You know, I get asked a lot about writing. How to do it, what motivates and inspires me. I read of another writer once that faced the same questions. He said something that has always stuck with me. This is a side not by the way.
If I sit down at my computer and just tell myself to write, I usually draw a blank and will end up just staring at a blank screen. Its a bit like that Jim Carey movie Liar Liar. Carey cant tell a lie. So he decides to write it instead. Trouble is that he cant even write a lie.
So he puts his knee on his hand and tells his hand to write a lie or he will break it off. Well, no matter what Carey tries, he cannot get his hand to write. I find writing to be a bit like that. You cant force writing. It just does not work that way. You have to find something to inspire you.
For me, and for that previous writer I mentioned, I need to find someone to write to. I have to have someone in mind. Writing to a blind impersonal audience is fruitless and cold. Today I got an email from a valued friend.
She is also in a relationship with someone that has Avoidance and is struggling to make it work. She said something that caught my attention. She said that if the Avoidant cant find the right mate, they should stay single. This really got me to thinking on this.
If I had not found my wife, and stayed single, I am pretty sure that I would probably not be here. Its impossible to say for sure. Its like that old Star Trek movie. You just cant go back in time and undo things. If you could go back and change things, and then came back to the present, everything about who you are would have changed.
No, its best to accept what happened to you in the past as something that has groomed you into the person you are today, forgive or whatever you need to do, and put it behind you. You can choose to either take those things, good or bad, as learning experiences and grow from them, or you can choose to continue to whaler in the muck and mire of them.
For me, lots of bad things happened to me. But instead of letting them get me down, I choose to look at them as growing experiences. Today, I am a Pastor, run a 501c3 ministry; am married have a beautiful wonderful daughter, and more.
Things happened in my life that I would have preferred not to have happened. But if they did not happen, I might not have been driven to success. I might not have gotten married. I might not have had a daughter. I might not have the ministry and desire to help others that I have now.
All that to say that we all need to stop boobing about the past and be grateful. Sorry, sometimes the Pastor in me gets on his podium.
So where was I? Oh yeah, should an Avoidant stay single. Well, this person that emailed me made another great point. I know its hard, but dont settle for any relationship that comes along. Avoidant more than any others need to mare sure that she or he is the right one.
I got lucky and found just the right one. At times, I have not thought this, but she really is. If you are an Avoidant and dont have God in your life, you need him. Trust me. Its critical.
I am not usually that aggressive when it comes to telling people about God. Maybe I need to be. For normals, there is one level of need. For Avoidants, its a whole other level way beyond what a normal needs. A normal needs God for sure. But a person that is Avoidant, I cant see any way that you can live without God in your life. Its thats important.
Any mate that an Avoidant finds MUST be a Christian. Without God in their life, I think it will be impossible to be able to empathize with the Avoidant and really understand them. You may be able to make it for a while, but having God to lean on and rely on is CRITICAL!!
But that still does not really answer the question of should an Avoidant just stay single. What if the Avoidant just cant find that perfect person? To that I would say to not give up. You know, the difference between successful and unsuccessful people is giving up.
People that find success in their lives are the ones that did not give up. No matter how many times they fail, they just get up, dust themselves off, and start all over again.
The people that are not successful are the ones that let life, people, and their friends and family, convince them that they cant do something and to just give up and lay down and die. By the way, that comes out of the book of Job. Jobs friends told him that God was against him, so he should just give up.
Dont do that no matter how long it takes. If you have not found that person yet, find others that you can talk to. Finding other Avoidants is the best way as often they are they only ones that will really understand you. If you dont wait on just the right person and settle for less that what God has for you, you will regret it. You will be stuck in an awful marriage with someone that does not get you and has no patience for this Avoidant crap.
So I guess the answer to the question is both yes and no.
If you can find the right person, get married. As an Avoidant, you need the support of someone that can understand you . Not having someone like this will be very very hard. But getting into a relationship with someone that just does not understand you will be worse. Unless God can get in there and work it out for you, chances are that it will end in divorce.
Save yourself the hardship and wait on the right person.
The Avoidant spouse has to be a very special person. It has to be someone with great empathy and patience. I have said it a million times and I will keep on saying it. In an Avoidants life, its baby Steps. It takes a long time to get anywhere. I dont mean to sound harsh, but neither do I want to blow smoke up anyone's butt.
Its tuff being an Avoidant, but its even tougher being the mate of one. If you are thinking about being in a relationship with an Avoidant, make sure that you count the cost before you leap. It can be very very good, but it will take time and a lot of work.
So should an Avoidant stay single if they cant find the right person. My answer is no. Unless an Avoidant as a good support system, I cant see how they will make it. Again, not trying to be pessimistic, but I think this is just reality. An Avoidant must have God in his or her life. An Avoidant must have people in their life. An Avoidant need a mate.
With God anything is possible though. The key is that you need a support system of some sort. More later
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Avoidant Personality
Friday, March 6, 2015
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Avoiding Life
I have been working on my book on Avoidants for a while now. I was in Church on Sunday and this name came to me. I think its simple enough and explains what I want to talk about.
I am writing this book because its needed. There just are not any books out there that are for Avoidants that are written by actual Avoidants. Most all the books I have seen are boring descriptions that are written by Psychiatrists and other professionals that have never lived Avoidnace.
They can only talk about their experience dealing with Avoidants and other things that they have learned from books. I am planning on having a good part of the book devoted to being in a relationship with an Avoidant. Either yourself being the Avoidant, or the other person.
