I have Avoidant Personality (Avpd). That makes it a bit difficult to put myself in the shoes of someone that does not have this. Its the old story of walking a mile in another persons shoes. Often, we cant really understand what another person is going through until we have had the same problem.
Its the same with Avoidant Personality. I find it very hard to be able to figure out how "Normals" think, what they go through and what they have to put up with. Of course, we can turn that around on them and say the exact same thing. Few Normals can put themselves in the shoes of one that suffers from Avoidant Personality and be able to think like them, and empathize with them.
My wife is the exception to this. Well, at least to a point. I dont think its possible to completely get what its like living with Avoidant Personality. But, she is tries as best she can and I think she has picked up on a lot. Most of that insight came to her in the form of communication from God.
I am not sure its really possible to get this in any other way. Oh sure, one can learn what its like from books, from professionals and even in schools. But until you have had Avpd, its hard, if not impossible to really get it. The best way that a Normal can figure out what life is life to a Avpd is to learn it from God.
God can put it in your heart. God can give Normals the understanding and the empathy for Avoidants. Head knowledge is like the belt they wear in Martial Arts. The only thing a belt is good for is to hold up your pants. The only thing that Head Knowledge is good for is getting you a good paying job and maybe impressing people at parties.
All this to say that I want to understand Normals. No, thats not a trick question. I want to know what its like for a Normal that is trying to live with someone that has Avpd. What sort of questions would you ask a Normal that is trying as hard as they can, and either finding it very hard or right out failing, to be in a relationship with someone that has AvpD?
If we ask each other some honest questions, I think we can learn to understand each other. If we learn to understand each other, thats a good start toward being able to not only tolerate each other, but even having a successful relationship.
I have 3 things for you today.
#1 I set up a Facebook group for Avoidants and those that want to learn to live with someone that has this.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/AvoidantPersonality
#2 I have a web site, that is still being worked on. Eventually, I want to get all the info I can find on Avoidants, possible help for Avoidants, and help for those that are trying to be in a relationship with one.
http://avoidants.org
#3 Normals - If you have questions that you would like to ask someone that has Avpd, please send them to me, I will get them answered. Please let me know when you email if you do, or do not, wish me to use your question to help others. I respect your privacy and will never use your real name or contact info.
Avoidants - If you have questions that you would like to ask a normal, please send them to me and I will get them answered. Please let me know when you email if you do, or do not, wish me to use your question to help others. I respect your privacy and will never use your real name or contact info.
If we learn how the other ticks, we will making the 1st step toward understanding each other!
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Avoidant Personality
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Is there anyone out there?
I have been writing in my blog for several years now. Some days are good, some days are bad. The majority of them are just ok. My wife calls it "Living by Default" I might call it "Living on Auto Pilot"
Day after day after day is pretty much the same. I get up, I go to work, I get off work, eat supper and watch TV. Oh sure. I am a Pastor, but most days, I dont feel like one. In fact some days, I barely feel like a Christian or that I have any connection to God at all.
I probably should not say this, but I even wonder at times if he is even there. Rationally, intelligently, and logically, I know he must be there. To believe that this world, us, and the universe just poofed into existence without there being an intelligence behind it, is just plain nuts.
Of course there is a God. The question I ask, and I think most ask, at least at some point in their lives, is; "How much is God really involved in the day to day operation of our lives and this world?" I ask myself this question a lot.
I have not come up with a good answer for it. I say a good answer because I know the answer that I am leaning toward. This its not an answer that I think many are going to want to hear, or accecpt. And who knows, I could well be wrong. I have been wrong a lot in my life and I am sure, I will be wrong more in the days and years to come.
God is there. Sure he is. Thats a given, but just how much is he involved in our lives and in the lives of this world? Well, we are told that God has the very number of hairs on your head numbered? Really? Does God have nothing better to do than sit around and count the hairs on peoples heads?
Sounds pretty boring and monotonous to me. Of course these days, I seem to have a few less than I used to, so maybe it would not take that long. I think what God is trying to say here is that he cares. Im pretty sure that you would really have to care a lot about someone to take the time to count hairs on their body. I would not even do that for my wife!
So God cares! Well, duh...
This still does not tell me how much he is involved and how much he intervenes in our lives. The longer I live here in this earth, the more I think that we dont need God and Satan to make our lives better or worse. We do a pretty good job of that all by ourselves. I am sure that God and Satan applies influences at times, but for the most part, I think things in our lives and this world are on a sort of auto pilot.
