Home Alone

Ive lost track of which week Im on, so Im dropping that. I was laid off from my work of 2 years. I worked as a priviate contractor for a company that teaches people how to trade in the stock market. Ive felt this coming for quite a while, but I held out hope that I would be spared the carnage. Well, last week the layoffs finally found me.

Im very grateful that I lasted as long as I did. Lots and lots of people were laid off.  It might have been for the best that I got laid off. Tech support is very stressful. Working while there were many around me getting laid off was even more stressful. I never knew from 1 day to the next if I would still have a job. There were several other factors as well that added up to a very high stress level for me. I needed a rest. Its not good for the family budget, but there are more important things that money, right?

The 1st week was pretty good. I worked on my computer catching up on work Ive been needing to get done. So, no problems the 1st week. Now, its the 2nd week of the layoff and depression is trying to set in. I think this is normal really for a man. After all, God says that if we dont work, we dont eat. God created man to be the provider. When we are not working and providing for our family, we dont feel like we are doing what we are supposed to.

Depression on some level should effect any man that got laid off. But, for an avoidant, its even worse. I not only get hit with the feeling that Im not providing for my family, but also that my employer rejected me. It would be easy to just lay around on the couch and watch TV. Im trying to avoid that trap and keep myself busy.

Last week, I kept the car and took my wife to work. This worked out Ok, but my wife sometimes needs the car, so that she can run errands for her boss. So, this week, my wife took the car and Im home alone. My daughter is now riding the bus to school. This was her 1st day. She was excited to ride the bus, but  not sure how long that will last.

Its my job to keep my daughter safe. Though it may or may not be rational, I dont feel that the bus is entirely safe. Having to let my daughter ride the bus only adds to my sence of failure. So, Ive failed in supporting my family, Ive failed in protecting my familiy. Ive failed to find and keep a job. Lets face it, Ive just plain failed.

This is how I feel anyway, when Im being honest. My former emlpoyer says that conditions will improve and they may be able to call me back come June. I should probably treat this time off like a long vacation and trust God that they will call me back in June. Or he will work something else out instead. But trust comes very hard for me. I want to trust others and God. But as my daughterr say; Its a hard time.

So for now, Im stuck home alone trying to cope as best I can.



This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Week 5 - Descision from the VA

Well, its been 20+ years since I started with this disability claim. Today, I received the final determination. Are you kiddintg me? After all this time, the VA contacted me saying that they messed up and was re-opening my case. So the VA got my hopes up that after 20+ years of this, they would finally do the right thing. The VA had me go down to their Hospital here in Boise and be evaluated on 2 different occasions. I spent some 6 hours of my life at the VA hospital for this evaluation. I even had to take time off from work for it, that I could not afford.

Now, the very instrument of my Avoidant Personality Disorder has risen back up to torment me yet again. They have dinied me again!!!!!

What do I do fron here? I really dont know. Im tempted to just drop it, again. But I dropped it before and the VA is the one that brought it back up.

Some good has come out of this. This blog as been a God send. Its helped me identify areas where I need help and its helped me identify triggers of the disorder. I think its helped my wife as well. She reads my blog as well and hopefully can understand a bit more about the disorder and how it effects me.

Maybe it will even help others as well. I plan on continuing to write in this blog. Perhaps for the rest of my life. I dont know. But I have to belive that God is in control in all this.





This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Disconnecting - Week 5

Ya know, this blog has been great for me so far. At least now I can identify where problems are. I’ve still no clue how to fix or head off at the pass, but at least I have identified them. It’s like they say in Alcoholics Anonymous and other things like that. The 1st step is admitting it’s a problem. I took the 1st step already and perhaps even went over board. Not only did I admit it, but admitted it to the world.

I was talking to my wife last night and suddenly the lights came on. I have always known that this happened, but I could never explain it. Well, now I can.

When I am emotionally threatened, or perceive a potential threat, I disconnect. This threat can be a fight, someone yelling or mad at me. It can even be a threatening posture or perhaps even the smell in the air. Not sure as I often can intuit things that others cannot. But Im getting off the subject. The point I am trying to make is that there are many things that can cause me to disconnect. Even a bad day. I don’t think I even know all my triggers, but I know now that they are there.

The main thing I know is what happens. It’s like my mind disconnects from my emotions. It might even be a disconnect from my Spirit. With all the things that I went through in getting hurt, especially in my Air Force days, I tend to think it’s my emotions that disconnect. After all, if my emotions are not present, I can’t get hurt, right?

When I was in the Air Force, in Correctional Custody, I had 4 sergeants within an inch or so of my ears that yelled at the top of their lungs that I was worthless, never would amount to anything, and other such niceties. The pain from their yelling and insults was so bad, that I broke, cried and blubbered all over the place. What they said became ingrained in me and I cannot get it out.