This is by far what I get the most emails on. I am married to what I call a Normal. Normal meaning that she is not an Avoidant. Marriage is hard enough as it is. A relationship between a normal an an Avoidant is....well, in the words of Agent K from "The Men in Black"; "that's double tuff".
Its not impossible by any means, but it is hard. If you are in a relationship with an Avoidant and think that everything is Hunky Dorey, be careful. I am not saying that its not possible for everything to be running smoothly, but it requires a lot of work.
Often in these relationships, the Avoidant is the last to know something is wrong. This can build up until its too late and the relationship ends. Often the Avoidant goes his, or her way scratching their head in disbelief. My advice for any marriage, but especially for the Avoidant marriage, is eternal vigilance and be proactive.
Don't wait until the relationship is on the rocks. If you want your relationship to make it, talk things out. Avoidants avoid. We keep things inside until they blow up like one of those old fashioned tea kettles that blow steam and whistle when the water is ready.
Just like those Idiot Lights on cars, if you wait until that other person tells you that something is wrong, it might already be too late. That was not what I originally had planed on saying today, but it must be needed. If you have a story, or a question, or a thought, I would love to hear from you.
I wont use anything you send to me in the book without your permission.
Well, I had better go.
Go with God and go without the Avoidant!
Phillip
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
I am writing this book because its needed. There just are not any books out there that are for Avoidants that are written by actual Avoidants. Most all the books I have seen are boring descriptions that are written by Psychiatrists and other professionals that have never lived Avoidnace.
They can only talk about their experience dealing with Avoidants and other things that they have learned from books. I am planning on having a good part of the book devoted to being in a relationship with an Avoidant. Either yourself being the Avoidant, or the other person.
This is by far what I get the most emails on. I am married to what I call a Normal. Normal meaning that she is not an Avoidant. Marriage is hard enough as it is. A relationship between a normal an an Avoidant is....well, in the words of Agent K from "The Men in Black"; "that's double tuff".
Its not impossible by any means, but it is hard. If you are in a relationship with an Avoidant and think that everything is Hunky Dorey, be careful. I am not saying that its not possible for everything to be running smoothly, but it requires a lot of work.
Often in these relationships, the Avoidant is the last to know something is wrong. This can build up until its too late and the relationship ends. Often the Avoidant goes his, or her way scratching their head in disbelief. My advice for any marriage, but especially for the Avoidant marriage, is eternal vigilance and be proactive.
Don't wait until the relationship is on the rocks. If you want your relationship to make it, talk things out. Avoidants avoid. We keep things inside until they blow up like one of those old fashioned tea kettles that blow steam and whistle when the water is ready.
Just like those Idiot Lights on cars, if you wait until that other person tells you that something is wrong, it might already be too late. That was not what I originally had planed on saying today, but it must be needed. If you have a story, or a question, or a thought, I would love to hear from you.
I wont use anything you send to me in the book without your permission.
Well, I had better go.
Go with God and go without the Avoidant!
Phillip
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
The Avoidant still rears its head
Update on the Avoidant. I try as best I can to isolate the Avoidant from myself. This is why I dont refer to myself as an Avoidant. I either refer directly to the Avoidant and then myself, or say that I have Avoidant Personality. I avoid saying that I am an Avoidant if that makes sense.
I know it might seem like a trivial distinction, but I think its an important one. The Avoidant, at least for me, is an odd animal. Its a bit like sin in general. Paul tells us that what he does not want to do, that he does. And the good things that he wants to do, these he does not do.
The Avoidant is like this. The bad Avoidant things that I dont want to do, these things I do. The good non-Avoidant things that I want to do, these things I dont do. One example is just last night. My wife and I are going to be running a small group with our Church. I find this exciting but also very scarry. Scared because my wife is also going to be involved. She is co-hosting it.
I want my wife to be involved, but her involvement scares me. I do not know what to expect. Back to the example. I was attempting to run this same small group at a different Church a couple years back. I had even gotten so far as to write up a syllabus for it.
That small group never happened, but when we decided to try again, I thought of that old doc I had. I figured I could update it and use it for this group. I found it and took it right to my wife before even doing any editing on it. She read it and said: What a snooze fest. And then began to write out and tell me her suggestions.
When she said those words; What a snooze fest, the Avoidant in me instantly shut down. I started playing with the cat. When she realized that I had tuned out, she got very mad. I cant blame her for that. I would have got mad too. How to fix these situations I dont know. Wish I did. But they keep coming up again and again and again.
Different scenarios, but the same sort of triggers. The Avoidant does not like rejection. Its pretty sensitive about that and it shuts down to protect itself from harm anytime anything even seems like its going to hurt. I have yet to figure out a way to prevent this from happening. Not sure if there is a 100% solution.
I have come a long long way with coming out of the Avoidant closet and finding healing. but Im not totally there yet. Someone messaged me with some thoughts and their struggles. I never mention names or anything like that, but I do want to address some things that they said.
I get letters, emails and such from other people that struggle with their Avoidant all the time. I love getting these and want to encourage anyone that is searching for answers to write. I am hoping to write a book soon and value the input from others.
This person is in a marriage that is in trouble. I wish I could say that this wont happen and does not happen. But the truth is that marriage is hard enough as it is. Add to that the additional issues of the Avoidant, and its beyond hard. I would love to hear from anyone out there that deals with Avoidance that has a good healthy successful marriage. Id love to know the secret. My wife and I go through ups and downs. Not very good ups and a lot of downs. Sometimes so far down that she leaves me. But so far, has always come back Thank God!!
