Weeks 3 - Coping

I received 1 comment to 1 of my post, which is actually 1 more comment that I expected. The reader simply commented that I was brave to do this. Ya know, I guess I am. There are just not many people that seem to be ok with airing out laundry. In Christian circles, this problem is even more profound. Christians just dont talk about thnigs like this. Add to that Pastors, which are even more so inclined to not talk about their problems and failures. How I managed to Pastor (Youth Pastor I was) since im an Avoidant Personality is another stort entirely. In short, I was not a very good Pastor at all. Its hard to pastor people when you just want to run away and not even talk to them.

Here I sit in my chair at my desk working from home. I dont have to talk to anyone, except through a Chat program that we have. I work in a virtual call center. Taking calls is fine because I have a shield between myself and the callers.

Here in my room/office I have complete anominity and protection from the outside world. I have everything I need right here. I work from home. I can order everythinig I need from the internet. I never even have to go outside at all if I dont want to. Of course, I do try and I do go shopping and such. After living as an Avoidant for so many years, Ive learned to hide my feelings quite well. Most of the time, I can cope and deal with the situautions that I face.

I dont want to give the impression that Im a complete shut in and I dont get out cause I do. I can appear fairly normal when I want to or Im having a good day. It comes with years of practice. I can think of many things Id rather be good at than faking than Im ok, which is the purpose of this blog. After all these years, I am finally saying to the world, or at least my very small corner of it, and to God, than Im not ok and I need help.

A "Good Day" comes very infrequently and seems to have no rhime, reason, or pattern to when it will come. I get them anywhere from 1 day every few months to maybe a day a year. I have no clue why I have an occasional good day. A good day is when I feel almost normal (Though since ive lived this way so long, I really dont know what normal is except what I see in others). I feel like I can like people and evem socialize on some level. When I do have this good day, I want to tell say; "Good day, please dont go. Please stick around for a while and make that other person go away." But it always leaves just as quickly as it came and Im back to feeling isolated and alone.

I can even socialize to some degree when I need to. But I never feel connected at all. I have no friends except those here at work. ( I do have 1 friend that I met in Oregon and now livesin Tenessee.) I have thought of trying to get a job in the outside world, but history has shown me that sooner or later, my disorder causes problems and I just cant hold normal outside jobs.

So I sit here in my room/office and continue to exist and little else. I hope 1 day I can find a way to break out of this bubble that I seem to live in. So far, nothing has helped, at least not in a lasting fashion.






This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.

http://www.AvoidantPersonality.com