I just recently started up my radio show/group for Avoidants. Its a huge undertaking and responsibility. Its not anything I take lightly. In fact, truth be told, I dont even want to do it.
My wife told me that since I am an Avoidant, I should just Avoid it!!
That made me laugh. But its something that I feel I just have to do. Plus I really do want to help others. After all, that's what I do. Or at least I try. Sometimes I wonder how in the world Jesus did it. He must have had all kinds of people coming up to him wanting help.
In the Jesus movies, we typically only see hearings. And perhaps this is all that there was. Its what we read in the Bible. My favorite Jesus movie is Jesus Christ Superstar. In this movie, there is a huge crowd that envelops Jesus and crowds him so much, that he is almost trampled. He throws up his hands and cries out for help.
We are given a few examples where Jesus had to get away from the crowds. I suspect that it may have indeed happened much like what I saw in that movie. In this day and age, if someone had lots of money and stands out on the street with that money in plain sight, they wont have it long.
Can you imagine someone standing out in the street handing out healing? My guess is that they just might be equally trampled and used.
What I have found is the greatest need is for those that want to know how to be in a relationship with an Avoidant. Its very hard to try to put myself in the shoes of someone that is normal. Most of the time, I can even figure out me. Much less someone that does not have these issues that I have.
However, I have my wife to lean on. I do my best to study her and learn from her. There is so much that I never learned when I was young. Im not sure if this is common to Avoidants or not, but I suspect that it is. For example, when I was young, I had very few, to no friends. As a result, I never developed social graces and such.
I heard of "How to win friends and influence people", but I could never get my hands on the book. Or maybe I was just waiting for the book to come out. I suppose its a bit like the "What came 1st, the chicken or the egg" conundrum. The egg could not have been 1st because a Chicken would have had to have been around to lay it.
And the Chicken could not have been 1st because the chicken need be hatched from an egg. (Of course as Christians, we know that the Chicken came 1st. God did not create an egg)
So in my situation, which came 1st? The Avoidant, or not knowing how to deal with people?
I need to be around people in order to learn social skills. But I need to learn social skills in order to be around people.
Back to my wife. I need to be able to put myself in her shoes in order to figure out how and why she is unable to communicate with me in the way I need her to. As an Avoidant, I avoid. Sounds pretty simple huh?
So in a normal relationship, when 2 people get in a fight, they hash it out. It might not be pretty, but its a necessary thing on order for 1 people to work things out. In a relationship with an Avoidant, there is 1 person missing. The "Normal" (For lack of a better word) puts us their dukes and prepares for the fight. They cant wait for the bell to ring so they can come out swinging. Of course in this case, the swings are verbal assaults.
In the other corner is the Avoidant. The avoidant is just trying to ignore the situation and really really hoping that this will all blow over quickly so they can go back to watching TV. The Avoidant wants to avoid conflict at all costs. They are thinking that it would hurt less if this was a real fight in a real boxing ring. At least the Avoidant could deal with real punches, and they would hurt so much less that the words that the other person is about to hurl his or her way.
The bell rings and its time to fight. If this were any normal relationship, the blows would have begun. They would continue until either one or the other is knocked out or they come to some sort of resolution.
But this is a special fight. Its between an Avoidant and a Normal. Its the fight in the century!
The bell has rung and...........
The Normal steps forward and starts swinging. But the swings catch nothing but air.
Wait, there is something wrong. Why is the Normal the only one standing? What happened to the Avoidant?
As the dust settles, we see the Avoidant cowering in the corner. He looks battered and beaten in. But how could this be? The Normal did not lay a glove on the Avoidant?
Not only is the Avodaint cowering in the corner, they are shaking uncontrollably.
Such is life with an Avoidant. We will do anything to avoid a fight or argument. All it takes is the hint of un-settlement coming our way and we collapse in misery. We are defeated before the fight even materializes. So how in the world does one fight or argue with an Avoidant?
The answer. Very Very Very Very carefully!!!
More later
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
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