Its been a while since I have written in this blog. Not sure why. Perhaps I have been hoping that this problem would magically get better. But that is silly thinking isnt it? I have had this for my entire life. Why would it magically disappear? Well, I guess that is possible.
I have had things poof before. In fact, I cannot count the odd things that have happened in my life including physical things, that were there one day and then gone a day, or a few months later.
When I was a kid, I had Epilepsy. It was the mild kind. My doctor told me that my brain had a scratch on it. It jumped, like a broken record. When I grew up, I went to see another doctor to find out what was happening with me, as I was experiencing losses of time.
The doctor did an EEG and it came up clean. No sign on this scratch on my brain anymore. So weird things do happen in my life.
Now I am thinking that part or my issues are Depression related as well. Which came 1st, the chicken or the egg? Was the Depression caused by trying to deal with being an Avoidant? Or was the Avoidant caused by Depression?
I think the reason why I went into denial for so long, is that this is what us Christians do. We live in denial. As a Christian, we are taught that Jesus has provided our healing. So if we follow that logic; then to live as a Christian is to live a healed life. If I am not healed, then I must not be a Christian.
Yet I know that I am a Christian. But I am not healed of my being an Avoidant. How to I reconcile this?
The point is why have I been in denial? I convinced myself that since I am a Christian, I should be healed. I can live in denial for a little while, but sooner or later, reality is going to slap me back in the face. This is perhaps why we have so many Christian leaders that have fallen, and fallen hard.
Now I am not only dealing with by being an Avoidant, but also depression. My wife started me on Saint Johns Wart. Its supposed to be a natural way of enhancing ones mood (ie... dealing with depression)
No idea if it will work or not. Stay Tuned.
College starts in just a few weeks for me. I think it might be interesting to be a Depressed Christian with an Avoidant Personality that is studying the Bible at a Bible College.
There must be a book in there somewhere!
This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com
Thanks for posting this, Phillip. We all have struggles, whether emotionally or physically, and it's true that many Christians feel guilty or responsible if they are not healed of these things right away. It's great to read some honest thoughts and questions, while still held against a backdrop of faith.
ReplyDeleteI also am a Christian with Avoidant Personality Disorder. But I was only diagnosed a few years ago and I am now in my 50s. All those years before my diagnosis, I thought my problem was spiritual. John said, "Pure love casts out fear." But there was always fear, ergo, I was not a good Christian. I really struggled, doing my best to live as Christ would have me live, and trying exercise greater faith in Him. No success. So it was actually a relief to find out that it was a psychological problem, not spiritual. In fact, my diagnosis was a spiritual experience wherein the Lord made it known to me that had the problem been spiritual, I had done all I needed to do to be healed. But - and here, finally, is the point: To fulfill His purposes, we are not always healed physically (or psychologically). But we can always rely on Him for spiritual healing. The problem with AvPD is that it affects our ability to be Christlike so we never feel spiritually whole. I hope that makes sense!
ReplyDeleteI know it has been a while since you left this reply. But I am going back through my blog and re-reading it. I am a Pastor now and have received a level of healing from this disorder. I am going to be running a group for Avoidants and others with similar afflictions. If you are interested, the group starts tomorrow at 7:00 pm MT. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/needsmet/2013/10/10/keeping-it-real
DeleteThanks for the comment. I find it all quite interesting, but also a bit disturbing. The manual (Our Bible) did not warn me about this. It has taken me years of living as a Christian to figure this all out, and there is still a lot to learn.
ReplyDeleteWhen we are saved, God can heal us up completely. He can deliver us from Drinking, Smoking, Swearing, Porn and so on. But more often that not, He does not do this.
So if a Drinker gets saved, he comes away as a Christian Drinker. A smoker that got saved becomes a Christian smoker. A person that had a problem with porn before the cross becomes a Christian that has a problem with porn.
I was an Avoidant before I met God. Now that I am saved, I have a Christian Avoidant. Im still not entirely sure why God does not heal us when we come through the cross. Sometimes he does, but usually he does not. Sadly, most Christians live a life in denial. They think that because they are Christians, they cannot have these issues.
Perhaps it is because God wants us to remain dependent on him, like Paul with his Thorn in the Flesh. I dont have the answer to this. All I know is that God is in control and its up to God when and if I will healed of being an Avoidant. And no matter if God does this or not, I will continue to love him and serve him all the days of my life.