I hear from Avoidants all over the world. The vast majority of emails that I get are from what I call "Normals" that are struggling to be in a relationship with an Avoidant, or someone that they suspect is an Avoidant. For clarification, a Normal is someone that is not an Avoidant.
For someone that is Normal, trying to be in a relationship with someone that is an Avoidant is beyond hard, and might even seem downright impossible. As Avoidants, we tend to think about ourselves a lot. We have the "Woe is Me" syndrome probably more so than most other aliments.
The problem with being an Avoidant is magnified due to the fact that the issue is in the head. That means that its invisible, unlike other problems that can be seen like Cancer. Of course this does not make Avoidance any less real. But most Normals see Avidants are just needing to Get Over It!
Being an Avoidant is seen as something that we could get over if we really tried. Just like the person that has cancer, its not that easy. A person with Cancer cant just will themselves to not have Cancer. Neither can a person that is an Avoidant just will themselves to quit being an Avoidant.
This is the very first thing that any Normal person in a relationship with an Avoidant must come to terms with. Being an Avoidant is really no different than someone with a physical issue like Cancer. Being an Avoidant is just as real, just as debilitating, just as difficult, and can be just as deadly to a marriage.
My wife is wonderful. She is wise beyond her years and very understanding. She was sent her on this earth to be my mate and look out after me. Of course, God is the one that saved our marriage. But my wife is the one that had to listen to him and understand what he was trying to tell her about Avoidants and about me.
As a Normal, my wife has a huge challenge. She tries as best she can to understand me and Get it. My wife is a Christian as am I. One day when she was at her wits end because I was being a difficult Avoidant, she turned to God. She prayed and God gave her understanding, and empathy. I cant say that she completely understands, but she tries really hard.
If it had not been for this, I am pretty sure that we would not be together today. The other thing that saved our marriage was Vitamins. I know that might sound a bit simple, but it worked for us. We looked for a long time to find something that worked.
Before, I was not nice, to put it nicely. I was a down right Jerk to my wife. I tried acupuncture, Chinese medicine, and many other things in an effort to find one that would help. I have a poor diet. I dont eat vegetables and little to no fruit. I am mostly a meat and potatoes kind of guy.
I have always thought that the lack of proper nutrition might be all, or at least part, of the problem. Weather it was a cause of the Avoidance, I had no clue, but I was willing to try most anything. My wife used to take a vitamin called Advocare. No I want to say right up front that I do not sell Advocare, nor am I saying that Advocare cures Avoidance.
All I am saying is that it worked for me. Its quite possible that there are other vitamins out there that also might be effective. What I can say for sure is that when I do not take my vitamins, I fell awful the way I used to back when I was a Jerk.
I tend to live by the saying that if it aint broke, dont fix it. These vitamins work for me. I spent a long long time looking for something that did. I have seen some research that suggest that depression, and other such issues might be helped by certain nutrients.
I think it quite possible that there is a certain element, or nutrient that is lacking in the body or brain that is either causing Avoidants or at least making it worse. So to anyone out there that is in a relationship with an Avoidant, or someone you think might be an Avoidant, dont give up!
If you are a Christian, pray and ask God for help.
If you are not a Christian, pray and ask God for help.
Try to understand that person that you are with and why they struggle and act like they do
Try to find out if that person has a good diet. Weather they have a good diet, or not, consider giving them a good quality vitamin supplement.
If you have a story that you would like to share with me and/or others, please send it to Phillip@NeedsMet.us.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Avoidant Personality
Friday, July 11, 2014
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Gays and Lesbians & Avoidants. Not as different as you might think
When I was in school, I was thought of as being Gay. Looking back on it, I can see why. Kids love to tease and bully those that dont fit into their mold. Its not just kids though. We do the same things. We tease, make fun of and bully those that are not like us.
If someone does not fit into our idea of who we think they should be, they just cant be right in the head. Right?
When I was a kid in school, I did not like girls at all. I dont think it was that I did not like them, but was scared to death of em. I would get physically ill when anywhere in the vicinity of a girl. And if it was a group or girls, I was pulling a Forest Gump and running as fast as I could the other way.
