Its been a while since I wrote on this blog. Life for me has been pretty busy lately. I know that is not really a good excuse, but its the best one I have.
I just got a response from someone that commented on one of my post. He just wanted to say thanks that someone writes about this disorder. Its hard to keep writing on this sometimes when I don't even know if anyone is listening.
It would be like a Pastor preaching in a Church with some sort of barrier that prevents him from seeing his audience, or if there is an audience at all.
I think it would be pretty hard on that Pastor. I guess it really should not matter. After all, even Jesus did not really have that much of an audience. Not compared to the size of audiences in this day and time.
So as my daughter says; "Its a hard time."
When I receive a comment or response saying thank you, it really means a lot. The other part of this is that maybe if all of us that have AVPd speak up, we can learn what this disorder is, what causes it, and how to deal with it better.
No offense meant to those with Cancer, or MS, or any of those other more obvious and physical deceases, but doesn't it seem that those disorders get all the publicity, notoriety, and money for research?
What about us? What about those of us that suffer silently and usually invisibly with mental disorders?
No one seems to pay us any mind (Pun Intended)
Phillip
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it.
I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Avoidant Personality
Monday, July 16, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Ya know, as a Christian, this is probably not the Acceptable thing for a Christian to say. Its not very......Christian. Or is it? Is God that insecure that he is afraid of our honesty?
As Christians, we like to cover things up and pretend that everything is ok. And in the end, it is fine and all is good.
But this is in line with my Keeping It Real. Its my new theme song for Avoidant Personalities.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
As Christians, we like to cover things up and pretend that everything is ok. And in the end, it is fine and all is good.
But this is in line with my Keeping It Real. Its my new theme song for Avoidant Personalities.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
My own response (actually my wife's) to my post of the odd patterns
My wife reads my blog. She had a really good and positive way of looking at these odd patterns in my life.
My wife is wonderful. I asked her this morning what she thought of these patterns and she nailed it. Its actually a thought I have always had, but I have doubts about it when nothing seems to come of it and the pattern continues.
I even have more doubts when I dont sleep well. The lack of sleep makes for a really bad outlook on life and seems to make everything gloom and doom. Just like that old Hee Haw show for those of us that have been around that long and can remember it.
The song was called "Gloom Dispair and Agony on me"
This was how I felt yesterday. Today is a different story. I slept well last night and have a different outlook. So on with what these odd patterns are in my life.
God has always kept a close eye on my life. I dont really know why. But for whatever reason, he just has a special purpose for my life and does not let me wander too far. He does not allow me to have certain friends. He has always directed my life and just does not let me stray too far from his will. And in other cases, the thing I was supposed to do was only for a short season.
Such odd things for those that follow Christ are not without precedents.
My wife is wonderful. I asked her this morning what she thought of these patterns and she nailed it. Its actually a thought I have always had, but I have doubts about it when nothing seems to come of it and the pattern continues.
I even have more doubts when I dont sleep well. The lack of sleep makes for a really bad outlook on life and seems to make everything gloom and doom. Just like that old Hee Haw show for those of us that have been around that long and can remember it.
The song was called "Gloom Dispair and Agony on me"
This was how I felt yesterday. Today is a different story. I slept well last night and have a different outlook. So on with what these odd patterns are in my life.
God has always kept a close eye on my life. I dont really know why. But for whatever reason, he just has a special purpose for my life and does not let me wander too far. He does not allow me to have certain friends. He has always directed my life and just does not let me stray too far from his will. And in other cases, the thing I was supposed to do was only for a short season.
Such odd things for those that follow Christ are not without precedents.
- Jonah refused to go to Nineveh to preach. He took a boat ride to Tarshish, which was in the opposite direction from Nineveh. God sent a violent storm to almost sink the boat. The people of the boat determined the cause for this storm was Jonah. The crew threw him overboard. A whale swallowed him, took him to Nineveh and then spit him out.
- Then there is the story of Joseph. He was sold into slavery and went though a lot of pain in order to get placed where God needed him to be.
There are a lot of other stories in the Bible that show us that God directs people lives to get them where he needs them and to do what he needs them to do. Such is the case with my life and Im sure many others. Or most others. God is directing my life to get me where he wants me to be. Many times along the way, I have fought him. Like Jonah, I have not wanted to do what God has told me to do. I suspect that many of us fall into the same category.
Odd things seem to happen and we dont know why. Instead of thinking that life is just horrible to us and so is God. Perhaps, just perhaps its just the opposite. God case about us so very much, that he knows what we need to be doing and what we should be doing. Even though we may not understand it or recognize it. God knows that its the thing that will make our entire lives make sense. Its the one peice of the puzzle that we have always resisted because we just dont see how it can possibly fit.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Odd Paterns in my life
My life has been a series of ups and downs. Today is a down day. Weather this is due to the Avoidant or my just not having slept well last night, I do not know. Maybe is a combo of both. I hesitated to put this in my Avoidant blog. But I decided to do it anyway for a couple reasons. 1st, I didnt know where else to put it. Perhaps under a blog titled, "My weird and odd life that makes not sense at all". But perhaps that the very definition of being an Avoidant.
These odd patterns have existed all my life. My memory has never been good, so there is a lot that I just dont recall and never have. What are these odd patterns? Its like this carrot that is dangled out in front of me that I can never catch no matter how hard I try. I almost think of myself like Job.
Of course, I cant compare the things I go though to anything even remotely like Job. My needs have always been met. I have a good daughter, a good wife, a good house, a good job and good health. In these departments I can certainly not complain. But its just these odd things in my life that by themselves are not that big of a deal.
