Living in Hell

When I started this blog, it was just for me. I didnt have any intentions of others reading it. But since then, I have gathered a few that follow what I write. My tendency is to be careful what I say because I dont want to offend anyone of just say something dumb.

But then I have to try as best I can to go back to my original intention of the blog, which was to honestly portray my day to day attempt to deal with being an Avoidant. Its hard to do this, at least for me, when I know I have an audience.

Maybe I need to go with that old saying for people that are shy speaking in front of people and picture everyone in their underwear. :)

I will do my best to try to stay honest and honestly portray my feelings and what its really like to be an Avoidant.

This time though, I want to write, or try to write, from a different perspective. The perspective of someone that lives with an Avoidant. Its a difficult challenge since Its not really possible for me to see me through my wifes eyes.

I know she tries hard to deal with it and cuts me a lot of slack. I give her tons of kudos for that.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I dont think I would be able to do it. I think I would have run, not walked, for the nearest exit and not looked back.

Living with an Avoidant must be a bit like living in Hell and trying to put up with satan as a roommate. Avoidants are ruff. Beyond ruff. Especially if they are in the early stages of figuring out how to deal with it.

I think most Avoidants probably dont even know that they are Avoidants. Still more just ignore it and hope it will go away. Still more probably think they are possessed or something like that and just need a good exorcism.

I have to admit that I have felt this way at times. At times, I still do. I feel as though my body and mind is not my own and that someone, or something else is in control of me.

If Im honest, Id say that I still wonder about Avoidantism. Maybe there is some credibility to it being, all or part, a demonic oppression. I do not know.

I know that since I am saved and belong to God, possession by the enemy is not possible. But perhaps oppression is. Oppression means that something hovers around pulling the strings like that commercial where you see that dark rain cloud following around that person no matter where they go.

I still think this is a possibility.

My heart goes out to anyone that is in a relationship with an Avoidant. I have had more than a few people that are attempting this huge feat email me for help.

My main advice to them is patience. Then after you have exhausted your patience, be patient some more. And when that amount of patience is gone, be patient some more.

I know its hard. As this is where being a Christian comes in. This amount of patience is way beyond anything that a normal person can muster,

You will only find this sort of patience and understanding by relying on God.

My wife wrote a bit, well actually more than just a bit, in response to 1 person that emailed me about trying to cope with an Avoidant.

Im going to copy her email here in the hopes that others will benefit from it. Hang on, its rather long.

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Being on the other end of the avoidant personality ride, it's really difficult to put things in words regarding my feelings. When I met my husband, I went into the relationship with blind faith. I knew that he was different, and knew that God wanted me to be with him. I do not feel like I had a choice to say "no, I don't think I'm up to dealing with this for the rest of my life". So, with that being said, I believe that all of us that the Lord asked to stand by a person with Avoidant Personality Disorder, it is for a reason, and we cannot say "no" to God's request. Trust me, it has been a brutal, bumpy ride. Being the spouse of an avoidant, it is probably more difficult than being a friend to one.

Early in our marriage, I found that I was slowly being drawn away from friends and family that were so close to me. My husband always made me feel like now that I was married, I should spend more time with him and less with others. When I would talk to friends or family on the phone, he would get almost mean, or offended that I wasn't paying attention to him. He did this to the point that I isolated myself from everyone.

Lesson #1-Do not allow the behavior of the avoidant cause you to lose your own support system. Isolation is not a good thing! You will definitely need support, but please be careful of who you confide in. Confiding in your family and friends about your spouse should be done with great consideration. I am blessed that my family and the close friends I confided in were those that encouraged me to stay and they would uplift us in prayer. I did have a few friends that encouraged me to leave my husband.

My husband would goof around in church with our daughter and goof around in the grocery store to the point where it seemed he did not care others were around and he was bothering them. I would always get so angry because I thought he had no manners and he was just trying to act up to get attention on himself. It wasn't until the Lord revealed things to me that I clearly understood, then was able to have extreme compassion towards him.

Lesson #2-Avoidants implement coping mechanisms in various forms. Avoidant Personality Disorder is the root from which other phobias stem from...Agoraphobia, Schizophrenia, etc... My husband was terrified of crowded places. He would use our daughter as a focal point to distract and drown out his hurt and discomfort of going to church or anywhere else in public. It is important that you recognize this behavior and not let the Avoidant manipulate others for their gain. Try helping that person (in baby steps) figure out a way to conquer their fears.

Once the Lord revealed things to me about my husband's condition, He also blessed me with the wonderful gift of compassion and empathy. Now, I do not always operate in those gifts, but when I put my "self" aside as we go thru turbulence, and look thru eyes of compassion and empathy, I see this: I see a man that has done soooooooooo good, given the situation he was given. He is a wonderful man, full of love, full of ideas, full of hurt...and someone that needed my love to be able to break thru to healing. 11 years later, I see a man that isn't as hurt as he once was. He is thriving. God is using him. I'm proud of him. I'm blessed that he is my husband. His pain has caused me to be a better person. I know I am more patient, loving, tender because of him.

Lesson #3-You don't have to understand how to fix that person. Just know that if the Lord has put this person in your path, He will be faithful to give you wisdom, understanding and knowledge how to help them. You were chosen to help this person and God never calls you to ministry then fails to give you the tools to accomplish it. Love this person like you have never loved before. 1 Corinthians 13:13 - Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.

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So there you have it right from the horses mouth. My wife is a saint for putting up with me. She is such anyway.

All this to say that its not easy living with an Avoidant. In fact, its probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. But I think its worth it for both the Avoidant and the one that learns to live with the Avoidant. Its not in the easy times that we grow and mature. Its the tuff things in life that God will use to mold you and make you and your spouse into the person of God that you were meant to me.

So dont try to run away from the problem. Dont try to pretend you are not an Avoidant. Or if you are trying to live with an Avoidant, dont try to fix him or her. It will only make things worse. Just try to be understanding, compassionate and patient.

Focus on the good things and try as best you can to forgive the bad. Criticism will kill an Avoidant.

Well, thats enough for now.








This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. I have set up a survey on AvPD. Click here to take it. I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.