I should start by saying that I have Avoidance. My mom and brother also probably have Avoidance. My daughter also has Avoidance. She is 11. I am 54, so I am not sure what Avoidance looked like at this age.
All her symptoms seem to fit with Avoidance. But there are differences that I am not sure about. I also notice things in her that are scaring me.
She thinks she is stupid. She thinks she cant do anything right. She thinks that life is not worth living.
She think she has to be perfect. A lot of this is coming from, or at least playing out, in school. Right now, she goes to public school. She has a friend there her age. But this friend calls her stupid. This person calls her a jerk.
This friend is very jealous and if my daughter tries to be with any of her other friends, this person will throw a fit and its my daughter that somehow gets in trouble because of it.
Other kids in the school think its my daughters fault and she must have been the one to make the other girl angry.
In true Avoidant fashion, my daughter is trying to make everyone happy and cannot. She takes the weight of everyone's problems on her and its hurting her.
I fear that as she becomes a teenager, its just going to get worse. We are planning on putting her into a private school. Our daughter is looking forward to the private school in the hopes that the fresh start with new friend will help.
I am at a loss to know how to help my daughter. My way of dealing with kids at her age was to avoid them all together. I was a loner in school and had no friends.
Anyone have any suggestions or ideas?
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Avoidant Personality
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
The Flower Bulb Incident
My wife and I went to Walmart recently. While we were there, we saw some bulbs. Its planting time and I wanted to get some nice flowers for our front yard. I had been priming the pump with my wife for a few weeks, so this seemed like the right time.
I picked up some bulbs and showed them to my wife. My wife asked me how I was going to plant them. Now I know that my wife knows how to plant bulbs. So in my head, the only conclusion I could come to is that she did not want to plant bulbs.
My wife seemed to be making excuses as to why we should not get bulbs. So in my best logical manner, I told her how to plant. Do you ever have those times in your life that you just want to erase? You do it, but as soon as you do, you know its wrong and is going to be a huge mess.
But you have already done it. Its too late. its out there. The poop as hit the fan. Now its just a matter of time before the fan blades shred up all that poop and blow it back into your face. Its like watching the worst version of yourself play out. All the while you are powerless to do anything.
Its a bit like a bad movie. You go into this movie knowing its bad. But as bad as you know it is, you continue to sit there with your eyes fixed. You are frozen and cat move. Well, in Walmart, I left like that.
I knew what I was doing was going to blow back into my face. I knew I was creating a huge mess that was going to be very hard to recover from, if we could recover at all. But knowing that did not change a thing. The 2 trains (My wife and I) were coming head on at each other, we were going to wreck and it was not going to be pretty.
So here I went. Choo Choo!
"I would move back the rocks, I would take something sharp, poke through the weed barrier, dig into the ground a few inches, put in the bulb, put dirt in the hole, and then cover it back with rocks."
Of course now I can see my mistake. My wife felt as it I was calling her stupid. I was explaining to her how to plant bulbs, which she had surely done a thousand times. Plus I raised my voice because I did not seem to be getting through.
To make matters worse, we were in WalMart, where there were lots of people. So she felt like I was scolding her in front of all these people like she was 5.
But this was exactly what my wife was doing to me. I had planted flowers many times and it really irritated me that I had to explain it to her. Especially when I knew that she knew this as well. So she had to have some sort of ulterior motive to all this.
If this was not bad enough, our daughter was with is and heard everything. I can only imagine what this was doing to her. No wonder she hates sleeping alone and wont let either of us out of her sight.
It was one of the worst nights of our marital lives. I am still trying to figure out how we could have avoided it. We have recovered. But it was not easy.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
I picked up some bulbs and showed them to my wife. My wife asked me how I was going to plant them. Now I know that my wife knows how to plant bulbs. So in my head, the only conclusion I could come to is that she did not want to plant bulbs.
My wife seemed to be making excuses as to why we should not get bulbs. So in my best logical manner, I told her how to plant. Do you ever have those times in your life that you just want to erase? You do it, but as soon as you do, you know its wrong and is going to be a huge mess.
But you have already done it. Its too late. its out there. The poop as hit the fan. Now its just a matter of time before the fan blades shred up all that poop and blow it back into your face. Its like watching the worst version of yourself play out. All the while you are powerless to do anything.
Its a bit like a bad movie. You go into this movie knowing its bad. But as bad as you know it is, you continue to sit there with your eyes fixed. You are frozen and cat move. Well, in Walmart, I left like that.