Looking at just 1 or 2 of these things in my life, one can just come to the conclusion that this is just how life is. Its often not very fair. I could even go as far as to say that "Life is a bitch and then you die". When this very same pattern continues for and entire life and the same things happen over and over and over again, I have to start taking notice.
I have certainly taken notice of this pattern before. In fact, I have thought on it many times over the course of my life. But thinking and even praying about it seems to do no good at all. I cannot figure out what it is, what I did wrong, or why this is happening.
Perhaps like Job, I didnt do anything at all. I was just an innocent subject of a bet gone wrong.
I guess I need to get back to this pattern and try to describe it or at least give examples of it. Throughout the course of my life, things have just never worked out for me. Or if something does seem like its about to work out, all of the sudden like, its yanked out from under me. And I am left trying to figure out why and what I did wrong.
Such has been my life. Its a puzzle that I have been working on all my life and still I am no closer to figuring it out.
Ok, so I guess its on to some examples of this weirdness. Like I said, by themselves, they would just seem normal or bad luck or whatever you want to call it. But do these sorts of bad luck streaks really last an entire lifetime?
So here are the ones I can remember.
#1 YWAM (Youth With a Mission)
I have no recollection of time frames. Best I can do is estimate this at around 1990 . YWAM is a Christian Missions organization. I worked with them for 3 years. One day I just mentioned casually that I might like to leave the ministry one day to my supervisor. I returned thinking about this, to my desk and work. About 10 minutes later, I was summoned to a meeting with about 10 or so of my peers and as told that I was being released from the ministry as of that very day.
#2 YWAM part 2
While in the School of Evangelism, I didnt send out letters to try to raise support like others did. I heard from God not to do this. About 2 thirds or so through the school, the director of the school came to me and told me that unless I raised the funds to pay for the school, I was to be sent home. Nothing was raised, so I was indeed sent home. After about 2 weeks or so of being home, someone called and said that my school was paid. So I packed up and went back to school.
#2 US Air Force
Within about 1 month of my permanent duty station, there was an accident where I tore a ligament in my knee. Because of this injury, I was unable to do my work. After 3 years of not being allowed to do anything, I put in for other jobs. I was turned down for every job that I put in for.
#3 US Air Force Part 2
I was given odd jobs to do when they came up. This one odd job was a painting detail. There were 3 of us working the detail. When the Sargent was not there, it was said that I was to be in charge. 1 day he was not there, and being in charge and not having any more work to do for the day, I and the 1 other person left for the day. This was the typical thing that we did when we ran out of work. On this particular day, the boss in charge of the detail came looking for us and to make a long story short, the Sargent of my detail did not back me up. I was charged with abandoning my post.
#4 US Air Force Part 3
As punishment, I was sent to Correctional Custody (CC), where I was terrorized and humiliated by the people on staff there. This greatly enhanced my Avoidant Personality which lead to my hatred of the Air Force, which lead to my discharge.
#5 Church
When we started attending this Church, a Pastor approached me. After some talk she said that the Church had a need for a facilitator in their Helps Ministry. We talked about this a couple more times. After the last meeting, everything went cold. I never heard anything again from this pastor about this ministry.
#6 Restoration Ministries
This was a Church that I attended when I lived in Oregon. There was a ministry there called Restoration. After I went through the school, I went on staff. I worked on the ministry office and took care of their books, advertising, school agenda, etc. One day, a young lady came into the school. After she graduated, she came onto staff. She moved into the office and started working with me. Slowly at first, then she just took over completely and I was told I was no longer needed.
#7 Boise Bible College
I attended this college with the intention of just getting a Bible Certificate. The 1st semester went well. I made a friend right off. She was just the thing I needed to make my college experience bearable. About half way through the semester, her husband had an terrible accident which left him a paraplegic. Since he was the provider for the family, she had no choice but to drop out of school. After she left, I was without anyone to be my friend and support.
#8 Boise Bible College part 2
I wanted to be a help to the college as much as I could. Those of us that lived off base had it doubly tuff because we just didnt seem to get the support that those that lived on campus did. I wanted to start a forum for us off-campus students so we could talk and get help. I was told it was not a bad idea, but was just left hanging. I was never gotten back to from anyone.
#9 Boise Bible College part 3
I also wanted to promote the school. I was contacted about by a company that wanted surveys from students and testimonials for colleges throughout the US. I asked about posting these surveys and soliciting testimonials from students. Again, I was left totally hanging. No one from the college ever got back to me on this project.
#10 Boise Bible College part 4
I have nerve damage (From the Air Force) in my hands making it very difficult to impossible to write legibly. I informed every one of my professors of this problem right at the start of every class I took. No allowances were made for my disability. So when tests came, I was forced to try to write by hand. There were essay questions and fill in the blank questions. The only hope that I had to even come close to being legible was to write very very slowly. The tests were timed. I was unable to complete the tests in time. On answers that I was able to complete, I had to keep my answers shorter than what they needed to be due to the pain in my hands. So as a result, my scores were very bad and some tests I was not able to do at all and was forced to take Failures.
#12 Odd noises?
Another one that I am not sure belongs here, but Im going to put in down anyway. When I was a kid, I would often hear odd noises and see strange things. One time, I even thought that I had a pillow over my head and was being smothered.
#13 Hewlett Packard
I was hired over the phone for this job without even an interview. So this was a odd one, but with a good result at 1st. But after 3 years, I was laid off.
#14 The Apple store
I was hired as the service manager. After a short while at this store, I learned that the owner did not pay either personal or business taxes. Some time later, I was laid off.
#15 The Movie Gallery
I was the store manager. One day, I was sent movies that were soft porn. I refused to rent them and was fired. A couple years later, they went out of business.
