My wife and I went to Walmart recently. While we were there, we saw some bulbs. Its planting time and I wanted to get some nice flowers for our front yard. I had been priming the pump with my wife for a few weeks, so this seemed like the right time.
I picked up some bulbs and showed them to my wife. My wife asked me how I was going to plant them. Now I know that my wife knows how to plant bulbs. So in my head, the only conclusion I could come to is that she did not want to plant bulbs.
My wife seemed to be making excuses as to why we should not get bulbs. So in my best logical manner, I told her how to plant. Do you ever have those times in your life that you just want to erase? You do it, but as soon as you do, you know its wrong and is going to be a huge mess.
But you have already done it. Its too late. its out there. The poop as hit the fan. Now its just a matter of time before the fan blades shred up all that poop and blow it back into your face. Its like watching the worst version of yourself play out. All the while you are powerless to do anything.
Its a bit like a bad movie. You go into this movie knowing its bad. But as bad as you know it is, you continue to sit there with your eyes fixed. You are frozen and cat move. Well, in Walmart, I left like that.
I knew what I was doing was going to blow back into my face. I knew I was creating a huge mess that was going to be very hard to recover from, if we could recover at all. But knowing that did not change a thing. The 2 trains (My wife and I) were coming head on at each other, we were going to wreck and it was not going to be pretty.
So here I went. Choo Choo!
"I would move back the rocks, I would take something sharp, poke through the weed barrier, dig into the ground a few inches, put in the bulb, put dirt in the hole, and then cover it back with rocks."
Of course now I can see my mistake. My wife felt as it I was calling her stupid. I was explaining to her how to plant bulbs, which she had surely done a thousand times. Plus I raised my voice because I did not seem to be getting through.
To make matters worse, we were in WalMart, where there were lots of people. So she felt like I was scolding her in front of all these people like she was 5.
But this was exactly what my wife was doing to me. I had planted flowers many times and it really irritated me that I had to explain it to her. Especially when I knew that she knew this as well. So she had to have some sort of ulterior motive to all this.
If this was not bad enough, our daughter was with is and heard everything. I can only imagine what this was doing to her. No wonder she hates sleeping alone and wont let either of us out of her sight.
It was one of the worst nights of our marital lives. I am still trying to figure out how we could have avoided it. We have recovered. But it was not easy.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
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