Living in Hell

When I started this blog, it was just for me. I didnt have any intentions of others reading it. But since then, I have gathered a few that follow what I write. My tendency is to be careful what I say because I dont want to offend anyone of just say something dumb.

But then I have to try as best I can to go back to my original intention of the blog, which was to honestly portray my day to day attempt to deal with being an Avoidant. Its hard to do this, at least for me, when I know I have an audience.

Maybe I need to go with that old saying for people that are shy speaking in front of people and picture everyone in their underwear. :)

I will do my best to try to stay honest and honestly portray my feelings and what its really like to be an Avoidant.

This time though, I want to write, or try to write, from a different perspective. The perspective of someone that lives with an Avoidant. Its a difficult challenge since Its not really possible for me to see me through my wifes eyes.

I know she tries hard to deal with it and cuts me a lot of slack. I give her tons of kudos for that.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I dont think I would be able to do it. I think I would have run, not walked, for the nearest exit and not looked back.

Living with an Avoidant must be a bit like living in Hell and trying to put up with satan as a roommate. Avoidants are ruff. Beyond ruff. Especially if they are in the early stages of figuring out how to deal with it.

I think most Avoidants probably dont even know that they are Avoidants. Still more just ignore it and hope it will go away. Still more probably think they are possessed or something like that and just need a good exorcism.

I have to admit that I have felt this way at times. At times, I still do. I feel as though my body and mind is not my own and that someone, or something else is in control of me.

If Im honest, Id say that I still wonder about Avoidantism. Maybe there is some credibility to it being, all or part, a demonic oppression. I do not know.

I know that since I am saved and belong to God, possession by the enemy is not possible. But perhaps oppression is. Oppression means that something hovers around pulling the strings like that commercial where you see that dark rain cloud following around that person no matter where they go.

I still think this is a possibility.

My heart goes out to anyone that is in a relationship with an Avoidant. I have had more than a few people that are attempting this huge feat email me for help.

My main advice to them is patience. Then after you have exhausted your patience, be patient some more. And when that amount of patience is gone, be patient some more.

I know its hard. As this is where being a Christian comes in. This amount of patience is way beyond anything that a normal person can muster,

You will only find this sort of patience and understanding by relying on God.

My wife wrote a bit, well actually more than just a bit, in response to 1 person that emailed me about trying to cope with an Avoidant.

Im going to copy her email here in the hopes that others will benefit from it. Hang on, its rather long.

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Being on the other end of the avoidant personality ride, it's really difficult to put things in words regarding my feelings. When I met my husband, I went into the relationship with blind faith. I knew that he was different, and knew that God wanted me to be with him. I do not feel like I had a choice to say "no, I don't think I'm up to dealing with this for the rest of my life". So, with that being said, I believe that all of us that the Lord asked to stand by a person with Avoidant Personality Disorder, it is for a reason, and we cannot say "no" to God's request. Trust me, it has been a brutal, bumpy ride. Being the spouse of an avoidant, it is probably more difficult than being a friend to one.

Early in our marriage, I found that I was slowly being drawn away from friends and family that were so close to me. My husband always made me feel like now that I was married, I should spend more time with him and less with others. When I would talk to friends or family on the phone, he would get almost mean, or offended that I wasn't paying attention to him. He did this to the point that I isolated myself from everyone.

Lesson #1-Do not allow the behavior of the avoidant cause you to lose your own support system. Isolation is not a good thing! You will definitely need support, but please be careful of who you confide in. Confiding in your family and friends about your spouse should be done with great consideration. I am blessed that my family and the close friends I confided in were those that encouraged me to stay and they would uplift us in prayer. I did have a few friends that encouraged me to leave my husband.

My husband would goof around in church with our daughter and goof around in the grocery store to the point where it seemed he did not care others were around and he was bothering them. I would always get so angry because I thought he had no manners and he was just trying to act up to get attention on himself. It wasn't until the Lord revealed things to me that I clearly understood, then was able to have extreme compassion towards him.

Lesson #2-Avoidants implement coping mechanisms in various forms. Avoidant Personality Disorder is the root from which other phobias stem from...Agoraphobia, Schizophrenia, etc... My husband was terrified of crowded places. He would use our daughter as a focal point to distract and drown out his hurt and discomfort of going to church or anywhere else in public. It is important that you recognize this behavior and not let the Avoidant manipulate others for their gain. Try helping that person (in baby steps) figure out a way to conquer their fears.

