Charlie brown lived with rejection. Yet he managed to not let it rule his life. He never gave up trying to kick that football.

Sometimes I think I should have married a physiatrist. Perhaps then, I would have had someone that could at least understand me. But then I wonder if being married to someone that really understood my disorder would be even worse. A Physiatrist that understood Avoidant personalities well might not cut me any slack at all.

My wife does her best to understand, but unless you have actually had such a disorder, its very hard to really get it. Physiatrists say that they get it, but I often wonder if they really do, or they just pretend. When they go home at night, I wonder if they tell their spouses how messed we are and don’t really understand at all why we just can’t get over it.

Over the weekend, my wife and I had a fight. A very silly thing that never should have happened. We were driving in the car and my wife got a call on her cell. My wife lives on her cell phone. She just can’t not answer it when it rings. (Excuse the double negative) Thats not a bad thing, its just the way she is. Her affliction with her cell phone is not unlike me and trouble shooting. I cannot not try to fix things. (There goes that double negative again.)

Well, when she talks on her cell phone in the car, I feel rejected and alone. Its makes me feel like she is ignoring me and paying attention to her caller, which of course she is. Though we don’t always talk a lot when we are driving, I like to at least have the option to talk. When she is on the phone, I cant talk to her even when I have something to say.

When I mentioned this to my wife, she got angry and accused me of not wanting her to have any friends and talk on the phone at all. I tried to tell her so she would understand, but just could not make my illogical arguement logical. We had the same problem when we 1st started dating. We would go out to eat and she would get calls while we were eating dinner. So me this was very rude and again, caused me to feel rejected.

I think even in a normal relationship, these things are rude and should not happen. Then add onto that someone with a relational problem like mine and the issue is compounded many times. She should have every right to talk on the phone anytime she wants to. But for someone in my condtion, it hurts. Its like telling me that I dont matter. Its like that movie Chicago where that guy sings "Mr Celephane." Im not longer in the car and dont really matter anymore. Ive become invisiable!!!

I think in the end, we decided to drop this and sweep it under the rug. Which of course if not good either, but for now, I think its what we had to do.

I feel rejected at the drop of a hat. I try to not feel this way, but not sure when or perhaps even if I will be able to get past it. For better or worse, I blame the Air Force for my troubles in this area. I go back to the Veterans Administration Hospital this Friday for an evaluation. I’m hopeful that the VA will finally, after 20+ years, recognize what they did to me, approve my disability, and give me the help I need.

I feel very sorry for my wife. She has a lot to put up with.


This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com