Being the spouse of an avoidant

My poor wife has been married to me for 8 years now. I say my poor wife because I am an Avoidant. My wife is normal. If there is such a thing as normal. Being an avoidant is a mental disability. It is just a debilitating as any physical disability. In my opinion, its even worse because it cannot be seen or felt or detected by normal means.

People that have Avoidant Personality can pretend quite well to blend into society or at least avoid it. And to make things even worse, our society has in a way become a society of Avoidants. No longer do we need personal constant with each other. Now we all use Email, video calls, skype, cell phones, texting, the internet etc..

So we never even need to even see each other anymore.

Living with an Avoidant is the worst. My wife has tried for 8 years to figure me out. Good luck to her is all I have to say. I dont say that flippantly or even rudely. Unfortunately, its just a fact that I am a tough nut to crack. I have trouble figuring myself out. How can she possibly succeed in this?

We have struggled for 8 years to work it out. Now, we are in no way giving up, but its a huge struggle. A normal marriage is hard enough to make successful. Being married to an Avoidant is beyond tough.

My wife has to walk on egg shells all the time around me. My ego is so fragile that the least pressure will fracture it.

In a normal relationship, the 2 partners fight. But the 2 fight and work things out. This is normal and healthy.

In an Avoidant relationship, the normal partner becomes angry with the Avoidant partner. The norm one raises their voice, becomes angry and states their problem with the Avoidant. Instead of the other person responding, the Avoidant cowers in the corner or their mind and heart. They withdraw and become as a terrified little child.

They completely shut down and retreat. This norm person has not a clue how to respond, but often takes this is a sign that they are right or not being heard and presses even harder. The harder the norm partner presses, the more the Avoidant retreats.

When the Avoidant is in this state of being retreated inside, they cannot do anything to make things better. They are frozen and so far inside, that nothing can penetrate the hard shell.

This is the way things are with my wife and I. She desperately wants to know why I cannot respond and why I cant just trust her with my feelings. It stinks for her.

We had an incident this last weekend. We attended Church, as we often do. But this time, the sanctuary had been rearranged. Kudos to the pastor for doing this as I thought the new arrangement was very good. At least for normal people it is good.

The seats were arranged in a circle around the stage, which was in the center. I have never seen an arrangement like this. I was very impressed. But like I said, impressed for normal people

Having the seats in arranged like this meant that everyone was very close to the front. So it was not possible to hide in the back like we normally do. My wife wanted to sit up front. I accommodated her because I didnt want to make a scene and try to explain myself. Its very very embarrassing to try to explain a disability that is totally illogical and makes no sence at all. The only reason I can talk about it here is that it seems safe to write it all down.

So we sat up front. We were so close that I could clearly see the pastor and he could see me!!!!!

In the configuration we were in, there were a row of people that were facing me. It was as if those people were looking right at me. It was everything I could do to not look them in the eye. I tried looking everywhere I could to avoid looking at any of them.

It was the worst experience I have had in a long long time. All my senses were on High Alert!!!

My mind was scanning the entire crowd the whole time looking for threats. Any potential threat had to be avoided at all costs. Threats were the Pastor, the Pastors kid, the people that were seated facing me, the camera that was facing the pastor but because of the configuration of the seating, was pointing right at me.

Even my poor wife was a threat because she might be able to tell that something was wrong and might ask what was wrong. I would not be able to respond to her in any nice way or at all since I was in this state of High Alert. I might be forced to flea and any moment.

Even writing this all down brings be back to a state of fear and alertness of danger.

All this to say that my hats off to anyone that has to deal with a relationship with an Avoidant!!!!

God bless you for putting up with us.







This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder or another like it.http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com