If I was to trouble shoot myself, I would say that at that point, the pain was so unbearable that my emotions, and perhaps Spirit, detached from my brain/body in order to prevent massive damage. Now whenever I’m faced with anything even close to this, I disconnect. That way, the pain, or potential pain, cannot hurt me.

The problem is that I have no control over this. I can’t control when it might happen. It seems to be just as involuntary as breathing or my heart beating. It’s a defense mechanism which sometimes I’m very thankful for. I have been hurt a lot on my life. The Air Force is a huge example of this and probably the most devastating and what triggered it and made it permanent.

When I disconnect, I have no control. I cannot get back in any way, shape or form. It’s almost like a movie that I’m watching of myself. I can no more control things that I can manipulate a movie. I try very hard. Especially when it’s a situation like a fight with my wife. I want desperately to make up, but I have to wait. Eventually, I reconnect.
My poor wife though has to put up with this. Shinks I don’t care, or want to make up. The reality is that I desperately do care and want to make up. It’s just that I seem to have no choice but to wait to be reconnected. I’m hopeful that through all this writing, I will find a way to heal. I’m just not sure how right now. Since this blog was all God’s idea, Im hopeful it will help






This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Impromptu visit to car dealer (Week4)

My brain has gone blank with regards to Threat Assessment Ratings, so I will have to put that on the back burner for now. What I need to write today is about something different, yet not so much.

Yesterday was Friday. My wife had been working all day and so had I. She called me on my cell and wanted to know if she should continue without me or drop by the house and pick me up. I said sure; Id love for her to come get me so that we could spend a little time together that evening.

So my wife came home and we went out together. She said she had a few places she wanted to go and I was happy to be with her for a while.

We were driving along when my wife said that there was an Explorer that she wanted to look at. It was at a car dealership!

Now anyone that has Avoidant Personality Disorder knows that being impromptu is one of the scariest situations that we face. When I am expected to go into a social situation, I need as much advanced notice as possible. It’s like preparing for a music recital or that dreaded English test in school. I have to prepare myself to be able to tackle the social graces that are required. I have to mentally prepare myself to know what to say, how to say it, when to say it, and the unknown.

And add to the possibility of having to deal with a Used Car Salesman.! This is he worst of the worst. Used Car Salesmen are the most advanced kind of, mind game playing, butt kissing, scum bag, socially manipulative, money hungry, predators that exists on the planet. The only situation I can think of that’s more scary and awkward that this would be an entire room filled with Used Car Salesmen.

Going to this car dealership was sprung on me out of the blue. In the past, when my wife wanted to see a used car, we simply parked outside the lot, we walked over to see the car or cars that she liked, she drooled over them a while, then we got back into out car and drove off. Pretty painless for the most part.

Though I have to describe painless just a bit. I hate window shopping. Rejection is a huge problem in my life. Going to look at something that I know I can’t afford, or for what ever reason can’t have, is a form of rejection. The higher priced and large the item, the more rejection I feel. I huge and expensive (expensive to us) Ford Explorer is therefore a massive amount of rejection. I have quite enough rejection and problems in my life, thank you very much. This is just one more huge thing that might just send me over the edge into that void from which I may or may not return.

Back to my story. I though to myself, I don’t like this, but I want to do it for my wife. Since the past has been that its just a short time we spend looking at this and then leave, I will gladly put up with this. I can deal with it because I love my wife and I’m trying very hard to make her happy and not let my short comings rule me.

So we parked at the dealership and went to look at the Explorer that she liked. I have to admit that it was pretty and would make her a nice vehicle. Of course, the only thing I could think of was the gas bill this monster would require of me.

We looked at the truck. The dealership was open, so I knew I was in danger. I knew that if we tarried here long, the predator would sense our presence and move in for the kill. It’s kind of like in a good war movie. We were moving through the enemy’s territory. I was trying not to make any more disturbance than absolutely necessary in the hopes that I could get out of there alive.

But it was not to be. The predator saw us and moved in. He asked if we wanted to see inside. My wife said yes. I was pleading with her in my mind to say no, because I knew this was the enemy’s tactics. Once we were inside the vehicle, we would be doomed.

My wife looked around inside the Explorer. She was hooked. The enemy had trapped us inside its web and there was no escape. Now my only hope was that I would survive the night.

I was trying to remain outside the vehicle, but I knew this would not last long. Having to get inside the vehicle was yet another level of fear and rejection. My wife was over come with desire and admiration for the explorer that she wanted, and had wanted for so very long. She asked me to sit inside. Even though I knew this a trap, I was also hoping to salvage the night and also our relationship. So I got inside.