Take that commercial that you see on TV. A gal parks her car on the side of a busy street and opens up her car door to get out. A car comes screaming by and takes her car door off its hinges. Now, was this Gods fault? Was this Satan's fault?
Sure God or Satan could have intervened and caused this car to come by just as she opened up her car's door, but chances are that neither of them had a thing to do with it. As humans, we do dumb things. This is the moral of that TV commercial.
We really don't need any help from either God or Satan to get us to do dumb things, we can do dumbness all by ourselves!
Its like that movie by Madia, I can do bad all my myself..
When God created the world, he set certain things in motion. He put rules, and principles in place to govern how to world, the universe, and us, work. Gravity for example. God does not wake up in the morning and say to himself; Darn, I forgot to turn gravity on today. People are starting to float away. I had better do something about that"
No, gravity just works. God does not have to do a cotton pickin thing for it to work. Another example are our hearts. God does not get up in the morning and say; "DagNabit, I had better turn on Sam's heart soon before the poor old guy falls over. I knew I was forgetting something". No, Sam's heart just works with no influence or action from Sam, God, Satan, or anyone else.
Lets take another example for example. I hate summer time. Always have. Every year comes along and I pray to God to please see me through another year of heat. I prefer the cold and I am not alone in this. But there are just as many people out there that are praying to keep summer around because they hate the cold.
What is God to do with prayers like this?
If God was to cancel Summer and move right to Winter, he is going to make enemies of the people that like to summer and are praying for it to stay. If God keeps summer going and cancels Winter, he makes enemies of the people that love the winter. So to make everyone happy, God stays out of it and is Neutral like Switzerland.
You can see the same in any good manager or business owner. Its not possible to make everyone happy, so the best course of action is usually to not even try. Just let things happen as they are going to happen. I think in many things in this world, the universe, and our lives, God takes the same stance of Neutrality.
God even tells us as much in Matthew 5:45 and in many other places. God is telling us that he does not take sides. That good things and bad things fall on both good and bad people. Its a bad idea to take sides. Same applies to people that have kids. Its a very bad idea to favor one child over the other. You just cant do something for 1 and not do it for the other. So often, its best to just stay neutral and let the chips fall where they will fall.
Sure, God gives favor to those that follow him. Psalm 84:11. But that favor does not mean that we will live a live with no pain, and no problems. In fact, God told us just the opposite. John 16:33 tells us that we will have trouble in this world. In fact, when we become Christians, we are going to face even more. 2 Timothy 3:12.
Am I saying that God does not care and he does not intervene when he can? Of course Im not. God cares and does take care of his Children. Often when you have a child, and that Child is in trouble, the best thing that you can do is nothing at all.
Sit back and let things just happen the way they were meant to happen. This is how we learn and grow. If God was to step in and take control of every little issue and problem that we faced and work it out for us, we would never learn how to do it ourselves!
So is God up there? Of course he is. But he often chooses not to interfere but just stay neutral. Its for our own good.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Day after day after day is pretty much the same. I get up, I go to work, I get off work, eat supper and watch TV. Oh sure. I am a Pastor, but most days, I dont feel like one. In fact some days, I barely feel like a Christian or that I have any connection to God at all.
I probably should not say this, but I even wonder at times if he is even there. Rationally, intelligently, and logically, I know he must be there. To believe that this world, us, and the universe just poofed into existence without there being an intelligence behind it, is just plain nuts.
Of course there is a God. The question I ask, and I think most ask, at least at some point in their lives, is; "How much is God really involved in the day to day operation of our lives and this world?" I ask myself this question a lot.
I have not come up with a good answer for it. I say a good answer because I know the answer that I am leaning toward. This its not an answer that I think many are going to want to hear, or accecpt. And who knows, I could well be wrong. I have been wrong a lot in my life and I am sure, I will be wrong more in the days and years to come.
God is there. Sure he is. Thats a given, but just how much is he involved in our lives and in the lives of this world? Well, we are told that God has the very number of hairs on your head numbered? Really? Does God have nothing better to do than sit around and count the hairs on peoples heads?
Sounds pretty boring and monotonous to me. Of course these days, I seem to have a few less than I used to, so maybe it would not take that long. I think what God is trying to say here is that he cares. Im pretty sure that you would really have to care a lot about someone to take the time to count hairs on their body. I would not even do that for my wife!
So God cares! Well, duh...
This still does not tell me how much he is involved and how much he intervenes in our lives. The longer I live here in this earth, the more I think that we dont need God and Satan to make our lives better or worse. We do a pretty good job of that all by ourselves. I am sure that God and Satan applies influences at times, but for the most part, I think things in our lives and this world are on a sort of auto pilot.