Once the Lord revealed things to me about my husband's condition, He also blessed me with the wonderful gift of compassion and empathy. Now, I do not always operate in those gifts, but when I put my "self" aside as we go thru turbulence, and look thru eyes of compassion and empathy, I see this: I see a man that has done soooooooooo good, given the situation he was given. He is a wonderful man, full of love, full of ideas, full of hurt...and someone that needed my love to be able to break thru to healing. 11 years later, I see a man that isn't as hurt as he once was. He is thriving. God is using him. I'm proud of him. I'm blessed that he is my husband. His pain has caused me to be a better person. I know I am more patient, loving, tender because of him.

Lesson #3-You don't have to understand how to fix that person. Just know that if the Lord has put this person in your path, He will be faithful to give you wisdom, understanding and knowledge how to help them. You were chosen to help this person and God never calls you to ministry then fails to give you the tools to accomplish it. Love this person like you have never loved before. 1 Corinthians 13:13 - Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.

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So there you have it right from the horses mouth. My wife is a saint for putting up with me. She is such anyway.

All this to say that its not easy living with an Avoidant. In fact, its probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. But I think its worth it for both the Avoidant and the one that learns to live with the Avoidant. Its not in the easy times that we grow and mature. Its the tuff things in life that God will use to mold you and make you and your spouse into the person of God that you were meant to me.

So dont try to run away from the problem. Dont try to pretend you are not an Avoidant. Or if you are trying to live with an Avoidant, dont try to fix him or her. It will only make things worse. Just try to be understanding, compassionate and patient.

Focus on the good things and try as best you can to forgive the bad. Criticism will kill an Avoidant.

Well, thats enough for now.








This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

Life is like a box of chacolates....

I love the movie Forest Gump. Thats where the title is from. Life does seem to be like a box of Chocolates. You just never know what you are going to get or get handed to you.

I was handed an Avoidant Personality. No idea why really. Though I tend to think now that maybe I was given this disability so I can relate to other Avoidants and maybe even help them.

But I dont like the theology of saying that God purposely made me an Avoidant. That seems like the same thing as the folks that say that God made them an Homosexual.

I think the better theology is that God does not make Homosexuals and he does not make Avoidants.

God can see the future as though it were to present. So to God your future is already written though to us it is not.

Its a bit confusing I know. My becoming an Avoidant was due to living in a corrupt world.

It was probably past down from my Mom, thought she was never diagnosed.

Im pretty sure that she is an Avoidant as well. She just does not know it. In her day, the common thought was to just deal with things.

So God knew that I was going to be an Avoidant and is using it as good.

Its just like Paul. Whatever thorn Paul had was not of God's doing. But God was able to use this thorn in Paul to keep him humble so that Paul would not get proud and think he could do things on his own.

Being an Avoidant is really really hard! Even harder on my poor wife and sometimes even on my daughter. I pray that she does not get it.

But Im thankful that I am an Avoidant. Let me tell you why.

I see so many good people that are good Christians do really good things for God and for his people.

But after a while of seeing all these really good things, the tendency is to start thinking less and less that God did it and more and more that they did it. They become puffed up!

This is very dangerous and leads to a fall. Often when this fall happens, they take lots of people with them.

Since I am an Avoidant, I fear people. Sometimes, I dont like people at all. I fear speaking to large crowds and have a terrible time making friends.

When my Avoidantism (A new word I just invented) is in full blown enforcement, all I want to do is run and hide under a rock somewhere.

But all this means that on my own, I cant do a thing. If I try to do things on my own, its a disaster.

So I must be totally dependent on God. Only God can enable me to go meet people, especially people in authority.

Only God can enable me to speak in front on large crowds. Its only through God that I can do much anything at all.

I know that what I do, I do because of God that lives in me. How anyone that is an Avoidant can survive without God is a complete mystery to me.

So all this to say that Im glad I am an Avoidant. Seems odd to say, but if I can only help one person that is an Avoidant, then my life has been worth it.

We all have no idea what we will be given in life to deal with.

If you are an Avoidant, or have been handed another lousy hand, you have a choice to make. Yes its a choice that is completely up to you!

You can either get angry about, shake your fist at God and ask"why me". Or you can accept it, make the best of it and try to help others that are having a hard time dealing with it.

I choose to do the later. In the words of that somewhat irritating, but right on, saying, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade!"

:)
















This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

I decided today to dump the old font and background and go with something different.

I received a comment that someone did not like what I had. They said it was just too fancy and they had trouble reading it.

Even my wife finally admitted that she didnt like it as it was hard to read.

So since I write my blog in the hopes that it will not only help me, but others, I caved and changed it.

Eventually, I want to write a book about Avoidants from the perceptive of someone that actually is an Avoidant.