#16 Failed Business
My wife and I started up a business. It was a magazine. We were not able to sell enough spots and finally had to file Bankruptcy when the business failed.
Bankruptcy, Foreclosure & Repossession
This was a result of our failed business, but we lost our home, & 2 cars in the bankruptcy.
Then on the flip side of this, there is a positive. I met my wife. We met over the phone when I lived in Texas and she in Idaho. We prayed that if it was God and I was to move to idaho, that God would provide a job. I put a resume on line and was called by a company. I was hired for HP sight unseen and without even an interview. I went to Idaho and got married.
These are just the main ones that I can recall. But I know there are many many more just like this. There have been jobs that I have applied for that I thought I had for sure. One interview would go wonderfully. Then then next would not and would not get hired. This happened again and again and again. Not precisely the same way each time as if not to raise too much suspicion. But odd things that keep leading to the same result.
Every friend I have made in my life, which have been very very few, have left me.
In every single job I have ever had, something has gone wrong. At some point, my position was dissolved, or the company went under or something else odd happened to end my time there. Nothing I have ever tried has succeeded. There have been a few small things here and there, but nothing big or even close to big.
I know that in any life, some rain is going to fall. Bad things happen. Thats just life. But I have had just about nuthing but bad luck all my life. Sure, there have been times of peace throughout my life when things have gone ok or at least nothing bad has happened.
I think if anyone was given a steady dose of all this constantly, they would go crazy or go out and do something dumb.
In all this, I have refused to give up. I still do. I keep plugging along and try to at least get by. But on some days, like today, its just a bit much. If I didnt know better, Id say that I am cursed. Its like this thing that prevents anything really good from happening in my life. I get just enough to get by and our needs are met, but no more. The only really good things in my life have been my God my wife, and my daughter.
I dont blame any of these places above. It was not any of their faults. It was this thing that seems to float over and around me that causes any place I am, any job Im in, any friends I have to not work out, fail and leave me.
Its like that movie Shawshank Redemption. In the movie, Tim Robins was sent to prison for a murder he did not commit. When asked why he was sent to prision, he said that bad luck just floated around looking for someone to land on and it was just his turn.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
These odd patterns have existed all my life. My memory has never been good, so there is a lot that I just dont recall and never have. What are these odd patterns? Its like this carrot that is dangled out in front of me that I can never catch no matter how hard I try. I almost think of myself like Job.
Of course, I cant compare the things I go though to anything even remotely like Job. My needs have always been met. I have a good daughter, a good wife, a good house, a good job and good health. In these departments I can certainly not complain. But its just these odd things in my life that by themselves are not that big of a deal.
Looking at just 1 or 2 of these things in my life, one can just come to the conclusion that this is just how life is. Its often not very fair. I could even go as far as to say that "Life is a bitch and then you die". When this very same pattern continues for and entire life and the same things happen over and over and over again, I have to start taking notice.
I have certainly taken notice of this pattern before. In fact, I have thought on it many times over the course of my life. But thinking and even praying about it seems to do no good at all. I cannot figure out what it is, what I did wrong, or why this is happening.
Perhaps like Job, I didnt do anything at all. I was just an innocent subject of a bet gone wrong.
I guess I need to get back to this pattern and try to describe it or at least give examples of it. Throughout the course of my life, things have just never worked out for me. Or if something does seem like its about to work out, all of the sudden like, its yanked out from under me. And I am left trying to figure out why and what I did wrong.
Such has been my life. Its a puzzle that I have been working on all my life and still I am no closer to figuring it out.
Ok, so I guess its on to some examples of this weirdness. Like I said, by themselves, they would just seem normal or bad luck or whatever you want to call it. But do these sorts of bad luck streaks really last an entire lifetime?
So here are the ones I can remember.
#1 YWAM (Youth With a Mission)
I have no recollection of time frames. Best I can do is estimate this at around 1990 . YWAM is a Christian Missions organization. I worked with them for 3 years. One day I just mentioned casually that I might like to leave the ministry one day to my supervisor. I returned thinking about this, to my desk and work. About 10 minutes later, I was summoned to a meeting with about 10 or so of my peers and as told that I was being released from the ministry as of that very day.
#2 YWAM part 2
While in the School of Evangelism, I didnt send out letters to try to raise support like others did. I heard from God not to do this. About 2 thirds or so through the school, the director of the school came to me and told me that unless I raised the funds to pay for the school, I was to be sent home. Nothing was raised, so I was indeed sent home. After about 2 weeks or so of being home, someone called and said that my school was paid. So I packed up and went back to school.
#2 US Air Force
Within about 1 month of my permanent duty station, there was an accident where I tore a ligament in my knee. Because of this injury, I was unable to do my work. After 3 years of not being allowed to do anything, I put in for other jobs. I was turned down for every job that I put in for.
#3 US Air Force Part 2
I was given odd jobs to do when they came up. This one odd job was a painting detail. There were 3 of us working the detail. When the Sargent was not there, it was said that I was to be in charge. 1 day he was not there, and being in charge and not having any more work to do for the day, I and the 1 other person left for the day. This was the typical thing that we did when we ran out of work. On this particular day, the boss in charge of the detail came looking for us and to make a long story short, the Sargent of my detail did not back me up. I was charged with abandoning my post.
#4 US Air Force Part 3
As punishment, I was sent to Correctional Custody (CC), where I was terrorized and humiliated by the people on staff there. This greatly enhanced my Avoidant Personality which lead to my hatred of the Air Force, which lead to my discharge.
