How I have been able to cope with Avpd

How I cope with Avoidant Personality (Avpd)

My name is Phillip Dacus. I was born with Avoidant Personality (Avpd), as everyone that suffers from it is. Avpd is a disease. Like physical diseases, it can lie dormant in the body for years. Typically, Avpd does not rear its ugly head until the late teens or early adulthood. Everyone is different though, so different people have different stories as to when and how it started. Click here to read about these differences.

I have been working with others that have Avpd and similar disorders for 10 years. I get emails from people all over the world. Mostly I am contacted by what I call Normals that are trying to be in a relationship with someone that they know, or suspect, has Avpd.

The most common question I get is how did I overcome Avpd.

Before I start, I need to tell you that there is just no way that I can post my entire story here. It would require a book to tell you everything that I have gone through over the course of the last 40 years. By the way, this is exactly what I am in the process of doing. I hope to soon have my book ready. I am also working on some on-line classes that you can take.

What I will give you here is an overview of my story. I will go into detail on all this in my classes and book.

Though I did not know it at the time, I was born with Avpd. It is funny how clear things become in hindsight. I probably got my Avpd from my mom, which is typical. Avpd is usually handed down genetically from a family member. I have 2 brothers. One of them, though not diagnosed with Avpd, almost surely has it too.

I had a pretty typical childhood, though I cant remember most of it. I had Epilepsy as a child, so it was probably the Epilepsy that resulted in the memory loss. The 1st time I noticed the start of my Avpd was in High School, which was my mid to late teens. As a male, I never liked the normal things a guy should like. I hated working on cars, I did not like girls (though in secret I did, they just scared me so I avoided them), and I did not like sports. So I was accused of being gay.

My way of dealing with this lie was to hide. I was a hermit in high school. A few years after getting out of school, I went into the Air Force. I got stationed in England, which is what I wanted. I was so terrified of girls that I would get physically ill when anywhere close to them. This led me to being a hermit in the military as well. While in the Air Force, I went to see a psychiatrist for help with my fears. They tested me and officially diagnosed me with Avpd.

There was a very traumatic event that happened while I was in the military that greatly exacerbated my Avpd. In fact, I would say that it put it into overdrive. I dont have the room to go into my story here, but will address this in detail in my book and in my classes.

To make a long story short, I struggled for many years after the military with my Avpd. God brought a lady (now my wife Rebecca) into my life. We met over the phone, which in my case, was the only way it could have worked. I lived in Texas at the time, which is where I was born. Rebecca and I hit it off, so she flew down to Texas to pick me up and we drove back together. We got married 15 years ago.

I treated my wife very badly for the 1st 13 years of our marriage. I will give you an example of just how much of a jerk I was. My wife was pregnant at the time. We were driving in the car and had a bad fight. I pulled over and made her get out of the car and walk home.

The only reason why my wife stayed is because God told her to. During these years, I did a lot of writing in a blog that I created. I found writing to be very good therapy. If you want to read my blog, here is the link to it.

There are a lot of other things that added up to my healing. Things like;

Admitting I had a problem
Understanding myself
My wife understanding me
Identifying traps
Exposure Therapy
Finding truth
Not giving up
Reading, taking classes and understanding how Avpd works
Nutrition
A great understanding and patient wife
Teaching others
Reading the Bible and letting God work on me through His word
Prayer

Admitting I had a problem
Just like with Alcoholics, Drug Addicts, or anything else like this, the 1st step in the healing process is to admit that you have a problem. I can be pretty stubborn at times. Just ask my wife. As humans, we dont like to admit that we are flawed and Avpd is a pretty huge flaw. Avpd is very tough because as someone with Avpd I already thought that I was horrible and worthless. For someone that is "Normal" to try to tell them that they have a problem is something they wont want to hear. In fact, if not done carefully, it will do a lot more harm than good.

Understanding
I had to understand myself 1st. I had swallowed the lies hook line and sinker. One of these lies is that I was the only defective person in the universe. I was all alone and therefore, not worth fixing because I was the only one like this.