I knew what I was doing was going to blow back into my face. I knew I was creating a huge mess that was going to be very hard to recover from, if we could recover at all. But knowing that did not change a thing. The 2 trains (My wife and I) were coming head on at each other, we were going to wreck and it was not going to be pretty.
So here I went. Choo Choo!
"I would move back the rocks, I would take something sharp, poke through the weed barrier, dig into the ground a few inches, put in the bulb, put dirt in the hole, and then cover it back with rocks."
Of course now I can see my mistake. My wife felt as it I was calling her stupid. I was explaining to her how to plant bulbs, which she had surely done a thousand times. Plus I raised my voice because I did not seem to be getting through.
To make matters worse, we were in WalMart, where there were lots of people. So she felt like I was scolding her in front of all these people like she was 5.
But this was exactly what my wife was doing to me. I had planted flowers many times and it really irritated me that I had to explain it to her. Especially when I knew that she knew this as well. So she had to have some sort of ulterior motive to all this.
If this was not bad enough, our daughter was with is and heard everything. I can only imagine what this was doing to her. No wonder she hates sleeping alone and wont let either of us out of her sight.
It was one of the worst nights of our marital lives. I am still trying to figure out how we could have avoided it. We have recovered. But it was not easy.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Does being a Christian mean that the Avoidant goes away?
I love having Avoidance.
Hmm.. maybe I should explain that a bit. I hate that I have this Avoidant problem. I hate that the Avoidant wins so often while the Normal has to take a back seat and watch. But I love that I get to help others that suffer from this. Weather that suffering comes from being the Avoidant, or from being in a relationship with the Avoidant.
For me, having Avoidance is a bit like having multiple personalities.
Some days its the Avoidant that is in charge. Some days, the normal wins the day. When the Avoidant is running things, the Normal has to sit in his corner and watch, like a boy in school that did bad and was sent to stand in the corner.
The one that does not have the dominance that day is subservient to the other or in some cases like the other was non-existent. Its like watching a movie. The normal is off in space somewhere watching the Avoidant live out there lives, or that day or week or however long it is that the Avoidant dominates.
An example would be those stories we have all heard of near death experiences. These people see themselves on an operating table while doctors work to revive them. All the while they are hovering over themselves. They can hear and see what is going on, but cannot do anything to interfere or say; Here I am".
The Normal is powerless to do anything but watch. This was not what I was going to say, but its where I started at. I will go into more detail on another blog and add that to the book.
I got another email from someone that, as always remains nameless. Just like that old TV show Dragnet, the names have been changes to protect the innocent. Their story rang very very true for me. Except for a few details, its the same story that my wife would tell. In fact, its the same story that every Avoidant out there, or the person that is in the relationship with the Avoidant, will tell you.
Being an Avoidant is short means, that you Avoid. Thats why I am calling the name of my book; Avoiding Life. We dont try to Avoid, but just dont have a choice.
I have been married now for 11 years. My family is all back in Texas. Why is a long long story that I wont go into here.
The cliff notes version and summary is that I came here to get married. I was very happy though to leave Texas. My family is not close at all. They all live their separate lives and only get together when they have to like Christmas. My mom has the Avoidant. She has never been diagnosed officially, and its highly doubtful that she will be.
One of my brothers also suffers from Avoidance, but again, has not been diagnosed. It would take a miracle to get him into seeing a doctor about it. Issues like this run throughout my family Im sure.
When I got married here in Idaho, that all changed. Well sort of. My wife's family is close. They do as much as they can together. The only reason we dont do more with them is because we live in Boise, which is about 100 miles from them.
I think God must have laughed his you-know-what off when he got me married into a family that is like night and day from my own. And yes, God does has a sense of humor.
I have tried very hard to get along with my wife's family. But as hard as I try, it just does not quite work. Of course, Im not exactly the socialite with any company. It depends on the day and time. I hate anyone coming over when I just get off work. This is the worst possible time for company. Though its a lot better now that I work from home.
I remember when I did have a job away from the house. I often had pretty stressful jobs that required a lot of mental capacity. I would come home and want to do nothing but watch TV and try to recoup. I did not want to talk to anyone, especially company. If there were people that came over, I would go off and hide somewhere. Perhaps pretend I had work to do, or an important show to watch. Anything to get away from people!
