Home Alone

Ive lost track of which week Im on, so Im dropping that. I was laid off from my work of 2 years. I worked as a priviate contractor for a company that teaches people how to trade in the stock market. Ive felt this coming for quite a while, but I held out hope that I would be spared the carnage. Well, last week the layoffs finally found me.

Im very grateful that I lasted as long as I did. Lots and lots of people were laid off.  It might have been for the best that I got laid off. Tech support is very stressful. Working while there were many around me getting laid off was even more stressful. I never knew from 1 day to the next if I would still have a job. There were several other factors as well that added up to a very high stress level for me. I needed a rest. Its not good for the family budget, but there are more important things that money, right?

The 1st week was pretty good. I worked on my computer catching up on work Ive been needing to get done. So, no problems the 1st week. Now, its the 2nd week of the layoff and depression is trying to set in. I think this is normal really for a man. After all, God says that if we dont work, we dont eat. God created man to be the provider. When we are not working and providing for our family, we dont feel like we are doing what we are supposed to.

Depression on some level should effect any man that got laid off. But, for an avoidant, its even worse. I not only get hit with the feeling that Im not providing for my family, but also that my employer rejected me. It would be easy to just lay around on the couch and watch TV. Im trying to avoid that trap and keep myself busy.

Last week, I kept the car and took my wife to work. This worked out Ok, but my wife sometimes needs the car, so that she can run errands for her boss. So, this week, my wife took the car and Im home alone. My daughter is now riding the bus to school. This was her 1st day. She was excited to ride the bus, but  not sure how long that will last.

Its my job to keep my daughter safe. Though it may or may not be rational, I dont feel that the bus is entirely safe. Having to let my daughter ride the bus only adds to my sence of failure. So, Ive failed in supporting my family, Ive failed in protecting my familiy. Ive failed to find and keep a job. Lets face it, Ive just plain failed.

This is how I feel anyway, when Im being honest. My former emlpoyer says that conditions will improve and they may be able to call me back come June. I should probably treat this time off like a long vacation and trust God that they will call me back in June. Or he will work something else out instead. But trust comes very hard for me. I want to trust others and God. But as my daughterr say; Its a hard time.

So for now, Im stuck home alone trying to cope as best I can.



This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com