Take that commercial that you see on TV. A gal parks her car on the side of a busy street and opens up her car door to get out. A car comes screaming by and takes her car door off its hinges. Now, was this Gods fault? Was this Satan's fault?
Sure God or Satan could have intervened and caused this car to come by just as she opened up her car's door, but chances are that neither of them had a thing to do with it. As humans, we do dumb things. This is the moral of that TV commercial.
We really don't need any help from either God or Satan to get us to do dumb things, we can do dumbness all by ourselves!
Its like that movie by Madia, I can do bad all my myself..
When God created the world, he set certain things in motion. He put rules, and principles in place to govern how to world, the universe, and us, work. Gravity for example. God does not wake up in the morning and say to himself; Darn, I forgot to turn gravity on today. People are starting to float away. I had better do something about that"
No, gravity just works. God does not have to do a cotton pickin thing for it to work. Another example are our hearts. God does not get up in the morning and say; "DagNabit, I had better turn on Sam's heart soon before the poor old guy falls over. I knew I was forgetting something". No, Sam's heart just works with no influence or action from Sam, God, Satan, or anyone else.
Lets take another example for example. I hate summer time. Always have. Every year comes along and I pray to God to please see me through another year of heat. I prefer the cold and I am not alone in this. But there are just as many people out there that are praying to keep summer around because they hate the cold.
What is God to do with prayers like this?
If God was to cancel Summer and move right to Winter, he is going to make enemies of the people that like to summer and are praying for it to stay. If God keeps summer going and cancels Winter, he makes enemies of the people that love the winter. So to make everyone happy, God stays out of it and is Neutral like Switzerland.
You can see the same in any good manager or business owner. Its not possible to make everyone happy, so the best course of action is usually to not even try. Just let things happen as they are going to happen. I think in many things in this world, the universe, and our lives, God takes the same stance of Neutrality.
God even tells us as much in Matthew 5:45 and in many other places. God is telling us that he does not take sides. That good things and bad things fall on both good and bad people. Its a bad idea to take sides. Same applies to people that have kids. Its a very bad idea to favor one child over the other. You just cant do something for 1 and not do it for the other. So often, its best to just stay neutral and let the chips fall where they will fall.
Sure, God gives favor to those that follow him. Psalm 84:11. But that favor does not mean that we will live a live with no pain, and no problems. In fact, God told us just the opposite. John 16:33 tells us that we will have trouble in this world. In fact, when we become Christians, we are going to face even more. 2 Timothy 3:12.
Am I saying that God does not care and he does not intervene when he can? Of course Im not. God cares and does take care of his Children. Often when you have a child, and that Child is in trouble, the best thing that you can do is nothing at all.
Sit back and let things just happen the way they were meant to happen. This is how we learn and grow. If God was to step in and take control of every little issue and problem that we faced and work it out for us, we would never learn how to do it ourselves!
So is God up there? Of course he is. But he often chooses not to interfere but just stay neutral. Its for our own good.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Can an Avoidant be in a successful marriage or relationship?
I hear from Avoidants all over the world. The vast majority of emails that I get are from what I call "Normals" that are struggling to be in a relationship with an Avoidant, or someone that they suspect is an Avoidant. For clarification, a Normal is someone that is not an Avoidant.
For someone that is Normal, trying to be in a relationship with someone that is an Avoidant is beyond hard, and might even seem downright impossible. As Avoidants, we tend to think about ourselves a lot. We have the "Woe is Me" syndrome probably more so than most other aliments.
The problem with being an Avoidant is magnified due to the fact that the issue is in the head. That means that its invisible, unlike other problems that can be seen like Cancer. Of course this does not make Avoidance any less real. But most Normals see Avidants are just needing to Get Over It!
Being an Avoidant is seen as something that we could get over if we really tried. Just like the person that has cancer, its not that easy. A person with Cancer cant just will themselves to not have Cancer. Neither can a person that is an Avoidant just will themselves to quit being an Avoidant.
This is the very first thing that any Normal person in a relationship with an Avoidant must come to terms with. Being an Avoidant is really no different than someone with a physical issue like Cancer. Being an Avoidant is just as real, just as debilitating, just as difficult, and can be just as deadly to a marriage.
My wife is wonderful. She is wise beyond her years and very understanding. She was sent her on this earth to be my mate and look out after me. Of course, God is the one that saved our marriage. But my wife is the one that had to listen to him and understand what he was trying to tell her about Avoidants and about me.