So how an Avoidant should be in a successful marriage with a Normal. I wish I knew.
The other thing that really stuck out in this person message to me is their job. They said it was a very stressful job and a job that requires a lot of socialization and leadership ability. I wont speak to the leadership part expect to say like the socialization, this requires a huge amount of energy. At least if this person is an introvert, which I assume either by design, or because of the Avoidant, that all Avoidants are Introverts
Extroverts get energized by being around other people. They need to be around others. Being alone drains them and brings them down. Maybe not right away, but a study diet of being alone will make them feel depressed and not valuable and like they are not doing anything with their life. Extroverts do well in very social and demanding jobs.
Now Introverts are just the opposite. Introverts need to be alone. Not say that they always need to be alone, but they have to get away and spend alone time from time to time. Being around people drains the introvert. Whereas being alone energizes us. Being among people, drains us. The bigger the crowd, the quicker the drain.
A study diet of being among groups of people causes depression, anxiety, grumpiness and downright irritability. Now if an introvert can find times to get alone and reenergize, they can do this. But it requires a lot of balance and effort to manage this.
I work from home. Its both the best and worst thing. Its the best because I dont have to be around people, so I dont get drained. Its the worst because I get few opportunities to practice socialization. If I have to choose though, I am much happerier working from home. I would not trade it for a $30 an hour job.
I spent a long long time (many years) trying to fit into the corporate mold. I was not able to hold any of them. It was always just a matter of time before something blew up and I lost the job. I have hard hundreds of jobs in my lifetime. I cant even count, or even remember them all.
Now that I work from home, I have been here for about 8 years now and its still going well. So my personal recommendation would be to escape the madhouse. Find a way to work from home. You will be happerier for it. Another question was could being an Avoidant be Chemical? Well, technically, everything in our body is a result of a chemical reaction. But I know what you mean. I could not find any sort of relief for many many years.
Then one day I found some vitamins that worked. They took the edge off. Then I went to my doctor and he diagnosed be with a Thyroid problem. He put me on a lose dose thyroid medicine. Every since I stated on this, I have fell pretty good. I no longer take the vitamins. At least not regularly. I also eat fruit now, which I think also helps.
I have no proof, but I suspect that many people that have Avoidant, have a poor diet. I have heard from many that fit this, so that makes me think that diet may play at least a role here..
My bottom line is dont get a high stress, high profile and highly social job. You will likely get worse. I would find a way to be away from people and stress, but dont seclude yourself completely. Things in a persons life that deals with Avoidant goes slow. Baby steps like that movie "What about Bob".
If you suffer from Avoidant and have not watched that movie, I highly recommend it. It will help you understand yourself a bit. There is also a really good book called "Please Understand me". The 1st version, not the 2nd. The book is not about Avoidants. Its about personality Types. I highly recommend it.
He helped me a lot to get myself.
So there you have it.
Go with God, but go without the Avoidant!!
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
I know it might seem like a trivial distinction, but I think its an important one. The Avoidant, at least for me, is an odd animal. Its a bit like sin in general. Paul tells us that what he does not want to do, that he does. And the good things that he wants to do, these he does not do.
The Avoidant is like this. The bad Avoidant things that I dont want to do, these things I do. The good non-Avoidant things that I want to do, these things I dont do. One example is just last night. My wife and I are going to be running a small group with our Church. I find this exciting but also very scarry. Scared because my wife is also going to be involved. She is co-hosting it.
I want my wife to be involved, but her involvement scares me. I do not know what to expect. Back to the example. I was attempting to run this same small group at a different Church a couple years back. I had even gotten so far as to write up a syllabus for it.
That small group never happened, but when we decided to try again, I thought of that old doc I had. I figured I could update it and use it for this group. I found it and took it right to my wife before even doing any editing on it. She read it and said: What a snooze fest. And then began to write out and tell me her suggestions.
When she said those words; What a snooze fest, the Avoidant in me instantly shut down. I started playing with the cat. When she realized that I had tuned out, she got very mad. I cant blame her for that. I would have got mad too. How to fix these situations I dont know. Wish I did. But they keep coming up again and again and again.
Different scenarios, but the same sort of triggers. The Avoidant does not like rejection. Its pretty sensitive about that and it shuts down to protect itself from harm anytime anything even seems like its going to hurt. I have yet to figure out a way to prevent this from happening. Not sure if there is a 100% solution.
I have come a long long way with coming out of the Avoidant closet and finding healing. but Im not totally there yet. Someone messaged me with some thoughts and their struggles. I never mention names or anything like that, but I do want to address some things that they said.
I get letters, emails and such from other people that struggle with their Avoidant all the time. I love getting these and want to encourage anyone that is searching for answers to write. I am hoping to write a book soon and value the input from others.
This person is in a marriage that is in trouble. I wish I could say that this wont happen and does not happen. But the truth is that marriage is hard enough as it is. Add to that the additional issues of the Avoidant, and its beyond hard. I would love to hear from anyone out there that deals with Avoidance that has a good healthy successful marriage. Id love to know the secret. My wife and I go through ups and downs. Not very good ups and a lot of downs. Sometimes so far down that she leaves me. But so far, has always come back Thank God!!
So how an Avoidant should be in a successful marriage with a Normal. I wish I knew.