After a while, I could see my wife glowing and the question about to pop from her mouth. Then when she could not contain it anymore, out it came. I can’t recall her exact words now as I’ve already blocked some of it from my mind. Weather this block was intentional of unintentional, I do not know.

But in essence, she was asking if we could buy this Explorer. Logic set in on me and I said it would be better if we waited. Very thankfully, she agreed. Though perhaps begrudgingly. I could not really tell.

The enemy approached again as if sensing the exact time needed to move back in for the final blow. My wife told him that we would need to go talk about it. I thought that perhaps this was it. Our way out. But then again, I know our enemy. I know that they don’t let victims leave their web without a fight.

Now I don’t quite remember what was said by the predator. But I know the aftermath of it. Both my wife and I, we were willingly following our enemy into the very heart of his abode. This is where victims were slaughtered and their bodies mutilated. This was the worst of the worst of the worst. To walk away from the enemy’s very abode unscathed would require nothing short of a miracle.

Im not going to spend much time wrapping this up. Partially becase the moment has passed and when I write, if I dont get to what I need to put down right then, I can no longer connect to the emotion of it. When that happens, anything I write becomes lifeless. So all that to say that I may or may not be able to come back to this. Surfice to say that I did make it out alive from the enemies layer, but not without wounds. Wounds came in the form of my poor wife, which I left out to dry with the enemy which I cowered in the back on the room.

It was not too bas because I had my daugher there as protection.



This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Week 4 - Threat Assesment

When I started this blog, I had a couple goals in mind. #1 – Describe how the avoidant personality manifestx in my life. #2 – Describe what its like to live on a day to day (or week to week) basis with the disorder. My hope was that in writing all this down, perhaps I can learn how to cope better. Maybe I can learn something about how I work and perhaps others can learn how they work. Everyone if different, but I think for the most part, all Avoidants all work pretty much the same. The differences probably come when our unique personalities and personal make up interact with the disorder.

Whenever I am thrust into meeting a person, or people, or I’m put into any social or potential social situation, there is a very complex “Threat level Assessment” that I do. Weather I do this consciously or subconsciously, or a combination of the 2, I have no idea.

This assessment is extremely complex and takes up a great deal of energy. In computer speak, Id call it processing power. If my processing power, or energy level, in doing this Threat Level Assessment is expended, I freak out. Freaking out could take the form of having an anxiety attack, becoming physically ill, shutting down emotionally and even physically, and just plain unable to function.

Since I work with computers in tech support, I compare a lot of things to how a computer works. Putting this into computer terminology, expending my energy level would be like running out of system resources. Once your computer runs out of system resources, the computer becomes unstable. Unless the condition is corrected, the computer will shut down and will no longer function.

Putting that computer analogy back into how I function, the only way to correct a system failure is to be immediately taken out of the situation that caused the overload and wait for my body to calm down.

Whenever I meet a person, or persons, or I’m faced with a potential social situation, I immediately go into Threat Assessment Mode. In this mode, I must gather as much information as quickly as possible about the person, persons, situation, place or thing and come up with a very quick rating as to how much of a threat is posed.

Let me give a quick example of this before I go into the details of the Assessment Rating System. When I go to the mall, I’m faced with 100’s to 1000’s of people at the same exact time. My Threat Level Assessment kicks in. I’m scanning potentially 100’s of people that are within my range (area) in order to come up with my Threat Assessment as quickly as possible. For every single person in the mall, I must come up with as detailed as possible of an assessment of the potential threat they pose to me. So take a Single Person Assessment, which must be very detailed ( I will get to the rating system in a moment) and multiply that by the potential 100’s within my range at even give time. That assessment is dynamic. In other words, it’s constantly changing as people move in and out of my range and new ones come into my range as new folks come into the mall.

I may be scanning every one of these hundreds of people to come up an individual threat assessment rating, which must be resolved into a group threat assessment rating. Since the people inside my range is constantly changing, I’m constantly re-scanning, re-evaluating individual threat assessments, and coming up with a Group Threat Assessment. Then I must take into consideration the surroundings, my current emotional and physical state to come up with an Overall Threat Assessment.

All of this brain and emotional power takes huge amounts of energy and body resources. Is it any wonder that Avoidants avoid these situations like the plaque, and when forced into them, can even become physically ill? At the very least, an Avoidant can only keep up this level of processing power for a short period before shutting down, becoming ill, or running from the mall like a complete mad person.

The only reason I can put all this down on paper is because I’ve been in this situation many many times. Its only recently that I have figured out, at least for me, how it works.

Ok, next we move on to the Threat Level Assessment Rating System. This is the most complicated part and is probably much more complicated than even I can imagine. When I meet someone, or a group of someones, there is a very complicated process of ratings to determine how much of a threat that person, or persons, is to me.

