My Life with Avpd- The condensed version

When I was the Air Force, I was diagnosed with something called Avoidant Personality (Also known as AvPD). I went to see a shrink there because I was unable to be around women. I would get physically ill around them.

It was a huge relief when I was diagnosed with Avoidance. But it was also hard to be labeled. So it was a double edged sword sort of thing.

All of my life I have felt different and weird. I felt like a round peg trying to fit into a world full of square holes. This is why in school, I was a hermit. I kept to myself and talked to no one.

Up until I was diagnosed with Avoidance, I was lost. Once I was diagnosed, at least I knew why I was the way I was and could work on it. It has taken decades to figure things out, but I finally have. These days I do pretty well. I still have my down days and days that I want to go crawl under a rock, but for the most part, I do well.

When I was in the Air Force, I got sent to something called Correctional Custody, which made my Avpd 1000 times worse. I wont go into all the detail, but in short, the sergeants there did everything they could to tear me down, convince me I was worthless and other such fun things like that.

Now back to the Avpd. The short definition of Avpd is that you avoid things. We avid women, men, social functions, going to the store or most anyplace else where there are strangers and avoid pretty much every aspect of life.

Avoidants keep a very very small circle of friends. Most that have Avpd have no friends at all. Most of the friends we have are those at work and those are mostly just acquaintances that we deal with cause its part of work and we have to.

If an Avpd has worked in 1 job for a lot of years, its possible that they get comfortable enough to make friends, or some semblance of friendships. But outside of this, the rest of the world is a very scary place and one to be…you guessed it, Avoided.

One on one relationships, come fairly easy. But in groups of any size at all, panic sets in and its impossible to function. The meaning of “A group of any size” can be different from one Avoidant to the other, but typically its not more than 2 or 3 at the most. The larger the group, the worse it is and the more likely the person with Avpd is to run away or not go at all.

Or if the Avpd person is forced to go, he or she will just sit in a corner and mope or cower. Avoidants are shy, but really beyond shy. Extreme shyness would be the best description. Social function terrify the one with Avpd. Avpders fear most everything. Few are able to have a successful marriage, must less get married.

If one with Avpd does manage to have a successful relationship, it will likely either be a gay relationship (because the same sex are the more comfortable and secure to deal with), or it will be a person of the opposite sex that is submissive and easily dominated. The only relationships that a Avpd person is able to deal with as those that make him feel like he or she is powerful and like that one in charge.

If the other person in the relationship is strong willed, one of few things will likely happen.

• The strain will become too great and the relationship/marriage will fail.
• The other person in the relationship will develop physical symptoms (cancer, Peripheral neuritis, or others illnesses) due to the stress and strain of trying to cope with the one with Avpd.
• The other person will become passive

Those with Avpd are, or will become, very paranoid unless they find a way to fit into society. This might take on the form of a job where they are the boss. This allows them to function because they are able to tell others what to do and not be told what the do. This gives them a sense of security.

If the paranoia continues long enough, a full mental breakdown can occur leading to acting out an act of violence. Those with Avpd can either be victims of domestic violence or the abusers depending on the dynamics of the relationship/marriage.

Most with Avpd attempt suicide at some point in their lives. Others may not attempt outright suicide, but find other things to help them cope like drugs and alcohol. Alcohol and drugs are just a slower form of suicide unless an overdose is taken.

One with Avpd often is a job hoper going from job to job because they simply cannot function unless they find a way to get to the top of the pile quickly. Many with Avpd turn to working from home and self-employment. This seclusion is needed for security, but at the same time is very detrimental to any hope of social development.

I have had more jobs that I can even count. Most days I would be in whats called a brain fog. This is where you feel like you are not really there. Like someone else is at the controls and you are just watching yourself do things.

I searched for many years for something that would help. I still have no clue how I managed to get married. We fought like mad every day and struggled for years. I treated my poor wife very badly. One day, my wife suggested a vitamin supplement. I resisted for a while because it just seemed to easy and I did not want to be disappointed when they did not work.

I ordered and took them out of desperation. I was willing to try most anything to find some relief from the mental pain I was in every single day of my life. I thought that everyone hated me, everyone was out to get me, and I was worthless. I had no value at all and I would never amount to anything. I got the vitamins and started taking them and they worked. Now, other things helped like God, Writing in a journal, talking with others and such, but the vitamins were a miracle. It was like night and day.

When I don’t take them, I slip back into the fog. Im convinced that nutrition plays a major role in Avpd. I wont say that good nutrition is the cure, but I will say that if it was not for these vitamins, I probably would not be alive today.







This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.