To make things worse, I did not like working on cars or sports. I could not stand to get my hands dirty. A trait I still carry to this day. Though I do get dirty when I have to. I dont like it, but there are just things you do when you are married, and when you are older, that you just have to do, like it or not.
Well, especially in a kids world, things are pretty black and white. 1 + 1 always = 2 and so forth. I was a kid that did not like girls, didnt like sports and didnt like working on cars. So that equaled gay. As a result of the school wide rumor mill, I was labeled gay and every gay person in the school hit on me.
I was not attracted to men at all, so I just withdrew. It was not until well into my 20's that I developed a good desire for girls and got my 1st kiss. So what in the world does this have to do with Avoidants? Well, leme tell ya.
Most Gays and Lesbians look at themselves as having no choice. In the Church, we look at these people and think they should get get over it. They look at it like something they have no control over. Connecting the dots yet? We look at our Avoidants like something we have no choice over. We want desperately to just Get Over It, but it just dont work that way.
People that have this Avoidant thing wreck marriages, lives and of course themselves. Its not pretty at all. So maybe we are not that far different as we in the Church think we are.
Gays and Lesbians feel that they are who they are and there is nothing they can do about it. We that suffer from Avoidance are the way we are and there seems to be nothing we can do about it. So lets all get along and accept each other.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
If someone does not fit into our idea of who we think they should be, they just cant be right in the head. Right?
When I was a kid in school, I did not like girls at all. I dont think it was that I did not like them, but was scared to death of em. I would get physically ill when anywhere in the vicinity of a girl. And if it was a group or girls, I was pulling a Forest Gump and running as fast as I could the other way.
To make things worse, I did not like working on cars or sports. I could not stand to get my hands dirty. A trait I still carry to this day. Though I do get dirty when I have to. I dont like it, but there are just things you do when you are married, and when you are older, that you just have to do, like it or not.
Well, especially in a kids world, things are pretty black and white. 1 + 1 always = 2 and so forth. I was a kid that did not like girls, didnt like sports and didnt like working on cars. So that equaled gay. As a result of the school wide rumor mill, I was labeled gay and every gay person in the school hit on me.
I was not attracted to men at all, so I just withdrew. It was not until well into my 20's that I developed a good desire for girls and got my 1st kiss. So what in the world does this have to do with Avoidants? Well, leme tell ya.
Most Gays and Lesbians look at themselves as having no choice. In the Church, we look at these people and think they should get get over it. They look at it like something they have no control over. Connecting the dots yet? We look at our Avoidants like something we have no choice over. We want desperately to just Get Over It, but it just dont work that way.
People that have this Avoidant thing wreck marriages, lives and of course themselves. Its not pretty at all. So maybe we are not that far different as we in the Church think we are.
Gays and Lesbians feel that they are who they are and there is nothing they can do about it. We that suffer from Avoidance are the way we are and there seems to be nothing we can do about it. So lets all get along and accept each other.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
My inner Avoidant
Good Morning,
I try, as best I can, to keep my inner Avoidant at bay. I would like to see that it is all-together defeated. But I cant honestly cay that. In all my years as living as a Christian, I have learned just a few things. One of them is to be honest. As Christian, we get on this bandwagon called Positive Confession.
What I have learned is that all the positive confession in the world is not going to make this thing go away. I can walk around all day saying things like; "I am not an Avoidant. I am normal and I love people". Well, saying this all day is not going to make it so. Like Jean Luke in Star Trek. He would say; "Make it so #1."
Well, I am begging God to make it so. Or perhaps I am just telling myself to make it so. Not sure. To me, its a bit like one of those monks or people that chant in the airports, though you dont see these people much anymore. You know. the one that had bald heads and handed out flowers. What an odd group.
Anyway, the point is that if I go around saying this all day long, I think the only thing it is going to get me is tired. And maybe some odd looks from people that think I have fallen off the deep end!
We hear about positive confession a lot, or at least we did. Not sure its a popular as it once was. I think because most people discovered that it did not work. Like when you get a cold and we were told to just tell ourselves that we are not sick and dont have a cold.
