Tomorrow is Sunday the 9th of January 2016. We will be having a group meeting for Avoidants and those that have similar disorders like Depression, Social Anxiety etc. The class will start at 4pm and run until 4:30pm.

Provided there is enough interest, we will consider expanding the time later on. Right now, we are planning on doing this just once a month, but we are open to changing that too depending on interest.

This class will be a private class and my invite only. So if you are interested in joining the class, please go to http://www.meetup.com/Meridian-Avoidant-Personality-Disorder-Meetup/ and register for the class.



This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

You have a choice to make. Stay an AvPD, or work to get out of it

Tomorrow is supposed to be the meeting, but again I see that they is only 1 person signed up for this. I do not understand, but at the same time, I do understand. I know going to a meeting is hard. Trust me, I get it.

But if you have AvPD and you expect to ever get any help with it, you have to reach out for that help. This is something in life that goes beyond just AvPD. Its a lesson for Christians, Non-Chritians and everyone. ok, maybe 2 lessons

In life, you make time for what is important to you. If you need a job, you have to get up off the sofa and get out there and look for that job. Put in apps, go on interviews and such.

If you are a Christian, pray for sure, but God is not going to send someone to knock on your door and say; Good evening Bob, I have your job. Just show up to work on Monday"

If you want something in life, or out of life, you have to go get it. Going to God in prayer is just the 1st step. Faith without works is a dead and useless faith.

This lesson stands true for everyone. If you really want something, and its important to you, you need to figure out a way to get it and make it happen.

So if you have Avoidance and want to get out of it, you have to work on it. God is not going to wave his magic wand and presto chango, you are no longer have Avoidance. He can do this, but more often than not, will not.

The reason is simple. God wants relationship with you and me and the way to foster that relationship and get you and me to grow is not to do everything for us.

God wants to help you get through Avoidance, but doing so is going to require work on your part. Coming to a meeting like this might just be part of that work that you have to do.

If you dont try, you might well be stuck in your Avoidance. I hate to be blunt, but yet I have to.

Its not because I just want you all to come to my class. I dont get any financial benefit or anything out of this. I hold these classes and do all this because I have Avoidance as well. I have prayed and fought long and hard to get healing from this. I have been married for 11 years now and struggled most of that. I have been on the verge of divorce many many times.

In fact we were done just a few short months ago. My wife asked for a divorce and she had her foot out the door. It was only the grace of God and lots of work that saved our marriage.

Since I went through all of this, I now want to help others that are still stuck with AvPD get some healing in their lives. This is why I do what I do. In addition to the class, I am also working on a web site that I hope to have up soon for those with AvPD. I will announce it here when it is done.

So, what will it be? You all have to make a choice. You can choose to wallow in self pity and your Avoidance, or you can choose to work on it and find a way out. Its up to you!

Choose this day what you will do with your life.

Phillip Dacus









This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

Having Avoidance is not the end

It has been a while since I have written in my blog. My apologies everyone and those that might not follow me, but yet read this. For anyone that has not been following a brief summary. I have struggled with Avoidance for a long long time. Probbaly since birth, though like most others, there was an event that seemed to trigger it at least exacerbate it.

I was in the Air Force many years back and was put in something called Correctional Custody. This is sort of like jail, but in my opinion, way worse. I was humiliated by staff that did a full body search, I was backed into a wall while 4 senior staff of the facility yelled an inch from my ear that I was worthless and would never amount to anything.

I want go into much more as that is how bad it was. The summary was that the Air Force did everything it could to tear me down and make be believe I was worthless. The military did this as part of their process of then building you back up. What the Air Force did not realize is that they were inflicting irreparable damage to an already fragile and torn up self esteem and personality. To this day, I carry around this feeling that I cant do anything right and I cannot achieve anything.

I have been fighting with the VA to get this recognized and get disability on this for over 30 years now.

Ok, that was the bad news, but now for the good news. There is always hope. These things can be overcome. Is it hard? You bet it is. The thing I hear the most is that I should just get over it. Well, I am here to say that its just not that easy.

On my own, I think this would be completely impossible, but all things are possible with God. What the world did to mess me up, God intended to fix. Now I wont say that I am 100%. Perhaps I will be 100% healed some day, but I am not there yet.

What i can say and give you in my story. The whole story is very very long, so its best to summarize. The 12 years since I have been married have been a mess. I was not very nice to my wife. I never hit her, but I was verbally abusive. I did things that I am ashamed of.