It was like people were Nazis or some other mortal enemy. I had to get away from them anyway that I could. As I said, its better now that I work from home and I have found some healing, but its still there. It seems that after work is usually the very time my wife's family chooses to visit.
These days, I do my best to put on a smile, sit in the living room with them and even muster up some mild conversation. But when the Avoidant is in charge, it takes everything in me to fight this battle. I have tried to get my wife to understand. And she does the best she can. She has come a long way in the understanding department.
What Normals have to understand though its that we cant just get over it. I hear this all the time. It makes no sense and its not logical. Therefore, the Avoidant should be able to just Get over It, or quit being that way. I hear this one from my wife a lot as well. Why are you being that way? Why cant you just be normal?
LOL. If the Avoidant could be normal. they would not be an Avoidant. That defies logic.
My wifes family is made up, of course of all normals. They have no clue what the Avoidant deals with. I even tried once to print out a description of Avoidants. Boy, was that a mistake. It only made them more confused and afraid of me.
I used to have a more detailed write up of an Avoidant, but it looks like that web site is no more. I much as I hate to say this, in a relationship between a normal and as Avoidant, its the normal that has the bulk of the burden. Weather the relationship works or does not work is largely going to depend in them.
Avoidance does not make any sense. Its not logical. For a Normal to be able to understand Avoidance, requires a lot of empathy and understanding. The Normal has to be able to understand what even the Avoidant cannot understand. It requires something outside our understanding. This is why I said its critical to know God and be a Christian. God is the only one that can give the Normal this revelation.
So if anyone needs to just Get Over it, its the Normal that has to do this. They have to be able to get over their thought process that we should all be like them and that we can change. Of course with the help of God, we can change, but it takes time. Lots of time.
This brings me to the next issue. The misconception that once an Avoidant becomes a Christian, that the Avoidant problems just go away. God can do this, but more often than not, does not. For example, when someone that smokes because a Christian, they become a Christian that smokes.
If someone that drinks becomes a Christian, they become a Christian that drinks. If someone watches porn, they become a Christian that watches porn. If an Avoidant, a Christian that is also Avoidant. Someone that is overweight becomes a Christian that is overweight. And so on and so on. Becoming a Chrisitian does not mean that God waives his magic wand and presto chango, you no longer have any issues.
It just does not work that way. Now, God can do these things if he chooses, but the norm is that we have to do the work to get out of these things. And as I have said a million times, for the Avoidant, this change and healing often takes place by baby steps. And just because it takes time, which in the case of the Avoidant is a lot of time, this does not make it any less of a healing and a miracle.
So, lots and lots to digest I know. In summary, to be in a good healthy relationship with an Avoidant, A huge part of the responsibility lies on the Normal, not the Avoidant! Its the normal that is going to feel the brunt of this. Is it fair? No, its not. But this is the deal. Being in a relationship with an Avoidant is not easy.
But if it was easy, everyone wold be doing it!
Go with God but go Without Avoidance
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Hmm.. maybe I should explain that a bit. I hate that I have this Avoidant problem. I hate that the Avoidant wins so often while the Normal has to take a back seat and watch. But I love that I get to help others that suffer from this. Weather that suffering comes from being the Avoidant, or from being in a relationship with the Avoidant.
For me, having Avoidance is a bit like having multiple personalities.
Some days its the Avoidant that is in charge. Some days, the normal wins the day. When the Avoidant is running things, the Normal has to sit in his corner and watch, like a boy in school that did bad and was sent to stand in the corner.
The one that does not have the dominance that day is subservient to the other or in some cases like the other was non-existent. Its like watching a movie. The normal is off in space somewhere watching the Avoidant live out there lives, or that day or week or however long it is that the Avoidant dominates.
An example would be those stories we have all heard of near death experiences. These people see themselves on an operating table while doctors work to revive them. All the while they are hovering over themselves. They can hear and see what is going on, but cannot do anything to interfere or say; Here I am".
The Normal is powerless to do anything but watch. This was not what I was going to say, but its where I started at. I will go into more detail on another blog and add that to the book.
I got another email from someone that, as always remains nameless. Just like that old TV show Dragnet, the names have been changes to protect the innocent. Their story rang very very true for me. Except for a few details, its the same story that my wife would tell. In fact, its the same story that every Avoidant out there, or the person that is in the relationship with the Avoidant, will tell you.
Being an Avoidant is short means, that you Avoid. Thats why I am calling the name of my book; Avoiding Life. We dont try to Avoid, but just dont have a choice.
