Black Outs and walking on egg shells

Having this Avoidant thing inside is a constant battle. I am always having to examine everything I say and do. I am married and have a daughter. Anything that comes from the Avoidant could be wrong, wreck the marriage and even my relationship with my daughter.

Its like walking on egg shells 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I cannot not be in my guard. If I let it down even for a second, the Avoidant could rise up and cause problems. All this treading lightly is very tiresome. In the last 10 years since I have been married. I have gone from a nice head of brown hair to a much thinner receding head of grey.

I am not saying in any way that marriage has not been good or worth it. In fact, I will say just the opposite. If it was not for my wife and child, I think it very possible, or even probable, that the Avoidant would have completely taken over in my life. Its only this constant battle that I have to be aware of that lets me stay in control and keep the Avoidant at bay.

What I am battling here lately are Black outs. I do not know if these are caused by the Avoidant, or the epilepsy that I had as a child, or a combo of both. I have had these all my life. I had an episode in the military at Lackland AFB. I had just graduated from Basic Training.

My parents drove to San Antonio to see me. We went off base and toured the city. But all this was unknown to me. A few weeks later was Christmas. I was looking at a photo album and noticed some pictures with me in it. I did not recognize them. It was like looking at a total strangers pics. My parents were in the pics as well and it looked like San Antonio.

I asked my parents about them and they told me that it was our day in San Antonio ofter graduation from Basic Training. I had no idea. It was an entire day that was missing from my life. To this day, I have no memory of this.

I have had other episodes like this throughout my life. I plan on going to the VA to get it looked at. I have no clue what to expect or if anything will come of it at all. Those out there that are Avoidants should be able to empathize on this.

I fear going to the VA. What if they find something? What if they do not find something? Either scenario seems just as bad.

















This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.