I love having Avoidance.
Hmm.. maybe I should explain that a bit. I hate that I have this Avoidant problem. I hate that the Avoidant wins so often while the Normal has to take a back seat and watch. But I love that I get to help others that suffer from this. Weather that suffering comes from being the Avoidant, or from being in a relationship with the Avoidant.
For me, having Avoidance is a bit like having multiple personalities.
Some days its the Avoidant that is in charge. Some days, the normal wins the day. When the Avoidant is running things, the Normal has to sit in his corner and watch, like a boy in school that did bad and was sent to stand in the corner.
The one that does not have the dominance that day is subservient to the other or in some cases like the other was non-existent. Its like watching a movie. The normal is off in space somewhere watching the Avoidant live out there lives, or that day or week or however long it is that the Avoidant dominates.
An example would be those stories we have all heard of near death experiences. These people see themselves on an operating table while doctors work to revive them. All the while they are hovering over themselves. They can hear and see what is going on, but cannot do anything to interfere or say; Here I am".
The Normal is powerless to do anything but watch. This was not what I was going to say, but its where I started at. I will go into more detail on another blog and add that to the book.
I got another email from someone that, as always remains nameless. Just like that old TV show Dragnet, the names have been changes to protect the innocent. Their story rang very very true for me. Except for a few details, its the same story that my wife would tell. In fact, its the same story that every Avoidant out there, or the person that is in the relationship with the Avoidant, will tell you.
Being an Avoidant is short means, that you Avoid. Thats why I am calling the name of my book; Avoiding Life. We dont try to Avoid, but just dont have a choice.
I have been married now for 11 years. My family is all back in Texas. Why is a long long story that I wont go into here.
The cliff notes version and summary is that I came here to get married. I was very happy though to leave Texas. My family is not close at all. They all live their separate lives and only get together when they have to like Christmas. My mom has the Avoidant. She has never been diagnosed officially, and its highly doubtful that she will be.
One of my brothers also suffers from Avoidance, but again, has not been diagnosed. It would take a miracle to get him into seeing a doctor about it. Issues like this run throughout my family Im sure.
When I got married here in Idaho, that all changed. Well sort of. My wife's family is close. They do as much as they can together. The only reason we dont do more with them is because we live in Boise, which is about 100 miles from them.
I think God must have laughed his you-know-what off when he got me married into a family that is like night and day from my own. And yes, God does has a sense of humor.
I have tried very hard to get along with my wife's family. But as hard as I try, it just does not quite work. Of course, Im not exactly the socialite with any company. It depends on the day and time. I hate anyone coming over when I just get off work. This is the worst possible time for company. Though its a lot better now that I work from home.
I remember when I did have a job away from the house. I often had pretty stressful jobs that required a lot of mental capacity. I would come home and want to do nothing but watch TV and try to recoup. I did not want to talk to anyone, especially company. If there were people that came over, I would go off and hide somewhere. Perhaps pretend I had work to do, or an important show to watch. Anything to get away from people!
It was like people were Nazis or some other mortal enemy. I had to get away from them anyway that I could. As I said, its better now that I work from home and I have found some healing, but its still there. It seems that after work is usually the very time my wife's family chooses to visit.
These days, I do my best to put on a smile, sit in the living room with them and even muster up some mild conversation. But when the Avoidant is in charge, it takes everything in me to fight this battle. I have tried to get my wife to understand. And she does the best she can. She has come a long way in the understanding department.
What Normals have to understand though its that we cant just get over it. I hear this all the time. It makes no sense and its not logical. Therefore, the Avoidant should be able to just Get over It, or quit being that way. I hear this one from my wife a lot as well. Why are you being that way? Why cant you just be normal?
LOL. If the Avoidant could be normal. they would not be an Avoidant. That defies logic.
My wifes family is made up, of course of all normals. They have no clue what the Avoidant deals with. I even tried once to print out a description of Avoidants. Boy, was that a mistake. It only made them more confused and afraid of me.
I used to have a more detailed write up of an Avoidant, but it looks like that web site is no more. I much as I hate to say this, in a relationship between a normal and as Avoidant, its the normal that has the bulk of the burden. Weather the relationship works or does not work is largely going to depend in them.
Avoidance does not make any sense. Its not logical. For a Normal to be able to understand Avoidance, requires a lot of empathy and understanding. The Normal has to be able to understand what even the Avoidant cannot understand. It requires something outside our understanding. This is why I said its critical to know God and be a Christian. God is the only one that can give the Normal this revelation.
So if anyone needs to just Get Over it, its the Normal that has to do this. They have to be able to get over their thought process that we should all be like them and that we can change. Of course with the help of God, we can change, but it takes time. Lots of time.
This brings me to the next issue. The misconception that once an Avoidant becomes a Christian, that the Avoidant problems just go away. God can do this, but more often than not, does not. For example, when someone that smokes because a Christian, they become a Christian that smokes.
If someone that drinks becomes a Christian, they become a Christian that drinks. If someone watches porn, they become a Christian that watches porn. If an Avoidant, a Christian that is also Avoidant. Someone that is overweight becomes a Christian that is overweight. And so on and so on. Becoming a Chrisitian does not mean that God waives his magic wand and presto chango, you no longer have any issues.
It just does not work that way. Now, God can do these things if he chooses, but the norm is that we have to do the work to get out of these things. And as I have said a million times, for the Avoidant, this change and healing often takes place by baby steps. And just because it takes time, which in the case of the Avoidant is a lot of time, this does not make it any less of a healing and a miracle.
So, lots and lots to digest I know. In summary, to be in a good healthy relationship with an Avoidant, A huge part of the responsibility lies on the Normal, not the Avoidant! Its the normal that is going to feel the brunt of this. Is it fair? No, its not. But this is the deal. Being in a relationship with an Avoidant is not easy.
But if it was easy, everyone wold be doing it!
Go with God but go Without Avoidance
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
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