My wife Understanding me
My wife needed to come to a place where she understood me and had empathy for me. When we 1st got married, my wife had no clue about Avpd. She would tell me all the time to "Just Get over it". Once she understood Avpd, she realized that this was not possible. She became very patient with me, kind and understanding.

Identifying Traps
There are many traps and behaviors that I had to identify. Key triggers that set off Avpd behaviors. These needed to be identified, and once identified, avoided.

Exposure therapy
One of the things that scared me was going to the mall. I felt overwhelmed and helpless. These fears needed to be faced and the anxiety dealt with.

Finding truth
One of the biggest issues that I faced with Avpd was undoing the lies that I had accepted as truth. For example, one of these lies is that you are all alone. The truth is that Avpd is a disorder that effects millions of people all over the world.

Never Giving Up
My journey with Avpd took me 50 years to complete. While it is very possible to complete the journey sooner and find that healing quicker, there is no magic pill for healing Avpd. Im not going to blow smoke by telling you that you can be free of Avpd tomorrow. It is possible, but more often than not it requires a lot of work over a long period of time. The key here is to be patient and never give up!

Reading..Taking Classes and Understanding How Avpd Works
I have read a lot about Avpd. I have taken a lot of classes on Avpd, depression and similar disorders.

Nutrition
This may seem like a small thing, but it is fact one of the biggeest. Getting proper nutrition is a key element to healing. Your body is just like a cars engine. Your cars engine requires oil, which is its lubrication. Without this lubrication, your car will quit running. Put in good quality oil and changing it on a regular basis will keep your car running smoothly and efficiently. The same with your body, mind, and Spirit. Proper nutrition is needed in order for them to work properly. Garbage in, garbage out.

If you eat nothing but junk, your body, mind and Spirit will suffer and may even quit on you.

A Great Understanding Partner
As I pointed out above, finding a partner that understands Avpd, or at least tries hard, is critical. I listed this twice because it is so very important. If you are a Normal in a relationship with someone that has Avpd, or you suspect has Avpd, you need to start right now working on learning as much as you can about Avpd and how to deal with your partner that has it.

Teaching Others
The old saying is that the best way to figure something out is to start teaching others. When I started helping others, I learned a lot about healing up the things in my life that still needed some attention.

Reading the Bible, and Letting God Work On Me Through His Word
Please make note here that I did not say anything about going to Church. Few, if any, Churches know how to deal with mental disorders. It is not there fault, it is just not something that Church leadership has not been taught. The Church does a great job at helping with healing physical things like Back issues, Cancer, and other ailments like this, but when it comes to the mind, the Church seems lost.

I put this toward the bottom of this list intentionally. In reality, it is the most important step, but I dont want anyone to not start the healing process because they do not believe in God.

Prayer
Again, I listed this one at the bottom of this list on purpose. Prayer is critical in the healing process. It would be like having a Ford Expedition, but refusing to talk to Ford about the malfunction in your car because you don't believe the Ford Motor Company exists.

Even someone that does not like Ford would take their Expedition to a place that works on Fords to get it fixed. Same with God. Even if you do not believe in God, let God help you. You are His child. He is not going to turn you away just because you don't believe in him, or even like him. This does not mean that you have to sign on the dotted line committing to going to Church every Sunday. Just talk to God and ask God for help.


This is just the tip of the iceberg. If you want to know more, you are going to have to wait until my classes or my book is done. But in the meantime, you are more than welcome to write to me with questions.



This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.

Helping others with Avpd and Normals that are trying to be in a relatoinship with someone with Avd

I am working hard on developing classes for those with Avpd and similar disorders. The class will also be for those that are trying to be in a relationship with someone that has Avpd or similar. I hope to have these up and running soon.

I am also working on a book as well that I hope to have up by the end of the year. There are sooo many of you out there that have Avpd, think you have have Avpd, or you are trying desperately to be in a relationship with someone that has Avpd. The main thing I want to say to all of you out there is Never Give up!

I know its hard. I wanted to give up many a time myself. But if I had given up, I would not be in a place now where I can help others find hope and healing from Avpd. And I would not now have a successful marriage and a thriving daughter. So please stay tuned, I wil have more soon.





This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.