Well its day 2. I think I may go to doing these weekly. Writing in this blog daily might be taking on too much. of course there may be days when I just need to write this.

Ive been living with this disorder so long that it is normal to me. I dont even realize that there is another way to live. I watched a video blog last night by my good friend Eric Wilson that inspired me. He said that sometimes you just wont feel like writing or want have any inspiration and you have to snuggle up to your writing. So here I am snuggling up to my disorder. Hmm, is that right? Can I do that? Oh well, too late.

I feel dissconnected from everything and everyone in my life. I dont really feel any closnes to my wife and dauhter. Thats sounds tgerrible doesnt it? It even sounds bad to me. But its the truth. I must rely on my wife and daughter to make up for my lack by their initiating contact and closness to me. I just cant manage it. I also have that nagging feeling that I will be rejected and Im not good enough to ask or even be close to them.

I love my wife and daugher of course, but I just dont feel connected to them. Or anything for that matter. I know it drives my poor wife and her family nuts. Its got to the terrible living with someone like me. Which of course only makes it all seem worse that they have to put up with me.

Even in my relationship with God, I cant connect. Last time I really felt a connection to God was when I was in Youth With a Mission (YWAM). I do feel connections with my wife and daughter some, but I know its not the full connection that I should feel. Sometimes I feel that perhaps this is just as good as it gets.

Its all too easy to be fake. I was a youth Pastor for a year at a small Church here in Idaho. I loved the sence of connection, but even in that, I did not really enjoy it. I just dont like people. There, I have said it.

Of course, I probably dont like them cause i feel that wont like me. Sorta said for a Pastor though to not like people. Im confortorable in this solitude I have here in my office, in my house. But at the same time, I crave that connection. I wonder if i will ever find it??




This is my log of my day to day issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also srtuggling with this disorder or another like it.
http://www.avoidantpersonality.com/