I have been married now for 11 years. My family is all back in Texas. Why is a long long story that I wont go into here.
The cliff notes version and summary is that I came here to get married. I was very happy though to leave Texas. My family is not close at all. They all live their separate lives and only get together when they have to like Christmas. My mom has the Avoidant. She has never been diagnosed officially, and its highly doubtful that she will be.
One of my brothers also suffers from Avoidance, but again, has not been diagnosed. It would take a miracle to get him into seeing a doctor about it. Issues like this run throughout my family Im sure.
When I got married here in Idaho, that all changed. Well sort of. My wife's family is close. They do as much as they can together. The only reason we dont do more with them is because we live in Boise, which is about 100 miles from them.
I think God must have laughed his you-know-what off when he got me married into a family that is like night and day from my own. And yes, God does has a sense of humor.
I have tried very hard to get along with my wife's family. But as hard as I try, it just does not quite work. Of course, Im not exactly the socialite with any company. It depends on the day and time. I hate anyone coming over when I just get off work. This is the worst possible time for company. Though its a lot better now that I work from home.
I remember when I did have a job away from the house. I often had pretty stressful jobs that required a lot of mental capacity. I would come home and want to do nothing but watch TV and try to recoup. I did not want to talk to anyone, especially company. If there were people that came over, I would go off and hide somewhere. Perhaps pretend I had work to do, or an important show to watch. Anything to get away from people!
It was like people were Nazis or some other mortal enemy. I had to get away from them anyway that I could. As I said, its better now that I work from home and I have found some healing, but its still there. It seems that after work is usually the very time my wife's family chooses to visit.
These days, I do my best to put on a smile, sit in the living room with them and even muster up some mild conversation. But when the Avoidant is in charge, it takes everything in me to fight this battle. I have tried to get my wife to understand. And she does the best she can. She has come a long way in the understanding department.
What Normals have to understand though its that we cant just get over it. I hear this all the time. It makes no sense and its not logical. Therefore, the Avoidant should be able to just Get over It, or quit being that way. I hear this one from my wife a lot as well. Why are you being that way? Why cant you just be normal?
LOL. If the Avoidant could be normal. they would not be an Avoidant. That defies logic.
My wifes family is made up, of course of all normals. They have no clue what the Avoidant deals with. I even tried once to print out a description of Avoidants. Boy, was that a mistake. It only made them more confused and afraid of me.
I used to have a more detailed write up of an Avoidant, but it looks like that web site is no more. I much as I hate to say this, in a relationship between a normal and as Avoidant, its the normal that has the bulk of the burden. Weather the relationship works or does not work is largely going to depend in them.
Avoidance does not make any sense. Its not logical. For a Normal to be able to understand Avoidance, requires a lot of empathy and understanding. The Normal has to be able to understand what even the Avoidant cannot understand. It requires something outside our understanding. This is why I said its critical to know God and be a Christian. God is the only one that can give the Normal this revelation.
So if anyone needs to just Get Over it, its the Normal that has to do this. They have to be able to get over their thought process that we should all be like them and that we can change. Of course with the help of God, we can change, but it takes time. Lots of time.
This brings me to the next issue. The misconception that once an Avoidant becomes a Christian, that the Avoidant problems just go away. God can do this, but more often than not, does not. For example, when someone that smokes because a Christian, they become a Christian that smokes.
If someone that drinks becomes a Christian, they become a Christian that drinks. If someone watches porn, they become a Christian that watches porn. If an Avoidant, a Christian that is also Avoidant. Someone that is overweight becomes a Christian that is overweight. And so on and so on. Becoming a Chrisitian does not mean that God waives his magic wand and presto chango, you no longer have any issues.
It just does not work that way. Now, God can do these things if he chooses, but the norm is that we have to do the work to get out of these things. And as I have said a million times, for the Avoidant, this change and healing often takes place by baby steps. And just because it takes time, which in the case of the Avoidant is a lot of time, this does not make it any less of a healing and a miracle.
So, lots and lots to digest I know. In summary, to be in a good healthy relationship with an Avoidant, A huge part of the responsibility lies on the Normal, not the Avoidant! Its the normal that is going to feel the brunt of this. Is it fair? No, its not. But this is the deal. Being in a relationship with an Avoidant is not easy.
But if it was easy, everyone wold be doing it!