As a Normal, my wife has a huge challenge. She tries as best she can to understand me and Get it. My wife is a Christian as am I. One day when she was at her wits end because I was being a difficult Avoidant, she turned to God. She prayed and God gave her understanding, and empathy. I cant say that she completely understands, but she tries really hard.
If it had not been for this, I am pretty sure that we would not be together today. The other thing that saved our marriage was Vitamins. I know that might sound a bit simple, but it worked for us. We looked for a long time to find something that worked.
Before, I was not nice, to put it nicely. I was a down right Jerk to my wife. I tried acupuncture, Chinese medicine, and many other things in an effort to find one that would help. I have a poor diet. I dont eat vegetables and little to no fruit. I am mostly a meat and potatoes kind of guy.
I have always thought that the lack of proper nutrition might be all, or at least part, of the problem. Weather it was a cause of the Avoidance, I had no clue, but I was willing to try most anything. My wife used to take a vitamin called Advocare. No I want to say right up front that I do not sell Advocare, nor am I saying that Advocare cures Avoidance.
All I am saying is that it worked for me. Its quite possible that there are other vitamins out there that also might be effective. What I can say for sure is that when I do not take my vitamins, I fell awful the way I used to back when I was a Jerk.
I tend to live by the saying that if it aint broke, dont fix it. These vitamins work for me. I spent a long long time looking for something that did. I have seen some research that suggest that depression, and other such issues might be helped by certain nutrients.
I think it quite possible that there is a certain element, or nutrient that is lacking in the body or brain that is either causing Avoidants or at least making it worse. So to anyone out there that is in a relationship with an Avoidant, or someone you think might be an Avoidant, dont give up!
If you are a Christian, pray and ask God for help.
If you are not a Christian, pray and ask God for help.
Try to understand that person that you are with and why they struggle and act like they do
Try to find out if that person has a good diet. Weather they have a good diet, or not, consider giving them a good quality vitamin supplement.
If you have a story that you would like to share with me and/or others, please send it to Phillip@NeedsMet.us.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
For someone that is Normal, trying to be in a relationship with someone that is an Avoidant is beyond hard, and might even seem downright impossible. As Avoidants, we tend to think about ourselves a lot. We have the "Woe is Me" syndrome probably more so than most other aliments.
The problem with being an Avoidant is magnified due to the fact that the issue is in the head. That means that its invisible, unlike other problems that can be seen like Cancer. Of course this does not make Avoidance any less real. But most Normals see Avidants are just needing to Get Over It!
Being an Avoidant is seen as something that we could get over if we really tried. Just like the person that has cancer, its not that easy. A person with Cancer cant just will themselves to not have Cancer. Neither can a person that is an Avoidant just will themselves to quit being an Avoidant.
This is the very first thing that any Normal person in a relationship with an Avoidant must come to terms with. Being an Avoidant is really no different than someone with a physical issue like Cancer. Being an Avoidant is just as real, just as debilitating, just as difficult, and can be just as deadly to a marriage.
My wife is wonderful. She is wise beyond her years and very understanding. She was sent her on this earth to be my mate and look out after me. Of course, God is the one that saved our marriage. But my wife is the one that had to listen to him and understand what he was trying to tell her about Avoidants and about me.
As a Normal, my wife has a huge challenge. She tries as best she can to understand me and Get it. My wife is a Christian as am I. One day when she was at her wits end because I was being a difficult Avoidant, she turned to God. She prayed and God gave her understanding, and empathy. I cant say that she completely understands, but she tries really hard.
If it had not been for this, I am pretty sure that we would not be together today. The other thing that saved our marriage was Vitamins. I know that might sound a bit simple, but it worked for us. We looked for a long time to find something that worked.
Before, I was not nice, to put it nicely. I was a down right Jerk to my wife. I tried acupuncture, Chinese medicine, and many other things in an effort to find one that would help. I have a poor diet. I dont eat vegetables and little to no fruit. I am mostly a meat and potatoes kind of guy.
I have always thought that the lack of proper nutrition might be all, or at least part, of the problem. Weather it was a cause of the Avoidance, I had no clue, but I was willing to try most anything. My wife used to take a vitamin called Advocare. No I want to say right up front that I do not sell Advocare, nor am I saying that Advocare cures Avoidance.
All I am saying is that it worked for me. Its quite possible that there are other vitamins out there that also might be effective. What I can say for sure is that when I do not take my vitamins, I fell awful the way I used to back when I was a Jerk.