The other thing that really stuck out in this person message to me is their job. They said it was a very stressful job and a job that requires a lot of socialization and leadership ability. I wont speak to the leadership part expect to say like the socialization, this requires a huge amount of energy. At least if this person is an introvert, which I assume either by design, or because of the Avoidant, that all Avoidants are Introverts
Extroverts get energized by being around other people. They need to be around others. Being alone drains them and brings them down. Maybe not right away, but a study diet of being alone will make them feel depressed and not valuable and like they are not doing anything with their life. Extroverts do well in very social and demanding jobs.
Now Introverts are just the opposite. Introverts need to be alone. Not say that they always need to be alone, but they have to get away and spend alone time from time to time. Being around people drains the introvert. Whereas being alone energizes us. Being among people, drains us. The bigger the crowd, the quicker the drain.
A study diet of being among groups of people causes depression, anxiety, grumpiness and downright irritability. Now if an introvert can find times to get alone and reenergize, they can do this. But it requires a lot of balance and effort to manage this.
I work from home. Its both the best and worst thing. Its the best because I dont have to be around people, so I dont get drained. Its the worst because I get few opportunities to practice socialization. If I have to choose though, I am much happerier working from home. I would not trade it for a $30 an hour job.
I spent a long long time (many years) trying to fit into the corporate mold. I was not able to hold any of them. It was always just a matter of time before something blew up and I lost the job. I have hard hundreds of jobs in my lifetime. I cant even count, or even remember them all.
Now that I work from home, I have been here for about 8 years now and its still going well. So my personal recommendation would be to escape the madhouse. Find a way to work from home. You will be happerier for it. Another question was could being an Avoidant be Chemical? Well, technically, everything in our body is a result of a chemical reaction. But I know what you mean. I could not find any sort of relief for many many years.
Then one day I found some vitamins that worked. They took the edge off. Then I went to my doctor and he diagnosed be with a Thyroid problem. He put me on a lose dose thyroid medicine. Every since I stated on this, I have fell pretty good. I no longer take the vitamins. At least not regularly. I also eat fruit now, which I think also helps.
I have no proof, but I suspect that many people that have Avoidant, have a poor diet. I have heard from many that fit this, so that makes me think that diet may play at least a role here..
My bottom line is dont get a high stress, high profile and highly social job. You will likely get worse. I would find a way to be away from people and stress, but dont seclude yourself completely. Things in a persons life that deals with Avoidant goes slow. Baby steps like that movie "What about Bob".
If you suffer from Avoidant and have not watched that movie, I highly recommend it. It will help you understand yourself a bit. There is also a really good book called "Please Understand me". The 1st version, not the 2nd. The book is not about Avoidants. Its about personality Types. I highly recommend it.
He helped me a lot to get myself.
So there you have it.
Go with God, but go without the Avoidant!!
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Normals and Avoidant Personalities - Ask and lets find out what the other is thinking.
I have Avoidant Personality (Avpd). That makes it a bit difficult to put myself in the shoes of someone that does not have this. Its the old story of walking a mile in another persons shoes. Often, we cant really understand what another person is going through until we have had the same problem.
Its the same with Avoidant Personality. I find it very hard to be able to figure out how "Normals" think, what they go through and what they have to put up with. Of course, we can turn that around on them and say the exact same thing. Few Normals can put themselves in the shoes of one that suffers from Avoidant Personality and be able to think like them, and empathize with them.
My wife is the exception to this. Well, at least to a point. I dont think its possible to completely get what its like living with Avoidant Personality. But, she is tries as best she can and I think she has picked up on a lot. Most of that insight came to her in the form of communication from God.
I am not sure its really possible to get this in any other way. Oh sure, one can learn what its like from books, from professionals and even in schools. But until you have had Avpd, its hard, if not impossible to really get it. The best way that a Normal can figure out what life is life to a Avpd is to learn it from God.
God can put it in your heart. God can give Normals the understanding and the empathy for Avoidants. Head knowledge is like the belt they wear in Martial Arts. The only thing a belt is good for is to hold up your pants. The only thing that Head Knowledge is good for is getting you a good paying job and maybe impressing people at parties.
All this to say that I want to understand Normals. No, thats not a trick question. I want to know what its like for a Normal that is trying to live with someone that has Avpd. What sort of questions would you ask a Normal that is trying as hard as they can, and either finding it very hard or right out failing, to be in a relationship with someone that has AvpD?
If we ask each other some honest questions, I think we can learn to understand each other. If we learn to understand each other, thats a good start toward being able to not only tolerate each other, but even having a successful relationship.
I have 3 things for you today.
#1 I set up a Facebook group for Avoidants and those that want to learn to live with someone that has this.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/AvoidantPersonality
#2 I have a web site, that is still being worked on. Eventually, I want to get all the info I can find on Avoidants, possible help for Avoidants, and help for those that are trying to be in a relationship with one.
http://avoidants.org
#3 Normals - If you have questions that you would like to ask someone that has Avpd, please send them to me, I will get them answered. Please let me know when you email if you do, or do not, wish me to use your question to help others. I respect your privacy and will never use your real name or contact info.
Avoidants - If you have questions that you would like to ask a normal, please send them to me and I will get them answered. Please let me know when you email if you do, or do not, wish me to use your question to help others. I respect your privacy and will never use your real name or contact info.
If we learn how the other ticks, we will making the 1st step toward understanding each other!
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Its the same with Avoidant Personality. I find it very hard to be able to figure out how "Normals" think, what they go through and what they have to put up with. Of course, we can turn that around on them and say the exact same thing. Few Normals can put themselves in the shoes of one that suffers from Avoidant Personality and be able to think like them, and empathize with them.