Go with God but go Without Avoidance
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Should a person that has Avoidant stay single?
You know, I get asked a lot about writing. How to do it, what motivates and inspires me. I read of another writer once that faced the same questions. He said something that has always stuck with me. This is a side not by the way.
If I sit down at my computer and just tell myself to write, I usually draw a blank and will end up just staring at a blank screen. Its a bit like that Jim Carey movie Liar Liar. Carey cant tell a lie. So he decides to write it instead. Trouble is that he cant even write a lie.
So he puts his knee on his hand and tells his hand to write a lie or he will break it off. Well, no matter what Carey tries, he cannot get his hand to write. I find writing to be a bit like that. You cant force writing. It just does not work that way. You have to find something to inspire you.
For me, and for that previous writer I mentioned, I need to find someone to write to. I have to have someone in mind. Writing to a blind impersonal audience is fruitless and cold. Today I got an email from a valued friend.
She is also in a relationship with someone that has Avoidance and is struggling to make it work. She said something that caught my attention. She said that if the Avoidant cant find the right mate, they should stay single. This really got me to thinking on this.
If I had not found my wife, and stayed single, I am pretty sure that I would probably not be here. Its impossible to say for sure. Its like that old Star Trek movie. You just cant go back in time and undo things. If you could go back and change things, and then came back to the present, everything about who you are would have changed.
No, its best to accept what happened to you in the past as something that has groomed you into the person you are today, forgive or whatever you need to do, and put it behind you. You can choose to either take those things, good or bad, as learning experiences and grow from them, or you can choose to continue to whaler in the muck and mire of them.
For me, lots of bad things happened to me. But instead of letting them get me down, I choose to look at them as growing experiences. Today, I am a Pastor, run a 501c3 ministry; am married have a beautiful wonderful daughter, and more.
Things happened in my life that I would have preferred not to have happened. But if they did not happen, I might not have been driven to success. I might not have gotten married. I might not have had a daughter. I might not have the ministry and desire to help others that I have now.
All that to say that we all need to stop boobing about the past and be grateful. Sorry, sometimes the Pastor in me gets on his podium.
So where was I? Oh yeah, should an Avoidant stay single. Well, this person that emailed me made another great point. I know its hard, but dont settle for any relationship that comes along. Avoidant more than any others need to mare sure that she or he is the right one.
I got lucky and found just the right one. At times, I have not thought this, but she really is. If you are an Avoidant and dont have God in your life, you need him. Trust me. Its critical.
I am not usually that aggressive when it comes to telling people about God. Maybe I need to be. For normals, there is one level of need. For Avoidants, its a whole other level way beyond what a normal needs. A normal needs God for sure. But a person that is Avoidant, I cant see any way that you can live without God in your life. Its thats important.
Any mate that an Avoidant finds MUST be a Christian. Without God in their life, I think it will be impossible to be able to empathize with the Avoidant and really understand them. You may be able to make it for a while, but having God to lean on and rely on is CRITICAL!!
But that still does not really answer the question of should an Avoidant just stay single. What if the Avoidant just cant find that perfect person? To that I would say to not give up. You know, the difference between successful and unsuccessful people is giving up.
People that find success in their lives are the ones that did not give up. No matter how many times they fail, they just get up, dust themselves off, and start all over again.
The people that are not successful are the ones that let life, people, and their friends and family, convince them that they cant do something and to just give up and lay down and die. By the way, that comes out of the book of Job. Jobs friends told him that God was against him, so he should just give up.
Dont do that no matter how long it takes. If you have not found that person yet, find others that you can talk to. Finding other Avoidants is the best way as often they are they only ones that will really understand you. If you dont wait on just the right person and settle for less that what God has for you, you will regret it. You will be stuck in an awful marriage with someone that does not get you and has no patience for this Avoidant crap.
So I guess the answer to the question is both yes and no.
If you can find the right person, get married. As an Avoidant, you need the support of someone that can understand you . Not having someone like this will be very very hard. But getting into a relationship with someone that just does not understand you will be worse. Unless God can get in there and work it out for you, chances are that it will end in divorce.
Save yourself the hardship and wait on the right person.
The Avoidant spouse has to be a very special person. It has to be someone with great empathy and patience. I have said it a million times and I will keep on saying it. In an Avoidants life, its baby Steps. It takes a long time to get anywhere. I dont mean to sound harsh, but neither do I want to blow smoke up anyone's butt.