#5 Church
When we started attending this Church, a Pastor approached me. After some talk she said that the Church had a need for a facilitator in their Helps Ministry. We talked about this a couple more times. After the last meeting, everything went cold. I never heard anything again from this pastor about this ministry.
#6 Restoration Ministries
This was a Church that I attended when I lived in Oregon. There was a ministry there called Restoration. After I went through the school, I went on staff. I worked on the ministry office and took care of their books, advertising, school agenda, etc. One day, a young lady came into the school. After she graduated, she came onto staff. She moved into the office and started working with me. Slowly at first, then she just took over completely and I was told I was no longer needed.
#7 Boise Bible College
I attended this college with the intention of just getting a Bible Certificate. The 1st semester went well. I made a friend right off. She was just the thing I needed to make my college experience bearable. About half way through the semester, her husband had an terrible accident which left him a paraplegic. Since he was the provider for the family, she had no choice but to drop out of school. After she left, I was without anyone to be my friend and support.
#8 Boise Bible College part 2
I wanted to be a help to the college as much as I could. Those of us that lived off base had it doubly tuff because we just didnt seem to get the support that those that lived on campus did. I wanted to start a forum for us off-campus students so we could talk and get help. I was told it was not a bad idea, but was just left hanging. I was never gotten back to from anyone.
#9 Boise Bible College part 3
I also wanted to promote the school. I was contacted about by a company that wanted surveys from students and testimonials for colleges throughout the US. I asked about posting these surveys and soliciting testimonials from students. Again, I was left totally hanging. No one from the college ever got back to me on this project.
#10 Boise Bible College part 4
I have nerve damage (From the Air Force) in my hands making it very difficult to impossible to write legibly. I informed every one of my professors of this problem right at the start of every class I took. No allowances were made for my disability. So when tests came, I was forced to try to write by hand. There were essay questions and fill in the blank questions. The only hope that I had to even come close to being legible was to write very very slowly. The tests were timed. I was unable to complete the tests in time. On answers that I was able to complete, I had to keep my answers shorter than what they needed to be due to the pain in my hands. So as a result, my scores were very bad and some tests I was not able to do at all and was forced to take Failures.
#12 Odd noises?
Another one that I am not sure belongs here, but Im going to put in down anyway. When I was a kid, I would often hear odd noises and see strange things. One time, I even thought that I had a pillow over my head and was being smothered.
#13 Hewlett Packard
I was hired over the phone for this job without even an interview. So this was a odd one, but with a good result at 1st. But after 3 years, I was laid off.
#14 The Apple store
I was hired as the service manager. After a short while at this store, I learned that the owner did not pay either personal or business taxes. Some time later, I was laid off.
#15 The Movie Gallery
I was the store manager. One day, I was sent movies that were soft porn. I refused to rent them and was fired. A couple years later, they went out of business.
#16 Failed Business
My wife and I started up a business. It was a magazine. We were not able to sell enough spots and finally had to file Bankruptcy when the business failed.
Bankruptcy, Foreclosure & Repossession
This was a result of our failed business, but we lost our home, & 2 cars in the bankruptcy.
Then on the flip side of this, there is a positive. I met my wife. We met over the phone when I lived in Texas and she in Idaho. We prayed that if it was God and I was to move to idaho, that God would provide a job. I put a resume on line and was called by a company. I was hired for HP sight unseen and without even an interview. I went to Idaho and got married.
These are just the main ones that I can recall. But I know there are many many more just like this. There have been jobs that I have applied for that I thought I had for sure. One interview would go wonderfully. Then then next would not and would not get hired. This happened again and again and again. Not precisely the same way each time as if not to raise too much suspicion. But odd things that keep leading to the same result.
Every friend I have made in my life, which have been very very few, have left me.
In every single job I have ever had, something has gone wrong. At some point, my position was dissolved, or the company went under or something else odd happened to end my time there. Nothing I have ever tried has succeeded. There have been a few small things here and there, but nothing big or even close to big.
I know that in any life, some rain is going to fall. Bad things happen. Thats just life. But I have had just about nuthing but bad luck all my life. Sure, there have been times of peace throughout my life when things have gone ok or at least nothing bad has happened.
I think if anyone was given a steady dose of all this constantly, they would go crazy or go out and do something dumb.
In all this, I have refused to give up. I still do. I keep plugging along and try to at least get by. But on some days, like today, its just a bit much. If I didnt know better, Id say that I am cursed. Its like this thing that prevents anything really good from happening in my life. I get just enough to get by and our needs are met, but no more. The only really good things in my life have been my God my wife, and my daughter.
I dont blame any of these places above. It was not any of their faults. It was this thing that seems to float over and around me that causes any place I am, any job Im in, any friends I have to not work out, fail and leave me.
Its like that movie Shawshank Redemption. In the movie, Tim Robins was sent to prison for a murder he did not commit. When asked why he was sent to prision, he said that bad luck just floated around looking for someone to land on and it was just his turn.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Today, I have lunch scheduled with the Pastor of the Church that I attend. I really don't want to go, but I am going to force myself. The avoidant in me hates authority figures. I cower around them. I pray that today when I go, God will give me the strength to overcome to Avodiant in me. I no longer call myself an Avoidant. I say that its the Avoidant in me. It sounds better. Plus there is power in our words. If you call yourself an Avoidant, you will live that out. If you call yourself a dummy you will be that. If you cal yourself a good person that just a issue with Adoidant, you will live that out. See what I mean?
God created the world and universe with nothing but his words. We have that same power. We can create or destroy with our words. Its a choice that each of us have to make. Weather we are going to let the Avoidant master us or we will master it. I choose the later. With God's help, I am not an Avoidant. I am a person with Avoidant issues that will be overcome in time.
