Yesterday I got a very nice letter from someone that read my blog. I responded as I always do when I know of comments that were left or I get an email. I love responding to people about what its like being an Avoidant. This has become my passion in life. Maybe if we all band together and talk, we can figure out more about what AVPD is and how to cope with it and perhaps even find a cure.
I think that mental issues like AVPD get a bum rap. The outward physical issues like AIDS, muscular dystrophy and other such diseases get all the press, all the fund raising, and all the grace from folks. Oh, dont get me wrong, they deserve research and such. But what about us? Why dont we get any research, funds for research, and exposure? Why isnt someone trying to find a cure for AVPD? Oh, well, thats my rant for this fine morning.
The email that I received caused me to want to take a look for comments that have been left to my postings over the years. I was amazed to see that I have had several. WoW! I really need to apologize for not commenting on the comments. I didnt receive notifications for most all of these that a comment had been left. Very sorry people. I did not mean to ignore anyone. I did get some of these comments, so a few of your did get replies. If I commented on your comment, I linked it so the full comment can be read.
I thought that instead of trying to go into each and every one of these posts and leave a comment, Id comment on all of them here. Oh, I might go ahead and go into the actual post anyway and leave my comment, but I want to leave them in mass here.
So here I go. I will publish the comment and add my comment to their comment. My apologies if your comment was meant to be private. I will try to be sensitive if I see anything in your comments that look private. I will also change the names to protect the innocent. Yep, I used to watch Drag Net.
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"Hi. Recently I have discovered, what it means the to an avoidant partner (which I think I am) and what it means to have a avoidant personality disorder as well. This was actually brought to my attention by an ex girlfriend that seems to an avoidant partner herself. I generally attract women that give me the feeling of being smothered or suffocated, but obviously they're normal. My feelings of anxiety, and fear of someone truly knowing who I am prohibit me from completely opening up and giving myself to them. In the midst of past relationships, I would find things to distract myself, tv, video games, books, my guitar, alone time to avoid connecting on a higher, deeper level with my partners. I have come to thus realization this week. I always thought I normal and these were hobbies I enjoyed and needed to have in my life to create that boundary to ensure the control over the fear of someone hurting me and eventually leaving me in the end.
My parents have been married for close to fifty years now and I have frequently said it that it is one of the most unhealthy relationships. A horrible example for me to witness during my formative years and to this day. I think i've picked up my avoidant partner tendencies from them, but specifically my father. He's constantly pushing my mother away by watching tv, ignoring her requests, by fighting with her tooth and nail about any opinion or suggestions she may have for him. I hope my future has a healthy, avoidant tendency free, relationship waiting for me."
My Reply and thoughts
I hope this for you as well. But the truth of it is that its going to take a lot of hard work to achieve that.
AVPD is not something you can quickly and easily just get over. I wish that it was. I will be 51 this year. I just now feel that a break through might be on the horizon for me. But its been a long long road. In the words of another, but good TV show; "It took a whole lotta tryin' Just to get up that hill."If you wish to read my full comment, click here.
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"thank you for having the courage to create, and maintain, your blog."
My Comment and thoughts
You are most welcome. For me, writing in this blog has been a very good therapy. I loved writing even before. But having AVPD has given me some focus for my writing. In fact, I know that I have lapsed a bit in my writing here. I also write a blog called Keeping it Real. But I will vow to focus more on this and write in here more often.
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"I just want to say thank you for writing, please keep it up!"
My Comment and thoughts
Most welcome. There seems to be so little out there written by actual Avoidants. Most of the blogs that I have found out there have been long since abandoned. If anyone knows of an active blog, or place where I can find a good number of Avoidants, please let me know.
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"I also am a Christian with Avoidant Personality Disorder. But I was only diagnosed a few years ago and I am now in my 50s. All those years before my diagnosis, I thought my problem was spiritual. John said, "Pure love casts out fear." But there was always fear, ergo, I was not a good Christian. I really struggled, doing my best to live as Christ would have me live, and trying exercise greater faith in Him. No success. So it was actually a relief to find out that it was a psychological problem, not spiritual. In fact, my diagnosis was a spiritual experience wherein the Lord made it known to me that had the problem been spiritual, I had done all I needed to do to be healed. But - and here, finally, is the point: To fulfill His purposes, we are not always healed physically (or psychologically). But we can always rely on Him for spiritual healing. The problem with AvPD is that it affects our ability to be Christlike so we never feel spiritually whole. I hope that makes sense!"