I also want to get my wife to write a portion of the book as well. There are a lot of people out there that are trying to live with an Avoidant, but are finding it very difficult.

Maybe if I can write a book with a chapter or so devoted to her perspective as well, it would help those people figure out how to cope with living with an Avoidant.

I am also going to develop a web site just for Avoidants. I have found a few out there. But most are way out of date, or very poorly written and maintained, if its maintained at all.

Then there are those web sites and books that have been written by shrinks and other professionals. These are good, but they are just book learning and from experience in dealing with Avoidants.

There is a world of difference actually being an Avoidant and living as one and just learning about Avoidants in a book.

I have received quite a few emails from people that are Avoidants. They tell me their story and ask if I can be any help. I do the best I can. My wife sometime will respond as well.

Since she lives with an Avoidant, she has a unique perspective that I dont have and will never have. We have been married, so far, for 10 years. We have our ups and downs, but we have managed to not only survive, but thrive.

If you are an Avoidant, live with an Avoidant, or know someone that is an Avoidant, I would love to hear your story. You can email me anytime. I will do my best to listen, not be judgmental, and help if I can.















This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

If you are an Avoidant, live with an Avoidant, or know someone that is an Avoidant, I would love to hear your story. You can email me anytime. I will do my best to listen, not be judgmental, and help if I can

An Avoidant what?

I realized today that some have no clue what being an Avoidant is. I have told some to seek out my blog that have different issues altogether.

Though they may be different, I think a struggle is a struggle is a struggle. We probably all share at least some similarities.

I have written about what an Avoidant is. But its been a while. So I decided to revisit this.

Being an Avoidant means that we avoid relationships because we dont know how to deal with them. Its like a severe form of Social Phobia. Its a hatred of being with people because we have no idea how to deal with people.

But I think at the same time, Avoidants love people. On some level at least. So its a constant battle between the 2 sides. Love and hate all wrapped up together.

This makes life almost intolerable.

Most, if not all, Avoidants have considered or attempted suicide at one time or another in their lives. Some have no doubt succeeded.

But like most people that are suicidal, its usually a cry for help.

Avoidants lack social graces that other people just know and take for granted.

My wife has to remind me to shake peoples hands, and say hello to them. I dont know how to start and end conversations. I have learned some over time, but its a process that may not be done within my lifetime.

I think the reason for this is because we shield ourselves so much from people, we just dont have the opportunity to learn this simple things that others do when they are young.

Avoidants tend to be loners and introverts. Or they become this very quickly due to not be able to function in social groups.

Avoidants will have a very difficult time in relationships. Many will probably wind up in abusive relationships due to the fact that we feel we dont deserve any better.

Well, I could go on and on, but I think that is enough for now.







This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

I received a comment today on a posting I wrote a long time ago. The posting was on a hypnosis session that was done to me about 30 or so years ago. At the time I had the session, I was young, foolish and did not understand the implications of what I was doing.

I am not in favor on Hypnosis. I think its very dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

I decided not to allow this comment that is in favor of Hypnosis because its in direct conflict with both logic and the Bible.

I believe that Hypnotherapy is very dangerous. I believe that no Christian should go under this mental knife. Many years ago, this was the mainstream thought in the Christian community. Now things have changed. Many deceived Christians now say that its ok. Its not really surprising. There are a lot of things that were once forbidden in our Churches that some have now decided are fine.

One example. We even have so-called Churches now that allow gay marriage.

But just because some have changed their minds, does not make these things right.

The mind is very powerful. God spoke the world into existence with only his words. These words came from his heart and mind. In us, the mind is also the brain. The heart, mind, and soul is who we truly are. The brain controls the entire body.

To mess with these controls is very dangerous. We know very little about the brain and its abilities. To mess with something that we know very little about is just plain crazy.

It would be like me trying to perform surgery. I know computers. I know nothing about the brain or surgery. So for me to perform surgery on a brain is ludicrous. But yet, this is what we are doing when we allow someone to work on our brain.

We are giving this Hypnotherapist control over our very being.

We are allowing someone, that knows very little about how the brain really functions, to come in and make adjustments to it.

This would be like asking a customer service person to do brain surgery on you. It makes no sense at all to allow it.

This is the logical side of my argument. What about from a Biblical stance?

Well, the Bible does not specifically address Hypnotherapy, but that does not mean that its ok. Some think that just because a thing is not mentioned by name in the Bible, its ok to do.

I find this argument to be extremely silly. I hear it all the time. 'The bible does not address Gays, Homosexuals, Hypnosis, etc.. by name, so it must be ok, right?"