I tend to live by the saying that if it aint broke, dont fix it. These vitamins work for me. I spent a long long time looking for something that did. I have seen some research that suggest that depression, and other such issues might be helped by certain nutrients.
I think it quite possible that there is a certain element, or nutrient that is lacking in the body or brain that is either causing Avoidants or at least making it worse. So to anyone out there that is in a relationship with an Avoidant, or someone you think might be an Avoidant, dont give up!
If you are a Christian, pray and ask God for help.
If you are not a Christian, pray and ask God for help.
Try to understand that person that you are with and why they struggle and act like they do
Try to find out if that person has a good diet. Weather they have a good diet, or not, consider giving them a good quality vitamin supplement.
If you have a story that you would like to share with me and/or others, please send it to Phillip@NeedsMet.us.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Gays and Lesbians & Avoidants. Not as different as you might think
When I was in school, I was thought of as being Gay. Looking back on it, I can see why. Kids love to tease and bully those that dont fit into their mold. Its not just kids though. We do the same things. We tease, make fun of and bully those that are not like us.
If someone does not fit into our idea of who we think they should be, they just cant be right in the head. Right?
When I was a kid in school, I did not like girls at all. I dont think it was that I did not like them, but was scared to death of em. I would get physically ill when anywhere in the vicinity of a girl. And if it was a group or girls, I was pulling a Forest Gump and running as fast as I could the other way.
To make things worse, I did not like working on cars or sports. I could not stand to get my hands dirty. A trait I still carry to this day. Though I do get dirty when I have to. I dont like it, but there are just things you do when you are married, and when you are older, that you just have to do, like it or not.
Well, especially in a kids world, things are pretty black and white. 1 + 1 always = 2 and so forth. I was a kid that did not like girls, didnt like sports and didnt like working on cars. So that equaled gay. As a result of the school wide rumor mill, I was labeled gay and every gay person in the school hit on me.
I was not attracted to men at all, so I just withdrew. It was not until well into my 20's that I developed a good desire for girls and got my 1st kiss. So what in the world does this have to do with Avoidants? Well, leme tell ya.
Most Gays and Lesbians look at themselves as having no choice. In the Church, we look at these people and think they should get get over it. They look at it like something they have no control over. Connecting the dots yet? We look at our Avoidants like something we have no choice over. We want desperately to just Get Over It, but it just dont work that way.
People that have this Avoidant thing wreck marriages, lives and of course themselves. Its not pretty at all. So maybe we are not that far different as we in the Church think we are.
Gays and Lesbians feel that they are who they are and there is nothing they can do about it. We that suffer from Avoidance are the way we are and there seems to be nothing we can do about it. So lets all get along and accept each other.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
If someone does not fit into our idea of who we think they should be, they just cant be right in the head. Right?
When I was a kid in school, I did not like girls at all. I dont think it was that I did not like them, but was scared to death of em. I would get physically ill when anywhere in the vicinity of a girl. And if it was a group or girls, I was pulling a Forest Gump and running as fast as I could the other way.
To make things worse, I did not like working on cars or sports. I could not stand to get my hands dirty. A trait I still carry to this day. Though I do get dirty when I have to. I dont like it, but there are just things you do when you are married, and when you are older, that you just have to do, like it or not.
Well, especially in a kids world, things are pretty black and white. 1 + 1 always = 2 and so forth. I was a kid that did not like girls, didnt like sports and didnt like working on cars. So that equaled gay. As a result of the school wide rumor mill, I was labeled gay and every gay person in the school hit on me.
I was not attracted to men at all, so I just withdrew. It was not until well into my 20's that I developed a good desire for girls and got my 1st kiss. So what in the world does this have to do with Avoidants? Well, leme tell ya.
Most Gays and Lesbians look at themselves as having no choice. In the Church, we look at these people and think they should get get over it. They look at it like something they have no control over. Connecting the dots yet? We look at our Avoidants like something we have no choice over. We want desperately to just Get Over It, but it just dont work that way.
People that have this Avoidant thing wreck marriages, lives and of course themselves. Its not pretty at all. So maybe we are not that far different as we in the Church think we are.
Gays and Lesbians feel that they are who they are and there is nothing they can do about it. We that suffer from Avoidance are the way we are and there seems to be nothing we can do about it. So lets all get along and accept each other.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
My inner Avoidant
Good Morning,
I try, as best I can, to keep my inner Avoidant at bay. I would like to see that it is all-together defeated. But I cant honestly cay that. In all my years as living as a Christian, I have learned just a few things. One of them is to be honest. As Christian, we get on this bandwagon called Positive Confession.