My Comment and thoughts
Ya know, one of the most profound revelations that I have had in the last few years has been that some things are in your head. I used to be addicted to porn as well. I struggled with that one for many years.
One day, I read somewhere about someone that was also addicted to porn and was delivered from it. The person ministering to them said that it was an evil spirit that had attached itself to their mind. This had never occurred to me. I always thought that being possessed was impossible for a Christian, which it is. But I had never thought about the mind and put it into this equation. So my problem all these years was an evil spirit, or call it what you wish if you dont believe in such, had infected my mind!! All I needed to do was pray to get that out of my mind. Now that does not mean that its still not a battle. But it does mean that its not a strong foothold like it was. Maybe AVPD is similar.
If you want to read my full comment, click here.
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"Thanks for posting this, Phillip. We all have struggles, whether emotionally or physically, and it's true that many Christians feel guilty or responsible if they are not healed of these things right away. It's great to read some honest thoughts and questions, while still held against a backdrop of faith."
This one is from my very good friend Eric Wilson. I know that he would not mind his full real name out here become he is an author. He wrote the book "Fireproof", which was actually a huge diversion from his normal style. He writes very good, cutting edge (which means he writes stuff that is not exactly in keeping with normal traditional Christian thought), Christian Fiction. He is not an Avoidant, but does seem, or at least try, to understand the struggles of it.
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"Hey, much luck on going to school. It's a worthwhile endeavor, and like most things that have a pay off, (not necessarily in the monetary sense) they come with a lot of hardship. This will be a time of spiritual, emotional, and mental growth for you, so try to suck it all in and enjoy the things you glean from it."
My Comment and thoughts
This comment was left during the time that I attended BBC (Boise Bible College). I only attended 2 semesters. I felt that God told me that this was all I needed. School was very very tuff on me. My AVPD meant that I was not able to talk to the professors and get the help I needed. I also had a very hard time getting to know any of my fellow students. That plus I still worked full time. This made trying to get all that I needed to get out of school beyond difficult.
"Sucking it up" just doesnt work for Avoidants. Maybe If I hadnt had to work full time, I could have done better. But in the end, God had more for me that BBC could provide. If you want to read more about where I was at this time, click here.
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"I read this post with great interest. While it's totally understandable to feel the way you do about your current situation, I would like to challenge you to question the validity of the thoughts you're thinking, which are driving the emotions you're experiencing.
Any time we base our self-worth in external things, we are setting ourselves up for depression and failure. We have very little, if any, control over external things. Our decisions can have an affect on circumstances, but ultimately, there are many things in our lives that we have no control over.
Do we fail? Yes. Are we failures? NO!! Can we make better choices, sure. I know from experience the trap we can get ourselves into, and I encourage you to really think about the self-talk you're using. Do not base your personal view of yourself on external circumstances. Instead, accept that mistakes have been made, and resolve to do better next time. Do the next RIGHT thing.
All of this is easier said than done, and I don't mean to sound overly-simplistic. But, I know that it does work, even if it takes time to implement. You have friends that care. Lean on them."
My Comment and thoughts
I dont know if this person is an avoidant or not. If I had to guess, Id guess that they are not. I was in this place once as well. I used to judge what I didnt understand. I used to condemn people for not just Getting Over it. I used to think that with a little more Bible Reading, a little more prayer, a little more Church attendance, and a better relationship with God, that anything could be overcome and would go away with 1 magic poof.
I used to think that God would just wave his magic wand and things just went away when we got saved. Or perhaps shortly thereafter. But then I grew up. God can certainly heal instantly and does do that. But more often than not, he does not work this way. When a person that is an alcoholic gets saved, the result is usually a Christan Alcoholic. Same with Drugs, porn, AVPD etc... Its not that much different than working out your salvation on a daily basis.
Im guessing that this person is not an Avoidant either. They sure dont sound like one. Ya know, this is the same reason that I dont go to shrinks (Excuse me... mental health professionals) . I have never found one that is an Avoidant or at least has been, and my guess is that I never will. I am doubtful that the org that governs Shrinks would allow someone that has this disorder to be a Shrink. They would probably see that has a problem that would inhibit them from being able to help others.