It seemed more like a lie than the truth. The truth is that this body gets sick. We get colds, the flu, diseases and such. Yes, it is of course also true that Jesus died for our sins, and gave us power over sickness and death. But that does not mean that this body is not going to get sick or die.
The problem is us vs our body. We are not this body. We cannot get sick or die. Our spirit and true selves that it. So from that perspective, what Jesus said was true. But our bodies is a different story. It can and will get sick and eventually die. I have this Avoidant thing in me. It is real and a issue with my body.
Saying that it is not real is not going to make it unreal. What I do though is I do try to separate me from the Avoidant. I am not an Avoidant, but I do have this Avoidant in me. Its a simple, but important distinction.
I have been working on a book for a long long time now. I think its needed. There just are not any books out there written by Avoidants for Avoidants. We only have books from so called professionals that have learned about Avoidants from books.
What I am looking for are stories. I know it is asking a lot as Avoidants dont like to put themselves out there. But you will have to trust me on this. It will help you heal just telling your story. You dont have to put in here as a comment, though I recommend that.
One of the biggest lies is that you are alone. That there is no one out there like you. That you are the only one that is as messed up as you. This is a lie. The truth is that there are a lot just like you. We are have pretty similar issues. We need to all band together and share our stories, struggles and experiences. It will help you and your story will help others as well.
So lets share with each other and gets some light on this Avoidant thing. If you prefer, you can email me at Phillip@needsmet.us.
We can learn from each other and get some healing from this inner Avoidant.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
I try, as best I can, to keep my inner Avoidant at bay. I would like to see that it is all-together defeated. But I cant honestly cay that. In all my years as living as a Christian, I have learned just a few things. One of them is to be honest. As Christian, we get on this bandwagon called Positive Confession.
What I have learned is that all the positive confession in the world is not going to make this thing go away. I can walk around all day saying things like; "I am not an Avoidant. I am normal and I love people". Well, saying this all day is not going to make it so. Like Jean Luke in Star Trek. He would say; "Make it so #1."
Well, I am begging God to make it so. Or perhaps I am just telling myself to make it so. Not sure. To me, its a bit like one of those monks or people that chant in the airports, though you dont see these people much anymore. You know. the one that had bald heads and handed out flowers. What an odd group.
Anyway, the point is that if I go around saying this all day long, I think the only thing it is going to get me is tired. And maybe some odd looks from people that think I have fallen off the deep end!
We hear about positive confession a lot, or at least we did. Not sure its a popular as it once was. I think because most people discovered that it did not work. Like when you get a cold and we were told to just tell ourselves that we are not sick and dont have a cold.
It seemed more like a lie than the truth. The truth is that this body gets sick. We get colds, the flu, diseases and such. Yes, it is of course also true that Jesus died for our sins, and gave us power over sickness and death. But that does not mean that this body is not going to get sick or die.
The problem is us vs our body. We are not this body. We cannot get sick or die. Our spirit and true selves that it. So from that perspective, what Jesus said was true. But our bodies is a different story. It can and will get sick and eventually die. I have this Avoidant thing in me. It is real and a issue with my body.
Saying that it is not real is not going to make it unreal. What I do though is I do try to separate me from the Avoidant. I am not an Avoidant, but I do have this Avoidant in me. Its a simple, but important distinction.
I have been working on a book for a long long time now. I think its needed. There just are not any books out there written by Avoidants for Avoidants. We only have books from so called professionals that have learned about Avoidants from books.
What I am looking for are stories. I know it is asking a lot as Avoidants dont like to put themselves out there. But you will have to trust me on this. It will help you heal just telling your story. You dont have to put in here as a comment, though I recommend that.
One of the biggest lies is that you are alone. That there is no one out there like you. That you are the only one that is as messed up as you. This is a lie. The truth is that there are a lot just like you. We are have pretty similar issues. We need to all band together and share our stories, struggles and experiences. It will help you and your story will help others as well.
So lets share with each other and gets some light on this Avoidant thing. If you prefer, you can email me at Phillip@needsmet.us.
We can learn from each other and get some healing from this inner Avoidant.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
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