Why my wife stuck with me I will never know. This year my wife asked for a divorce. I guess she had finally had enough. We drew up the papers and she was ready to go. She checked out completely. I dont blame her and almost let her go. Things had gotten so bad that even my daughter wanted us to get a divorce. We fought all the time, and my daughter was in the middle. She hated the fighting and was being beaten up by it inside. She had turned unhappy, she saw horrible things in her dreams, she wanted to always sleep right by us because she was afraid we would not be there when she woke up, and was just plain not the happy girl she once was.

But just then God showed up in my life and in my marriage. I told my wife just how much I cared and I changed.

I did not just tell her that I would change, but I actually did. All of the sudden, things changed in me too. I was ready now to be the husband and father that I was supposed to be. Its been about 2 months now. We dont fight anymore. Oh sure, we have the occasional disagreement, but its night and day compared to what it was like.

We are happy now. I tell my wife daily how much I love her and need her. My daughter is happy now, sleeps in her own bed and has joy returning to her life. I wont say that avoidance is gone, but its close. I am going to continue writing my book on Avoidance, I am going to be starting up a class on this soon in the hope to help others in their journey with this.

Even my wife is on board with this and wants to help. There is many Normals that are struggling to live with those that have Avoidance that need help. We want to be there and help others to walk out of this with hope. The class will be held online. Its coming up September 13th. Here is the sign up for it.

http://www.meetup.com/Meridian-Avoidant-Personality-Disorder-Meetup/

Phillip










This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

Thank you sir can I have another...

The tittle of the blog today is; "Thank you sir can I have another".

If you have ever seen old movies of kids in school, back when teachers were allowed to spank kids, you would see this kid bent over the teachers desk and the teacher with this big wooden board. The kid refused to give in to the teacher with cries of pain when he or she was spanked. So each time the teacher spanked the child, they would say; "Thank you Sir, may I have another?"

This is how I feel my life so far this year has been.

It has been a very hard year for me and my family. I will try to sum up without getting you and me too down. My wife had an issue in January. It was perforated Diverticulitis. basically it was a whole in her colon. She was in an out of the hospital for a few months.

Finally in April the doctors gave up on it closing on its own and she had surgery. She recovered, but we did not. My wife, just a couple weeks ago, asked for a divorce. it is pretty hard to say how much of this was due to the Avoidant and how much was due to other things. We dont get along. We never have. We have had spurts of peace, but mostly we fight. Little things mostly, which is not a good sign. When you fight all the time over little piddly things, what would happen if something really big came along?

The fighting was taking a huge toll on our little girl. At some point, we had to decide what was the kindest, most loving thing to do. I know it sounds weird, but in the end, it is best to the sake of us all. We are separated now, but still under the same roof. We decided that this was the best solution too. At least for now.

This way, our daughter can be with us both. The good part is that we are all still friends. Well, enough of that. I also lost my job after 8 years. So as of Friday, I am unemployed. Its been quite a year like I said. But I think its best. Not the loosing my job part.

My mission has always been to let people know about AvPD and try to help them. To try to unite a very tuff group to unite. To that end, I started a group on this place called MeetUps.



I love these meet ups and I am working on making a few of them. Hiking and Biking mostly. I also started this meet up for Avoidants. My wife (Or whatever I should be calling her these days) says its an axi-moron. In case you dont get that, the group is all about meeting people and Avoidants hate meeting people.

Anyway, if anyone reading this is interested in joining the group, please do so. Given the nature of Avoidants, I will probably try to arrange a virtual meeting of some sort. Maybe a chat room or something like that. In the meantime, its all good. I am excited about the future. Its scary, but change often is when we dont know what to expect.

I hate the idea of being alone, so I am grateful for this time that my (wife, Ex, whatever) is staying under the same roof as me. We are in separate bedrooms in case anyone is wondering. Well, I cant write too much more right now. I need to go.



As my life turns
Phillip




This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

I need suggestions for my daughter who has Avoidance at 11 yeard old

I should start by saying that I have Avoidance. My mom and brother also probably have Avoidance. My daughter also has Avoidance. She is 11. I am 54, so I am not sure what Avoidance looked like at this age.

All her symptoms seem to fit with Avoidance. But there are differences that I am not sure about. I also notice things in her that are scaring me.

She thinks she is stupid. She thinks she cant do anything right. She thinks that life is not worth living.

She think she has to be perfect. A lot of this is coming from, or at least playing out, in school. Right now, she goes to public school. She has a friend there her age. But this friend calls her stupid. This person calls her a jerk.