My wife is the exception to this. Well, at least to a point. I dont think its possible to completely get what its like living with Avoidant Personality. But, she is tries as best she can and I think she has picked up on a lot. Most of that insight came to her in the form of communication from God.
I am not sure its really possible to get this in any other way. Oh sure, one can learn what its like from books, from professionals and even in schools. But until you have had Avpd, its hard, if not impossible to really get it. The best way that a Normal can figure out what life is life to a Avpd is to learn it from God.
God can put it in your heart. God can give Normals the understanding and the empathy for Avoidants. Head knowledge is like the belt they wear in Martial Arts. The only thing a belt is good for is to hold up your pants. The only thing that Head Knowledge is good for is getting you a good paying job and maybe impressing people at parties.
All this to say that I want to understand Normals. No, thats not a trick question. I want to know what its like for a Normal that is trying to live with someone that has Avpd. What sort of questions would you ask a Normal that is trying as hard as they can, and either finding it very hard or right out failing, to be in a relationship with someone that has AvpD?
If we ask each other some honest questions, I think we can learn to understand each other. If we learn to understand each other, thats a good start toward being able to not only tolerate each other, but even having a successful relationship.
I have 3 things for you today.
#1 I set up a Facebook group for Avoidants and those that want to learn to live with someone that has this.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/AvoidantPersonality
#2 I have a web site, that is still being worked on. Eventually, I want to get all the info I can find on Avoidants, possible help for Avoidants, and help for those that are trying to be in a relationship with one.
http://avoidants.org
#3 Normals - If you have questions that you would like to ask someone that has Avpd, please send them to me, I will get them answered. Please let me know when you email if you do, or do not, wish me to use your question to help others. I respect your privacy and will never use your real name or contact info.
Avoidants - If you have questions that you would like to ask a normal, please send them to me and I will get them answered. Please let me know when you email if you do, or do not, wish me to use your question to help others. I respect your privacy and will never use your real name or contact info.
If we learn how the other ticks, we will making the 1st step toward understanding each other!
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Is there anyone out there?
I have been writing in my blog for several years now. Some days are good, some days are bad. The majority of them are just ok. My wife calls it "Living by Default" I might call it "Living on Auto Pilot"
Day after day after day is pretty much the same. I get up, I go to work, I get off work, eat supper and watch TV. Oh sure. I am a Pastor, but most days, I dont feel like one. In fact some days, I barely feel like a Christian or that I have any connection to God at all.
I probably should not say this, but I even wonder at times if he is even there. Rationally, intelligently, and logically, I know he must be there. To believe that this world, us, and the universe just poofed into existence without there being an intelligence behind it, is just plain nuts.
Of course there is a God. The question I ask, and I think most ask, at least at some point in their lives, is; "How much is God really involved in the day to day operation of our lives and this world?" I ask myself this question a lot.
I have not come up with a good answer for it. I say a good answer because I know the answer that I am leaning toward. This its not an answer that I think many are going to want to hear, or accecpt. And who knows, I could well be wrong. I have been wrong a lot in my life and I am sure, I will be wrong more in the days and years to come.
God is there. Sure he is. Thats a given, but just how much is he involved in our lives and in the lives of this world? Well, we are told that God has the very number of hairs on your head numbered? Really? Does God have nothing better to do than sit around and count the hairs on peoples heads?
Sounds pretty boring and monotonous to me. Of course these days, I seem to have a few less than I used to, so maybe it would not take that long. I think what God is trying to say here is that he cares. Im pretty sure that you would really have to care a lot about someone to take the time to count hairs on their body. I would not even do that for my wife!
So God cares! Well, duh...
This still does not tell me how much he is involved and how much he intervenes in our lives. The longer I live here in this earth, the more I think that we dont need God and Satan to make our lives better or worse. We do a pretty good job of that all by ourselves. I am sure that God and Satan applies influences at times, but for the most part, I think things in our lives and this world are on a sort of auto pilot.
Take that commercial that you see on TV. A gal parks her car on the side of a busy street and opens up her car door to get out. A car comes screaming by and takes her car door off its hinges. Now, was this Gods fault? Was this Satan's fault?
Sure God or Satan could have intervened and caused this car to come by just as she opened up her car's door, but chances are that neither of them had a thing to do with it. As humans, we do dumb things. This is the moral of that TV commercial.
We really don't need any help from either God or Satan to get us to do dumb things, we can do dumbness all by ourselves!
Its like that movie by Madia, I can do bad all my myself..
When God created the world, he set certain things in motion. He put rules, and principles in place to govern how to world, the universe, and us, work. Gravity for example. God does not wake up in the morning and say to himself; Darn, I forgot to turn gravity on today. People are starting to float away. I had better do something about that"
No, gravity just works. God does not have to do a cotton pickin thing for it to work. Another example are our hearts. God does not get up in the morning and say; "DagNabit, I had better turn on Sam's heart soon before the poor old guy falls over. I knew I was forgetting something". No, Sam's heart just works with no influence or action from Sam, God, Satan, or anyone else.
Lets take another example for example. I hate summer time. Always have. Every year comes along and I pray to God to please see me through another year of heat. I prefer the cold and I am not alone in this. But there are just as many people out there that are praying to keep summer around because they hate the cold.
What is God to do with prayers like this?