This is a really poor argument. Up until about 50 years ago, or so, the word Gay simply meant someone that was happy. We changed the meaning of it.

The word Homosexual was invented in the 1800's. Since these terms were not invented yet, how can we possibly expect God to have used these terms in the bible?

Hypnotherapy, at least by that name, was also unknown in Jesus day.

In order for God to say that certain things were wrong, to an audience that knew little to nothing about such sins yet, he would need to talk about them in more general terms.

Hypnosis involves the transfer of control away from ourselves to another person.
Galatians 5:22-23

We are to give over the control of our mind only to God.
Romans 6:12-13

Hypnotism is often promoted as a simple way of “refocusing” ourselves and finding the answer within us. As believers in Christ, our focus is to be on our Savior, not on ourselves or anything else.
Hebrews 12:2, Romans 7:18, Romans 8:2

Many of the techniques used in hypnosis are shared by mystical, philosophical, and religious systems, including the occult. The “father of hypnotism,” Franz Anton Mesmer—from whose name we get the word mesmerize—was himself a practitioner of the occult.
Deuteronomy 18:9-12 tells us that we can not have anything to do with the occult.

So I think the Bible is all too clear, as does logic tell us, that we should have nothing to do with Hypnosis.











This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

How to be defective and live with a defective

I have received several emails lately asking me for help. They have all been from people that are in some sort of relationship with a partner that is an Avoidant. In some cases, they are not sure, but suspect that their partner is an Avoidant.

My heart goes out to anyone that lives with, or is in a relationship, with an Avoidant. I wont blow smoke up your you know where. Its ruff putting up with an Avoidant. I takes the patience of Job and the understanding and wisdom of Solomon. I have been married for 10 years now.

I try to tell my poor wife as often as I can that I love her and appreciate her. When I am in full blown Avoidant mode, I am impossible to live with. I am a Christian and used to be a Youth Pastor. I love God, pray, read and talk to him daily. But even with all this on my side, its still not easy.

I cant even imagine how anyone could possible cope with being an Avoidant and not be a Christian. Just being normal is hard enough without God. But being an Avoidant takes this to a whole new level.

I really have no idea how my wife and I have made it this far. Other than to say that it has to have been God. We have been on the brink of divorce many many times. We still have our bad days. I tell people that being an Avoidant is like a form of Schizophrenia. Its like a computer that was given 2 conflicting sets of instructions. Like in the movie 2001 a Space Odyssey.

I think if someone wants a glimpse of what being an Avoidant is like, Id have them watch this movie. In the movie, the on-board computer is called Hal. Hal has a directive to always tell the truth no matter what. But in secret, he was given orders to lie to the crew about the tru nature of the mission.

These orders are diametrically opposed to each other. Hal cannot complete either order. So the result is that he goes nuts. This is what Avoidants deal with each and every day. We want to love and be loved. We want to be accepted by others. We want to have friends and relationships.

But the Avoidant part of us gives us another set of orders. These orders say that we hate people. People are the enemy. Everyone is better than us so we need to shun them all. We cannot be loved because we dont deserve it. We deserve to live alone and be unhappy.

These 2 sets of orders are always fighting against each other driving us nuts.

To live with an Avoidant takes extreme patience, extreme understanding and extreme patience. Did I mention patience? When you have come to the end of your patience, be patient some more. And when you have gotten to the end of that, be patent some more. And when the end of that comes, be patient some more.

Its a tuff life that I would not recommend to the faint of heart. But there is hope! There is always hope. If you love that person, stick with them. It will take time, but they will come around. I think that once you get through the muck and mire of being with an Avoidant, there are very good things on the other side. Avoidants have the capability of making excellent mates because once you get through, your in.

Avoidants, perhaps more than just about any other personality type, will be there through thick and then. Fiercely loyal and protective to a fault. We love deeply. You just have to get through all the ruff exterior.









This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

Im an Avoidant, your an Avoidant, wouldnt you like to be an Avoidant to?

Someone left a comment about my blog. Their comment was the they were surprised that any Avoidant could have a wife. Or even a girlfriend. What follows is both my response to their comment and a new post to all Avoidants out there.

I have had comments from Avoidants all over the world. I have actually been very surprised at the over seas Avoidants out there. Not sure why I thought that this was an American problem. Well, I guess its not. There are Avoidants everywhere.

What I wonder though is if the medical profession in other parts of the world is able to diagnose effectively, or as often, people as Avoidants.

Of course, that begs the question of how many people in the US, and the world, struggle with these things, but have never had the benefit of knowing why they are the way that they are. Knowing the problem is a huge help.