This friend is very jealous and if my daughter tries to be with any of her other friends, this person will throw a fit and its my daughter that somehow gets in trouble because of it.

Other kids in the school think its my daughters fault and she must have been the one to make the other girl angry.

In true Avoidant fashion, my daughter is trying to make everyone happy and cannot. She takes the weight of everyone's problems on her and its hurting her.

I fear that as she becomes a teenager, its just going to get worse. We are planning on putting her into a private school. Our daughter is looking forward to the private school in the hopes that the fresh start with new friend will help.

I am at a loss to know how to help my daughter. My way of dealing with kids at her age was to avoid them all together. I was a loner in school and had no friends.

Anyone have any suggestions or ideas?







This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

The Flower Bulb Incident

My wife and I went to Walmart recently. While we were there, we saw some bulbs. Its planting time and I wanted to get some nice flowers for our front yard. I had been priming the pump with my wife for a few weeks, so this seemed like the right time.

I picked up some bulbs and showed them to my wife. My wife asked me how I was going to plant them. Now I know that my wife knows how to plant bulbs. So in my head, the only conclusion I could come to is that she did not want to plant bulbs.

My wife seemed to be making excuses as to why we should not get bulbs. So in my best logical manner, I told her how to plant. Do you ever have those times in your life that you just want to erase? You do it, but as soon as you do, you know its wrong and is going to be a huge mess.

But you have already done it. Its too late. its out there. The poop as hit the fan. Now its just a matter of time before the fan blades shred up all that poop and blow it back into your face. Its like watching the worst version of yourself play out. All the while you are powerless to do anything.

Its a bit like a bad movie. You go into this movie knowing its bad. But as bad as you know it is, you continue to sit there with your eyes fixed. You are frozen and cat move. Well, in Walmart, I left like that.

I knew what I was doing was going to blow back into my face. I knew I was creating a huge mess that was going to be very hard to recover from, if we could recover at all. But knowing that did not change a thing. The 2 trains (My wife and I) were coming head on at each other, we were going to wreck and it was not going to be pretty.

So here I went. Choo Choo!

"I would move back the rocks, I would take something sharp, poke through the weed barrier, dig into the ground a few inches, put in the bulb, put dirt in the hole, and then cover it back with rocks."

Of course now I can see my mistake. My wife felt as it I was calling her stupid. I was explaining to her how to plant bulbs, which she had surely done a thousand times. Plus I raised my voice because I did not seem to be getting through.

To make matters worse, we were in WalMart, where there were lots of people. So she felt like I was scolding her in front of all these people like she was 5.

But this was exactly what my wife was doing to me. I had planted flowers many times and it really irritated me that I had to explain it to her. Especially when I knew that she knew this as well. So she had to have some sort of ulterior motive to all this.

If this was not bad enough, our daughter was with is and heard everything. I can only imagine what this was doing to her. No wonder she hates sleeping alone and wont let either of us out of her sight.

It was one of the worst nights of our marital lives. I am still trying to figure out how we could have avoided it. We have recovered. But it was not easy.













This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

Does being a Christian mean that the Avoidant goes away?

I love having Avoidance.

Hmm.. maybe I should explain that a bit. I hate that I have this Avoidant problem. I hate that the Avoidant wins so often while the Normal has to take a back seat and watch. But I love that I get to help others that suffer from this. Weather that suffering comes from being the Avoidant, or from being in a relationship with the Avoidant.

For me, having Avoidance is a bit like having multiple personalities.

Some days its the Avoidant that is in charge. Some days, the normal wins the day. When the Avoidant is running things, the Normal has to sit in his corner and watch, like a boy in school that did bad and was sent to stand in the corner.

The one that does not have the dominance that day is subservient to the other or in some cases like the other was non-existent. Its like watching a movie. The normal is off in space somewhere watching the Avoidant live out there lives, or that day or week or however long it is that the Avoidant dominates.

An example would be those stories we have all heard of near death experiences. These people see themselves on an operating table while doctors work to revive them. All the while they are hovering over themselves. They can hear and see what is going on, but cannot do anything to interfere or say; Here I am".

The Normal is powerless to do anything but watch. This was not what I was going to say, but its where I started at. I will go into more detail on another blog and add that to the book.

I got another email from someone that, as always remains nameless. Just like that old TV show Dragnet, the names have been changes to protect the innocent. Their story rang very very true for me. Except for a few details, its the same story that my wife would tell. In fact, its the same story that every Avoidant out there, or the person that is in the relationship with the Avoidant, will tell you.