If God was to cancel Summer and move right to Winter, he is going to make enemies of the people that like to summer and are praying for it to stay. If God keeps summer going and cancels Winter, he makes enemies of the people that love the winter. So to make everyone happy, God stays out of it and is Neutral like Switzerland.
You can see the same in any good manager or business owner. Its not possible to make everyone happy, so the best course of action is usually to not even try. Just let things happen as they are going to happen. I think in many things in this world, the universe, and our lives, God takes the same stance of Neutrality.
God even tells us as much in Matthew 5:45 and in many other places. God is telling us that he does not take sides. That good things and bad things fall on both good and bad people. Its a bad idea to take sides. Same applies to people that have kids. Its a very bad idea to favor one child over the other. You just cant do something for 1 and not do it for the other. So often, its best to just stay neutral and let the chips fall where they will fall.
Sure, God gives favor to those that follow him. Psalm 84:11. But that favor does not mean that we will live a live with no pain, and no problems. In fact, God told us just the opposite. John 16:33 tells us that we will have trouble in this world. In fact, when we become Christians, we are going to face even more. 2 Timothy 3:12.
Am I saying that God does not care and he does not intervene when he can? Of course Im not. God cares and does take care of his Children. Often when you have a child, and that Child is in trouble, the best thing that you can do is nothing at all.
Sit back and let things just happen the way they were meant to happen. This is how we learn and grow. If God was to step in and take control of every little issue and problem that we faced and work it out for us, we would never learn how to do it ourselves!
So is God up there? Of course he is. But he often chooses not to interfere but just stay neutral. Its for our own good.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Day after day after day is pretty much the same. I get up, I go to work, I get off work, eat supper and watch TV. Oh sure. I am a Pastor, but most days, I dont feel like one. In fact some days, I barely feel like a Christian or that I have any connection to God at all.
I probably should not say this, but I even wonder at times if he is even there. Rationally, intelligently, and logically, I know he must be there. To believe that this world, us, and the universe just poofed into existence without there being an intelligence behind it, is just plain nuts.
Of course there is a God. The question I ask, and I think most ask, at least at some point in their lives, is; "How much is God really involved in the day to day operation of our lives and this world?" I ask myself this question a lot.
I have not come up with a good answer for it. I say a good answer because I know the answer that I am leaning toward. This its not an answer that I think many are going to want to hear, or accecpt. And who knows, I could well be wrong. I have been wrong a lot in my life and I am sure, I will be wrong more in the days and years to come.
God is there. Sure he is. Thats a given, but just how much is he involved in our lives and in the lives of this world? Well, we are told that God has the very number of hairs on your head numbered? Really? Does God have nothing better to do than sit around and count the hairs on peoples heads?
Sounds pretty boring and monotonous to me. Of course these days, I seem to have a few less than I used to, so maybe it would not take that long. I think what God is trying to say here is that he cares. Im pretty sure that you would really have to care a lot about someone to take the time to count hairs on their body. I would not even do that for my wife!
So God cares! Well, duh...
This still does not tell me how much he is involved and how much he intervenes in our lives. The longer I live here in this earth, the more I think that we dont need God and Satan to make our lives better or worse. We do a pretty good job of that all by ourselves. I am sure that God and Satan applies influences at times, but for the most part, I think things in our lives and this world are on a sort of auto pilot.
Take that commercial that you see on TV. A gal parks her car on the side of a busy street and opens up her car door to get out. A car comes screaming by and takes her car door off its hinges. Now, was this Gods fault? Was this Satan's fault?
Sure God or Satan could have intervened and caused this car to come by just as she opened up her car's door, but chances are that neither of them had a thing to do with it. As humans, we do dumb things. This is the moral of that TV commercial.
We really don't need any help from either God or Satan to get us to do dumb things, we can do dumbness all by ourselves!
Its like that movie by Madia, I can do bad all my myself..
When God created the world, he set certain things in motion. He put rules, and principles in place to govern how to world, the universe, and us, work. Gravity for example. God does not wake up in the morning and say to himself; Darn, I forgot to turn gravity on today. People are starting to float away. I had better do something about that"
No, gravity just works. God does not have to do a cotton pickin thing for it to work. Another example are our hearts. God does not get up in the morning and say; "DagNabit, I had better turn on Sam's heart soon before the poor old guy falls over. I knew I was forgetting something". No, Sam's heart just works with no influence or action from Sam, God, Satan, or anyone else.
Lets take another example for example. I hate summer time. Always have. Every year comes along and I pray to God to please see me through another year of heat. I prefer the cold and I am not alone in this. But there are just as many people out there that are praying to keep summer around because they hate the cold.
What is God to do with prayers like this?
If God was to cancel Summer and move right to Winter, he is going to make enemies of the people that like to summer and are praying for it to stay. If God keeps summer going and cancels Winter, he makes enemies of the people that love the winter. So to make everyone happy, God stays out of it and is Neutral like Switzerland.
You can see the same in any good manager or business owner. Its not possible to make everyone happy, so the best course of action is usually to not even try. Just let things happen as they are going to happen. I think in many things in this world, the universe, and our lives, God takes the same stance of Neutrality.
God even tells us as much in Matthew 5:45 and in many other places. God is telling us that he does not take sides. That good things and bad things fall on both good and bad people. Its a bad idea to take sides. Same applies to people that have kids. Its a very bad idea to favor one child over the other. You just cant do something for 1 and not do it for the other. So often, its best to just stay neutral and let the chips fall where they will fall.