This Ratings System will determine if I can relate at all to this person, or group of persons, or if I need to turn around and run as fast as I can in the other direction. The ratings system is huge and very complex. Since it is going to be very long, I am going to give it its on blog entry. So stay tuned and I hope to have this rating system up soon……………..










This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Weeks 3 - Coping

I received 1 comment to 1 of my post, which is actually 1 more comment that I expected. The reader simply commented that I was brave to do this. Ya know, I guess I am. There are just not many people that seem to be ok with airing out laundry. In Christian circles, this problem is even more profound. Christians just dont talk about thnigs like this. Add to that Pastors, which are even more so inclined to not talk about their problems and failures. How I managed to Pastor (Youth Pastor I was) since im an Avoidant Personality is another stort entirely. In short, I was not a very good Pastor at all. Its hard to pastor people when you just want to run away and not even talk to them.

Here I sit in my chair at my desk working from home. I dont have to talk to anyone, except through a Chat program that we have. I work in a virtual call center. Taking calls is fine because I have a shield between myself and the callers.

Here in my room/office I have complete anominity and protection from the outside world. I have everything I need right here. I work from home. I can order everythinig I need from the internet. I never even have to go outside at all if I dont want to. Of course, I do try and I do go shopping and such. After living as an Avoidant for so many years, Ive learned to hide my feelings quite well. Most of the time, I can cope and deal with the situautions that I face.

I dont want to give the impression that Im a complete shut in and I dont get out cause I do. I can appear fairly normal when I want to or Im having a good day. It comes with years of practice. I can think of many things Id rather be good at than faking than Im ok, which is the purpose of this blog. After all these years, I am finally saying to the world, or at least my very small corner of it, and to God, than Im not ok and I need help.

A "Good Day" comes very infrequently and seems to have no rhime, reason, or pattern to when it will come. I get them anywhere from 1 day every few months to maybe a day a year. I have no clue why I have an occasional good day. A good day is when I feel almost normal (Though since ive lived this way so long, I really dont know what normal is except what I see in others). I feel like I can like people and evem socialize on some level. When I do have this good day, I want to tell say; "Good day, please dont go. Please stick around for a while and make that other person go away." But it always leaves just as quickly as it came and Im back to feeling isolated and alone.

I can even socialize to some degree when I need to. But I never feel connected at all. I have no friends except those here at work. ( I do have 1 friend that I met in Oregon and now livesin Tenessee.) I have thought of trying to get a job in the outside world, but history has shown me that sooner or later, my disorder causes problems and I just cant hold normal outside jobs.

So I sit here in my room/office and continue to exist and little else. I hope 1 day I can find a way to break out of this bubble that I seem to live in. So far, nothing has helped, at least not in a lasting fashion.






This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

Week 2 - God, the VA, and Avoidant Personality Disorder

Friday I go back to the VA for my 2nd evaluation. I was there last week where I was evaluated by a Physociologist. Friday, its a full fleged shrink. The interview is supposed to last 2 hours. The VA is trying to determine if I should receive a disability rating for my personality disorder. I opened the claim way back in 1986 just shoflty after I got out of the Air Force.

Their position is that I was born with the Avoidant Personality Disorder. My position is that I dont know if I was born with it or not. But even if so, what happened to me while I was in the military made it far worse than it would have ever been otherwise. Also, because of how bad my disorder has become, I cant hold a normal job. I currenlty work at home, which I do well at. I do well at this job cause I dont have to see or socialize with anyone. Working at home, there is a barier and comfort in not having to see anyone face to face.

In other jobs Ive worked out where I go to a regular office with people, I fail. I have a hard time communicating with people, I fear authority and in general, just feel like everyone is better than me. This just does not work well in a normal office environment. Especially, when you are the supervisor. It makes it real hard to supervise people that you feel inferior to them. I feel as though my career path and income has been greatly stifled by the depth of my disorder, which is a result of the abuse I took in the military.

After I filed my claim way back on 87, I was denied. I had appealed and that was denied as well. I had decided to forget about it. Especially since there was nothing I could do about it anyway. Then one day, about 3 weeks ago, I received a notice from the VA that they had made a mistake and the claim was being reopened. I even asked the VA about the reopening and they said that this just does not happen.

So I decided that this just might be God and I should let him work if he was up to something. I went to me first interview and Friday, I go to the 2nd. Then I wait again for God and the VA to go to work. The claim will either be approved or denied. If it gets approved, I will finally be able to go to the VA and see doctors for this and get some help at no charge.

Why I feel that the Air Force made a mess of me is another story worthy of a seperate entry. I will update in here as soon as I know whats going on.




This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com