Being an Avoidant is short means, that you Avoid. Thats why I am calling the name of my book; Avoiding Life. We dont try to Avoid, but just dont have a choice.

I have been married now for 11 years. My family is all back in Texas. Why is a long long story that I wont go into here.

The cliff notes version and summary is that I came here to get married. I was very happy though to leave Texas. My family is not close at all. They all live their separate lives and only get together when they have to like Christmas. My mom has the Avoidant. She has never been diagnosed officially, and its highly doubtful that she will be.

One of my brothers also suffers from Avoidance, but again, has not been diagnosed. It would take a miracle to get him into seeing a doctor about it. Issues like this run throughout my family Im sure.

When I got married here in Idaho, that all changed. Well sort of. My wife's family is close. They do as much as they can together. The only reason we dont do more with them is because we live in Boise, which is about 100 miles from them.

I think God must have laughed his you-know-what off when he got me married into a family that is like night and day from my own. And yes, God does has a sense of humor.

I have tried very hard to get along with my wife's family. But as hard as I try, it just does not quite work. Of course, Im not exactly the socialite with any company. It depends on the day and time. I hate anyone coming over when I just get off work. This is the worst possible time for company. Though its a lot better now that I work from home.

I remember when I did have a job away from the house. I often had pretty stressful jobs that required a lot of mental capacity. I would come home and want to do nothing but watch TV and try to recoup. I did not want to talk to anyone, especially company. If there were people that came over, I would go off and hide somewhere. Perhaps pretend I had work to do, or an important show to watch. Anything to get away from people!

It was like people were Nazis or some other mortal enemy. I had to get away from them anyway that I could. As I said, its better now that I work from home and I have found some healing, but its still there. It seems that after work is usually the very time my wife's family chooses to visit.

These days, I do my best to put on a smile, sit in the living room with them and even muster up some mild conversation. But when the Avoidant is in charge, it takes everything in me to fight this battle. I have tried to get my wife to understand. And she does the best she can. She has come a long way in the understanding department.

What Normals have to understand though its that we cant just get over it. I hear this all the time. It makes no sense and its not logical. Therefore, the Avoidant should be able to just Get over It, or quit being that way. I hear this one from my wife a lot as well. Why are you being that way? Why cant you just be normal?

LOL. If the Avoidant could be normal. they would not be an Avoidant. That defies logic.

My wifes family is made up, of course of all normals. They have no clue what the Avoidant deals with. I even tried once to print out a description of Avoidants. Boy, was that a mistake. It only made them more confused and afraid of me.

I used to have a more detailed write up of an Avoidant, but it looks like that web site is no more. I much as I hate to say this, in a relationship between a normal and as Avoidant, its the normal that has the bulk of the burden. Weather the relationship works or does not work is largely going to depend in them.

Avoidance does not make any sense. Its not logical. For a Normal to be able to understand Avoidance, requires a lot of empathy and understanding. The Normal has to be able to understand what even the Avoidant cannot understand. It requires something outside our understanding. This is why I said its critical to know God and be a Christian. God is the only one that can give the Normal this revelation.

So if anyone needs to just Get Over it, its the Normal that has to do this. They have to be able to get over their thought process that we should all be like them and that we can change. Of course with the help of God, we can change, but it takes time. Lots of time.

This brings me to the next issue. The misconception that once an Avoidant becomes a Christian, that the Avoidant problems just go away. God can do this, but more often than not, does not. For example, when someone that smokes because a Christian, they become a Christian that smokes.

If someone that drinks becomes a Christian, they become a Christian that drinks. If someone watches porn, they become a Christian that watches porn. If an Avoidant, a Christian that is also Avoidant. Someone that is overweight becomes a Christian that is overweight. And so on and so on. Becoming a Chrisitian does not mean that God waives his magic wand and presto chango, you no longer have any issues.

It just does not work that way. Now, God can do these things if he chooses, but the norm is that we have to do the work to get out of these things. And as I have said a million times, for the Avoidant, this change and healing often takes place by baby steps. And just because it takes time, which in the case of the Avoidant is a lot of time, this does not make it any less of a healing and a miracle.

So, lots and lots to digest I know. In summary, to be in a good healthy relationship with an Avoidant, A huge part of the responsibility lies on the Normal, not the Avoidant! Its the normal that is going to feel the brunt of this. Is it fair? No, its not. But this is the deal. Being in a relationship with an Avoidant is not easy.

But if it was easy, everyone wold be doing it!

Go with God but go Without Avoidance










This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.