I think of this just the opposite. If I was addicted to porn, I would seek help from someone that either has been delivered from porn, or is walking out of it. If I was an alcoholic, I would only want help from someone that was either healed of alcoholism or is in the process of that. Same with AVPD. Why? Well, how could someone that has never dealt with what its like to be an Avoidant be able to identify with me? How could they possible know how I feel? How could they possibly be able to help when they have never walked a single inch in my shoes?
Sure, they read about it in a book, and have a lot of head knowledge, but they have no idea just how hard the struggle really is. So it makes no sense to me at all that someone that has never been an Avoidant would be able to help. Does it to you?
Sorry for the rant. But like I said, I was here once as well. Now, I have a lot of compassion for folks that because of circumstances or issues like AVPD, are the way they are. A person that grew up with a dad that sexually abused them, will very likely grow up to sexually abuse others. A person that grew up with parents that did drugs, or smoked, or drank, is very very likely to grow up with these very same issues. Now, dont take me wrong. We are responsible for our actions. So if a person does wrong, even if they were programmed this way by their parents or surroundings, they are still accountable for those actions and should be reap the consequences. But I have great compassion for them just the same. Because as hard as I try, I just cant be around people. At least not for long. They scare me. If you want to read more on this, click here.
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"Like this post! Just what I have been thinking about lately. I have a question though - do you think it really helps in the long term to disconnect? After last weeks therapy I realized that disconnecting only eliminates the emotions and problems for a while, but once I have to face them again,like one now 8 years later, the problem and emotions are just like they were nearly a decade ago! Unbelievable! I don't think I want to go on living like that. Need to deal and let go."
My Comment and thoughts
I found this comment very interesting. I wrote this about disconnecting. Id guess that this is a common Avoidant issue. It is probably a defense mechanism. At least it is for me. When I am threatened, I retreat. My wife tells me that I dont fight fair. She is right. In a fight, normals (My name for those that dont have AVPD) would probably fight equally. They would argue back and forth and hopefully be able to arrive at a healthy solution. When my wife and I fight, she does all the arguing and I retreat. I feel hurt, and rejected so I ball up into my protective shell, like a turtle does when they sense danger.
They are right though that we can learn to fight this response. Its definitely not easy though and took me years of practice. It is still my 1st reaction. Sometimes it wins and sometimes I win. If you want to read more on this, click here.
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"I also have avoidant personality disorder and I LOVE this blog!
In particular the image of the guy with his head in the sand makes me smile.
I also wanted to mention that I've been helped a lot by going to Social Anxiety Anoymous support groups for overcoming social anxiety, they have both (free) telephone conference call support groups and local face to face groups too-- http://www.healsocialanxiety.com"
My Comment and thoughts
Wow is all I can say. I am amazed at all the positive comments. Thank you. I will check on this web site and find out what they have to offer. I get a kick out of the image I use as well. I think its very important to laugh. Laugh at ourselves, and AVPD. Some days, laughing is all I have to keep me sane. On the web site that I am working on, I will have an entire page, or perhaps pages, devoted to cartoons and laughter. Its the best medicine after all !
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"I think it's great you are writing this blog. Brave considering you are an avoidant. :)"
My Comment and thoughts
Well, on the note of bravery, I have to agree with you. Of course, I give all the credit to God on this. But even in Godly circles, this is not really acceptable. I dont think I have ever known a Church that talked openly about such things as this. In the Church too, mental issues like AVPD get a bum rap. The physical problems get all the love, all the support, and all the grace it seems.
A large part of the problem is our own fault. Avoidants are not vocal. We keep to ourselves. We hide and dont want to let anyone know of our defect. But the Church has not been very accepting of such things either. Mental issues are just not visible like the outward physical things. To someone looking on the outside, we might even seem perfectly normal. This is another trait of Avoidants. (If others dont have this, please let me know) We can fool others into thinking that we are fine. Its just another defense mechanism. We dont want others to think that there is anything wrong. Avoidants are masters at fooling people.
This is something that I am working on. My desire it to start up a web site to go with this blog, and develop a ministry for Avoidants and others with similar social phobias and issues such as this. But I need your help. If you would support such a ministry, please email me and let me know. Let me know what you would like to have in as part of this. Any ideas, thoughts, suggestions etc.., are welcome. Here is my web site that I have right now. The one for Avoidants is under construction.
Thank you, have a good day, and I hope you enjoyed all the comments. I will write more when I can.
This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com
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