Update on the Avoidant. I try as best I can to isolate the Avoidant from myself. This is why I dont refer to myself as an Avoidant. I either refer directly to the Avoidant and then myself, or say that I have Avoidant Personality. I avoid saying that I am an Avoidant if that makes sense.
I know it might seem like a trivial distinction, but I think its an important one. The Avoidant, at least for me, is an odd animal. Its a bit like sin in general. Paul tells us that what he does not want to do, that he does. And the good things that he wants to do, these he does not do.
The Avoidant is like this. The bad Avoidant things that I dont want to do, these things I do. The good non-Avoidant things that I want to do, these things I dont do. One example is just last night. My wife and I are going to be running a small group with our Church. I find this exciting but also very scarry. Scared because my wife is also going to be involved. She is co-hosting it.
I want my wife to be involved, but her involvement scares me. I do not know what to expect. Back to the example. I was attempting to run this same small group at a different Church a couple years back. I had even gotten so far as to write up a syllabus for it.
That small group never happened, but when we decided to try again, I thought of that old doc I had. I figured I could update it and use it for this group. I found it and took it right to my wife before even doing any editing on it. She read it and said: What a snooze fest. And then began to write out and tell me her suggestions.
When she said those words; What a snooze fest, the Avoidant in me instantly shut down. I started playing with the cat. When she realized that I had tuned out, she got very mad. I cant blame her for that. I would have got mad too. How to fix these situations I dont know. Wish I did. But they keep coming up again and again and again.
Different scenarios, but the same sort of triggers. The Avoidant does not like rejection. Its pretty sensitive about that and it shuts down to protect itself from harm anytime anything even seems like its going to hurt. I have yet to figure out a way to prevent this from happening. Not sure if there is a 100% solution.
I have come a long long way with coming out of the Avoidant closet and finding healing. but Im not totally there yet. Someone messaged me with some thoughts and their struggles. I never mention names or anything like that, but I do want to address some things that they said.
I get letters, emails and such from other people that struggle with their Avoidant all the time. I love getting these and want to encourage anyone that is searching for answers to write. I am hoping to write a book soon and value the input from others.
This person is in a marriage that is in trouble. I wish I could say that this wont happen and does not happen. But the truth is that marriage is hard enough as it is. Add to that the additional issues of the Avoidant, and its beyond hard. I would love to hear from anyone out there that deals with Avoidance that has a good healthy successful marriage. Id love to know the secret. My wife and I go through ups and downs. Not very good ups and a lot of downs. Sometimes so far down that she leaves me. But so far, has always come back Thank God!!
So how an Avoidant should be in a successful marriage with a Normal. I wish I knew.
The other thing that really stuck out in this person message to me is their job. They said it was a very stressful job and a job that requires a lot of socialization and leadership ability. I wont speak to the leadership part expect to say like the socialization, this requires a huge amount of energy. At least if this person is an introvert, which I assume either by design, or because of the Avoidant, that all Avoidants are Introverts
Extroverts get energized by being around other people. They need to be around others. Being alone drains them and brings them down. Maybe not right away, but a study diet of being alone will make them feel depressed and not valuable and like they are not doing anything with their life. Extroverts do well in very social and demanding jobs.
Now Introverts are just the opposite. Introverts need to be alone. Not say that they always need to be alone, but they have to get away and spend alone time from time to time. Being around people drains the introvert. Whereas being alone energizes us. Being among people, drains us. The bigger the crowd, the quicker the drain.
A study diet of being among groups of people causes depression, anxiety, grumpiness and downright irritability. Now if an introvert can find times to get alone and reenergize, they can do this. But it requires a lot of balance and effort to manage this.
I work from home. Its both the best and worst thing. Its the best because I dont have to be around people, so I dont get drained. Its the worst because I get few opportunities to practice socialization. If I have to choose though, I am much happerier working from home. I would not trade it for a $30 an hour job.
I spent a long long time (many years) trying to fit into the corporate mold. I was not able to hold any of them. It was always just a matter of time before something blew up and I lost the job. I have hard hundreds of jobs in my lifetime. I cant even count, or even remember them all.
Now that I work from home, I have been here for about 8 years now and its still going well. So my personal recommendation would be to escape the madhouse. Find a way to work from home. You will be happerier for it. Another question was could being an Avoidant be Chemical? Well, technically, everything in our body is a result of a chemical reaction. But I know what you mean. I could not find any sort of relief for many many years.
Then one day I found some vitamins that worked. They took the edge off. Then I went to my doctor and he diagnosed be with a Thyroid problem. He put me on a lose dose thyroid medicine. Every since I stated on this, I have fell pretty good. I no longer take the vitamins. At least not regularly. I also eat fruit now, which I think also helps.
I have no proof, but I suspect that many people that have Avoidant, have a poor diet. I have heard from many that fit this, so that makes me think that diet may play at least a role here..
My bottom line is dont get a high stress, high profile and highly social job. You will likely get worse. I would find a way to be away from people and stress, but dont seclude yourself completely. Things in a persons life that deals with Avoidant goes slow. Baby steps like that movie "What about Bob".
If you suffer from Avoidant and have not watched that movie, I highly recommend it. It will help you understand yourself a bit. There is also a really good book called "Please Understand me". The 1st version, not the 2nd. The book is not about Avoidants. Its about personality Types. I highly recommend it.
He helped me a lot to get myself.
So there you have it.
Go with God, but go without the Avoidant!!
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