What I have learned is that all the positive confession in the world is not going to make this thing go away. I can walk around all day saying things like; "I am not an Avoidant. I am normal and I love people". Well, saying this all day is not going to make it so. Like Jean Luke in Star Trek. He would say; "Make it so #1."
Well, I am begging God to make it so. Or perhaps I am just telling myself to make it so. Not sure. To me, its a bit like one of those monks or people that chant in the airports, though you dont see these people much anymore. You know. the one that had bald heads and handed out flowers. What an odd group.
Anyway, the point is that if I go around saying this all day long, I think the only thing it is going to get me is tired. And maybe some odd looks from people that think I have fallen off the deep end!
We hear about positive confession a lot, or at least we did. Not sure its a popular as it once was. I think because most people discovered that it did not work. Like when you get a cold and we were told to just tell ourselves that we are not sick and dont have a cold.
It seemed more like a lie than the truth. The truth is that this body gets sick. We get colds, the flu, diseases and such. Yes, it is of course also true that Jesus died for our sins, and gave us power over sickness and death. But that does not mean that this body is not going to get sick or die.
The problem is us vs our body. We are not this body. We cannot get sick or die. Our spirit and true selves that it. So from that perspective, what Jesus said was true. But our bodies is a different story. It can and will get sick and eventually die. I have this Avoidant thing in me. It is real and a issue with my body.
Saying that it is not real is not going to make it unreal. What I do though is I do try to separate me from the Avoidant. I am not an Avoidant, but I do have this Avoidant in me. Its a simple, but important distinction.
I have been working on a book for a long long time now. I think its needed. There just are not any books out there written by Avoidants for Avoidants. We only have books from so called professionals that have learned about Avoidants from books.
What I am looking for are stories. I know it is asking a lot as Avoidants dont like to put themselves out there. But you will have to trust me on this. It will help you heal just telling your story. You dont have to put in here as a comment, though I recommend that.
One of the biggest lies is that you are alone. That there is no one out there like you. That you are the only one that is as messed up as you. This is a lie. The truth is that there are a lot just like you. We are have pretty similar issues. We need to all band together and share our stories, struggles and experiences. It will help you and your story will help others as well.
So lets share with each other and gets some light on this Avoidant thing. If you prefer, you can email me at Phillip@needsmet.us.
We can learn from each other and get some healing from this inner Avoidant.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
I try, as best I can, to keep my inner Avoidant at bay. I would like to see that it is all-together defeated. But I cant honestly cay that. In all my years as living as a Christian, I have learned just a few things. One of them is to be honest. As Christian, we get on this bandwagon called Positive Confession.
What I have learned is that all the positive confession in the world is not going to make this thing go away. I can walk around all day saying things like; "I am not an Avoidant. I am normal and I love people". Well, saying this all day is not going to make it so. Like Jean Luke in Star Trek. He would say; "Make it so #1."
Well, I am begging God to make it so. Or perhaps I am just telling myself to make it so. Not sure. To me, its a bit like one of those monks or people that chant in the airports, though you dont see these people much anymore. You know. the one that had bald heads and handed out flowers. What an odd group.
Anyway, the point is that if I go around saying this all day long, I think the only thing it is going to get me is tired. And maybe some odd looks from people that think I have fallen off the deep end!
We hear about positive confession a lot, or at least we did. Not sure its a popular as it once was. I think because most people discovered that it did not work. Like when you get a cold and we were told to just tell ourselves that we are not sick and dont have a cold.
It seemed more like a lie than the truth. The truth is that this body gets sick. We get colds, the flu, diseases and such. Yes, it is of course also true that Jesus died for our sins, and gave us power over sickness and death. But that does not mean that this body is not going to get sick or die.
The problem is us vs our body. We are not this body. We cannot get sick or die. Our spirit and true selves that it. So from that perspective, what Jesus said was true. But our bodies is a different story. It can and will get sick and eventually die. I have this Avoidant thing in me. It is real and a issue with my body.
Saying that it is not real is not going to make it unreal. What I do though is I do try to separate me from the Avoidant. I am not an Avoidant, but I do have this Avoidant in me. Its a simple, but important distinction.
I have been working on a book for a long long time now. I think its needed. There just are not any books out there written by Avoidants for Avoidants. We only have books from so called professionals that have learned about Avoidants from books.
