This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder or another like it.http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com

It has been a while since I have posted anything here. The main reason why I am returning now is that I was sent an email saying that I won an award. Can you believe that? Me, an award for my blog? The email came from this company called Blogging awards. Im flattered, but curious.

Anyway, on with some thoughts and updates for today.

I am about 2 months into my college life. I love college and I wish that I had started it years ago. But the reality is that I have not been ready until now. My marriage has been a mess for a long time. My personal life has been a mess for a long time. I fought with God for a long time. So, now is the only time in my life that I can say I was open and ready to receive God and what he has for me through college.

All the instructors at Boise Bible College are great. Though I did struggle quiet a bit with this one class. Mr Faber has been teaching for a long long time and knows what he wants. So living up to his expectations was very challenging. But hey, that’s college life, right?

Those of you that do follow my blog want to know (Hopefully) how my Avoidant personality has behaved itself in college. Well, I there is good news and there is not-so good news.

The good news is that I love college. I have learned more about God, who he is, why he did the things he did, in the last 2 months than I have in the last 30 years of going to Church.

The not so good news is that socialization has been difficult at best. Though I cant entirely pin that on the Avoidant personality. I work 40 to 60 hours a week still. Which means that as soon as class is over, I immediately come home to go to work. I work until 7 or 8 every night. Then the rest of the time is divided up among school work and family life. So I have little time to get to know my fellow students.

As I expected, its not too bad because most of my class mates are very young. So I don’t feel like Im totally inferior to them. But that feeling has not gone away. True to the nature of being an avoidant, I still do not pursue relationships. I know I probably come off as being stuck up, or knowing more than they do, or being more “Spiritual” than they are.

But I cant help that. I am none of the above. I think of myself like Paul thought of himself. I am the chief of sinners. I am probably one of the most unworthy people at Boise Bible College.

I have made a few friends since being at school, but it’s a huge struggle. I don’t understand why God does not take this thorn from my side. Im sure he has a good reason, but it still stinks that I have to live this way.

I find myself doing the same old things that I have struggled with all my life. I don’t participate in class like Id like to for fear that I will say the wrong thing. I fear that what I have to say will not be right and will be of no value to anyway.

I go to chapel and I am not free there either. I cant worship God like I want to out of fear that I will do it wrong. Im afraid that people will not except me or like me.

So, life goes on in college and Im doing well. But my Avoidant Personality has not changed a bit.

Whats up with that God???