I used to love to watch "The Prisoner". It is an old english series about a man that decided he didn't want to be a secret agent anymore. But someone wanted to know what he knew, so they kidnapped him and took him to this place called "The Village". The entire series is made up of plots by someone (that we don't know and never find out who it is) to get information out of him. This village is composed of a lot of others as well that all have numbers. Patrick McGooha's (The prisoner) line at the start of each episode is "I am not a number, I am a free man!"
Everyone having numbers, in this village, was a way of removing their identity. Patrick was stating that he refused this lack of identity and that he is not a number, he is a free man.
So I am refusing to take on this identity and stating the same thing. "I am not an Avoidant, I am a free normal person that has an issue that I am, with God's help, working through on a daily basis."
When I scheduled the lunch time with the Pastor, the intention was to come out of the closet. See that blog on coming out. But now, I am scared. My desire is to find others that are Aviodants and have similar issues and help them work through it. Its an extremely tuff thing to do, but I believe that anyone can find their way out of this. But its going to take help. I am not there yet either.
But I do believe that I will get there someday. In the meantime, I want to find others that have this and issues like them and try to help.
I have no idea how my lunch with the Pastor will go. I am praying that I will have strength.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I am in the process of setting up a web site for Avoidant Personalities. I want to provide as much info as I can find. I have searched the internet for information on Avoidants. There does not seem to be much out there. At least info that is current. Most blogs I have found on Avoidants have old info and have not been updated in years. 
If anyone knows of good current info, web sites, blogs or anything else out there, please let me know so I can include it on the web site I am putting together.
I want to have facts and such on Avoidants, but mainly I want to focus more on information and stories from actual Avoidants. In fact, Id love to have as many stories as I can get.
If anyone knows of good current info, web sites, blogs or anything else out there, please let me know so I can include it on the web site I am putting together.
I want to have facts and such on Avoidants, but mainly I want to focus more on information and stories from actual Avoidants. In fact, Id love to have as many stories as I can get.
I am looking for;
- Facts on Avoidants
- What Causes it?
- Are people born Avoidants?
- Does something cause the disorder?
- Is there any research being done on it?
- Is there anything out there that can help?
- Stories from actual Avoidants
- Daily struggles
- Anything that helps you cope with life or makes it more tolerable
- Daily struggles
- Stories from those that might be Avoidants, but have not been diagnosed or just dont know it yet
- Stories from Partners of Avoidants.
- How they have learned to cope with the Avoidant, or not learned how to cope
- Any tricks or tips they have learned on dealing with their Avoiodant partner that they want to share so that others can put up with us
The more information I can gather on Avoidants, the better it will be for us all. If we call come together and talk and share whats helps, or does not help, we can all help each other cope with this instead of each Avoidant having to re-invent the wheel and feel completely alone.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it.
I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
- What Causes it?
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
My life in the Air Force and CC
I have been meaning to write this for a while now. Here lately, I have been writing a lot in my other blog. Its called Keeping it Real. I talk about Real issues in Christianity that many Churches and dont. Click here if you are interested in reading it.
While we were still holding our luggage, he had us run in place. Another tactic to let us know that our lives were no longer our own and he could make us do anything that he wanted to. After just a few seconds of this, I could feel those spicy hot links that I had gorged myself on so quickly start to churn. The next thing that I knew those hot links came back up and spewed forth onto His pad. Our Instructor noticed this and stopped us all from our running, which I am sure that the rest of the group would have thanked me for if they had dared. He yelled at me and said that I had to clean this up while the rest of the group went upstairs to their quarters.
After a very short time in my job, I had a very nasty accident. In order to protect our fuel sites from bomb fragments, it was decided that they should have a barrier of protection around them. So we put 55-gallon drums in a circle around these sites. I England, where I was stationed, it gets very windy (Tractor Trailers are sometimes blown over), so the drums needed to be filled with water so that they would not blow over. We used a fire truck and a fire hose to fill the drums with water. I filled the drums while a friend of mine operated the fire truck and was to make sure that the water pressure was right for the job.
which encompassed my foot and came all the way up to my hip. I was then given crutches and released! I called my sergeant and asked him what I should do now, thinking that I would be told to go home and take it easy. Wrong! I was told to report back to my job as soon as I could. Now, I need to back up a little and explain to you what was happening at this time. Being overseas, we have what are called Readiness Exercises a lot. In these exercises, we practice being at war and are graded in what we would do in certain situations. For example; some of these inspectors will come into a building and tell us that a bomb just exploded inside it. We might be told that out of the 10 people in the room, 5 are dead, 1 has his leg blown off, 3 have head wounds, and 1 is missing. Then we have to act accordingly figuring out how to handle this situation. We even have processing centers where the dead are processed to either return to this fake battle or are sent home for the day. I always wanted to get killed so I might be sent home for the day, but was never so lucky.
which means that we could have been hit with a toxic or noxious gas of some sort. It was also determined that it could take up to 8 hours to clean up such an attack. So every time that we had ordinance explode, we had to put on our gas masks and because it was determined that it could take up to 8 hours to clean up such a chemical attack, we could be in these gas masks for up to 8 hours.
where military personal could come and fill their vehicles, which at least meant that I got to sit. After being here a while, some inspectors showed up and the station and told me that it had been hit by one of these imaginary bombs and I was dead. Praise God, I finally got to go home!
