Ya know, this blog has been great for me so far. At least now I can identify where problems are. I’ve still no clue how to fix or head off at the pass, but at least I have identified them. It’s like they say in Alcoholics Anonymous and other things like that. The 1st step is admitting it’s a problem. I took the 1st step already and perhaps even went over board. Not only did I admit it, but admitted it to the world.
I was talking to my wife last night and suddenly the lights came on. I have always known that this happened, but I could never explain it. Well, now I can.
When I am emotionally threatened, or perceive a potential threat, I disconnect. This threat can be a fight, someone yelling or mad at me. It can even be a threatening posture or perhaps even the smell in the air. Not sure as I often can intuit things that others cannot. But Im getting off the subject. The point I am trying to make is that there are many things that can cause me to disconnect. Even a bad day. I don’t think I even know all my triggers, but I know now that they are there.
The main thing I know is what happens. It’s like my mind disconnects from my emotions. It might even be a disconnect from my Spirit. With all the things that I went through in getting hurt, especially in my Air Force days, I tend to think it’s my emotions that disconnect. After all, if my emotions are not present, I can’t get hurt, right?
When I was in the Air Force, in Correctional Custody, I had 4 sergeants within an inch or so of my ears that yelled at the top of their lungs that I was worthless, never would amount to anything, and other such niceties. The pain from their yelling and insults was so bad, that I broke, cried and blubbered all over the place. What they said became ingrained in me and I cannot get it out.
If I was to trouble shoot myself, I would say that at that point, the pain was so unbearable that my emotions, and perhaps Spirit, detached from my brain/body in order to prevent massive damage. Now whenever I’m faced with anything even close to this, I disconnect. That way, the pain, or potential pain, cannot hurt me.
The problem is that I have no control over this. I can’t control when it might happen. It seems to be just as involuntary as breathing or my heart beating. It’s a defense mechanism which sometimes I’m very thankful for. I have been hurt a lot on my life. The Air Force is a huge example of this and probably the most devastating and what triggered it and made it permanent.
When I disconnect, I have no control. I cannot get back in any way, shape or form. It’s almost like a movie that I’m watching of myself. I can no more control things that I can manipulate a movie. I try very hard. Especially when it’s a situation like a fight with my wife. I want desperately to make up, but I have to wait. Eventually, I reconnect.
My poor wife though has to put up with this. Shinks I don’t care, or want to make up. The reality is that I desperately do care and want to make up. It’s just that I seem to have no choice but to wait to be reconnected. I’m hopeful that through all this writing, I will find a way to heal. I’m just not sure how right now. Since this blog was all God’s idea, Im hopeful it will help
This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.
http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com
Like this post! Just what I have been thinking about lately. I have a question though - do you think it really helps in the long term to disconnect? After last weeks therapy I realized that disconnecting only eliminates the emotions and problems for a while, but once I have to face them again,like one now 8 years later, the problem and emotions are just like they were nearly a decade ago! Unbelievable! I don't think I want to go on living like that. Need to deal and let go.
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