Sure, God gives favor to those that follow him. Psalm 84:11. But that favor does not mean that we will live a live with no pain, and no problems. In fact, God told us just the opposite. John 16:33 tells us that we will have trouble in this world. In fact, when we become Christians, we are going to face even more. 2 Timothy 3:12.
Am I saying that God does not care and he does not intervene when he can? Of course Im not. God cares and does take care of his Children. Often when you have a child, and that Child is in trouble, the best thing that you can do is nothing at all.
Sit back and let things just happen the way they were meant to happen. This is how we learn and grow. If God was to step in and take control of every little issue and problem that we faced and work it out for us, we would never learn how to do it ourselves!
So is God up there? Of course he is. But he often chooses not to interfere but just stay neutral. Its for our own good.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Can an Avoidant be in a successful marriage or relationship?
I hear from Avoidants all over the world. The vast majority of emails that I get are from what I call "Normals" that are struggling to be in a relationship with an Avoidant, or someone that they suspect is an Avoidant. For clarification, a Normal is someone that is not an Avoidant.
For someone that is Normal, trying to be in a relationship with someone that is an Avoidant is beyond hard, and might even seem downright impossible. As Avoidants, we tend to think about ourselves a lot. We have the "Woe is Me" syndrome probably more so than most other aliments.
The problem with being an Avoidant is magnified due to the fact that the issue is in the head. That means that its invisible, unlike other problems that can be seen like Cancer. Of course this does not make Avoidance any less real. But most Normals see Avidants are just needing to Get Over It!
Being an Avoidant is seen as something that we could get over if we really tried. Just like the person that has cancer, its not that easy. A person with Cancer cant just will themselves to not have Cancer. Neither can a person that is an Avoidant just will themselves to quit being an Avoidant.
This is the very first thing that any Normal person in a relationship with an Avoidant must come to terms with. Being an Avoidant is really no different than someone with a physical issue like Cancer. Being an Avoidant is just as real, just as debilitating, just as difficult, and can be just as deadly to a marriage.
My wife is wonderful. She is wise beyond her years and very understanding. She was sent her on this earth to be my mate and look out after me. Of course, God is the one that saved our marriage. But my wife is the one that had to listen to him and understand what he was trying to tell her about Avoidants and about me.
As a Normal, my wife has a huge challenge. She tries as best she can to understand me and Get it. My wife is a Christian as am I. One day when she was at her wits end because I was being a difficult Avoidant, she turned to God. She prayed and God gave her understanding, and empathy. I cant say that she completely understands, but she tries really hard.
If it had not been for this, I am pretty sure that we would not be together today. The other thing that saved our marriage was Vitamins. I know that might sound a bit simple, but it worked for us. We looked for a long time to find something that worked.
Before, I was not nice, to put it nicely. I was a down right Jerk to my wife. I tried acupuncture, Chinese medicine, and many other things in an effort to find one that would help. I have a poor diet. I dont eat vegetables and little to no fruit. I am mostly a meat and potatoes kind of guy.
I have always thought that the lack of proper nutrition might be all, or at least part, of the problem. Weather it was a cause of the Avoidance, I had no clue, but I was willing to try most anything. My wife used to take a vitamin called Advocare. No I want to say right up front that I do not sell Advocare, nor am I saying that Advocare cures Avoidance.
All I am saying is that it worked for me. Its quite possible that there are other vitamins out there that also might be effective. What I can say for sure is that when I do not take my vitamins, I fell awful the way I used to back when I was a Jerk.
I tend to live by the saying that if it aint broke, dont fix it. These vitamins work for me. I spent a long long time looking for something that did. I have seen some research that suggest that depression, and other such issues might be helped by certain nutrients.
I think it quite possible that there is a certain element, or nutrient that is lacking in the body or brain that is either causing Avoidants or at least making it worse. So to anyone out there that is in a relationship with an Avoidant, or someone you think might be an Avoidant, dont give up!
If you are a Christian, pray and ask God for help.
If you are not a Christian, pray and ask God for help.
Try to understand that person that you are with and why they struggle and act like they do
Try to find out if that person has a good diet. Weather they have a good diet, or not, consider giving them a good quality vitamin supplement.
If you have a story that you would like to share with me and/or others, please send it to Phillip@NeedsMet.us.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
For someone that is Normal, trying to be in a relationship with someone that is an Avoidant is beyond hard, and might even seem downright impossible. As Avoidants, we tend to think about ourselves a lot. We have the "Woe is Me" syndrome probably more so than most other aliments.
The problem with being an Avoidant is magnified due to the fact that the issue is in the head. That means that its invisible, unlike other problems that can be seen like Cancer. Of course this does not make Avoidance any less real. But most Normals see Avidants are just needing to Get Over It!
Being an Avoidant is seen as something that we could get over if we really tried. Just like the person that has cancer, its not that easy. A person with Cancer cant just will themselves to not have Cancer. Neither can a person that is an Avoidant just will themselves to quit being an Avoidant.
This is the very first thing that any Normal person in a relationship with an Avoidant must come to terms with. Being an Avoidant is really no different than someone with a physical issue like Cancer. Being an Avoidant is just as real, just as debilitating, just as difficult, and can be just as deadly to a marriage.
My wife is wonderful. She is wise beyond her years and very understanding. She was sent her on this earth to be my mate and look out after me. Of course, God is the one that saved our marriage. But my wife is the one that had to listen to him and understand what he was trying to tell her about Avoidants and about me.