My knee functioned normally now with the exception that I could not run or play most sports. About this time is when I hit my 3-year mark, which meant that I could finally put in for reassignment to another job. Although the surgery was successful, I still could not perform my normal job, but had to do other things. I was assigned to a paint detail. For several months, I painted the fuel facilities, fuel lines, and anything else we could find to paint. There were 3 of us on this detail and all of us had the same poor attitude about the Air Force, so we took our time and did only enough work to prove that we were still busy.
was going pretty well, though we were usually bored out of our minds. On more than one day, we would run out of paint. When this happened, no matter what time it was, we would simply go home for the day. The person in charge of the detail was a staff sergeant. The next in the chain of command was me and the 3rd person rounded out our little command. We were told that in the event that the leader was not there, that I was in charge. One day that it did happen that the leader was not there. On this particular day we ran out of paint, just like we did on other days. So just like it was our normal practice to do, I told the man under me that due to this lack of paint, that we would go home for the day. Well, it just so happened that after we went home, one of the bosses in our department came looking for us. When he couldn’t find us, he called up the leader at home. He was asked if we had been given permission to go home, to which he said no.
it is a military prison where there is no hope of rehabilitation or mercy. Leavenworth is only concerned with punishment and that punishment takes the form of turning big rocks into small rocks. So, I accepted non-judicial punishment, which meant that instead of going to trial, the Air Force got to hand me my punishment with no questions asked.
It just so happened that Dyess Air Force base had the hardest Correctional Custody in the entire Air Force. I packed a bag and reported to the facility. The moment I walked into the door, I knew that that I was in for a hard time. After signing the appropriate paperwork, they began. One of the sergeants yelled for me to stand with my nose against a picture. There were 4 sergeants in total that took places all around me. They started to yell, at the top of their lungs, right in my ear. They told me that I was the scum of the earth. They told me that I would never amount to anything. They told me that I was a disgrace to not only the Air Force, but to everyone. They told me that I couldn’t do anything right. In short, they spent this time telling me how horrible a person I was. It seemed like an eternity that they yelled at me, but in reality, it was probably 20 minutes or so. They yelled horrible things in my ear, all of which was meant to tear me down and make me feel an inch tall. It was so bad, that I started to cry and blubber. Snot was running freely out of my nose and it was all I could do to stand there and take this abuse. They wouldn’t let me have a tissue to clean up my running nose or do anything else to help. My crying only seemed to encourage them to yell louder and yell more and more terrible things. It was like it was there personal goal to make me feel as bad as they could and they wouldn’t stop until I was a complete mess.
I noticed that there were red blocks stacked all around the bed on all sides. I was told that this too was a line that I had to ask permission to enter and exit. If you can imagine all these lines at the entry and exit of all the doors and the beds, you will get an idea of how many times a day I had to yell for this permission.
This is actually something that I wrote a long time ago. One day, I felt like it was important to write things down. I started as early as I could remember and wrote down everything I could. I actually thought about writing some sort of biography, but I didnt because I wondered if anyone would want to read it. But now, that I have this blog on being an Avoidant, I want to put a portion of it here so others can read it. Maybe others will find similarities in their lives.
Anyway, here we go with my life in the Air Force, that led up to my time in Correctional Custody, which greatly multiplied my condition. Its long. So pull up a chair, get something to drink and hopeful it wont put your to sleep. Unless you want to go to sleep.
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Right after I graduated from High School, I went to work. After a few years of this, I craved something different. One day I heard about the Air Force and it sounded interesting. I would get to travel, see other cultures, and have a new exciting career. At least that it what I thought. I did get at least part of that. Let me back up just a bit to the experience at my recruiter. The recruiter wanted me to go into a field called “Petroleum Oil and Lubricants, which later we came to know as Painting, Odd Jobs and Landscapes.”
All I knew was what the recruiter was telling and it sounded pretty good. Lesson #1: Military Recruiters are like used car salesman. They will tell you anything to get you to buy what they are selling.
Since I had no reason to doubt him at that time, I bought what he told me hook, line, and sinker. I signed up with Uncle Sam for a 6-year hitch. I arrived at Boot Camp in San Antonio, Texas in summer time. Our Drill Instructor met us at the bus and immediately let us know that he was in charge and Uncle Sam now owned us and would do with us whatever he liked. We all began to feel that maybe we had made a mistake. The drill instructor had us line up in neat lines on His pad, which was a bare slab of concrete.
He then marched us straight to the mess hall, (I soon learned why it was called this), where we were to eat supper, since it was already late in the day. We were given specific instructions on how we were to go about eating. Lesson #2; Since Uncle Sam now owned us, he would teach us everything all over again. This was lesson one in how to eat in 5 minutes or less.
We were told that we had 5 minutes to eat and we he would tell us when to start and when to stop. We went through the line and got a plate full of food. The meal that evening was hot links and mashed potatoes. When we all got back to the table, we were given the order to begin to eat.
Exactly 5 minutes later, he yelled out; Ready, Stop!
After throwing away most of what was on our plates, we were marched back to the place where we had unloaded from our bus. At this point we were still carrying our luggage.
While we were still holding our luggage, he had us run in place. Another tactic to let us know that our lives were no longer our own and he could make us do anything that he wanted to. After just a few seconds of this, I could feel those spicy hot links that I had gorged myself on so quickly start to churn. The next thing that I knew those hot links came back up and spewed forth onto His pad. Our Instructor noticed this and stopped us all from our running, which I am sure that the rest of the group would have thanked me for if they had dared. He yelled at me and said that I had to clean this up while the rest of the group went upstairs to their quarters.
After they left, I was standing there all-alone. I looked around for something to clean this mess up with, but could find nothing. Finally I decided to open my luggage and taking out one of my shirts, proceeded to clean up His pad. After I had gotten it as clean as I could, I went upstairs to join the others. The instructor immediately came over to me and asked me how I had cleaned up the mess. I told him about using one of my shirts, which seemed to impress him. But apparently not enough to get me off the hook for my next mess up.