What I am looking for are stories. I know it is asking a lot as Avoidants dont like to put themselves out there. But you will have to trust me on this. It will help you heal just telling your story. You dont have to put in here as a comment, though I recommend that.
One of the biggest lies is that you are alone. That there is no one out there like you. That you are the only one that is as messed up as you. This is a lie. The truth is that there are a lot just like you. We are have pretty similar issues. We need to all band together and share our stories, struggles and experiences. It will help you and your story will help others as well.
So lets share with each other and gets some light on this Avoidant thing. If you prefer, you can email me at Phillip@needsmet.us.
We can learn from each other and get some healing from this inner Avoidant.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Black Outs and walking on egg shells
Having this Avoidant thing inside is a constant battle. I am always having to examine everything I say and do. I am married and have a daughter. Anything that comes from the Avoidant could be wrong, wreck the marriage and even my relationship with my daughter.
Its like walking on egg shells 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I cannot not be in my guard. If I let it down even for a second, the Avoidant could rise up and cause problems. All this treading lightly is very tiresome. In the last 10 years since I have been married. I have gone from a nice head of brown hair to a much thinner receding head of grey.
I am not saying in any way that marriage has not been good or worth it. In fact, I will say just the opposite. If it was not for my wife and child, I think it very possible, or even probable, that the Avoidant would have completely taken over in my life. Its only this constant battle that I have to be aware of that lets me stay in control and keep the Avoidant at bay.
What I am battling here lately are Black outs. I do not know if these are caused by the Avoidant, or the epilepsy that I had as a child, or a combo of both. I have had these all my life. I had an episode in the military at Lackland AFB. I had just graduated from Basic Training.
My parents drove to San Antonio to see me. We went off base and toured the city. But all this was unknown to me. A few weeks later was Christmas. I was looking at a photo album and noticed some pictures with me in it. I did not recognize them. It was like looking at a total strangers pics. My parents were in the pics as well and it looked like San Antonio.
I asked my parents about them and they told me that it was our day in San Antonio ofter graduation from Basic Training. I had no idea. It was an entire day that was missing from my life. To this day, I have no memory of this.
I have had other episodes like this throughout my life. I plan on going to the VA to get it looked at. I have no clue what to expect or if anything will come of it at all. Those out there that are Avoidants should be able to empathize on this.
I fear going to the VA. What if they find something? What if they do not find something? Either scenario seems just as bad.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Its like walking on egg shells 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I cannot not be in my guard. If I let it down even for a second, the Avoidant could rise up and cause problems. All this treading lightly is very tiresome. In the last 10 years since I have been married. I have gone from a nice head of brown hair to a much thinner receding head of grey.
I am not saying in any way that marriage has not been good or worth it. In fact, I will say just the opposite. If it was not for my wife and child, I think it very possible, or even probable, that the Avoidant would have completely taken over in my life. Its only this constant battle that I have to be aware of that lets me stay in control and keep the Avoidant at bay.
What I am battling here lately are Black outs. I do not know if these are caused by the Avoidant, or the epilepsy that I had as a child, or a combo of both. I have had these all my life. I had an episode in the military at Lackland AFB. I had just graduated from Basic Training.
My parents drove to San Antonio to see me. We went off base and toured the city. But all this was unknown to me. A few weeks later was Christmas. I was looking at a photo album and noticed some pictures with me in it. I did not recognize them. It was like looking at a total strangers pics. My parents were in the pics as well and it looked like San Antonio.
I asked my parents about them and they told me that it was our day in San Antonio ofter graduation from Basic Training. I had no idea. It was an entire day that was missing from my life. To this day, I have no memory of this.
I have had other episodes like this throughout my life. I plan on going to the VA to get it looked at. I have no clue what to expect or if anything will come of it at all. Those out there that are Avoidants should be able to empathize on this.
I fear going to the VA. What if they find something? What if they do not find something? Either scenario seems just as bad.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Avoidants gets a bad rap
I have dealt with having Avoidant Personality for a long long time. There are certain things that I know to aviod. These things are triggers to make things worse and cause flare ups. I know this, but my wife does not. She has learned a lot about me and deals with it very well.
But there are just some things that I fear she may never get or really understand. I cant really talk to her about it because she will just tell me to get over it. The famous last words that we Avoidants seem to hear all the time. "Just Get Over it"
Trust me, and us, if it was that easy, we would have done it years ago. But the reality is that we cant just Get Over It. This would be like telling an Orange to quit being an Orange. An orange cant quit being an orange. Its just not possible.