Its tuff being an Avoidant, but its even tougher being the mate of one. If you are thinking about being in a relationship with an Avoidant, make sure that you count the cost before you leap. It can be very very good, but it will take time and a lot of work.
So should an Avoidant stay single if they cant find the right person. My answer is no. Unless an Avoidant as a good support system, I cant see how they will make it. Again, not trying to be pessimistic, but I think this is just reality. An Avoidant must have God in his or her life. An Avoidant must have people in their life. An Avoidant need a mate.
With God anything is possible though. The key is that you need a support system of some sort. More later
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
If I sit down at my computer and just tell myself to write, I usually draw a blank and will end up just staring at a blank screen. Its a bit like that Jim Carey movie Liar Liar. Carey cant tell a lie. So he decides to write it instead. Trouble is that he cant even write a lie.
So he puts his knee on his hand and tells his hand to write a lie or he will break it off. Well, no matter what Carey tries, he cannot get his hand to write. I find writing to be a bit like that. You cant force writing. It just does not work that way. You have to find something to inspire you.
For me, and for that previous writer I mentioned, I need to find someone to write to. I have to have someone in mind. Writing to a blind impersonal audience is fruitless and cold. Today I got an email from a valued friend.
She is also in a relationship with someone that has Avoidance and is struggling to make it work. She said something that caught my attention. She said that if the Avoidant cant find the right mate, they should stay single. This really got me to thinking on this.
If I had not found my wife, and stayed single, I am pretty sure that I would probably not be here. Its impossible to say for sure. Its like that old Star Trek movie. You just cant go back in time and undo things. If you could go back and change things, and then came back to the present, everything about who you are would have changed.
No, its best to accept what happened to you in the past as something that has groomed you into the person you are today, forgive or whatever you need to do, and put it behind you. You can choose to either take those things, good or bad, as learning experiences and grow from them, or you can choose to continue to whaler in the muck and mire of them.
For me, lots of bad things happened to me. But instead of letting them get me down, I choose to look at them as growing experiences. Today, I am a Pastor, run a 501c3 ministry; am married have a beautiful wonderful daughter, and more.
Things happened in my life that I would have preferred not to have happened. But if they did not happen, I might not have been driven to success. I might not have gotten married. I might not have had a daughter. I might not have the ministry and desire to help others that I have now.
All that to say that we all need to stop boobing about the past and be grateful. Sorry, sometimes the Pastor in me gets on his podium.
So where was I? Oh yeah, should an Avoidant stay single. Well, this person that emailed me made another great point. I know its hard, but dont settle for any relationship that comes along. Avoidant more than any others need to mare sure that she or he is the right one.
I got lucky and found just the right one. At times, I have not thought this, but she really is. If you are an Avoidant and dont have God in your life, you need him. Trust me. Its critical.
I am not usually that aggressive when it comes to telling people about God. Maybe I need to be. For normals, there is one level of need. For Avoidants, its a whole other level way beyond what a normal needs. A normal needs God for sure. But a person that is Avoidant, I cant see any way that you can live without God in your life. Its thats important.
Any mate that an Avoidant finds MUST be a Christian. Without God in their life, I think it will be impossible to be able to empathize with the Avoidant and really understand them. You may be able to make it for a while, but having God to lean on and rely on is CRITICAL!!
But that still does not really answer the question of should an Avoidant just stay single. What if the Avoidant just cant find that perfect person? To that I would say to not give up. You know, the difference between successful and unsuccessful people is giving up.
People that find success in their lives are the ones that did not give up. No matter how many times they fail, they just get up, dust themselves off, and start all over again.
The people that are not successful are the ones that let life, people, and their friends and family, convince them that they cant do something and to just give up and lay down and die. By the way, that comes out of the book of Job. Jobs friends told him that God was against him, so he should just give up.
Dont do that no matter how long it takes. If you have not found that person yet, find others that you can talk to. Finding other Avoidants is the best way as often they are they only ones that will really understand you. If you dont wait on just the right person and settle for less that what God has for you, you will regret it. You will be stuck in an awful marriage with someone that does not get you and has no patience for this Avoidant crap.
So I guess the answer to the question is both yes and no.
If you can find the right person, get married. As an Avoidant, you need the support of someone that can understand you . Not having someone like this will be very very hard. But getting into a relationship with someone that just does not understand you will be worse. Unless God can get in there and work it out for you, chances are that it will end in divorce.