As a Normal, my wife has a huge challenge. She tries as best she can to understand me and Get it. My wife is a Christian as am I. One day when she was at her wits end because I was being a difficult Avoidant, she turned to God. She prayed and God gave her understanding, and empathy. I cant say that she completely understands, but she tries really hard.
If it had not been for this, I am pretty sure that we would not be together today. The other thing that saved our marriage was Vitamins. I know that might sound a bit simple, but it worked for us. We looked for a long time to find something that worked.
Before, I was not nice, to put it nicely. I was a down right Jerk to my wife. I tried acupuncture, Chinese medicine, and many other things in an effort to find one that would help. I have a poor diet. I dont eat vegetables and little to no fruit. I am mostly a meat and potatoes kind of guy.
I have always thought that the lack of proper nutrition might be all, or at least part, of the problem. Weather it was a cause of the Avoidance, I had no clue, but I was willing to try most anything. My wife used to take a vitamin called Advocare. No I want to say right up front that I do not sell Advocare, nor am I saying that Advocare cures Avoidance.
All I am saying is that it worked for me. Its quite possible that there are other vitamins out there that also might be effective. What I can say for sure is that when I do not take my vitamins, I fell awful the way I used to back when I was a Jerk.
I tend to live by the saying that if it aint broke, dont fix it. These vitamins work for me. I spent a long long time looking for something that did. I have seen some research that suggest that depression, and other such issues might be helped by certain nutrients.
I think it quite possible that there is a certain element, or nutrient that is lacking in the body or brain that is either causing Avoidants or at least making it worse. So to anyone out there that is in a relationship with an Avoidant, or someone you think might be an Avoidant, dont give up!
If you are a Christian, pray and ask God for help.
If you are not a Christian, pray and ask God for help.
Try to understand that person that you are with and why they struggle and act like they do
Try to find out if that person has a good diet. Weather they have a good diet, or not, consider giving them a good quality vitamin supplement.
If you have a story that you would like to share with me and/or others, please send it to Phillip@NeedsMet.us.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Gays and Lesbians & Avoidants. Not as different as you might think
When I was in school, I was thought of as being Gay. Looking back on it, I can see why. Kids love to tease and bully those that dont fit into their mold. Its not just kids though. We do the same things. We tease, make fun of and bully those that are not like us.
If someone does not fit into our idea of who we think they should be, they just cant be right in the head. Right?
When I was a kid in school, I did not like girls at all. I dont think it was that I did not like them, but was scared to death of em. I would get physically ill when anywhere in the vicinity of a girl. And if it was a group or girls, I was pulling a Forest Gump and running as fast as I could the other way.
To make things worse, I did not like working on cars or sports. I could not stand to get my hands dirty. A trait I still carry to this day. Though I do get dirty when I have to. I dont like it, but there are just things you do when you are married, and when you are older, that you just have to do, like it or not.
Well, especially in a kids world, things are pretty black and white. 1 + 1 always = 2 and so forth. I was a kid that did not like girls, didnt like sports and didnt like working on cars. So that equaled gay. As a result of the school wide rumor mill, I was labeled gay and every gay person in the school hit on me.
I was not attracted to men at all, so I just withdrew. It was not until well into my 20's that I developed a good desire for girls and got my 1st kiss. So what in the world does this have to do with Avoidants? Well, leme tell ya.
Most Gays and Lesbians look at themselves as having no choice. In the Church, we look at these people and think they should get get over it. They look at it like something they have no control over. Connecting the dots yet? We look at our Avoidants like something we have no choice over. We want desperately to just Get Over It, but it just dont work that way.
People that have this Avoidant thing wreck marriages, lives and of course themselves. Its not pretty at all. So maybe we are not that far different as we in the Church think we are.
Gays and Lesbians feel that they are who they are and there is nothing they can do about it. We that suffer from Avoidance are the way we are and there seems to be nothing we can do about it. So lets all get along and accept each other.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
If someone does not fit into our idea of who we think they should be, they just cant be right in the head. Right?
When I was a kid in school, I did not like girls at all. I dont think it was that I did not like them, but was scared to death of em. I would get physically ill when anywhere in the vicinity of a girl. And if it was a group or girls, I was pulling a Forest Gump and running as fast as I could the other way.
To make things worse, I did not like working on cars or sports. I could not stand to get my hands dirty. A trait I still carry to this day. Though I do get dirty when I have to. I dont like it, but there are just things you do when you are married, and when you are older, that you just have to do, like it or not.
Well, especially in a kids world, things are pretty black and white. 1 + 1 always = 2 and so forth. I was a kid that did not like girls, didnt like sports and didnt like working on cars. So that equaled gay. As a result of the school wide rumor mill, I was labeled gay and every gay person in the school hit on me.
I was not attracted to men at all, so I just withdrew. It was not until well into my 20's that I developed a good desire for girls and got my 1st kiss. So what in the world does this have to do with Avoidants? Well, leme tell ya.
Most Gays and Lesbians look at themselves as having no choice. In the Church, we look at these people and think they should get get over it. They look at it like something they have no control over. Connecting the dots yet? We look at our Avoidants like something we have no choice over. We want desperately to just Get Over It, but it just dont work that way.
People that have this Avoidant thing wreck marriages, lives and of course themselves. Its not pretty at all. So maybe we are not that far different as we in the Church think we are.
Gays and Lesbians feel that they are who they are and there is nothing they can do about it. We that suffer from Avoidance are the way we are and there seems to be nothing we can do about it. So lets all get along and accept each other.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
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