You know, I get asked a lot about writing. How to do it, what motivates and inspires me. I read of another writer once that faced the same questions. He said something that has always stuck with me. This is a side not by the way.
If I sit down at my computer and just tell myself to write, I usually draw a blank and will end up just staring at a blank screen. Its a bit like that Jim Carey movie Liar Liar. Carey cant tell a lie. So he decides to write it instead. Trouble is that he cant even write a lie.
So he puts his knee on his hand and tells his hand to write a lie or he will break it off. Well, no matter what Carey tries, he cannot get his hand to write. I find writing to be a bit like that. You cant force writing. It just does not work that way. You have to find something to inspire you.
For me, and for that previous writer I mentioned, I need to find someone to write to. I have to have someone in mind. Writing to a blind impersonal audience is fruitless and cold. Today I got an email from a valued friend.
She is also in a relationship with someone that has Avoidance and is struggling to make it work. She said something that caught my attention. She said that if the Avoidant cant find the right mate, they should stay single. This really got me to thinking on this.
If I had not found my wife, and stayed single, I am pretty sure that I would probably not be here. Its impossible to say for sure. Its like that old Star Trek movie. You just cant go back in time and undo things. If you could go back and change things, and then came back to the present, everything about who you are would have changed.
No, its best to accept what happened to you in the past as something that has groomed you into the person you are today, forgive or whatever you need to do, and put it behind you. You can choose to either take those things, good or bad, as learning experiences and grow from them, or you can choose to continue to whaler in the muck and mire of them.
For me, lots of bad things happened to me. But instead of letting them get me down, I choose to look at them as growing experiences. Today, I am a Pastor, run a 501c3 ministry; am married have a beautiful wonderful daughter, and more.
Things happened in my life that I would have preferred not to have happened. But if they did not happen, I might not have been driven to success. I might not have gotten married. I might not have had a daughter. I might not have the ministry and desire to help others that I have now.
All that to say that we all need to stop boobing about the past and be grateful. Sorry, sometimes the Pastor in me gets on his podium.
So where was I? Oh yeah, should an Avoidant stay single. Well, this person that emailed me made another great point. I know its hard, but dont settle for any relationship that comes along. Avoidant more than any others need to mare sure that she or he is the right one.
I got lucky and found just the right one. At times, I have not thought this, but she really is. If you are an Avoidant and dont have God in your life, you need him. Trust me. Its critical.
I am not usually that aggressive when it comes to telling people about God. Maybe I need to be. For normals, there is one level of need. For Avoidants, its a whole other level way beyond what a normal needs. A normal needs God for sure. But a person that is Avoidant, I cant see any way that you can live without God in your life. Its thats important.
Any mate that an Avoidant finds MUST be a Christian. Without God in their life, I think it will be impossible to be able to empathize with the Avoidant and really understand them. You may be able to make it for a while, but having God to lean on and rely on is CRITICAL!!
But that still does not really answer the question of should an Avoidant just stay single. What if the Avoidant just cant find that perfect person? To that I would say to not give up. You know, the difference between successful and unsuccessful people is giving up.
People that find success in their lives are the ones that did not give up. No matter how many times they fail, they just get up, dust themselves off, and start all over again.
The people that are not successful are the ones that let life, people, and their friends and family, convince them that they cant do something and to just give up and lay down and die. By the way, that comes out of the book of Job. Jobs friends told him that God was against him, so he should just give up.
Dont do that no matter how long it takes. If you have not found that person yet, find others that you can talk to. Finding other Avoidants is the best way as often they are they only ones that will really understand you. If you dont wait on just the right person and settle for less that what God has for you, you will regret it. You will be stuck in an awful marriage with someone that does not get you and has no patience for this Avoidant crap.
So I guess the answer to the question is both yes and no.
If you can find the right person, get married. As an Avoidant, you need the support of someone that can understand you . Not having someone like this will be very very hard. But getting into a relationship with someone that just does not understand you will be worse. Unless God can get in there and work it out for you, chances are that it will end in divorce.
Save yourself the hardship and wait on the right person.
The Avoidant spouse has to be a very special person. It has to be someone with great empathy and patience. I have said it a million times and I will keep on saying it. In an Avoidants life, its baby Steps. It takes a long time to get anywhere. I dont mean to sound harsh, but neither do I want to blow smoke up anyone's butt.
Its tuff being an Avoidant, but its even tougher being the mate of one. If you are thinking about being in a relationship with an Avoidant, make sure that you count the cost before you leap. It can be very very good, but it will take time and a lot of work.
So should an Avoidant stay single if they cant find the right person. My answer is no. Unless an Avoidant as a good support system, I cant see how they will make it. Again, not trying to be pessimistic, but I think this is just reality. An Avoidant must have God in his or her life. An Avoidant must have people in their life. An Avoidant need a mate.
With God anything is possible though. The key is that you need a support system of some sort. More later
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
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