We were told our locker numbers and told to stand right in front of them, which we did. We were told to open them with our keys, but mine would not work for some reason. The instructor immediately noticed that I had problems with this and came over to help me with a challenge. He put the key on a very short chain, put this chain around my neck He told me to open the locker without removing the key from the chain, the chain from around my neck, and I also could not use my hands. (On a positive note, looking back I actually have to thank this Drill Instructor for my future career. I am convinced now that this was the start of my trouble shooting skills that I would later need.) I thought about this for a few moments. After I finally managed to get the key in my mouth, I somehow got the locker open, which seemed to further impress our instructor.
My Accident
After a very short time in my job, I had a very nasty accident. In order to protect our fuel sites from bomb fragments, it was decided that they should have a barrier of protection around them. So we put 55-gallon drums in a circle around these sites. I England, where I was stationed, it gets very windy (Tractor Trailers are sometimes blown over), so the drums needed to be filled with water so that they would not blow over. We used a fire truck and a fire hose to fill the drums with water. I filled the drums while a friend of mine operated the fire truck and was to make sure that the water pressure was right for the job.
The drums had to be stacked one on top of the other in order to provide the needed protection. I stood on the bottom one, that I had already filled, and began to fill the top on with water. My friend at the fire truck decided that it would be funny to turn up the water pressure and see what happened. Now if you have seen the kind of water pressure that these fire hoses generate, you know that a person can easily be picked up off the round by it. And that’s exactly what happened to me. I was jet propelled off the drum that I was standing on onto the ground. When I came down, by right knee was caught behind me, which I later learned snapped the ligament like a rubber band that had been stretched too far and had broke and snapped back.
I was taken to the hospital where I was put in a full leg cast,
which encompassed my foot and came all the way up to my hip. I was then given crutches and released! I called my sergeant and asked him what I should do now, thinking that I would be told to go home and take it easy. Wrong! I was told to report back to my job as soon as I could. Now, I need to back up a little and explain to you what was happening at this time. Being overseas, we have what are called Readiness Exercises a lot. In these exercises, we practice being at war and are graded in what we would do in certain situations. For example; some of these inspectors will come into a building and tell us that a bomb just exploded inside it. We might be told that out of the 10 people in the room, 5 are dead, 1 has his leg blown off, 3 have head wounds, and 1 is missing. Then we have to act accordingly figuring out how to handle this situation. We even have processing centers where the dead are processed to either return to this fake battle or are sent home for the day. I always wanted to get killed so I might be sent home for the day, but was never so lucky.
Also in these battles it was determined that any attack could be chemical,
which means that we could have been hit with a toxic or noxious gas of some sort. It was also determined that it could take up to 8 hours to clean up such an attack. So every time that we had ordinance explode, we had to put on our gas masks and because it was determined that it could take up to 8 hours to clean up such a chemical attack, we could be in these gas masks for up to 8 hours.
Well, it just so happened that when I was in the hospital getting my knee taken care of, that the base was entered into one of these exercises. And to make matters even worse, when I called my boss to ask if I could go home, we were right in the middle of one of those suspected chemical explosions, known as “being in a black.”
So when my boss told me to come in to work, that had a worse than Normal significance. That meant that I had to put my chemical suit on over the cast, which was on my right leg, put on my gas mask and with my crutches, hobble into work. And if that wasn’t enough, my car was a stick shift, so I had to figure out a way to work the clutch in order to drive it.
After I finally figured out how to accomplish all this, I made it into work. Now with the exercise that was going on, our normal parking places right in front of the building I worked in was closed, so I had to park some ways away, which was across the flight line. I parked and made my across the runway to the building where I worked. When I finally reported to work. I was told that I was to man the gas station.
I made my way to the gas station
where military personal could come and fill their vehicles, which at least meant that I got to sit. After being here a while, some inspectors showed up and the station and told me that it had been hit by one of these imaginary bombs and I was dead. Praise God, I finally got to go home!
The Military refused to perform the surgery that I needed on my knee in England, so I was put on light duties and odd jobs. There are many days that I would come in to work and do absolutely nothing or shuffle paperwork for the entire day. I didn’t like my job anyway, but this made it even worse. It was because of this that I began to want out of the Air Force. I patiently waited until my 3 years was up so that I could put in for another job. My stretch in England was only 2 years, so by the time I hit my 3 year mark, I was at Dyess Air Force base in Abilene, Texas. My knee still bothered me, so I had to go for rehab every other week. The best facilities for physical rehab were at the now defunct Carswell Air Force base in Fort Worth, Texas. So every other week for a year, I made the 2-hour drive to Fort Worth. Finally after 2 years, the military decided that rehab was not working, so they scheduled me for surgery.
The 5-hour surgery went very well.
My knee functioned normally now with the exception that I could not run or play most sports. About this time is when I hit my 3-year mark, which meant that I could finally put in for reassignment to another job. Although the surgery was successful, I still could not perform my normal job, but had to do other things. I was assigned to a paint detail. For several months, I painted the fuel facilities, fuel lines, and anything else we could find to paint. There were 3 of us on this detail and all of us had the same poor attitude about the Air Force, so we took our time and did only enough work to prove that we were still busy.
I put in for every decent job that I could think of, but they were all turned down. I even went to my commander of the base and explained the situation to him. He gave me a letter recommending that I be reassigned to a different job. Now that I had the base commander’s recommendation, I thought sure that I would be given something else. I put in for job after job, and time after time, I was turned down. Now I was really mad at the Air Force and was willing to do anything to get out.
