lived on campus did. I wanted to start a forum for us off-campus students so we could talk and get help. I was told it was not a bad idea, but was just left hanging. I was never gotten back to from anyone.
#9 Boise Bible College part 3
I also wanted to promote the school. I was contacted about by a company that wanted surveys from students and testimonials for colleges throughout the US. I asked about posting these surveys and soliciting testimonials from students. Again, I was left totally hanging. No one from the college ever got back to me on this project.
#10 Boise Bible College part 4
I have nerve damage (From the Air Force) in my hands making it very difficult to impossible to write legibly. I informed every one of my professors of this problem right at the start of every class I took. No allowances were made for my disability. So when tests came, I was forced to try to write by hand. There were essay questions and fill in the blank questions. The only hope that I had to even come close to being legible was to write very very slowly. The tests were timed. I was unable to complete the tests in time. On answers that I was able to complete, I had to keep my answers shorter than what they needed to be due to the pain in my hands. So as a result, my scores were very bad and some tests I was not able to do at all and was forced to take Failures.
#12 Odd noises?
Another one that I am not sure belongs here, but Im going to put in down anyway. When I was a kid, I would often hear odd noises and see strange things. One time, I even thought that I had a pillow over my head and was being smothered.
#13 Hewlett Packard
I was hired over the phone for this job without even an interview. So this was a odd one, but with a good result at 1st. But after 3 years, I was laid off.
#14 The Apple store
I was hired as the service manager. After a short while at this store, I learned that the owner did not pay either personal or business taxes. Some time later, I was laid off.
#15 The Movie Gallery
I was the store manager. One day, I was sent movies that were soft porn. I refused to rent them and was fired. A couple years later, they went out of business.
#16 Failed Business
My wife and I started up a business. It was a magazine. We were not able to sell enough spots and finally had to file Bankruptcy when the business failed.
Bankruptcy, Foreclosure & Repossession
This was a result of our failed business, but we lost our home, & 2 cars in the bankruptcy.
Then on the flip side of this, there is a positive. I met my wife. We met over the phone when I lived in Texas and she in Idaho. We prayed that if it was God and I was to move to idaho, that God would provide a job. I put a resume on line and was called by a company. I was hired for HP sight unseen and without even an interview. I went to Idaho and got married.
These are just the main ones that I can recall. But I know there are many many more just like this. There have been jobs that I have applied for that I thought I had for sure. One interview would go wonderfully. Then then next would not and would not get hired. This happened again and again and again. Not precisely the same way each time as if not to raise too much suspicion. But odd things that keep leading to the same result.
Every friend I have made in my life, which have been very very few, have left me.
In every single job I have ever had, something has gone wrong. At some point, my position was dissolved, or the company went under or something else odd happened to end my time there. Nothing I have ever tried has succeeded. There have been a few small things here and there, but nothing big or even close to big.
I know that in any life, some rain is going to fall. Bad things happen. Thats just life. But I have had just about nuthing but bad luck all my life. Sure, there have been times of peace throughout my life when things have gone ok or at least nothing bad has happened.
I think if anyone was given a steady dose of all this constantly, they would go crazy or go out and do something dumb.
In all this, I have refused to give up. I still do. I keep plugging along and try to at least get by. But on some days, like today, its just a bit much. If I didnt know better, Id say that I am cursed. Its like this thing that prevents anything really good from happening in my life. I get just enough to get by and our needs are met, but no more. The only really good things in my life have been my God my wife, and my daughter.
I dont blame any of these places above. It was not any of their faults. It was this thing that seems to float over and around me that causes any place I am, any job Im in, any friends I have to not work out, fail and leave me.
Its like that movie Shawshank Redemption. In the movie, Tim Robins was sent to prison for a murder he did not commit. When asked why he was sent to prision, he said that bad luck just floated around looking for someone to land on and it was just his turn.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
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