The other day, my wife told me that I should write about how I have progressed over the years. She is right, as she usually is. As far as I know, no one really knows the cause of Avoidant Persoanlity. Im guessing its genetic, past down from the parents to their children. But in my life, there are events that I can point to that have made the condition much much worse. I am speaking of my time in the military. I will write about that next time.
When I go out of the military, I was a mess. I remember going to the mall. It was such a horrible experience. I felt like my mind was being split to everyone in the mall. It is like my mind was trying to evaluate everyone around me for threat levels. Anyone that was considered in my mind as a threat, which was most of them, would have to be avoided.
I would get so paranoid and overwhelmed with all this that I would have to leave after a pretty short time. When my wife and I 1st got married, we would fight a lot. Just about non-stop. Its a wonder that we survived at all.
We have been married for 9 year now. Its been almost 20 years since I left the military.
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Now I can go to the mall like normal people. Well almost. After about an hour or so, I will start to feel overwhelmed, but not as bad as before. I know when its time to go. But I do still have this very annoying thing. When I am on the 2nd floor of the mall, I have this small nagging thing in my mind that says to jump over the rail to the bottom floor. Its very annoying but of course is not gong to happen. But I do wonder as I get older if it will become a problem. When people get older, they tend to lose a bit of their mind control and sometimes do weird things. Especially if they go into Dementia or even full on Alzheimers.
I can meet people, but I still avoid large crowds. The larger the crowd, the more reserved I am. But its far better than it once was. I still think about trying to get help. If I knew of someone that I thought could help, I would try it. I have tried going to shrinks, but they seem to be of little if any help. I don't want to go to someone that has learned what an Avoidant is from a book and thinks they know how to treat it. I want to go to someone that is, or has been, an Avoidant.
Unless someone has lived being an Avoidant, I don't think they could help. They would not know what its really like to live with the disorder so I don't think they could possibly understand how to deal with it. So if I can find someone like this, I will certainly seek them out. But until then, I think God is my best choice. He is of course the best choice anyway, but God gives the ability to heal to docs and such.
I wished that I had contact with all Avoidants or as many as possible. But I don't know if this is possible. The very nature of being an avoid ant is to avoid things. Many Avoidants might not even bother being on-line. Many more probably don't actively search for help. Many more don't even know that they are an avoidant.
What I would like to know from other Avoidants is what they think caused their condition, if they have days that are better than others, and if anything seems to help.
For example, for me, I have found that certain vitamins help a lot. In fact, my wife calls them my "Happy Pills". They are from Advocare and are called MSN Max E. They are a bit expensive, but they are the only thing I have ever found that really helps. When I take these vitamins, I feel better. Some days I feel almost normal. (Though I am not sure what being normal actually feels like)
These are not magic pills. They don't magically take away the fear, the anxiety, the social awkwardness etc..., but they do take the edge off and on some days even more.
I have a poor diet. I don't eat veggies and very little fruit. So I would love to know if a poor diet is something that others Avoidants have. If that is the case that having a poor diet is a cause or contributing factor for this problem, then simply improving ones diet or taking good quality vitamins like Advocare might solve, or at least help.
If anyone out that knows how to contact more Avoidants and get the word out about this, I would appreciate it.
This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com
Hi. Recently I have discovered, what it means the to an avoidant partner (which I think I am) and what it means to have a avoidant personality disorder as well. This was actually brought to my attention by an ex girlfriend that seems to an avoidant partner herself. I generally attract women that give me the feeling of being smothered or suffocated, but obviously they're normal. My feelings of anxiety, and fear of someone truly knowing who I am prohibit me from completely opening up and giving myself to them. In the midst of past relationships, I would find things to distract myself, tv, video games, books, my guitar, alone time to avoid connecting on a higher, deeper level with my partners. I have come to thus realization this week. I always thought I normal and these were hobbies I enjoyed and needed to have in my life to create that boundary to ensure the control over the fear of someone hurting me and eventually leaving me in the end.
ReplyDeleteMy parents have been married for close to fifty years now and I have frequently said it that it is one of the most unhealthy relationships. A horrible example for me to witness during my formative years and to this day. I think i've picked up my avoidant partner tendencies from them, but specifically my father. He's constantly pushing my mother away by watching tv, ignoring her requests, by fighting with her tooth and nail about any opinion or suggestions she may have for him. I hope my future has a healthy, avoidant tendency free, relationship waiting for me.
I know it has been a while since you left this reply. But I am going back through my blog and re-reading it. I am a Pastor now and have received a level of healing from this disorder. I am going to be running a group for Avoidants and others with similar afflictions. If you are interested, the group starts tomorrow at 7:00 pm MT. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/needsmet/2013/10/10/keeping-it-real
DeleteThanks for leaving the comment. It seems that many avoidants don't wish to be known. We hide our illness and try to pretend that everything is ok. Or just plain hide. Just like any alcoholism, drug addiction, or anything else, the 1st step is to admit there is a problem. This is the hardest because Avoidants are sooooo misunderstood. Normals (if there is such a thing) see our condition as something in our head that can just be gotten over or turned off. Even my wife has a hard time with this. She tries very hard to understand me and make allowances for my condition, but even she sometimes poo-poos weaknesses that are a result of the Avoidant that I have no control over.