The painting detail
was going pretty well, though we were usually bored out of our minds. On more than one day, we would run out of paint. When this happened, no matter what time it was, we would simply go home for the day. The person in charge of the detail was a staff sergeant. The next in the chain of command was me and the 3rd person rounded out our little command. We were told that in the event that the leader was not there, that I was in charge. One day that it did happen that the leader was not there. On this particular day we ran out of paint, just like we did on other days. So just like it was our normal practice to do, I told the man under me that due to this lack of paint, that we would go home for the day. Well, it just so happened that after we went home, one of the bosses in our department came looking for us. When he couldn’t find us, he called up the leader at home. He was asked if we had been given permission to go home, to which he said no.
I was to be court martial, charged with abandoning my post. The thought of loosing a court battle and being sentenced to Leavenworth was powerful persuasion to accept non-judicial punishment. For those of you that are not familiar with Leavenworth,
it is a military prison where there is no hope of rehabilitation or mercy. Leavenworth is only concerned with punishment and that punishment takes the form of turning big rocks into small rocks. So, I accepted non-judicial punishment, which meant that instead of going to trial, the Air Force got to hand me my punishment with no questions asked.
My punishment was to be redlined, which meant that I could never be promoted beyond my current rank, and I would have to spend 14 days in Correctional Custody.
Correctional Custody
It just so happened that Dyess Air Force base had the hardest Correctional Custody in the entire Air Force. I packed a bag and reported to the facility. The moment I walked into the door, I knew that that I was in for a hard time. After signing the appropriate paperwork, they began. One of the sergeants yelled for me to stand with my nose against a picture. There were 4 sergeants in total that took places all around me. They started to yell, at the top of their lungs, right in my ear. They told me that I was the scum of the earth. They told me that I would never amount to anything. They told me that I was a disgrace to not only the Air Force, but to everyone. They told me that I couldn’t do anything right. In short, they spent this time telling me how horrible a person I was. It seemed like an eternity that they yelled at me, but in reality, it was probably 20 minutes or so. They yelled horrible things in my ear, all of which was meant to tear me down and make me feel an inch tall. It was so bad, that I started to cry and blubber. Snot was running freely out of my nose and it was all I could do to stand there and take this abuse. They wouldn’t let me have a tissue to clean up my running nose or do anything else to help. My crying only seemed to encourage them to yell louder and yell more and more terrible things. It was like it was there personal goal to make me feel as bad as they could and they wouldn’t stop until I was a complete mess.
When this was over, I was told that I could leave if I wanted to. I was shown the door and told that I could go. I reached for the doorknob, but just as I almost had it in my hand, I was told that as soon as it closed behind me, my next stop would be Leavenworth. Still having that fear that had been planted there of this place, I quickly drew my hand away.
Next I was taken to a side room. The room was filled with about 20 or so people, which was a mixed bag of women and men. I was told to put down the luggage that I was carrying and face them. At this point I was told to remove everything from my luggage for inspection. Next I was told to strip while these men and women looked on. I can only assume that this was another method that they used to degrade and embarrass those in custody.
After this horror was over, I was told to go to my room. I went to cross into the room when I heard them yell stop! I stood awaiting what would happen this time. I was told that I crossed a red line without asking permission. I looked down and sure enough, there was a red line painted in front of the door. One of the sergeants yelled that I had to ask permission to cross this line and enter the room. I was further told that all the doors had such lines at both the entry and exit and I had to ask permission at both. I had to yell this request as loud as I could in the hope that I would be granted this permission. I was even given a specific and exact way in which to ask, which went like this; “Sir, CC Airman Dacus request permission to cross red line and enter (or exit ) the ______(Room) Sir”. Now if they felt like it, they would answer, but if they didn’t, they would have me yell this over and over again until they decided that I could have this permission.
After I got into my room,
I noticed that there were red blocks stacked all around the bed on all sides. I was told that this too was a line that I had to ask permission to enter and exit. If you can imagine all these lines at the entry and exit of all the doors and the beds, you will get an idea of how many times a day I had to yell for this permission.
The room was pretty sparse with bunk beds, lockers to put our clothes in, and drawers to put our things in. It would not have been too bad except for the White Tornadoes. A White Tornado is when the sergeants come into the room and turn it upside down. They would literally turn over everything including the beds. They would pull out all your clothes from the lockers, turn over drawers, and anything else they could find. After they were done with the room, it would literally look like a tornado had come through it.
The sergeants would come in and tear up our rooms every chance they got, which was every time we left our rooms. This could happen 6 or more times a day every single day.
I have to get out of this place!
After I finally got out from Correctional Custody, I was more determined than ever to find a way to get out of the Air Force. The Military had given me a job that I hated (in part because I was unable to do the job due to my knee injury, the AF refused to retrain me into a different job even after the base commander recommended it, Court Martial me, and sent me to a place that was worse than jail where is was humiliated and beat down. Now just before I had gone into Correctional Custody, I had gone to see the base Physcietraist. I went there because I terrified of woman and wanted to get some help. They diagnosed me as an Avoidant Personality. This meant that I avoided social situations because I didn’t know how to handle them.
After I got out, I returned to the Physiatrist to ask if there was anything that they could do to help me get out of the military. I was told that I could live as an Avoidant Personality and they could help me, but if I wanted, they would help me get out of the military. I said; “Yes please” and the process began. After a few short weeks, I was given an honorable discharge with remarks on it and set free.
So there is my story for the world to see.
This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder or another like it. I am in the process of creating a web site for Avoidants. I have searched high and low on the internet. There is not much out there that is not way out of date, or just plain abandoned. My hope is that we can all come together and learn from each other. Maybe we can even figure out what causes this and over come it.
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