Its like being an alcoholic. Admitting you are one is half the battle.
"Know Thyself"

When I was younger, I dont know. I have never had a good memory. I dont really remember much from when I was younger. Very little and very sketchy.

It is a huge challenge to maintain a healthy relationship. Its often beyond a challenge. But anything that is really worth it is going to take some work. In some cases, lots and lots of work!

I guess the 1st thing Id say is that no Avoidant should accept the labels of the world or what they say that we can and cannot do.

This is the #1 suggestion that I have for any Avoidant, and anyone else for that matter. Be careful who you listen to. There will be lots of people that will tell us what we cannot do. Dont listen!

When I was diagnosed as an Avoidant, I was told that I would never even have a girlfriend, much less a wife. Well, Im here to tell you that the shrink that diagnosed me was wrong!

I am married and very happily so. That does not mean that its not difficult, but its good just the same. Normal marriage, with all its challenges is hard enough. But throw on top of that someone with an Avoidant personality, who thinks everyone, including his wife is always out to get him, and everyone is better than him, and is soo hurt that everything that she says and thinks and does is an attack and well...you get the idea.

Its beyond a challenge for my poor wife that deserves a big medal and the wife of the year award. But one thing that made the difference is that I gave her a book called "Please Understand Me". She read about me and my personality. It was very tuff on her at first, but eventually she got it. All the credit really goes to God though. God just made me click in her mind and heart.

That does not mean that she always gets it and always understands, but it means that he is a lot more understanding that most of of your other average people.

If I had accepted (Believed) the curse (What she told me that I could not do) that my shrink tried to put on me, I would have never even tried to find a girlfriend or wife.

For me, salvation came largely in the form of writing. I write down my thoughts, my prayers, my ideas. A lot of therapy came from writing. I also get therapy from helping others. I serve in my local Church and am the leader for a helps ministry there.

Its said that the best way to get your mind off your own troubles is to help others with theirs. I started a blog in the hopes that I could help in some way others that were Avoidants and needed to be understood. Soon, I hope to write a book and maybe more.

As for drugs, I did go to the VA to try an anti-depressant once. It had a side effect that they did not tell me about. I got vertigo so bad, that I thought I was going to die and had to go to the ER.

The ironic thing is that they all have side effects. Most anti-depressants can make you even more depressed. They can also give you thoughts of suicide. Been there too. I thought of it before and even tried it. Now I cant even tell you what my thinking was or why I wanted to do that. Its a foreign thought to me now.

Sure, I get depressed sometimes, but I would never end things for several reasons. First, I could never willingly leave my daughter and my wife. Next, I am too smart for that. What good would it do to end things? Not one good thing would come of it. And depending on your theology, you might end up in Hell. Definitely not a good thing.

I never went back to anti-depressants. Drugs do have their place as do medical professionals. But Id take them with a huge grain of salt when it comes to being an Avoidant.

Few, if any Shrinks, know what it is to be an Avoidant. They have the book learning, but that is totally different than actually living as one.

I have thought about writing a book one day on being an Avoidant and also from the perspective of a spouse that lives with an Avoidant. One day, I will do this.

Best advice is to Never Give up. Things always get better eventually. It might take a while, but the light always comes just after the darkness.

"Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.''
Winston Churchhill

Dont listen to the well-meaning, but often wrong things, that others will tell you. Often those closest to us will be the most negative and tell us what we cant do.

If you are looking for a girlfriend or wife, the best thing to do is to stop looking. If you are a Christian, pray and ask God. When you stop looking, it will happen.

It will take a special person to put up with an Avoidant. It did for me. I think any Avoidant that is married, or in a relationship, will tell you the same thing. Be up front with her and tell her about yourself and your Avoidant. Maybe not right off the batt. I dont know about that one for sure. Thats a tuff call.

If my wife had known what she was getting herself into, Im not sure she would have signed on the dotted line, If I was in her shoes, I would not have!

But thank God that she did. She is the best thing that ever happened to me apart from God and my 8 year old daughter. Without the women in my life, I am not sure where I would be, Or even if I would be.

I owe my wife and daughter a huge debt that I can never repay. Sounds like God doesnt it? Well, they are not God, but they certainly are a gift from God. A gift that I often take for granted and dont appreciate like I should. But I would not be who I am today without them!

In the end, Id say to hang on. Every Avoidant struggles with these things. Its not an easy life to live with this. But it can be overcome. I am working mine out. Its has been a long struggle, but its been a good and worthwhile one. God is a huge help. Best suggestion is to find him and let him help.

If any Avoidant out there needs help, a kind word, understanding, or anything else, I am here. I will do the best I can. Just email me.



This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.