Its also not possible for us to just Get Over It. It just does not work that way. No more than someone with cancer can just will that they are not going to have cancer anymore. The benefit, if I can call it that, of having a physical illness is that people can see it and have sympathy for you.
If one does have cancer, this has physical symptoms that others can see. They then make certain allowances for it because they can see that the person with the cancer cant do certain things.
Unfortunately, when someone, like us, has a mental issue, it cannot be seen. There are no physical symptoms that others can grab ahold of and have empathy for. So when we have issues, they are often seen as something that should be able to be got over.
Such is the case with last night. I was all set for a normal evening of maybe some computer work, maybe some outside work, and some good TV watching. Then the people down the street messaged that they wanted to come talk to us. Our daughter and their daughter are good friends. They wanted to take our daughter with them on an overnight camping trip. They wanted to come talk to us about this in an attempt to convince us that it was ok.
The Avoidant in me does not like last minute surprises. And its even worse when the surprise is company. And worse still when the company wants to sell me something. Which in this case, they wanted to sell me that they could take my daughter on a camping trip. Then worse still when it involves wanting to take my daughter with them.
So, when the company came over, the Avoidant was prepared for battle. It was not going to behave or be nice or communicative. This is exactly what happened. And as expected, after the company left, my wife was not happy. She told me what I did wrong and had this scowl on her face that I could have been better.
I dared not try to tell her why as I did not want to be told to just Get Over it. So goes the life of an Avoidant that is married to a normal. I wish there was a way to help her understand more, but I am not sure there it. Its one of those things that until you have lived it. its just not possible to really understand.
To be fair, my wife does very well. She does try I know. But its just hard for her to really get it. Avoidants have no real physical symptoms, so there is nothing for her to see as an illness that she can feel sorry for and relate to. Sometimes I wish I did have cancer so that she could actually get it and feel sorry for me.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
But there are just some things that I fear she may never get or really understand. I cant really talk to her about it because she will just tell me to get over it. The famous last words that we Avoidants seem to hear all the time. "Just Get Over it"
Trust me, and us, if it was that easy, we would have done it years ago. But the reality is that we cant just Get Over It. This would be like telling an Orange to quit being an Orange. An orange cant quit being an orange. Its just not possible.
Its also not possible for us to just Get Over It. It just does not work that way. No more than someone with cancer can just will that they are not going to have cancer anymore. The benefit, if I can call it that, of having a physical illness is that people can see it and have sympathy for you.
If one does have cancer, this has physical symptoms that others can see. They then make certain allowances for it because they can see that the person with the cancer cant do certain things.
Unfortunately, when someone, like us, has a mental issue, it cannot be seen. There are no physical symptoms that others can grab ahold of and have empathy for. So when we have issues, they are often seen as something that should be able to be got over.
Such is the case with last night. I was all set for a normal evening of maybe some computer work, maybe some outside work, and some good TV watching. Then the people down the street messaged that they wanted to come talk to us. Our daughter and their daughter are good friends. They wanted to take our daughter with them on an overnight camping trip. They wanted to come talk to us about this in an attempt to convince us that it was ok.
The Avoidant in me does not like last minute surprises. And its even worse when the surprise is company. And worse still when the company wants to sell me something. Which in this case, they wanted to sell me that they could take my daughter on a camping trip. Then worse still when it involves wanting to take my daughter with them.
So, when the company came over, the Avoidant was prepared for battle. It was not going to behave or be nice or communicative. This is exactly what happened. And as expected, after the company left, my wife was not happy. She told me what I did wrong and had this scowl on her face that I could have been better.
I dared not try to tell her why as I did not want to be told to just Get Over it. So goes the life of an Avoidant that is married to a normal. I wish there was a way to help her understand more, but I am not sure there it. Its one of those things that until you have lived it. its just not possible to really understand.
To be fair, my wife does very well. She does try I know. But its just hard for her to really get it. Avoidants have no real physical symptoms, so there is nothing for her to see as an illness that she can feel sorry for and relate to. Sometimes I wish I did have cancer so that she could actually get it and feel sorry for me.
This is my log of my issues with living to Avoidant Personality Disorder. My hope is that in writing this, it will help myself and perhaps others that are also struggling with this disorder and others like it. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1tyKSgW-IeaK851gvIjjthije0kOwg3tZxVqKXSC1xXg/viewform I am trying to get more information on this disorder so that we can find commonalities. Perhaps if we can learn more about this, we can figure out how to combat it and get better lives for us all.
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