Save yourself the hardship and wait on the right person.
The Avoidant spouse has to be a very special person. It has to be someone with great empathy and patience. I have said it a million times and I will keep on saying it. In an Avoidants life, its baby Steps. It takes a long time to get anywhere. I dont mean to sound harsh, but neither do I want to blow smoke up anyone's butt.
Its tuff being an Avoidant, but its even tougher being the mate of one. If you are thinking about being in a relationship with an Avoidant, make sure that you count the cost before you leap. It can be very very good, but it will take time and a lot of work.
So should an Avoidant stay single if they cant find the right person. My answer is no. Unless an Avoidant as a good support system, I cant see how they will make it. Again, not trying to be pessimistic, but I think this is just reality. An Avoidant must have God in his or her life. An Avoidant must have people in their life. An Avoidant need a mate.
With God anything is possible though. The key is that you need a support system of some sort. More later
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Avoiding Life
I have been working on my book on Avoidants for a while now. I was in Church on Sunday and this name came to me. I think its simple enough and explains what I want to talk about.
I am writing this book because its needed. There just are not any books out there that are for Avoidants that are written by actual Avoidants. Most all the books I have seen are boring descriptions that are written by Psychiatrists and other professionals that have never lived Avoidnace.
They can only talk about their experience dealing with Avoidants and other things that they have learned from books. I am planning on having a good part of the book devoted to being in a relationship with an Avoidant. Either yourself being the Avoidant, or the other person.
This is by far what I get the most emails on. I am married to what I call a Normal. Normal meaning that she is not an Avoidant. Marriage is hard enough as it is. A relationship between a normal an an Avoidant is....well, in the words of Agent K from "The Men in Black"; "that's double tuff".
Its not impossible by any means, but it is hard. If you are in a relationship with an Avoidant and think that everything is Hunky Dorey, be careful. I am not saying that its not possible for everything to be running smoothly, but it requires a lot of work.
Often in these relationships, the Avoidant is the last to know something is wrong. This can build up until its too late and the relationship ends. Often the Avoidant goes his, or her way scratching their head in disbelief. My advice for any marriage, but especially for the Avoidant marriage, is eternal vigilance and be proactive.
Don't wait until the relationship is on the rocks. If you want your relationship to make it, talk things out. Avoidants avoid. We keep things inside until they blow up like one of those old fashioned tea kettles that blow steam and whistle when the water is ready.
Just like those Idiot Lights on cars, if you wait until that other person tells you that something is wrong, it might already be too late. That was not what I originally had planed on saying today, but it must be needed. If you have a story, or a question, or a thought, I would love to hear from you.
I wont use anything you send to me in the book without your permission.
Well, I had better go.
Go with God and go without the Avoidant!
Phillip
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
I am writing this book because its needed. There just are not any books out there that are for Avoidants that are written by actual Avoidants. Most all the books I have seen are boring descriptions that are written by Psychiatrists and other professionals that have never lived Avoidnace.
They can only talk about their experience dealing with Avoidants and other things that they have learned from books. I am planning on having a good part of the book devoted to being in a relationship with an Avoidant. Either yourself being the Avoidant, or the other person.
This is by far what I get the most emails on. I am married to what I call a Normal. Normal meaning that she is not an Avoidant. Marriage is hard enough as it is. A relationship between a normal an an Avoidant is....well, in the words of Agent K from "The Men in Black"; "that's double tuff".
Its not impossible by any means, but it is hard. If you are in a relationship with an Avoidant and think that everything is Hunky Dorey, be careful. I am not saying that its not possible for everything to be running smoothly, but it requires a lot of work.
Often in these relationships, the Avoidant is the last to know something is wrong. This can build up until its too late and the relationship ends. Often the Avoidant goes his, or her way scratching their head in disbelief. My advice for any marriage, but especially for the Avoidant marriage, is eternal vigilance and be proactive.
Don't wait until the relationship is on the rocks. If you want your relationship to make it, talk things out. Avoidants avoid. We keep things inside until they blow up like one of those old fashioned tea kettles that blow steam and whistle when the water is ready.
Just like those Idiot Lights on cars, if you wait until that other person tells you that something is wrong, it might already be too late. That was not what I originally had planed on saying today, but it must be needed. If you have a story, or a question, or a thought, I would love to hear from you.
I wont use anything you send to me in the book without your permission.
Well, I had better go.
Go with God and go without the Avoidant!
Phillip
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
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