My brain has gone blank with regards to Threat Assessment Ratings, so I will have to put that on the back burner for now. What I need to write today is about something different, yet not so much.
Yesterday was Friday. My wife had been working all day and so had I. She called me on my cell and wanted to know if she should continue without me or drop by the house and pick me up. I said sure; Id love for her to come get me so that we could spend a little time together that evening.
So my wife came home and we went out together. She said she had a few places she wanted to go and I was happy to be with her for a while.
We were driving along when my wife said that there was an Explorer that she wanted to look at. It was at a car dealership!
Now anyone that has Avoidant Personality Disorder knows that being impromptu is one of the scariest situations that we face. When I am expected to go into a social situation, I need as much advanced notice as possible. It’s like preparing for a music recital or that dreaded English test in school. I have to prepare myself to be able to tackle the social graces that are required. I have to mentally prepare myself to know what to say, how to say it, when to say it, and the unknown.
And add to the possibility of having to deal with a Used Car Salesman.! This is he worst of the worst. Used Car Salesmen are the most advanced kind of, mind game playing, butt kissing, scum bag, socially manipulative, money hungry, predators that exists on the planet. The only situation I can think of that’s more scary and awkward that this would be an entire room filled with Used Car Salesmen.
Going to this car dealership was sprung on me out of the blue. In the past, when my wife wanted to see a used car, we simply parked outside the lot, we walked over to see the car or cars that she liked, she drooled over them a while, then we got back into out car and drove off. Pretty painless for the most part.
Though I have to describe painless just a bit. I hate window shopping. Rejection is a huge problem in my life. Going to look at something that I know I can’t afford, or for what ever reason can’t have, is a form of rejection. The higher priced and large the item, the more rejection I feel. I huge and expensive (expensive to us) Ford Explorer is therefore a massive amount of rejection. I have quite enough rejection and problems in my life, thank you very much. This is just one more huge thing that might just send me over the edge into that void from which I may or may not return.
Back to my story. I though to myself, I don’t like this, but I want to do it for my wife. Since the past has been that its just a short time we spend looking at this and then leave, I will gladly put up with this. I can deal with it because I love my wife and I’m trying very hard to make her happy and not let my short comings rule me.
So we parked at the dealership and went to look at the Explorer that she liked. I have to admit that it was pretty and would make her a nice vehicle. Of course, the only thing I could think of was the gas bill this monster would require of me.
We looked at the truck. The dealership was open, so I knew I was in danger. I knew that if we tarried here long, the predator would sense our presence and move in for the kill. It’s kind of like in a good war movie. We were moving through the enemy’s territory. I was trying not to make any more disturbance than absolutely necessary in the hopes that I could get out of there alive.
But it was not to be. The predator saw us and moved in. He asked if we wanted to see inside. My wife said yes. I was pleading with her in my mind to say no, because I knew this was the enemy’s tactics. Once we were inside the vehicle, we would be doomed.
My wife looked around inside the Explorer. She was hooked. The enemy had trapped us inside its web and there was no escape. Now my only hope was that I would survive the night.
I was trying to remain outside the vehicle, but I knew this would not last long. Having to get inside the vehicle was yet another level of fear and rejection. My wife was over come with desire and admiration for the explorer that she wanted, and had wanted for so very long. She asked me to sit inside. Even though I knew this a trap, I was also hoping to salvage the night and also our relationship. So I got inside.
After a while, I could see my wife glowing and the question about to pop from her mouth. Then when she could not contain it anymore, out it came. I can’t recall her exact words now as I’ve already blocked some of it from my mind. Weather this block was intentional of unintentional, I do not know.
But in essence, she was asking if we could buy this Explorer. Logic set in on me and I said it would be better if we waited. Very thankfully, she agreed. Though perhaps begrudgingly. I could not really tell.
The enemy approached again as if sensing the exact time needed to move back in for the final blow. My wife told him that we would need to go talk about it. I thought that perhaps this was it. Our way out. But then again, I know our enemy. I know that they don’t let victims leave their web without a fight.
Now I don’t quite remember what was said by the predator. But I know the aftermath of it. Both my wife and I, we were willingly following our enemy into the very heart of his abode. This is where victims were slaughtered and their bodies mutilated. This was the worst of the worst of the worst. To walk away from the enemy’s very abode unscathed would require nothing short of a miracle.
Im not going to spend much time wrapping this up. Partially becase the moment has passed and when I write, if I dont get to what I need to put down right then, I can no longer connect to the emotion of it. When that happens, anything I write becomes lifeless. So all that to say that I may or may not be able to come back to this. Surfice to say that I did make it out alive from the enemies layer, but not without wounds. Wounds came in the form of my poor wife, which I left out to dry with the enemy which I cowered in the back on the room.
It was not too bas because I had my daugher there as protection.
This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.
http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com
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