ReplyDeleteHave you been officially diagnosed as an Avoidant? It does not sound like you have. You might want to seek out a professional to look into this. To this day, I don't really know how the shrink I went to see diagnosed me as an Avoidant. There are a lot of shades of grey to this. Some shrinks I have seen since then just label me as depressed. I think it must be very difficult to figure out if someone is depressed, an Avoidant, Multiple Personality (which I often feel like), Social Anxiety, or a host of other similar issues. I think of being an Avoidant as a wrapper that includes all of these other things.
There seems to be very little real info out there on being an Avoidant. I have read articles from professionals. But I could care less about reading something from someone that has head knowledge about Avoidants, but has never lived it. Unless someone has lived being an Avoidant, there have no clue what it is really like.
From what I have read, and my own personal experience, it seems to be genetic. In other words, if you are an Avoidant, you probably got it from one of your parents. Sounds like in your case, you are right on that its your dad. But life can also make the condition either better or worse. In my case, my time in the Air Force made it much worse than it ever would have been it I had not been there.
I have been writing this blog on and off for a while now. Very few people leave comments. I have visited other blogs and web sites on Avoidants. Most have been abandoned. I think the very nature of the disorder is that people with the issue don't want to talk about it. Maybe they are too messed up to want to bother.
If you are new to this discovery and are looking for info and help, I would recommend trying to find other Avoidants to talk to. I have no clue if there are such things are support groups for us. If there are some out there, I would love to find out about them. I don't recommend putting a lot of hope in shrinks unless you can find one that is an actual Avoidant. Not sure if such exists. I have only found 3 sources of real hope for this. The 1st one is God. Without God, I don't think I would have made it this for in life. The 2nd is writing about my life, struggles and experiences. For me, this helps a ton.
The 3rd is my wife. She tries very hard to understand. She is not perfect, but she does try. So she is a goof source of help. For you, and anyone else out there that is struggling with being an Avoidant, I would love to talk here or one on one via email. If we all come together and talk about Avoidants, maybe we can help other and even defeat this.
Hello Pastor Dacus , Thank you so much for this Blog. I don't even know how to begin to express my thoughts about avoidant personality. I'm very grateful I found this blog! I believe it was God Sent I just pray you'll read this since it's been a while since you've posted this blog. I don't have avoidant personality but the man I have fallen in Love with does. I believe he does everything I have read on avoidant personally fits him to the T. He had trauma as a child abandonment issues . He is also Military and is still involved in Military he is a Chief probation officer who is a workaholic. He was married before it lasted 6 years and she cheated on him, more trauma . That was 7 years ago ! How I met him was online . I was 49 and he was 50 now I'm 51 and he's 52. We hit it off and we both felt a connection. He opened up to me maybe because he thought nothing would come out of this online relationship but after a few months I had strong feelings for him I believe he did too so he wanted to meet in person and we did . It was amazing for both of us! After that he made excuses and he disappeared. I tried reaching out but it was hopeless . So I distanced myself and he came back we talked for a couple of months we became close again then he became cold all of a sudden and he pulled away .. so we continued talking off and on for several months then I didn't hear from him for two months. He came back confessed his love for me said he was afraid of my love that he loved me that he didn't want to lose me that I was the one etc. I cried of Joy because I had been praying for him because I knew I couldn't help him only God can. Anyways we were back as we once started the feeling we had in the beginning was still there. Two weeks into being back together he started being negative again . He started saying I wish you weren't so Christian . I wish you were more adventurous. I feel your stalking me etc. I'm thinking , were is this coming from ? So I backed off and didn't call him for a two days and he texted me . Is your phone working ? I said yes, he responded okay!!!! Two days later I texted him saying that I distanced myself a bit because I sense he was confused and wasn't sure of what he wanted one day he's sure I'm the one . Two weeks later he's finding faults.. I reassured him that he is whom I want and that I want a future with him. That I am sure of what and who I want. It's been almost two months and I haven't heard anything! Do I give up ? Does he really love me? Why does he keep coming back? How can I help him? Please help me understand....
ReplyDeleteClaudia
Hi Claudia,
DeleteThis scenario that you describe is all too common. I relate a lot of examples to computers, since that is what I do. I hope the example makes sense to you. People that have Avpd are like a computer with 2 apposing sets of instructions. 1 instructions tells them to love you. The other tells them to hate you, or at least avoid you because you will hurt them. These 2 instructions are in direct conflict with each other. Its not possible for the computer to complete both instructions. It is just not possible to love someone and hate them at the very same time.
So what happens is that the computer develops a Psychosis like the computer Hal, if you have watched 2001 the Space Odyssey. In the movie Hal was given 2 order in direct conflict with each other. The result was that the computer malfunctioned and did some crazy things that resulted in it breaking down completely.
Those with Avod can be seen in much the same way. On the one hard, this person wants to love you. On the other, this person wants to hate you because they fear you will hurt them. Its just not possible for them to do both, so the result is a break down and they end up running away in fear.
The trick is not to scare them. I know this makes those with Avpd sound like its not worth the bother. But think of someone with Avpd like they have Cancer, or some other physical ailment. If this person you love had Cancer, what would you do? If the answer to that is that you would run away, then you, and the person you love, is probably better off that you do just that.
Or if they had Cancer, would you love him or her anyway and have compassion and understanding for them and walk on eggshells (Go Overboard) to not frighten them or hurt them. If you would do that for him if he, or she, had Cancer, then why not this?
There is no Difference. Someone with Avpd deserves that very same love and understanding as someone that has Cancer, or any other physical ailment. Does that help??